It's the UGLIEST MAN OF ALL TIME-- he's in his fifties, wearing a crappy mesh cap, but most notably, HE HAS LARGE
BUMPS AND BOILS ALL OVER HIS FACE.

Harry and ron jump back in fear as they catch their first glimpse of him.

"You boys need some help?" He asked as he takes off his mesh cap. Even his haircut is
freaky. He has a skullet (A mullet but with o hair on top).

Harry and Ron look at each other, freaked out.

"S..su..sure." harry stuttered.

The ugly man smiled, his teeth were rotten black and had holes in them.

He tied Ron's car with his truck using a harness and tells them to sit in his truck.

Ugly man is driving. Harry is in the front seat, on the passenger side. Ron is sandwiched between them.

"Thanks for helping us out." Harry said.

"No problem at all. Saw you boys stranded
there and thought to myself, what would
Jesus do?" Ugly man said.

Harry and ron look at each other. They then notice a JESUS CHRIST bobble-head doll on the dashboard...

"So, you boys worship Christ?" He asked them.

The guys look at each other again, not sure how to respond.

"Sure he's great." Harry said truthfully.

"Uh...Yeah." Ron said not sure if he should tell him he's jewish.

"Great. Good to hear it. The name's
Argus filch.

"I'm harry. This is ron. Good to meet
you, Mr.filch." harry said.

"Pleasure's all mine." Argus said.

After a while, Ron starts to notice that they're driving in the middle of a dark woods. It looks very sketchy.

"So where exactly are we going?" He asks argus.

"Don't worry. My place isn't too far from
here. Once we get there, I'll have your
ride fixed up in a jiffy." Argus said.

The guys silently continue driving, until harry notices a rash of boils on argus' neck. "Eww-- check out those boils on his neck!" Harry whispered to Ron.

Ron nudges him to be quiet. Harry looks back over at Argus and sees that one of the boils is pulsating.

"Oh my God! You gotta look! One of them's actually pulsating!" Harry whispered again.

"Will you shut up? He's right next to me!
He can hear you!" Ron whispers back.

Harry sees that a white puss is now oozing from the boil.

"Now there's some sort of puss! It's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen!" Harry whispered.

"What's the matter with you? You think that just because you're whispering, he can't hear what you're saying? He's two feet away from us. He can hear this entire conversation. He can hear me talking right now." Ron whispered to harry.

"Don't worry, he can't hear anything. Not
with all that crust in his ear." Harry whispered.

Ron gives harry a hard elbow to the stomach. He then looks nervously at argus, who doesn't seem to have heard a thing. Ron seems relieved.

"I heard every word you said." Argus said.
He doesn't say anything else the whole way to his house. Harry and Ron don't know how to react. They feel really uncomfortable. The fact that nothing happens makes it all the more awkward for them.

○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○

Ron and Harry stand by their car, as argus brings out some tools and a new tire from his house, which is run-down and in the middle of nowhere.

"Now it's gonna take me a little while here, so if you boys like you can go inside, wash up, fuck my wife, have something to drink, watch tv-- anything you want. Mi casa es su casa. Just don't do anything Jesus wouldn't do." Argus said as he gives Ron a pat on the back and starts changing the tire. Harry and Ron look at each other. Slowly, they
walk towards argus' house.

"Am I deaf or did he just say we can fuck
his wife?" Harry said.

"He couldn't have said that." Ron said in disbelief.

"But he did! It may have been in mid-
sentence, but it was still clear as day." Harry said. They reach the front door and are about to enter...

"Who cares? You've seen that Freak Show. What do you think his wife is gonna look like?" Ron says.

Ron and harry walk inside and see the hottest girl of all time (mrs.norris filch) walk out of the kitchen. She is dressed Daisy
Dukes and a tight, skimpy shirt, that accentuates her chest.

"Hi. I'm argus' wife, norris. Would
you boys like some pink lemonade?

Harry and ron can't move. They're awestruck.

"Let me go bring in a pitcher. Norris said as she leaves to go into the kitchen. Along the way, she turns on a record player, which starts playing a song about JESUS CHRIST.

