a s h t o n

The sun was shining, burning my skin and had me squinting my eyes as the sunlight was almost hurting them. Pearls of sweat was forming on my forehead and I gritted my teeth together while watching the game being played out in front of me.

All I could do was watch, because I didn't feel I was participating in it. Nearly 10 minutes had been played of the second half and the score was still 0-0. It was probably a great game that was being played for the audience, but I wouldn't know because the all my focus was on the frustrated blonde who strolled my side of the field.

This wasn't how it was supposed to be. I was supposed to be at my very best during this game. I was supposed to be the best and I was supposed to make sure all eyes were on me. I was supposed to make this the game that'd be writing my future, but all I could do was think about was Luke.

I hadn't slept anything last night, all because I was figuring out a way to tell Luke I felt the same, without him thinking I was only saying it for my own good. It honestly didn't work out that great. Really, it ended up worse than it already was.

But I did feel for Luke, I really do. It just took me two sleepless nights and a whole lot of thinking about how I was the worst human being alive, to realize I was fucking infatuated with the guy.

Mom knew it, she thought it was obvious. She was also quite pissed after I told her what I did yesterday, and after scolding me like if I was a little boy, she encouraged me to tell Luke the truth before my previous mistake would break everything apart.

And that turned out fucking amazing, didn't it?

I knew what I told Luke yesterday was fucked up, and he has every right to doubt me, but I didn't lie today. I know it looks more than suspicious to just suddenly change my mind before the game that would give me my sponsors and contracts, but I thought that it would be better to tell Luke before the game to not have him acting like he hated me.

Pretty sure he does now though.

I didn't believe the stuff he told me before the game, but after all the shit I've put him through these 10 weeks, he might as well have just given up on me. If so, I don't blame him.

I straightened up my posture and kept my eyes on the ball that was now kicked over to my side of the field. I ran my glove-covered hands over my thighs, making sure the grip was good before bending my knees to get balance and mobility.

My eyes glanced over at Luke who was running up along the right side, cutting in just as someone passed the ball through the midfield. I bit the inside of my cheek as the ball reached Luke and the followed with it. He held it close to his feet as he was reached the defense, but cut through and ran closer to me.

As he was as close as he needed, he glanced up before pulling his whole leg back to kick the ball in force, aiming it at me. Neo who was right behind him reached his side and blocked the shot, making the ball roll over for me to easily pick up and hold against my chest.

The shove Luke got when Neo ran up to his side made him stumble forward and crash into me, making me stumble back and drop the ball as I fell down while Luke was still standing.

"Hey!" Sam called and held his hands out as he turned to the referee with a irritated frown. The referee blew his whistle and gave Sam a disapproving look before jogging over to me.

"You okay?" he asked as he looked down at me. I bit the inside of my cheek and glanced over at Luke who was watching with a blank expression, before turning back to the ref and nodded my head.

"Yeah, it was nothing" I mumbled and stood up by myself.

"Free kick from where you're standing," the ref said and pointed at the spot before turning to Luke, "We'll play this game right, okay? Otherwise I will start showing cards"

Luke clenched his jaw and nodded his head before the ref jogged up the field again and blew his whistle. I licked my lips and stepped back before kicking the ball as far up on the field as possible, trying to make it reach Calum on the left side.

I watch Calum easily take down the ball on his chest to his feet, before passing it over to the open spot in the middle. I called out a few positive words for Calum before glancing back at Luke who was slowly walking past the penalty arc with his jaw still clenched.

"You're doing good, Luke" I called, making him turn around to look at me with a frown.

"You don't need to kiss my ass, Ash. I won't do better with it" Luke mumbled, almost not making me hear him over the sound from the field and the bleachers.

"I'm not kissing your ass, I'm being serious. You're doing good, stop doubting yourself" I spoke and just as I finished my sentence cheering started to fill up the arena, making both Luke and I turn to the opposite goal to watch Sam kick a cross ball over to the crowded goal area.

In a split of a second Adam was up and met the ball with his forehead, steering the ball over to the left side of the goal, making it meet the net. The arena filled with cheer and I watched with a grin as all the guys on my team attacked Adam in a hug.

"See?" Luke spoke between the loud cheers and laughed humorlessly. "Now you definitely won't need to kiss my ass because you're already winning. I just need to make sure you still do, right?"

I frowned and stepped forward to walk closer to him, shaking my head in frustration because he just didn't get it.

"No. I don't want to win like that. If I win, that's fine, it's part of the game. But I don't want to win without you trying to do so yourself" I said and Luke pursed his lips and nodded his head, but his expression looked like he couldn't care less about what I told him.

"Don't you get it?" I asked and reached out for his arm, only for him to avoid my touch. "I do love you Luke, I just have no idea how to prove my honesty to you"

He turned and looked me in the eyes but had no time to reply as some of the guys reached me again and pulled me in for a celebrating hug. Luke clenched his jaw and nodded his head again before jogging up the pitch to get to his side.

I sighed and backed down to the goal again, meeting Calum's eyes as I did so. He looked at me with furrowed eyebrows and held up a hand, doing a thumb up and then turning it down while looking at me questioningly.

I forced a smile and held a thumb up before turning to the kick-off as the ref blew his whistle once again.

