Similar to one of my early one shots where Steve goes through five stages of grief after Natasha's death except now it's Natasha mourning Steve and it's even more stages.

1: Shock and Denial

Natasha had complete faith in Steve. For as long as she had known him, he was headstrong, brave, and practically indestructible.

She had watched him in the hospital after taking four bullets, a stab wound, and a serious concussion after fighting Bucky, so she had always thought of him as a survivor.

So when she watched him go down during her mission, she hadn't even been able to move.

The first bullet had hit just above his heart. He had stumbled backwards but recovered quickly it seemed, as he continued fighting.

Them the second one hit in his lower abdomen, making him fall to his knees but still not preventing him from getting back up.

Natasha felt frozen despite the fact that she was sprinting towards him.

And as the third bullet was shot, she felt as though time slowed down almost completely as she screamed his name.

It buried itself in the left side of Steve's chest and he fell backwards, his shield falling to the ground beside him.

Natasha shot the man and fell onto the ground besides Steve.

He wasn't breathing.

She put pressure onto his wounds and called for help before starting CPR.

Steve's face was pale and his eyes were dim and lifeless, making Natasha want to throw up.

Eventually she someone trying to pull her away, "Natasha he's gone."

She fought against their grip and continued her efforts to save him.

"He just needs a medic. Get me a damn medic!" She cried.

Tony landed besides them and shook his head, "We can't save him Natasha. Come on. We've got to get out of here."

Natasha shook her head and continued CPR until she was physically pulled away from his body.

She was dragged onto the quinjet despite her violent protest.

It took off and she couldn't breath.

She sat motionless, staring at the wall with eyes void of emotion.

"Natasha?" Clint asked softly.

Her eyes didn't move from the wall. The image of Steve's death was running through her head like a broken record.

"Natasha, are you okay?" Clint asked again.

Natasha shook her head but still didn't speak.

Her eyes filled with tears and she looked down at the ring on her finger.

They had just gotten engaged...he couldn't really be gone.

He promised never to leave her.

"This is just a dream..." She whispered to herself, squeezing her eyes shut and refusing to believe what she just saw.

Clint and Tony shared concerned glances but decided to wait until they got back to the compound to check on her again.

Looking down at her hands, Natasha began to gently tremble.

They were covered in blood. In Steve's blood.

She stood up and quickly walked to the quinjet bathroom.

Violently, she scrubbed the blood from her hands.

"This is just a dream. It's not real," She whispered over and over again to herself as tears streamed down her cheeks and she watched the water turn red from how much blood there was.

There was a knock at the door and she heard Clint calling her name.

"Natasha! Are you okay?"

She opened the door and collapsed into Clint's arms, shaking her head.

"This is just a nightmare Clint. Tell me that this isn't real. Steve can't be gone. He's going to wake me up anytime now and promise he'll never leave me. He wouldn't do this to me."

Clint held Natasha and shook his head, "Nat he's gone."

At his words, Natasha let out a highly uncharacteristic sob and collapsed to the ground, burrying her head in her knees as she cried for her fiance.

2. Pain and Guilt

The second they reached the compound, Natasha shoved her way off the quinjet and walked inside the building, placing one hand on the wall as her breathing became shallow.

Everything hurt.

Her heart was physically aching, and she could hardly breath.

She squeezed her eyes shut and bit her lip, trying to hold back the tears threatening to spill.

"Natasha we need to get you to a medic." Clint said.

She shook her head and walked away, going towards her and Steve's room.

As soon as she was inside, she collapsed against the door and hugged her knees to her chest, shaking violently as she pictured Steve's lifeless body.

His pale skin, his blood soaked suit, and worst of all his bright blue eyes that had faded to a dull grey.

She tried to stand up, she needed to change. Her suit and skin was stained with blood.

His blood.

But when she tried to move, she found herself in so much pain that she fell down again and began to hyperventilate.

"Natasha please open the door." Clint said, knocking on her door.

She ignored him, she didn't have the strength to talk to anyone right now.

She kept her eyes closed and leaned her head back on the door, letting her tears flow freely.

She stayed like that for hours. Her body slightly shaking as she let out quiet sobs for her lost love.

Natasha had experienced loss before. She had been raised in a place where she was taught to let it go and move on. To shove the pain to the back of her mind and continue on.

But now, having lost Steve, she couldn't even breath.

Her entire body was consumed by pure grief.

When she finally managed to get up, she grabbed one of Steve's shirts and walked to the bathroom.

Turning the water on, she stripped herself of her suit and got in the shower.

The water was so hot that it burned her skin, but she didn't care. Anything was better then the internal aching she felt.

She sank down against the shower wall and let the water rush over her back.

Voices ran through her head, making her feel worse then before.

"You could have saved him Natasha. If you were better, he would still be here."

