l u k e

I raised my fist and sighed heavily before letting my knuckles meet the door in front of me. It created a light knock and bit my lip as I waited for someone to open the door.

After a few seconds, the door opened and I was met with a messy-haired Niall.

"Hi Luke," he said and opened the door further to invite me in, "You showered fast"

"Yeah, I know" I said and gave him a small smile.

It had been a few hours since Ashton had left to the hospital and me and the other guys had a late morning practice in which mostly contained sprinting. I was absolutely exhausted, but I felt the need to talk to Calum after everything that happened between us yesterday, so I didn't waste too much time in the shower.

"I don't know if you're here for me or Calum, but I'm guessing it's the latter," Niall said and gave me a grin, "He's in the shower, will probably be out soon if he's not planning on taking all the fucking hot water!" Niall spoke in a loud voice at the end, making sure Calum heard him.

"I'm showering cold for you, Horan" Calum voice was heard from inside the bathroom.

"You're showering cold and thinking about me?" Niall asked and scrunched his face up, "Stop doing that, right now"

The scrunched-up face Niall made by just the slightly homosexual joke he did made my chest tighten. I sat down on Calum's bed and forced a small smile at the 'joke' while feeling my body slump slightly.

It was all falling down on me that I was in a sport - or rather a world - that did not accept men being gay. It was totally fine in women's soccer though. I could count up so many openly gay women who played professional soccer, but I couldn't count up even one man.

I had been thinking about that thought a lot since I got a foot inside professional soccer, and it sucked. It was depressing, and it didn't boost my confidence at all.

Niall didn't notice my sulking and grinned big when hearing Calum turn off the shower. He turned back to me as he reached for his towel by his bed.

"So, what's up with Ashton? Why wasn't he in practice today?" he asked and raised one curious eyebrow.

"Um, I'm not really sure. There's a few things that had to be checked up, but there's nothing to worry about" I said, trying not to say too much but also trying not to make up a whole lie.

"Checked up?" Niall asked and furrowed his eyebrows.

"Yeah, or, I don't know," I spoke and shrugged, "He'll probably tell everyone later. For now, I don't know much. Barely anything"

Niall pursed his lips before smiling at me and ran a hand through his slightly sweaty hair. "Yeah, hope he's okay though. He's like the best goalie on this camp and it would suck for him to lose the last game and all that"

"Yeah," I mumbled and nodded my head, "That would suck"

Our conversation was cut short when Calum walked out of the bathroom wearing a loose grey t-shirt and dark blue soccer shorts. He had his towel over his head as he was drying his hair. He soon let the towel drop and his eyes met mine.

"Luke?" he asked and ran a hand through his dark curls to get them back to where they belonged.

"I need to talk to you" I said and bit my bottom lip a bit anxiously.

"Oh, okay" Calum said and nodded his head before he walked over and sat down beside me on his bed.

"Well, I'm gonna take a shower" Niall said and stretched his body before walking in to the bathroom and closed the door behind him.

Calum and I were left in silence for a while, no one speaking up until we heard the shower turning on, draining every other noise out for Niall.

"I need to talk to you about yesterday" I mumbled and leaned my head back against the wall.

"Yeah, I figured," Calum sighed and leaned his head back as well before speaking again, "I'm sorry"

"What?" I asked and turned to look at the profile of his face. He was frowning deeply while his jaw was locked.

"I'm sorry about yesterday," I spoke up and turned to face me, "I had no right to be so nosy and I had no right to tell you what was right or wrong. Those were all my thoughts and I threw them in your face like if they were facts you should know"

"Cal-"

"No wait," he said to cut me off, "I had no right to say those stuff I did about you and Ash, because you are your own person and you make your own decisions. I guess I was just really fucking shocked that you two were.. you know, a thing? I don't know, I guess I was just bothered and I came to dumb conclusions and started to boss you around. I'm sorry for that"

I eyed my best friend and bit my lip before sighing and turning my head forward again, closing my eyes in slight frustration.

"You were right though" I mumbled.

"What?" Calum asked.

"Everything you said about me and Ash, you were right"

"No I wasn't. Luke, I was just speaking without thinking and I was a bit mad and I just threw things out. It was dumb, don't listen to what I said" Calum spoke and nudged his arm against mine.

I sighed and kept my eyes closed though, as I started speaking again. "No, you were right. After you left I just started to think and it all just hit me. I can't believe how I could have been so oblivious, because now everything is so obvious"

"What are you saying?" Calum asked quietly and I could feel his eyes study the side of my face in curiosity.

"That you were right. That you are right," I mumbled and sighed, "I was a fucking panicking mess when I realized it and in the middle of it all Ash came back and I started lashing out on him because I didn't want it all to be true but it is and I fucking-"

"Luke, calm down," Calum said and gripped my shoulder, making me open my eyes and turn to look at him, "What's true?" he asked in a small voice.

