l u k e

I kept my eyes locked on the stars showing on the pitch black sky as Ashton was lying beside me, my arm wrapped around him while silence was spread around us.

It was close to midnight now, and Ash and I hadn't even moved from the pitch yet. It was comfortable and peaceful out here, and I had no want to stand up and walk all the way back to our dorm.

"I don't feel anything" Ashton spoke up suddenly, making me turn my head away from the night sky to study his face that was being lit up by the pitch lights.

"What?" I asked and furrowed my eyebrows.

"I don't feel, it's just empty" he spoke, and I was even more confused now.

"What do you mean?" I asked, frowning.

"I'm a psychopath" he spoke and the frown on my face grew deeper, almost hurting my forehead. Silence was spread around us and I started to grow worried.

"No you're not, Ash" I said confidently, shaking my head a bit as I chuckled in confusion.

"I am though, I got papers to prove it" he said, laughing dryly while keeping his gaze on the stars above us.

"What are you talking about?" I asked in a whisper. It stung inside of me, knowing that if this was true, I had gone around and called Ashton a maniac when in reality he was something related to that all along.

"When I was little I had a lot of problems, more than I have now, believe it or not" he said and chuckled dryly.

"I never showed emotions and I just suddenly lashed out on people, making my parent so exhausted and confused. They took me to the doctor and I got all those pills you found. All those annoying fucking orange plastic containers with those fucking pills.

"The pills worked for a bit, but I was still on edge because I was a young energetic boy who wanted to live and have fun, and my parents just couldn't take it some times" he told me, sighing and but his lip harshly before continuing.

"On my birthday, when I was in second grade, I beat my classmate up so roughly that he almost became unconscious. And that was only because he borrowed my pencil sharpener without asking" he said and I frowned while holding Ashton close.

"The teacher couldn't stop me so she panicked and ran out to get the principal. Before he had gotten there, Michael had managed to pull me off of the boy, and all the kids looked at me like I was some kind of monster. Most cried, I remember Michael doing it anyway.

"The principal and my teacher came running into the room and they looked at me and the boy with horrified eyes, literally tracing the blood that covered both of us" Ashton stopped to take a breath, his face was cold and stone-like, making me not knowing what to do.

"I remember seeing the other boy's parents crying while watching their son getting transported into the ambulance. I was transported into a police car though. I was barely 8 years old and I sat in the back of a police car, watching out of the window, waving at my crying parents as I drove away.

"I didn't even know what I had done was wrong, I'm that much of a fuck up" Ashton laughed humorlessly and I almost whimpered at the stone cold look on his face.

"I talked to the police a bit, answering questions an 8 year old could do before waiting outside while the police interrogated my parents.

"Mom came out crying and dad came out with a stern face. I was scared because I thought they'd yell at me like usual but dad only grabbed me by my arm and took me to a fucking mental institution.

"I can still hear my mom's cries in the car and dad yelling for her to shut up because 'what they were doing was for the best'. I had no idea what was going on so I sat quietly in the back, trying to scrape off the blood that was still on my shirt.

"When I came into the mental-shit-building, it was like they had expected me. They took me away from my parents and brought me into a small room, almost giving me a rage attack by the suffocating feeling" he said and I swear I could feel him shiver beside me.

"A big fucking man came into the room and sat down on the other side of the table with a bunch of papers, and then he just started asking me questions without introducing himself or anything.

"What was the questions?" I asked carefully, not knowing if I was rude for asking it. Ashton didn't seem to mind though as he answered my questions.

"Most were about how I was thinking, also these weird ass ink pictures that they wanted me to describe. Then a lot of questions about my feelings and how I expressed them, which I never did, and rarely ever do still. But then they got more straight forward as in if I had ever had any suicidal thoughts. Simply if I had ever wanted to end my life" he said and I tensed up.

"I said no because I didn't remember any time that I had wanted to die, but the man apparently knew about the day my mother walked in to the kitchen, finding 5 year old me pressing a knife to my own throat and 7 year old me calmly wrapping a rope around my neck" Ashton whispered and frowned.

"I don't remember those days all together, but I know it happened. I have flashing images but the scary thing is that I don't remember shit about what I felt or what I thought, I just remember the cold blade I pressed against my skin and the heavy rope hanging off my shoulders.