And at that point nothing was worth anything anymore. It actually tasted bitter to be here right now, even though I was living one of the most prestigious lives within soccer that you could possibly have as a teenage boy. I had played a great game and I was even on my way to win this whole thing, but I wasn't fucking enjoying it.

Wasn't love supposed to be great? Because that's what they teach you, right? In all those crappy movies it seems like all their troubles just disappear when they fall in love. It must be bullshit because all I've gotten since love was brought up has been troubles and troubles only.

Honestly, it was nicer not to be able to feel at all, than have to feel like this.

**

There was roughly around 10 minutes left of the game plus the few added minutes at the end, and the score was still 1-0. The tension had built up and Luke hadn't spared a glance at me since the small we had a while ago.

I didn't mind though. He was in his own head and I honestly didn't have any right to try and make him talk to me during the actual game. So I ignored everything as much as possible and watched the game be played out in front of my eyes, actually enjoying the cheers from the bleachers while trying not to think of how everything would turn out when the game was over.

"Move over to the left" I called and waved my hand to the left side as I watched the team slowly following my orders. The defense created a wall, blocking the ball Felix kicked, making it soar past the lines of the short side, causing the ref to blow his whistle for a corner.

I sighed at that, knowing fully well the sun would be in my eyes as I was turned to the right corner, looking up at the crossbar. I placed myself in the middle of the goal, making sure I had one player on each of the goal posts.

"Hey!" I called, making Calum turn to look at me, "Hold Luke" I spoke and nodded over to the blonde at the far back who was ready to run in as the corner was kicked.

I turned back to the ball and watched Emil back up before stepping forward and kicked the ball so it quickly dived down in the mess by the goal. My eyes followed it and I watched as Luke stepped forward and was just about to take it on a volley, when he was pulled back, lost his balance and fell down harshly against the grass.

The referee loudly blew in his whistle and held his arm out to point towards the penalty spot, making me bite my lip harshly and run a hand over my face.

The guys in my team immediately complained about the decision, but I ignored it as I walked past the group of players surrounding the referee and reached Luke who was surrounded by a few who quickly checked so he was okay.

"You okay?" I asked and looked down at him, only for him to not even glance back up at me.

"Yup" he said and nodded his head as he slowly sat up.

"Are you sure? It looked like landed weird on your arm" I asked and crouched down slightly to look at said arm, but he pulled it away.

"No, I'm fine" Luke mumbled and pushed himself up to stand, but hissed quietly when he pressed his palm down against the grass.

I furrowed my eyebrows and glanced down at his hand, grimacing slightly when watching his crooked ring finger.

"Luke, that's fucking broken" I hissed in a whisper, looking at him with a frown on my face.

"No, I'm fucking fine" Luke said and gritted his teeth before quickly pushing himself up to stand.

"Are you kidding me? You have to get off and get that fixed" I whispered and held onto his arm, only making him shake me off.

"No, this is my game. I'm not gonna fucking give up at the last minute" he said and shook his head.

I bit the inside of my cheek and sucked in my bottom lip before shaking my head. "Aim right, your right, and I'll go left. I don't want to win, I want you to have it all. To prove that I honestly love you" I whispered before turning around and walked back to the goal.

"No injuries?" the referee asked as he walked up to Luke. Luke eyes lingered on me for a while before turning to the ref and shook his head, keeping his hand close to his body so no one would notice his obviously broken finger.

I took my position in the goal and breathed heavily as I watched everyone clear the goal area as Luke carefully - with a slightly painful frown on his face - placed the ball on the white dot in the perfect grass.

I kept my eyes on Luke as he straightened up and locked his eyes with mine. His eyes were glossy, and I'd never really seen him at his weakest point, but watching him now I'd say this was it. It looked like all he wanted was to fall back down on the grass, but still he kept standing, watching me with an unreadable look on his face.

I watched him gulp down any of the feelings he was having before taking one step at the time as he backed away from the ball. His gaze finally broke away from mine and he glanced down at the ball, now wearing a small frown again.

I bit my lip and breathed in and out heavily as the referee signaled for the penalty to be kicked. Luke raised his chin and look at me again, biting his lip when I leaned my head towards the left side of the goal - his right - to make sure he understood I still meant what I had previously said.

And with that, Luke ran forward and bend his knee, slung his leg back before kicking it forward, hitting the ball with force. Without any regret I threw myself to the wrong side, waiting for cheers to erupt as the ball hit the net, but it never came. The only thing being heard were disappointing gasps.

I pushed myself up from my lying position and watched the ball fall down behind the goal, making me understand Luke had kicked it over and missed.

With furrowed eyebrows I stood up and looked at Luke who was sat crouching by the penalty spot while his teammates gave him assuring pats on his shoulders while mine were breathing out in relief. Luke's face was hidden in his hands and I watched as he stood up and dropped his hands down, looking at me with glossy eyes before giving me a small smile that barely lasted a second, but I could clearly understand what he had just done.

"No fucking way" I breathed out as he turned around and handed his captain's band over to Felix before walking off the pitch and out to the locker rooms, leaving me - along with everyone in the arena - silent.

~

i'm updating again tomorrow so don't stress it

i have a question
what fic do you want me to start next now when fatherhood is done?
i have 4; do you want me to start my
malum, lashton, muke, or mashton story?

vote and comment

ily