"Did you really expect this to end any other way? Everyone who gets close to you dies."

"You deserve this. After all the pain you've caused other people, this is what you deserve."

"Love is for children Natasha. This is what happens when you don't grow up fast enough."

Natasha squeezed her eyes shut tighter and shook her head.

"Shut up!" She yelled, leaning her head against the wall and letting her sobs overtake her.

The water turned cold and Natasha eventually got out of the shower, putting Steve's shirt on and crawling into the bed.

She pulled his pillow to her chest and continued to softly weep.

Sleep never came, but she remained in their bed for days. Surviving on nothing but water.

Her stomach was growling and although she didn't even want to move, she knew Steve would want her to keep taking care of herself.

So slowly, she walked to the door and made her way downstairs.

3. Anger and Bargaining

When Natasha walked into the kitchen, her teammates all turned their heads in shock.

She ignored them as she walked to the fridge, she wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone.

Inevitably, one of them would ask if she was okay. Which she clearly wasn't.

She didn't know that she ever would be again.

She was slowly making herself a peanut butter sandwich when she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"Natasha? How are you?" Bruce asked.

Natasha shrugged his hand off her shoulder and she frowned, "How do you think?"

Bruce frowned, "Is there anything we can do?"

"Not unless you can bring back Steve." She said, slamming the fridge door and finding herself overwhelmingly angry.

Clint stood up, "Natasha we're just trying to help."

Natasha turned to face Clint, "You can't help me Clint. Nobody can. I just lost the man I loved. I watched him drop dead at my feet and you wanna know how I am?"

Everyone fell silent as Natasha's voice rose, "I can't sleep, I don't want to eat, and I miss him so fucking much that it feels like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. So no, there's nothing you can do to help."

Clint frowned and tried to place a hand on her shoulder. She slapped it away and glared at him, "Don't fucking touch me."

Clint stepped back, frowning as she shook her head and walked back up to her room, slamming the kitchen door on her way out.

"Give her time, she's just hurting," Tony said softly to his team.

Meanwhile Natasha had gone to the training room.

She neglected to wrap her hands and instead began punching at one of the sand bags mercilessly.

Her knuckles were bruised and bloody but she didn't stop.

Not until the punching bag broke and sand went all over the floor.

"Fuck!" She yelled slamming her fist on the broken bag and shutting her eyes as tears built up in them once again.

Natasha moved onto the next punching bag and continued her assault on it despite her blurred vision.

She wasn't sure how long she was there for, but eventually Tony walked into the room.

He looked at the several broken punching bags and then back to Natasha, who was completely ignoring his presence.

Tony quickly walked over to her and tried to stop her, "Natasha stop, your hurting yourself. Please calm down."

She pushed him away and continued punching.

Tony sighed and grabbed her hands, "Stop. Natasha just stop. This isn't going to help you feel better."

Natasha finally stood still, her eyes welling with tears, "Then what will Tony? I can't live like this."

Tony frowned and he walked Natasha over to where they kept the first aid kit, helping her bandage her hands, "It's gets better Natasha. I know right now nothing feels worth it, but you'll be okay."

Natasha shook her head, her eyes locked on the floor, "I miss him so much and it's only been a few days."

Tony nodded, "I know. We all do."

"I would do anything to get him back. I wish it was me instead. It should've been me. The only reason we were on that damn mission is because I wanted to shut the Red Room down."

Tony shook his head, "We all wanted it shut down. And you know Steve would be scolding you for talking like that. If it was you, then I'd be here telling him the same thing."

Natasha bit her lip, her eyes red and glossy, "But he would be alive."

Tony sighed, "I'm sorry Natasha. Really I am. He was my friend too. We all miss him. The best thing we can do is try and live like he would want us to."

Natasha shook her head, "I don't think I can."

Tony sighed and hugged Natasha carefully. He wasn't sure how to comfort her. For as long as he knew her, she had never been so broken.

"It'll be alright," He said, hoping that it was true.

4. Depression

Natasha hadn't left her room in nearly a week. She hardly ate, she didn't sleep, and she barely had the energy to move.

For the past few hours, she had been sitting silently in their bed, wearing Steve's hoodie and clutching his pillow to her chest.

All she could do was reminisce about her memories with Steve. She remembered his smile, his touch, the way his hand felt in hers...but then she would blink and the fond memories turned to terrible ones.

The warmth of his hand that she remembered so fondly would be replaced by the way his cold skin felt against her hands as she tried to keep him alive.

She would forget the color of his eyes for a moment and would only be able to think about how dull they had been after his death.

Every happy memory turned to a nightmare in a flash because that's what her life was like now...a nightmare.

Her mind drifted to that day Steve proposed and her eyes welled up with tears.

He had been so nervous. She had caught onto what was going on early in their date but didn't mention it to him, wanting him to ask her himself.

