a s h t o n

I woke up to an empty bed and sighed when seeing Luke's bed being empty as well. I sighed and looked up at the ceiling while running my hands over my face.

Yesterday was brought back to me and I closed my eyes shut at the memories. A pressure what pressed against my chest and I bit my tongue when knowing I had fucked up big time.

My head hurt as I rubbed my eyes with the knuckles on my fingers. I slowly sat up in the bed and looked around in the room before eying the closed bathroom door. I clenched my jaw harshly and licked my lips before climbing out of the bed.

I messily put on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt - that was probably Luke's - before walking over to the closed bathroom door. I raised my hand and clenched it to form a fist before getting ready to knock.

But before my fist had time to meet the door, it opened and showed Luke fully dressed in soccer gear. I eyed him up and down, frowning at his messy hair and tired eyes.

"Um, good morning" I spoke quietly and gave Luke a small smile. He bit his lip and nodded his head.

"Good morning" he mumbled and studied my face before walking past me.

"Where are you going?" I asked and turned around to watch him grab his shoes.

"Practice" he answered as he sat down on his bed and put on his shoes. His eyes didn't meet mine and I scratched my neck awkwardly as I watched him.

"Why? Practice doesn't start until like an hour" I spoke and slowly walked closer to him. As I sat down next to him on his bed, he stood up, making me sigh.

"I wanted to get there early to get some time to myself. The game's tomorrow and I need to get my mind on it" Luke mumbled and put on the uniform sweatshirt, his last name being printed on the back with white bold letters.

"Okay," I spoke and nodded my head as I sighed lightly again, "Yeah"

"So, bye. I'll see you later I guess-"

"Luke" I started and stood up from the bed to look at him with pursed lips. He sighed and turned around to meet my gaze, looking at me with tired eyes. The look he gave me told me to drop it, but I saw no success in doing that.

"Don't be mad at me, please" I said softly and stepped closer to him. Luke chuckled - obviously fake - and shook his head when looking at me.

"I'm not mad" Luke said as honestly as possible, before turning around again to leave. I sighed at his stubborn behavior.

"It seems to me that you are" I said, making Luke turn around once again to smile tightly at me.

"I'm not mad, Ashton. Why would I be mad?" he asked and shrugged his shoulders carelessly.

"Well," I said and bit my bottom lip when not really knowing how to put it. Luke chuckled once again and gave me a pitiful look, making me furrow my eyebrows.

"I'm not mad, Ashton. It's fine, okay? You don't love me, so what? I can't be in charge of your feelings," Luke said and shrugged once again, "It's not like I'm gonna go and cry about it"

"Luke," I sighed and ran a hand through my hair, "That's not how it is; I just didn't want to say anything I wasn't completely sure about, or ready to say. Just because I didn't say it back doesn't mean I don't like you. I just thought it was better to be honest than to lie"

"Yeah, of course it is, that's why I'm not mad" Luke repeated, this time looking a bit irritated when he spoke.

"Okay," I said and nodded my head, though I knew Luke was probably lying. "Okay, that's good. I just wanted to make sure you didn't misread the situation yesterday"

"No, of course not," Luke said and smiled tightly again. He leaned in and pressed a quick peck to my lips before turning around again. "Bye, I'll see you tonight" he spoke before leaving the room and myself in silence.

I groaned and ran a hand over my face before falling back on Luke's bed. A heavy sigh escaped from my lips and I tugged at my hair slightly before releasing it to let my hands fall down on the mattress.

My phone started buzzing, letting me know the alarm was going off. I turned it off right away and relaxed down on the bed again.

We had one day left before the final games. All the guys were in their own worlds, I was as well, and it was hard to communicate with anyone right now. It wasn't better now when Luke was obviously mad at me.

I just got a whole lot of shit on my mind, and I felt myself getting closer and closer to a panic attack when knowing just how much pressure I had on me right now. I needed a contract at the end of this camp, and I only had tomorrow to make that possible. I was nervous, and I hated it.

And all the things with Luke made my mind go wild. I had to focus on the game, but the only thing on my mind was Luke. After hearing him say those words while watching his sincere face yesterday, I knew I didn't understand those feelings, so I didn't want to say them back and act just to make Luke happy.