"I like him, Calum. I fucking like him and I don't know how it happened because in the beginning of this camp I hated him, and now 7 weeks after, I have fucking feelings for him" I spoke and groaned before letting my head fall down on Calum's shoulder.

"Really?" Calum asked and I nodded my head against his shoulder, "Well, does he know?"

"No," I snorted, "Why would I tell him when it's just like you told me; it won't ever work out"

"Luke," Calum sighed, "I didn't mean what I said-"

"It doesn't matter. I won't tell him or do anything about it because I know for a fact that he won't ever feel anything back. It's just the way it is" I muttered.

"Why wouldn't he like you? I mean, he must somewhat like you if he kisses you and touches you and, you know, sex you" Calum spoke and even though I was quite the broken and confused mess right now, I cracked a smile and chuckled.

"'Sex me'?" I asked and lifted my head from Calum's shoulder to look at him. He rolled his eyes and blushed slightly as I gave him an amused look.

"You know what I mean," he mumbled and shrugged, "I just- It's all new to me, I guess, so I don't really know what to say"

"If two males fuck each other, it's still called 'fucking each other'" I spoke and Calum gave me a slight glare, "Just because it's the same genders doesn't mean it's any different"

"I know," Calum sighed and turned his whole body around to fully face me, "I want to apologize for that as well. The way I reacted yesterday is not how I feel about it. You just dropped a bomb and it took me by surprise. I mean, we've known each other since forever and you tell me now when we're 18 years old, just out of the blue"

I shrugged and moved around in the bed in slight discomfort, "Well, better late than ever"

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" Calum asked in a soft voice as his polite brown eyes searched mine.

"Because I was afraid," I spoke like it was obvious, "I didn't know what you'd think since you've never even mentioned gay relationships. I don't know a single person who's gay, so I had no one to turn to. So to make it all simple, I just pretended like it was nothing"

Calum frowned and licked his lips before reaching out and placed a hand on my shoulder, squeezing it comfortably.

"I would have understood. I'm your best friend and I would have never judged you. I'm not judging you now and I won't judge you ever. You liking guys won't ever make me not be your friend," Calum spoke and gave me a smile, "Actually, it makes us better friends because now you can be your true self. No hiding"

I looked at him for a while before cracking a smile and reached out to pull him into a hug, "Yeah, no hiding"

Calum smiled against my shoulder and hugged me tighter as he mumbled into the embrace, "And how do you know Ashton doesn't like you? How can he not like you? You're awesome"

I pulled away from the hug and gave Calum a weak smile, "Thanks, but it's different"

He eyes me with slightly furrowed eyebrows before giving me a reassuring smile.

"Whatever it is, it will work out. Trust me" he spoke before hooking an arm around my shoulder and tugged me down on the mattress. He dug his knuckles into my scalp and pushed my head down the pillows, making me groan.

"So," Calum spoke after he had let go of his hold on me, his eyebrows wiggling teasingly, "Have you ever had like a crush on me?"

I glanced his way and scoffed loudly, "No"

"What, why?" he asked and it almost sounded like I had disrespected him.

"Because you suck" I grumbled.

"Isn't that like one of the most important things in a guy on guy relationship?" Calum asked and I rolled my eyes before smacking a pillow in his face.

**

It was late, exactly 2:03 am at night, and I was still wide awake. Ashton still hadn't come home from his hospital visit and even though I didn't want to, I was worried.

I didn't know what was happening to him or what they would be doing to him today. All I knew was that he'd go to the hospital for some kind of checkup, but I never thought a simple checkup would take over 10 hours.

My thoughts were cut short when I heard the handle move slightly and soon the door was opening. I could barely see Ashton entering the dark room, but I knew it was him.

I moved around quietly in my bed before reaching for the table light and turned it on.

"Hi" I spoke just as the light switched on, making Ashton jump.

"Jesus, Luke," he spoke and turned to look at me with wide eyes and hands over his chest, "You fucking scared me"

"Sorry" I said and breathed out a small laugh.

"Why aren't you asleep anyway? It's late" Ashton said as he shrugged his jacket off and walked over to his bed, sitting down on it.

I shrugged, "I don't know, I wanted to see you, I guess. I wanted to see how it all went. You've been gone forever"

"I know," Ashton sighed and fell back on his bed, "I'm fucking exhausted"

"Oh. Well, we can talk about this tomorrow if you wanna sleep now?" I asked but Ashton shook his head.

"No, I've got a lot to tell you" he said as he got off his bed and walked over to his jacket. He pulled out a few papers from the pocket before walking over to me and sat down on the side of my bed.