"Thank you for tonight Steve," She had said, leaning her head on his shoulder as they walked back to the compound.

Steve had smiled over at her, "It's not over yet."

She raised an eyebrow and he took her hand, leading her to the docks nearby the compound.

He smiled at her sheepishly and nodded towards the lake, "I figured we could watch the sunset together."

Natasha smiled and sat down on the dock, her hand still intertwined with his.

"It's a nice view," She said, resting her head on his shoulder.

"I've got a better one right here," He teased, looking down at her with a smile.

Natasha rolled her eyes and sighed, completely content.

Steve began to fidget with his coat and Natasha contained her smirk, hoping she knew exactly what he was looking for.

She raised an eyebrow at him, "Looking for something?"

Steve blushed and pulled a box out of his pocket, "Actually yes."

Natasha smiled as Steve opened the ring box to reveal a small diamond ring, "Nat, I know I'm supposed to be really great at giving speeches, but right now I have no idea what to say. All I know, is that I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you...so Natasha Romanoff, will you marry me?"

Natasha nodded, her smile growing as Steve slipped the ring onto her finger, "Yes."

Steve laughed and kissed her passionately, his hands cupping her cheeks delicately.

"I love you." He whispered, smiling more then she had ever seen him.

Natasha pecked his lips again, "I love you too."

Looking down at the ring now, Natasha felt only pain and loss.

They were supposed to have a future together.

They were going to get married, settle down somewhere, maybe even get a pet.

It wasn't supposed to end with him dead and her heartbroken.

But it did, and she wasn't sure how to go on.

Natasha had never been so afraid...she was afraid she would lose the memories she treasured most.

That she would forget his voice, the softness of his lips, what it felt like to kiss him.

And it hurt more then she could've ever imagined to realize she would never get to make new memories with him.

She walked slowly to his desk and pulled out his sketch book.

She always loved watching him draw. Often, he would ask to draw her and she would watch as he delicately sketched her features in a way no one else would.

Flipping through the pages, she saw just how often he drew her.

Her eyes teared up and she bit her lip. The way he saw her was unlike anyone she had ever met.

He didn't see the monster, the assassin and terrifying Black Widow. He saw Natasha Romanoff. The Avenger who wanted nothing but happiness for the people she loved.

And now that he was gone, she wasn't sure anyone would see her like that again.

Setting his sketch book down, she picked up a picture from when the Avengers had gone ice skating.

She smiled a little remembering how terrible Steve had been at it.

She had really been the only one able to skate.

Clint ran ungracefully on the ice, looking like a baby deer, Tony had gone slowly, practically on his hand and knees, Thor had stayed off the ice taking pictures, Bruce had clung to the wall the entire time, and Steve had tried to skate with Natasha, holding her hand tightly and falling very often.

That had happened only a few days before his death.

It was hard for her to understand how someone who had been so full of life days ago, was now lying dead with four bullets in his chest.

The thought made the slight smile on her lips disappear and she set the photo down, retreating to the bed once again.

She closed her eyes and let her tears overtake her. Wondering if she would ever recover from Steve's death.

Right now...she doubted it.

5. The Upward Turn

Months passed and little by little, Natasha managed to force herself to do the necessary things to survive.

She had fallen into a small routine to ease her suffering.

Since she still didn't sleep, she would work out at five AM, hoping to avoid her teammates worried glances.

After working out, she would train for several hours until lunch.

She ate alone on the terrace every day. She still didn't want to talk to anyone about how she was doing.

Then she would go on another run through the city.

Her first stop was always a flower stand where she would buy a small bouquet of roses.

Then she would run to Steve's grave and replace the day old roses with new ones, putting the ones from the day before on a grave without any.

Then she would run to the restaurant where her and Steve had their first date, order a meal to go and bring it back to the compound for dinner.

After dinner she would go back to her room. Feeling drained and tired but unable to fall asleep in fear of terrible nightmares.

She would stay up all night looking through pictures of her and Steve, flipping through his sketchbook, or hacking into the security feed and watching old moments the two shared.

She wasn't moving on...not in the slightest. But slowly, she began to feel a little less pain inside.

Instead the pain was replaced by longing, which was still hard to bear but not nearly as bad as the sharp stabbing pain she had had in her heart for months.

Now it was just a dull throbbing, almost in sync with her heartbeat. An ache that would never go away.

But for now, she was finding a way to live with it.

6. Reconstruction

Slowly, Natasha's routine helped her rebuild her life.

It wasn't easy, and she still missed Steve more then words could say, but she was at least able to smile now.

She could laugh at a joke and on the rare occasion, she would even make one.

The team was glad to see her healing.

They knew that the Natasha they had known with Steve was gone forever.

It was highly unlikely that she would ever return to how she was around him, that was a side of herself that only Steve could bring out.