My whole life I had heard about how important those words were, and they should only be said when they are true. So, that's what I did now, and it turned out fucking awful.

As I kept lying in bed and drowned myself in my own misery, my phone started to buzz again, making me roll my eyes. I picked it up to turn off the alarm again, but stopped when seeing it was Michael calling me. I furrowed my eyebrows before answering the call.

"I'm literally four doors away, why are you calling me?" I answered and laid back in the bed.

"Good morning, sunshine," Michael said in a sarcastic voice, making me scoff quietly, "Where are you and Luke? Breakfast is only opened until 7:30 today"

"Fuck, I forgot" I mumbled before standing up from the bed and finished dressing myself and picked up my pills before exiting the room and walked towards breakfast.

"Yeah," he mumbled, "Are you coming or what?"

"I'm 15 seconds away, take it easy, mom" I spoke and Michael sarcastically laughed into the phone before hanging up.

With heavy steps I entered the room and immediately walked over to sit down beside Michael. He looked up from his bowl of cereal and eyed me with a raised eyebrow.

"Where's Luke?" he asked through a mouth full of milk and cereal. I grimaced at him before opening the lid to my pills.

"He's at practice already" I mumbled.

"Why? He hasn't eaten breakfast yet" Michael spoke before taking another bite of his food.

"He told me he loved me yesterday" I whispered to make sure only Michael could here me. He turned and looked at me with wide eyes and a mouth full of food. He chewed quickly and forced himself to swallow before gaping at me.

"He did?" he asked and I sighed before nodding my head, "Shit, I didn't know you guys were that serious?"

"Well," I said and ran a hand through my hair, "I didn't either until like a few days ago"

"Wow," Michael breathed and out furrowed his eyebrows, "So, what happened next? I mean, why isn't he here now?"

"After he told me he loved me, I- um," I spoke and scratched my jaw as I scrunched my face up, "I answered 'Are you sure?'"

Michael looked at me with raised eyebrows before rolling his eyes.

"And then he said that he was sure, and I said 'thank you' before getting real deep into the fact that I still wasn't feeling shit yet and he took it the wrong way, thinking I felt nothing towards him and then everything just got messed up" I continued, this time earning a pointed look from Michael.

"If someone tells you they love you, you don't answer with 'thank you', you asshole" he spoke and I sighed again.

"I know," I mumbled and stood up, "But I can't bother to care about it right now. I need to focus on the game"

"You can't ignore Luke, though? You're playing against each other tomorrow. Don't make shit go wrong and back to how it used to be" Michael spoke and frowned up at me.

"I won't" I mumbled, but by how things turned out this morning, that would probably happen again.

**

"Shit" Calum breathed out as he sat down beside me by the goal. I turned to look at him while taking off my goalkeeper gloves, raising a questioning brow at him when he bit his bottom lip harshly.

"I'm so fucking nervous" he spoke and I sighed before nodding my head. "I knew I'd be nervous and shit, but after today I just realized what a big fucking deal this is"

I nodded my head again and turned to look at the film cameras at the side of the field. There were different news and sport channels here to get a few glimpses of us before the final games tomorrow. I didn't like that they were intensely watching us, but I kept quiet when knowing I had no say in it.

"How are you feeling?" Calum asked softly and I could feel his eyes on me.

"Like shit," I answered truthfully, making him frown, "Everything is shit right now and I honestly don't think my meds are taking anymore because I feel like I'm gonna burst any moment now. I just- I have no fucking time to have my body acting like this when we're this close to the game. I fucking need that contract"

"You'll get it, Ash. I don't even think you have to worry" Calum spoke and shrugged.

"And why's that?" I sighed and untied my shoes.

"Because you're a great player. You already know you are, so just play the game tomorrow with the same confidence you've always played with" he said.

"We're playing against Luke though" I mumbled and ran a hand through my hair.

"So? That never stopped you before. I mean, both you and Luke still have to be able to play against each other even though your rivalry is over. That's how it's gonna be in the future" Calum spoke and I nodded my head because he was right.

"Luke's gonna end up hating me again though. I just really don't want to lose. I need this win"

"I wanna win too, but so does Luke. I mean, all we can do is play our best and let faith take care of the rest," Calum said before standing up.