Harry and ron look around the house.
There are crosses and Bible Verses on the walls, along with Argus and Norris' wedding picture.

"Dude, Norris is fucking hot!" Harry said.

"She's not ugly." Ron said.

Norris comes in with the pitcher of lemonade. She pours them drinks and hands them the glasses.

"Thanks. So, tell me Norris-- how are things between you and Argus presently?" Harry asked.

"Oh, never been better. We love each
other very much." She replied.

Harry looks disappointed. Ron, however, is intrigued.

"Can I ask-- how does a guy...like Argus...end up with a woman like yourself?" Ron asked.

"Well, I met him at choir practice 'bout
four years ago. Argus was very shy back then-- you know, because of all the hideous boils on his face and neck. But he had the most amazing voice -- like a baby canary." She answered.

Ron and harry look at each other in disbelief -- 'are we talking about the same guy?'

"Well, one day after Easter service, I told him how much I enjoyed his solo, and he just mustered up some courage and asked me out. The rest is history. And we've been in love ever since." She continued to say.

Ron ponders this for a moment. He and harry begin drinking their lemonade.

"So you boys gonna fuck me or what?" Norris said.

Harry and Ron spit the lemonade out simultaneously. They look at each other in complete shock. Harry turns to ron.

"Rock, paper, scissors to see who goes
first?" Harry asked ron.

"Wait a second-- what about Argus...and this whole Christian thing you guys have going on?" Ron said.

"Oh, so just because we're passionate
about our Lord, you assume we don't know how to have a good time?" Norris replied a little offended.

"No, I just..." ron begins to say.

Norris starts playing with the knot in her shirt. Harry and ron stare unabashedly. Ron looks outside the window, where he sees Argus changing the tire, apparently busy.

"Okay, rock, paper, scissors..." Ron and harry say swinging their hands.

"Sorry-- if you boys want me, you gotta do
me at the same time." Norris said.

"Huh?" Ron said.

"Come on. Give me the double stuff." She said moaning.

Harry and Ron look at each other confused.

"I'm not sure we quite understand." Harry said.

"I want you both inside me simultaneously." Norris said. Harry and Ron look at each other again, more confused and kind of disturbed. Harry turns to Norris. "Um, are we talking about one hole or two?" He asked.

"However you want to do it." She said leaning towards him and smacking her lips on his, she starts biting Harry's bottom lips which got a yelp out of him.

"Sorry, no thank you." Ron said.

"Shh! Two holes it might not be that bad." Harry said pulling away from norris' face.

"Forget it! I don't want our balls rubbing against each other. No way!" Ron said.

Harry turns to Norris in desperation...
"What about blow jobs?! Can we get blow
jobs!?" He asked her.

"Well...okay." she said.

Harry leaned in to kiss her again but she turned towards ron and said "Can you help me with this...?"

Ron is nervous and doesn't know what he should do. She takes his hand and puts it on the knot in her shirt. Ron looks over to harry, who gives him a reassuring nod. Ron then pulls on the cloth, causing the knot to come loose, thereby releasing her shirt. The shirt is now hanging and just barely covering her breasts.

"Do you want to play with them?" She says purrs.

Ron looks over to Harry, then back at Norris. "Okay, let's do that." He said.

Norris takes Ron's hands and places them on her breasts. Harry looks on enviously. Norris moans in pleasure as Ron starts to massage her chest.

But at that moment, Argus enters the room, holding a particularly threatening tire-iron.

"Hey boys-- I changed your tire..." argus tralied when he sees ron and norris...

"What the hell are you doing with my wife!" Argus bellowed.

Ron was scared shitless,

"Uhh...you said outside that we can have
sex with her!" Ron said.

Argus runs over to Ron and grabs him by the collar and lifts him! "I most certainly did not say that!"

"No. You did. We both heard you." Harry said.

Argus ponders this "are you sure" he asked.
"Positive." Said harry.

"Oh...my mistake then." Argus said and lets ron down. "No problem." Ron said straightening his shirt and putting on his pants.

"Well, since we're all here, why not make
it a foursome?" Argus said as and pulled his pants down.

"Who wants the first reach-around?" He asked harry and ron.