"So even though I told him no, the man wrote 'yes' on the paper. He kept asking me weird questions that I surprisingly had answers to, like, I wasn't even hesitating on my answers" he said, scoffing in disbelief and I but my lip as I hurt by hearing all this.

"He then asked me if I had ever felt like I wanted to kill a person and I said yes. He asked me how many times I had wanted to kill anyone and I said I couldn't count them up" he said quietly and turned to look at me, I bit down on my lip harder as I looked into his wide, glossy eyes.

"Can you believe that Luke? I was 8 years old and I couldn't count up how many times I had wanted to kill someone" he said, chuckling brokenly while turning back to the star filled sky.

I wanted to reach out and touch him, to soothe him, but I was too scared to do that. I didn't want to push him over any edges right now.

"After that he thanked me for my answers and he left me alone in the room. I remember I sat there on the chair and dangled my legs, singing a bit and sounding like a happy kid. Don't you hear how fucked up this sounds?" he asked and I breathed deeply.

"Ash" I breathed out but he stopped me, continuing his story.

"A woman came and got me out of the room and brought me to some x-ray room and put me in this tube thing where you take pictures of your brain. I had to lay there for about 40 minutes until they let me go back to my parents. They were both crying and I was so confused. They got a few papers from the man I had talked to before mom grabbed my hand and tugged me out to the car.

"I remember how they sent me up to my room when we came home and how the clock was around 2 AM. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't even close my eyes because of my parents screaming from the kitchen. They were arguing about me so I sneaked out of my room and sat outside the kitchen to listen.

"Dad was screaming about how I was a freak and he couldn't deal with me anymore. Not only did I have behavior bipolar disorder, and all those messed up brain things, but now I was a psychopath too" Ashton spoke and took a deep breath before speaking again.

"Dad said that they had to send me off, like, away somewhere to get me help and give my parents peace, but my mother refused to. I was her only child and she didn't want to lose me.

"After that, I watched my father storm out the house and I haven't seen him since" Ashton said and I held my breath because I had no idea what to do.

"My mother was left with a freak of a son and she struggled so much because she had to spend so much money on me and my medical stuff; all my appointments, all my therapy, all my medication, everything. It's my fault she's so tired because I need so much attention all the time. I ruined her life" he sighed and I quickly shook my head.

"No you didn't Ash" I whispered. Ashton breathed out a laugh.

"Yes I did, Luke. Just like I ruined Michael's"

"You haven't ruined Michael's life?" I said while frowning.

"I did ruin his life. He was the only person who could handle me and calm me down. He always had to help the teachers in school and my mom at home. He had to be by my side every day and I was too selfish to notice it was forced.

"He could have been whoever he wanted and he could have been with whoever he wanted, but he was forced to stick with me and my decisions" he sighed.

"You know that's not true Ash, he loves you. You're his best friend" I whispered out calmly, making Ashton breathe heavily.

"Who'd- without force -like to be best friends with a psychopath?" he chuckled dryly and I shook my head in frustration because he had it all wrong.

"You are an amazing person Ashton, and what is written on paper doesn't define who you are. I would have never known if you hadn't told me. I don't see you like that, because you are so much more" I whispered, making Ashton turn to look at me.

"I wish to feel, Luke," he whispered shut his eyes closed harshly before opening them, "I wish to feel for you"

His hazel eyes were foggy and glossy and I felt myself breaking inside at the sight in front of me. The boy was so hurt and broken, I had no idea what would make him whole again.

I let my eyes roam his face and gently placed a hand on his cheek. He was cold and I shivered, but didn't let it show.

My eyes fell on his pink plump lips and I gulped down as I now made a decision I had been too scared to do before.

"I'm gonna break that fucking rule and kiss you" I whispered and Ashton looked at me for a few dreadfully long seconds before nodding his head.

I licked my lips nervously and leaned in closer to him. How I could be so nervous with him was a mystery. I had done a hell of a lot more things with him than kissing, but this was just so real.

I took a shaky breath before placing my lips on Ashton's. He was cold, almost deadly cold, making a shiver ran down my spine.

I kissed him softly, waiting for him to kiss back. He soon responded, moving his lips gently against mine. He placed a hand on the small of my back, pulling me closer to him.

The warm feeling that spread through my body would be something I would have worried about a couple of weeks ago, but right now I felt more content than ever.

Ashton fisted his hand at my back in my shirt as I started to nibble at his bottom lip.

I gasped when Ashton opened his mouth and his tongue licked my top lip, wanting to gain access.

