a s h t o n

"So, Ashton Irwin, am I correct?" a middle aged man dressed in a doctor's coat asked as he was seated behind his desk.

"Yeah, that's correct" I spoke and nodded my head from my seat across from him.

"It's nice to finally meet you and have a conversation with you and not someone else speaking for you through a phone" he said and gave me a warm smile before looking through his papers.

"Oh, I apologize," he said suddenly and stood up to reach his hand out for me to shake, "I'm Dr. Matt Richards, but I rather you call me by my first name only"

"Okay" I spoke and nodded my head before leaning back in my chair, pursing my lips in slight nervousness.

"We are waiting for Dr. Bailey, she's a psychologist and she'll be talking to you today. She's a really great doctor, knows her profession flawlessly, so that will work beautifully," he spoke and smiled at me before going back to his papers.

"She'll be here in about 30 minutes, so before that I'd like to go through a few things to make sure we've got it all correct," he said and I nodded my head in confirmation, "Okay, so my papers say that you're assigned to Dr. Leyton and Dr. Werrett at Royal Perth Hospital and also their special clinic since you were 8. Is that right?"

"Um, yeah. I had Dr. Walsh until I was 12 but he retired" I spoke in a mumble.

"Are you still in contact with him or her?"

"No" I spoke and shook my head.

"Was Dr. Walsh the one to diagnose you?" he asked and I shook my head.

"No, the people who did it were people I had never seen before and have never seen since. I got sent to a mental clinic in Maylands for that specific check-up"

"Okay," Matt said and nodded his head before he browsed through all the papers and soon gave me one specific paper, "Are those your medications that are written on the top?"

I looked down at the paper and read the three names of medication before nodding my head.

"Do you know what you take them for?"

"Um, the first one is for anger and everything within that. The next one is to calm my brain, or well, my whole body I guess," I mumbled and bit my lip, "And the last one is basically to make me normal if everything goes too far"

"What do you mean by that?" Matt asked and furrowed his eyebrows slightly as he leaned his elbows against his desk.

"I don't really know. It's not often I take them since they told me they were for emergencies only. If I feel like I go too far in my actions and I can't calm down" I spoke.

"How often would you say you take them?"

"When I was younger and had just gotten diagnosed, my mom was very nervous and stuff so whenever anything slightly out of the ordinary happened, she gave me one of those pills.

"Now when I'm older I haven't really had the need to take them because I've gotten to know myself and my disorders. But I wouldn't say I never take them" I said.

"Have you taken them since you came to this football camp you are participating in?" he asked and looked at me with professional eyes.

I hesitated before nodding my head, making Matt furrow his eyebrows.

"I've taken them a few times, yes"

"And why was that? When did you feel the need to take them?"

"When I feel-" I started and took a deep breath before talking again, "When I feel like I go too far. When I get too physical"

"Physical, as in..?" he asked.

"Physical, as in fighting people, I guess," I spoke and shook my head, "I mean, when I feel like I get too close to seriously hurt someone"

Matt listened and nodded his head before letting the pen in his hand scribble down notes on a notebook by his side.

"Do you feel a change in your body after taking these medications? Do you feel like they have any side effects?" he asked and looked up at me again.

"I don't know, these are the only meds I've ever taken, apart from the bipolar meds I took before the diagnose, so I don't really know what to compare with. But I wouldn't really say that they make me feel good"

"In what way would that be?"

"I feel out of place, I guess. And when I play I want to be focused, so I feel like I can't take my pills, and that makes me torn between what to do. I don't feel normal with nor without taking my pills, and I wish for something in the middle"

"Okay," Matt spoke and wrote more words into the paper, leaving me alone in silence.

"When was the last time you went on a check-up?" Matt asked after a while, making me shrug.

"Too long, probably. I try to avoid talking about my disorders as much as possible because I really don't like to be reminded of it"

"Is that why you kept it a secret from your coaches?"

"Yeah, and almost everyone else in my life" I mumbled.

"And why's that?" he asked softly.

"Because I don't want people to feel sorry for me or to treat me like some charity case. I just want to be normal and don't get any special treatments. I just want to live like a normal human being"

**

"So Ashton, tell me about yourself" Dr. Bailey spoke and from her chair as she was turned to look at me who was seated on the big leather coach diagonal to her.

I sighed quietly and pursed my lips before speaking up. Telling her simple fact about who 'Ashton Irwin' was and what he did, what he likes, and who he was striving to be.

She was quiet the whole time and nodded her head, humming from time to time, as she was quickly writing down notes in his notepad. It was all quite agonizing, but I just sat still in my seat and kindly answered her questions.