Harry and Ron burst out the front door and run towards their car. They get in and peel out as fast as they can.

"Okay, let's agree never to talk about what just happened." Harry said.

Ron nodded in agreement.

○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○

Harry searches for some clue of where they are. "Dude, I have no idea where we are." Harry said.

All of a sudden, A hitchhiker waves them down up ahead.

"Hey, a hitchhiker. Should we pick him up?" Harry asked.

"And get chopped to bits? Are you crazy?" Ron said.

Harry pulls over to the side of the road.

"Oh, calm down. We're lost. He may know
how to get us back on the highway." Harry said.

"Fuck that! It's my car! We're not
picking up a hitchhiker!" Ron said.

The back door opens and the hitchhiker gets into the car.

"Yo, man, thanks for picking me up." The hitchhiker said.

Harry and Ron look at him and then look at each other. Ron is no longer angry.
Albus Dumbledore (handsome old man, actor, womanizer, big beard) is sitting in their car

THEY ARE IN COMPLETE SHOCK.

"Uh...excuse me, but...are you Albus Dumbledore?" Ron asked albus.

"Yep." Albus said.

"Holy shit, dude! You were my favorite TV star growing up! You were my idol!" Harry said in excitement.

"Hey, that's great. Do you think we could
get going? I'm bored as shit back here." Albus said.

"So, Albus, I have to ask you-- did you ever get it on with Minerva Mcgonagall off the set when you worked with her in fantastic beasts?" Harry asked.

"I humped every piece of ass ever on
that show." Albus replied.

"Even the chick who played the villian?" Harry asked.

"No, I didn't go all the way with her." Albus replied sadly.

"Hey, you don't know how to get back on
the highway, do you?" Ron asked.

"I don't even know where the fuck I am right now. I was at this party earlier tonight, and this dude hooked me up with some killer X. Somehow I ended up getting thrown out of a moving car, and I've been tripping balls ever since." Albus replied seemingly drunk.

Harry and Ron both find this to be quite strange.

"Well, our night's been pretty crazy too. We've been driving around for hours, trying to get to leaky cauldron, but we keep getting sidetracked." Ron told albus.

"Dude, forget leaky cauldron. What we need is some pussy." Albus said.

"Huh?" Harry said.

"It's a fucking sausage fest in here. Let's get us some poon-tang. Then we'll go to leaky cauldron." Albus said.

"You don't understand. We've been craving these burgers all night." Harry said.

"I've been craving burgers too. Fur burgers, that is. Let's pick up some trim at a strip club. Albus said.

Harry and Ron look at each other-- weirded out."

"Hey, there's a gas station! Let's stop
and get directions." Ron said.

Harry quickly makes a turn onto a street
leading up to a gas station in the distance.

Harry and Ron get out of the car. Albus is still in the backseat. The car is still running.

"We'll be right back." Harry told albus.

Albus shakes his head, disappointed.

Harry and Ron start walking over to the convenience store.

"What's the deal with Albus Dumbledore?
Why's he so horny?" Ron asked.

"I don't know. But we can't let him
interfere with our quest." Harry said.

Suddenly, Draco's green Jeep drives right by them. They have to jump out of the way. Draco parks the jeep and exits with
Two of the EXTREME SPORTS PUNKS (vincent crabbe and gregory goyle).

"Late night math league meeting, homos?" Draco said to harry and ron.

"Extreme!" Shouted vincent crabbe and Gregory goyle.

"Oh shit. These idiots." Ron mumbled.

Draco and the Two Punks push past Harry and Ron and walk into the store. Harry and Ron enter after them...

Harry and Ron walk into the store, where they see Draco and the Punks are nonchalantly knocking over random items from the shelves. They then begin playing hackeysack with a pie. The cashier (an old indian man in his sixties) throws out a couple indecipherable protests. "Please...the pies...do not..."

Draco and the Punks ignore him. Harry and Ron then approach the Indian Cashier...
"Excuse me-- can you tell us how to get
onto the highway from here?" Ron asked him.

The indian cashier shrugs his shoulders.

"He probably can't speak English." Harry said to ron.