I didn't make him wait as I opened my mouth, letting his tongue meet mine. I shivered again, not because of any coldness, but because it felt so fucking good.

Ashton's tongue worked smoothly against mine, making me let out a small moan into his mouth. Ashton both heard and felt it, making him tug me even closer to him and kiss me even harder.

I moved my hand from his cheek down to his neck, holding a secure grip and keeping his lips locked with mine.

Ashton explored my mouth and I let him because he tasted so good and it was all so gentle which was kind of new for both of us.

Ashton licked the roof of my mouth, making me let out a low moan and Ashton breathed out heavily.

I let my fingers move up to his hair, combing through it, hearing Ashton sigh into the kiss. Lips moved together like we had been doing this for a life time. It felt comfortable, and as Ashton's tongue moved with mine gently, I knew this was right.

The kiss kept on going until I slowly pulled away, keeping my eyes closed and my forehead leaning against his. Our heavy breaths were mixed with each other's.

"Why did you do that?" Ashton asked in a whisper, holding me close still.

"I wanted to" I whispered back, twirling my fingers in his hair.

Ashton moved his hand to my hip, caressing the skin that was showing thanks to my shirt sliding up a bit.

"I'm glad you went against the rules" Ashton hummed and I smiled, placing my lips on his again, making Ashton respond immediately.

We pulled away again, this is time far enough to look into each other's eyes. Ashton's hazel-green pools were big and warm, showing me bright colors I had never seen before.

I smiled at the sight, making Ashton smile back. I knew now that Ashton was bad at showing emotions due to his disorders, but I could see him warm up now, and it made a heavy weight lift off my own shoulders.

We didn't say anything, we just enjoyed the silence and watching and holding each other in the slight dark. It was peaceful and sweet.

"You're the only one I had told this stuff to" he breathed out, making me raise my eyebrows slightly.

"Really?" I asked and he nodded.

"Only my parents know about the second disorder, not even Michael"

"Why?"

"I don't know, I guess I just feel comfortable enough with you to tell you about this" he shrugged as I combed his hair out of his face.

"Why doesn't Michael know?" I asked and he sighed.

"I don't want to put anymore pressure on him, he's been through enough, he doesn't need to know about this as well" he spoke close to my lips. I nodded in understanding.

"Thank you" I whispered.

"For?" he asked, squeezing my hip.

"For telling me, for trusting me to actually open up that much"

"Thank you for letting me do it" he said before pecking my lips a few times. I sighed out in content.

"You know you should tell the coaches the truth, right? It would help them so much to understand your previous actions" I whispered out as we were just holding each other comfortably.

Ashton's hold on me tightened as he sighed out. "I'll lose everything and they will send me home"

I shook my head and leaned back to look at him. "No they won't, why would they do that?"

"Because I'm insane Luke, they will think I'm gonna break down and fucking kill someone" Ashton mumbled.

"No they won't. You'd never do that and they know that. They've watched you for weeks now and they see you as the good person and player you are. If anyone would drop you for your illness they are fucking dicks" I said, making Ashton chuckle softly.

"They will help you get your medication as well, I know you're running out" I said quietly, careful not to push a button.

"I know" Ashton sighed, "I just really don't want to go home. I like it here. I like playing soccer every day and I like having people tell me I'm a good player. I like it here with you" he said and I watched him with big eyes.

I leaned over to kiss him again, smiling into it.

"I'll go with you, and if they decide to do anything that we don't want, I'll fucking act on it. It's only a few weeks left, they can't send you home because if they do I'll make sure they'll fucking regret it" I said, determined that I would keep Ashton here with me.

Ashton cracked a smile and nodded his head before caressing my cheek. "I don't understand how I could ever have hated you" he hummed, locking his eyes with mine, "I'm sorry for everything I've put you through"

"It's okay, I understand," I whispered, "And I'm sorry too"

"Don't be," he whispered and leaned in to kiss the tip of my nose, making me scrunch it up. Ashton chuckled, "You're cute" he said and I bit my lip.

"You too" I answered him and smiled.

And then I kissed him again, and again,  and again, and again, enjoying the way Ashton pulled me closer and closer, until I was so close I could feel his heart beat against my own chest.

~

there's some of the answers you wanted and oh hey some kissing

(i'm not a doctor and i know it's some mistakes within the disorders but that's the point because there's more to the story guys!!)

vote and comment

ily