"Here," He said and handed me the papers. I raised one eyebrow up in confusion, making him speak again, "Read through them. It's everything I did today"

I licked my lips and furrowed my eyebrows slightly before opening the papers up and started to read. My eyes ran swiftly from side to side of the papers, reading about Ashton's day.

My heart picked up its pace when seeing all theses big and complicated medical words, making me think something bad had happened, but as I read the very last paper, my mouth opened slightly.

"What's this?" I asked quietly and turned the paper to show Ashton what I meant. He inspected the paper before a small smile spread on his lips.

"That's my disorder and the schedule to my new meds" he spoke as his smile grew. He was almost grinning now.

"It's doesn't say psychopathy?" I spoke and looked at him in pure confusion.

Ashton was grinning now. He moved closer to me on the bed and soon had his arm pressed against mine as we were both seated. His head was turned so his eyes were staring into mine and I watched his eyes gleam with excitement.

"It's because I'm not a psychopath" Ashton whispered and smiled softly as his eyes kept being locked with mine.

"What?" I asked in barely a whisper as I felt something in my chest tighten in anticipation and hope.

Ashton smiled wider and moved even closer to me before I felt his warm hand against my shirtless back, softly drawing patterns against my skin.

"I'm not a psychopath, Luke, it was all wrong. I've been wrongly diagnosed my whole life and I've been on pills that mostly didn't help me at all. After doing a checkup with a doctor, a few tests and pictures, and then talked to a psychiatrist for hours, they both came to the conclusion that there's no way I'm a psychopath"

I was left completely silent in shock as I watched Ashton with wide eyes. His hand kept moving up and down my back, and I was happy about that because it was probably the only thing that kept me from freaking out right about now.

"So you're..-" I spoke and lifted the paper again, "Borderline Personality Disorder?"

"Yeah" Ashton spoke and bit his lip.

"Is that- Is that good?" I asked and eyed the paper that explained the disorder.

"I wouldn't really call it good, but it's better than before. I have the right meds now, so I at least feel good. I feel safe" he spoke softly and shrugged.

"How did they find out?" I whispered and let my fingers inch their way over to the hem of Ashton's t-shirt and slowly slid underneath.

Ashton breathed out heavily and his body leaned closer to mine before speaking, "I talked to the psychiatrist and she made me open up for once, and it felt good. She made me talk about my mom and my dad. She made me talk about Michael and other people around me. She made me talk about my school time and about soccer"

I nodded my head and bit my lip as Ashton's forehead softly met mine, making us lean against each other.

"And she made me talk about you" Ashton whispered and snaked his arms around my waist my pull my whole body against him.

"Me? What about me?" I asked quietly and kept my eyes closed as I enjoyed the warmth Ashton's embrace gave me.

"I talked about you, about us. Our whole history together, even this morning," he spoke and breathed hotly against my lips, "I talked about everything with you, and that made her realize I was not a psychopath. She said that after she had heard me speak about you, there was no way I could be a psychopath"

"How?" I asked, hope laced in my words as one of my hands held his waist and the other fisted his shirt.

"She said that it's because I show feelings. That I feel emotions. That I feel too much" Ashton answered and nudged his nose against mine gently.

"What does that mean?" I asked and gulped as I patiently waited for the answer.

"That I can feel, Luke. And I feel so fucking much" Ashton whispered before he gripped my waist tightly and placed his lips on mine.

My hand fisted his shirt even harder when I worked my lips against his, trying to tug him as close as possible. I released embarrassing noises between the feverish kiss, but I couldn't care less because they all spoke for happiness.

Ashton snaked both his arms around me and pulled my body against his before pushing me down on the mattress. Our lips never once let go of each other.

Ashton's tongue gently pushed its way past my lips and I gladly welcomed it into my mouth with my own tongue happily moving with his.

Even though it was frantic, it was so soft and careful. It was controlled by want, but it was still gentle and caring. It was everything that made it feel real, and it felt so fucking good.

My hand ran through Ashton's hair as his hand ran up and down my waist, making shivers go up my spine. A satisfied moan escaped from my mouth, making the hoarse noise mix into the kiss.

It seemed to satisfy Ashton even more, because his hold on me tightened before he delicately ran a hand up my chest and neck, to then softly place it on my cheek.

With heavy breathing we both pulled away from the kiss and looked at each other with colorful eyes.

"God, Barbie," Ashton spoke and caressed my cheek as he smiled down at me, "You make me feel so much"

I breathed out heavily in content and smiled back up at Ashton. I slowly let one of my hands slid out of his hair and down to his chest. My hand placed itself over his heart and I gently curled my fingers into his skin, surrounding his heart like a cage, before speaking,

"You make me feel so much, too"

~

i've started my ot4 book, so check it out. it's called fuck monogamy and it's gonna be good, i swear

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