"So, I've read the files I've been given from your previous psychologist in Perth, and I saw that your last appointment was almost two years ago. Why's that?" she asked and eyed me curiously.

I looked down in my lap and picked on my nails to avoid her eyes as I shrugged. "I don't know. I just didn't want to speak with him anymore"

"And why's that?"

"Because I don't like to be reminded of who I am," I said and shrugged simply, "I don't like to talk about why I'm not normal"

"And what is the definition of normal to you?" she asked and I just wanted to stand up and leave.

I had no problem with her. She was nice, so was Matt, but I could take any more talk about me. I didn't like to talk about myself, I'd rather just live my life and avoid myself. Everything that had to do with myself, I'd avoid.

"I don't know, not a psychopath" I mumbled and she nodded her head and looked at me intently before taking a deep breath and speaking.

"How are you feeling with yourself? Would you say you like yourself, Ashton?"

"No, absolutely not," I spoke while shaking my head, "I'd rather say that I hate myself"

"And why do you hate yourself?"

"Because I don't see a way of loving myself when knowing exactly what I've done" I spoke.

She was quiet for a few seconds before speaking up softly, "Does this have to do with the incident when you were 8, or the accident with your mother when you were 13?"

I tensed up when hearing her speak about my mother, and started to clench and unclench my fists to calm down.

"Both, and more" I mumbled and she nodded her head.

"Can you tell me why?"

"I-" I spoke and took a deep breath before speaking again, "I nearly killed both of them. I've nearly killed a lot of people in my life and I don't want to, but it just happens. I can't control it because I just disappear in my anger and I'm worried that I'll one day get the news that I've actually successfully killed someone"

"You describe it as 'a lot of people', can you be more specific? Are they family? Are they friends? Or what would you call them?" she asked and I bit my lip.

"Well, it's been a bit of it all. There was my classmate, then there was my mom, then there was my best friend. It's been guys I've met during soccer, and that mostly Luke" I mumbled.

"Is Luke the boy who you've had an on and off war with?"

"Um yeah," I answered, quite surprised she knew who he was, "And he's now my roommate during the camp"

"Okay," she spoke and nodded her head, "You also said you disappear in your anger, what do you mean by that?"

"I just disappear. I sometimes reach a limit when I get mad, and after that limit I can't control my actions and I can't remember what I've done. It's just blank and I don't know what to do to prevent it" I said.

She nodded her head and moved her chair around, scribbling something down in her notepad, before speaking again.

"If you imagine some of these people you've had incidents with dying, how would you believe you'd react?"

"I don't know" I mumbled and frowned at just the mere thought.

"If we do it like this; you'll forget about your disorders for just a few minutes. You'll forget about everything around you, and you'll answer my question with the first thing that comes to mind, okay?" she asked.

"Yeah, okay" I said and nodded my head, breathing in and out deeply before letting the silence in the room take over.

"If your mother had died, and only you survived, what would you feel?"

"Guilt" I spoke immediately, making me frown slightly. Dr. Bailey nodded her head though and kept taking notes.

"Why?" she asked.

"Because the crash was my fault. If anyone should die it should be me"

"Would you say you still feel guilt for what happened?"

"If I could, then yeah I would feel guilt. I was the reason to it all and I can't turn back time to change it, even if I wanted to" I spoke softly.

"If your classmate would have died, what would you feel then?"

"I would feel-" I said and stopped to think before speaking again, "I would feel fear. I didn't really know the guy and I was young, I barely remember it happening but if I'd have to live with me killing someone when I was 8, I'd be scared of myself and for others"

She kept writing down notes, and I almost flinched at the sound of pen meeting paper, but kept quiet.

"How about your best friend. Michael, right?"

"We've never had an situation close to being hurt that badly, since he's always known how to handle me. But there's still been things that I regret doing. So I'd say regret, when it comes to Michael. He treats me so good and I treat him like shit, and I truly regret it every day"

"And lastly, Luke," she said and looked me in the eyes, "I know that you two have had a lot of run-in's with each other, but if you can only describe losing Luke with one feeling, what would that be?"

"I-" I spoke and bit the insides of my cheeks as I moved around in my seat before speaking again, "I don't think I can"

"What do you mean?" she asked and furrowed her eyebrows.

"I mean, if I was to lose Luke, that I would be the one to make him disappear, I wouldn't be able to only describe it with one emotion, because I believe there would be more" I spoke and Dr. Bailey put away her notebook and gave me her full attention.

"Explain them to me" she said and I licked my lips before hesitantly nodding my head.