"Kia aap humein batasakte hain, yahanse se highway kidar se ayega." Harry says in hindi

Which lights up the cashiers eyes. Harry listens as the Cashier tells him the directions in Hindi-- it takes the Cashier a long time to explain it. He mentions numerous streets and routes. It sounds like it's very complicated.

Meanwhile, while they are talking, Ron suddenly sees two more EXTREME SPORTS PUNKS (blaise zabini and theodore nott) enter the store, carrying a kayak and a paddle. They carry the kayak to the back of the store.

Ron has no idea what the hell is going on. Harry and the cashier are too busy talking to notice. Ron watches nervously as Draco pits on a helmet and gets on the kayak.

"Who knew that learning Hindi would
actually pay off? The guy says the
highway's just down the road. We should be in Cherry Hill in ten minutes." Harry said to ron.

Ron is still focused on Draco and the EXTREME PUNKS.

"EXTREME KAYAKING!!!" Draco shouted at the top of his lungs.

Harry, ron, and the cashier immediately turn and look at Draco, who is in the kayak-- which is being held be the EXTREME SPORTS PUNKS. The punks run down the aisle with the kayak and launch it into the air.... draco swings his paddle around in mid-air, knocking over everything on the shelves: bags of chips, glass jars of jelly, bottles of soda etc.

The EXTREME SPORTS PUNKS cheer Draco on, while harry, ron, and the cashier watch in disbelief.

The kayak lands on the floor. Draco gets out and celebrates with his friends.

"That was so fucking extreme, man!" Blaise zabini said.

"Yeah man, on a scale from one to ten--
one being not so extreme, ten being
extremely extreme, I'd give it a nine
point five." Theodore nott said.

Meanwhile, all the Extreme Sports Punks begin going crazy throughout the store, knocking food off the shelves, bothering other customers.

The cashier begins yelling at them in hindi.

Gregory goyle casually looks through a shelf of various kinds of snack chips, discarding them one after an other. Finally, he stumbles upon EXTREME CHEDDAR DORITOS. He goes apeshit over his find.
"Extreme Cheddar!" He shouted.

He tears open the bag and starts pouring them into his mouth, getting the chips all over the place.

The cashier is still yelling. Draco picks up the Cashier... "Extreme Cashier!!!" Draco shouted as he starts to spins the cashier around and around.

"Somebody should do something." Ron said.

"Hey asshole! Why don't you leave the guy
alone and go jerk off to some
snowboarding videos or something." Harry said to draco.

"I didn't mean you should do something." Ron said to harry.

Draco stops in his tracks and drops the Cashier on the floor. He's pissed. It's clear to ron that they may get their asses kicked.

Draco slowly walks over to harry. The two stand face to face. Draco looks pissed, but harry keeps his confident exterior. It's a tense moment.

Suddenly, Draco makes a quick motion as if he was going to hit harry, trying to get him to flinch. Harry stands his ground without flinching, still looking Draco in the eye. The Punks don't know what to think as their leader is shown up.

Seemingly impressed by harry, Draco begins to turn around as if he's going to walk away, but he quickly doubles back, doing the same fake punch he did before. Caught off guard, this time Harry flinches like a nervous weakling.

"Shit" harry said pissed at himself.

Draco and the punks burst out laughing. "Yeah, that's right, bitch! Try fucking
with me one more time. Just try it!"
Draco said as he jumps up and down gloating and pounding on his chest.

"Come on, lets get out of here." Ron said to harry who was embarrassed and had lowered his head.

"Thank you come again" draco said imitating Apu but with a really bad indian accent.

Harry and Ron walk out of the store, deflated.

With their leader victorious, the Punks begin celebrating.

Harry and Ron walk back towards their car..."Harry-- you okay?" Ron asked concerned for his friend.

"Yeah, I just hate those dicks. Fuck it. At least now we know where we're
going. I'm so friggin' hungry..." harry said.

Suddenly, they hear a car engine start. Harry and ron stop walking and look over at their car.

They see albus in the driver's seat, turning the key. They watch as he puts the car into drive, and hits the gas, and takes off, driving through a sign, and getting on the road.

TO BE CONTINUED