"And the thing with Luke hating you? Yeah, that's pure bullshit and you know it. He's so fucking whipped that he'd probably lose the game just for your happiness" he spoke and laughed before walking off, leaving me alone with a frown on my face.

I need to win tomorrow. I need to make up for all the shit I've caused, both when I was young and the shit I caused here. I needed a contract for that, and I was willing to do anything at its cost.

Even if it meant making Luke lose.

I quickly stood up from my seated position and walked with quick steps over to the changing rooms. A camera followed my every move, but I ignored it as I rounded the building of the changing rooms and walked over to the field where Luke's team was practicing.

They were all spread out over the field, some talking to each other while some were sitting alone. Luke was one of those who sat alone. He was seated by the right corner of the field, lazily drinking out of his water bottle while staring at nothing but air.

"I need to talk to you" I said as I reached his side. He looked up and met my eyes before glancing away again, still sitting still on the field.

"You can't be here. You're not supposed to attend the other teams' practices" Luke mumbled.

"You're not even practicing, you're just sitting down" I said and pointed at all of the guys, but Luke didn't bother to look at what I was talking about. I sighed, "I need to talk to you for like 5 minutes, please"

Luke hesitated and looked over to his coach before sighing and stood up so he was in my eye level.

"Fine" he mumbled and looked me in the eyes, silently telling me to talk.

"Okay," I started and nodded my head before continuing, "I know things are tensed between us right now, but it shouldn't. We're supposed to be good together and we're supposed to go and play that game tomorrow as friends"

"Friends? Just friends?" Luke asked and pursed his lips. I closed my eyes shut and rubbed my forehead before shaking my head.

"No, that's not what I meant," I said and Luke rolled his eyes, "I just, you know, I want everything to be good between us. I don't want you to be mad at me for what happens at the game tomorrow"

"Why would I?" Luke asked and crossed his arms over his chest. I bit my lip and studied his face before thinking back to Calum's previous words. I breathed heavily as I looked straight into his eyes before speaking.

"I need to get a contract, Luke. I need to impress everyone tomorrow so I'll get that fucking contract and get the hell away from Australia. I need to make my mom proud and I need to make up for what I did to her. I'll buy her a whole new life. A life where she can be proud of me"

"Okay, and?" Luke asked and furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. I sighed before hesitantly speaking again.

"I need your help with that, Luke" I said softly, only for Luke to furrow his eyebrows further. He looked at me for a  long time before scoffing quietly.

"What are you saying?" he asked.

"I need to win" I whispered, making Luke laugh dryly.

"So you want me to help your team win over mine? You want me to play badly so you'll get your contract?" he asked and the way he put it made it sound fucking awful, but I couldn't deny it because that was just what I wanted.

My answer to his question was silence, making Luke look at me in disbelief. He shook his head and looked at me with frustrated eyes.

"No. Don't you hear how fucked up that is, Ash? That's fucking illegal, I could get caught and I'd have to pay thousands of dollars" he said and frowned at me. "And I have my own fucking father to think of. I need to impress to get a contract as well, so why do you think I'd forget all of that and only think about you?"

"Because-" I started and reached one hand up to brush it against Luke's arm, "Because you love me"

It was silent for a moment, the only thing being heard from us was our heavily breathing. Luke suddenly snatched his arm away from my touch, making me retract and purse my lips.

"I won't just give it all up for you! Just because I told you I love you doesn't mean I'll suddenly drop everything for you. I already let go of my pride when I told you I've fallen so fucking hard for you, and you still haven't done or said a thing. I'm fucking embarrassed, and I won't let you win over me again" Luke said frustratedly, only for me to grow frustrated as well.

I could feel my body ignoring the work from the pills, and I looked at Luke intensely before speaking up.

"So this would have been a whole other conversation if I had said the same words back to you yesterday?" I asked, only for Luke to stare back at me with disbelief in his eyes.

He shook his head and chuckled dryly before stepping away from me and gave me a burning glare, much like the ones he used to give me before the camp.

"Bye Ash," he spoke and looked at me blankly, "I'll see you at the game tomorrow"

~

i've had the next chapter planned ever since i started the book omg

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