"I don't know why, but I feel like it would really affect me if anything happened to Luke. We hated each other for so long, but when we put the stupid fight aside, I grew kind of attached to him. He understood me and I felt comfortable around him, even though I haven't known him by heart for years like I've done with Mike, he's a comfort for me.

"He was actually the first one that I told about my disorders and he talked me into speaking up about it, and even though it has caused trouble, I'm kind of thankful for it" I mumbled and kept my eyes on my hands in my lap.

"Right before I went here, I had some kind of mental breakdown, almost like a panic attack of some kind, and it was all because Luke asked me questions about my disorders. He made me realize I can never feel for anyone, that I can't show compassion, and after that I just panicked" I whispered and bit my lip harshly.

"Ashton, would you describe Luke as your friend?" Dr. Bailey asked after a while and I nodded my head, "Would you want to be more than friends?"

I lifted my head up and looked at her with hesitant eyes before whispering, "I'd say we already are"

"Do you mind if I ask in what way?" she spoke softly. I gulped down and shook my head again.

"It's simply.. sex, I guess" I said awkwardly, but she gave me no judging looks.

"Do you feel anything more than just physical attraction towards Luke?"

"More? As in feelings?" I asked and furrowed my eyebrows, "No. I can't even feel emotionally and think that's for the best. This is only temporary and both Luke and I know that. That's why we started it"

"Okay," she said and nodded her head, "So when Luke asked you all those questions about psychopathy, did he seem satisfied with the answers?"

"Why do you ask?" I asked and furrowed my eyebrows as I crossed my arms over my chest protectively.

"Because it seems like you weren't satisfied with the answers," she spoke and I stayed silent to listen, "The way you described that panic attack makes me think you were hit with realization that you would never feel for Luke, making you worried that you'd lose him"

"What?" I asked and frowned, "No, that's not it"

"Let me ask you something," she said and stood up from her chair to sit down on the couch beside me, "How many times have you ever felt like hurting yourself?"

"I don't know," I said and shrugged, "A lot?"

"When do you feel like those thoughts occurs and when do you feel like they disappear?" she asked. I sat still to think for a while before finding the answer.

"They're not there when I have someone around, but as soon as they leave, they come up almost immediately" I said and she hummed.

"And do you feel like you change personalities quickly?" she asked and I slowly nodded my head.

"But I don't really know who I am. Like, I change every day and I don't really know how to stop" I mumbled and Dr. Bailey nodded before standing up to walk over to her desk. She looked through a folder filled with papers before taking one out and handed it to me.

"Can you read this through and tell me if you feel like you recognize yourself in it?" she asked and I nodded slowly before taking the paper and read it through.

After minutes of reading the text over and over again, I looked up at her with furrowed eyebrows.

"What is this?" I whispered.

"You you recognize yourself?" she asked and I hesitated before nodding my head.

Everything on the paper was me. From the fear of people abandoning me, to the blackouts after anger and stress attacks, to acting impulsively, to the struggle of controlling my anger. Everything fit so well that I thought it was written only based on myself.

"What is it?" I repeated.

"This, Ashton," she said and sat down beside me on the couch again, "Is BPD, which stands for Borderline Personality Disorder"

I furrowed my eyebrows and glanced between her and the paper in my hands before speaking up weakly, "What?"

"Ever since reading your files from age 14, I've been extremely unsure about you being a psychopath or sociopath. I didn't see any resemblances between you and other patients of mine, so I grew suspicious to if your diagnoses were wrong"

"What?" I asked again, my voice hoarse, making Dr. Bailey smile warmly at me.

"Ashton, you are not a psychopath, there is no way that you are. I can see why they thought so when you were younger, but you were so so young back then, and your mind and body has developed since then.

"After you told me about your friends and family, I became more sure about my suspicions, but it wasn't until Luke that I knew for sure that you're not a psychopath"

I sat still and let my eyes roam the room in shock and realization. I didn't know what to feel, and I didn't know what to say.

"I'm sorry you've been wrongly diagnosed for this long and that you have been forced to take medication that doesn't help you in the right ways. I believe that those have made things worse for you, and I can't imagine how you've felt" she spoke softly and I nodded my head slightly, still having wide eyes and a shocked look on my face before speaking.

"H-How do you know that I'm not a psychopath? How can you be so sure that's not what I am?" I asked quietly.

"Because psychopaths doesn't feel, and they definitely don't care," she said and smiled warmly, "But you Ashton, you feel and care too much to even come close to that"

~

this was kind of a boring chapter but it's veryveryvery important

so, ashton isn't a psychopath. it's the start of something new
(it feels so right to be here with you)

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