But at least now, they had their teammate back.

She still had trouble sleeping. But some nights, instead of terrible nightmares involving his death, she would have a more pleasant dreams.

Natasha would start dreaming of the hundreds of good memories rather then the one terrible one that haunted her.

So although she wasn't getting much sleep, she was at least getting some. Which was a huge help to her physical health and appearance.

She continued her routine of jogging through the city to visit Steve's grave. It gave her something to look forward too even when she was having a rough morning.

Natasha stopped being as strict with the rest of her schedule though. She stopped the early morning workouts that she didn't need and spent mornings with her team.

During the day, she would spend time with Morgan, who often brightened her day in a way that only a child could.

On weekends, she sometimes drive down to Clint's farm and saw his family.

She was slowly getting to the point where she could live her life without breaking down every few minutes over her lost love.

The worst part of her day, however, was when she went back to her room at night.

The others had assumed she was fine. They thought she had accepted Steve's death.

Unfortunately, she hadn't.

Every night she would slip into their bed and pull his pillow to her chest, letting whatever emotions she had bottled up during the day flow out without restriction.

When she looked into the mirror every morning, she hardly recognized herself.

Her face was thinner, her eyes had lost the fire she once had burning inside them, and her skin looked unusually pale.

She hated it. She wanted to be better. She wanted him to come back and build her up again.

If he had been there, she knew he would have made her feel better in an instant.

But he wasn't. And although she was recovering, it still hurt like hell to know he was gone forever.

7. Acceptance and Hope

Years passed.

Natasha's pain remained, still present and still weighing down on her shoulders everywhere she went.

She still went to bed every night wishing that Steve would magically appear besides her, stroking her hair and whispering reassuring words in her ear.

But five years passed and he was still gone.

So she came to accept it.

She moved out of the compound. It was too painful for her to live surrounded by his things.

So she bought an apartment in the city, one that her and Steve had actually looked at when considering moving.

It reminded her of him in a way that wasn't painful. It made her feel like she wasn't betraying him, because she knew that he liked the apartment too.

She moved in and quickly found herself being more lonely then normal. So she adopted a dog.

It was a small Australian Shepherd with bright blue eyes that made her think of Steve fondly.

Natasha named him Grant and he became a close companion of her.

In a way, he made her feel closer to Steve. With his big, loving eyes and the way he seemed to always know when Natasha needed him at her side.

She found a little bit of happiness in him.

Months later, Natasha decided to do something worth while.

She started an orphanage, buying a building near her apartment and recruiting the help of her former teammates to fix it up.

They named the orphanage after Steve and Natasha dedicated most of her time to it.

Taking in almost twenty children, she made sure that they were all well fed and taken care of.

She knew every child's name, birthday, and what they liked to do.

Of course, she hired people to help her run it but there wasn't many times where she wasn't around to talk with the children and tell them stories of her past missions with the avengers.

"Can you tell me about Captain America?" One of the youngest girls had asked one night as Natasha tucked her in.

Natasha gave her a soft smile, "Sure. You know, we were best friends."

The little girls eyes widened, "Really?"

Natasha nodded and showed her the ring she still wore on her finger, "He gave me this."

"Does that mean you were going to get married?"

Natasha nodded, "Yeah, we were."

The girl, whose name was Mckenna,  frowned, "What happened?"

Natasha sighed, "He was killed on a mission."

Grant, who was sitting at the edge of the bed, nudged Natasha's leg, as if knowing it was a hard subject.

Mckenna frowned, "Did you love him?"

Natasha nodded, "More then anything."

She frowned, "Do you miss him like I miss my mom and dad?"

Natasha sighed, "Yeah, I miss him a lot."

Mckenna seemed to realize that Natasha was struggling to talk about it so she changed the topic, "What was he like?"

Natasha smiled and went on to tell her about Steve. About his kindness and bravery, how easy he was to make blush, and about his habits that stemmed from him being a 90 year old man.

For the first time in a while, she was able to talk about Steve without feeling miserable.

For the first time since his death, she knew that she would be okay.

Bonus reunion because I know you all hate me right now...

Natasha lived to be 87, in her old age, she had still worked to help people despite her growing desire to be reunited with Steve.

Her death came in the middle of the night and she welcomed it like an old friend.

For three first time since Steve's death, she saw a potential for happiness that she desperately wanted.

She found herself standing in a field, looking like herself from 50 years ago.

Natasha looked around the field and searched for Steve, hoping he was there with her.

Behind her, she heard the voice she had longed for for a long time.

"About time you got here." Steve teased.

Natasha whipped around, her eyes filling with tears the second they connected with his.

"Steve?" She whispered.

He smiled and embraced her quickly, taking her into his arms and not wanting to let go.

"I missed you so much," She sobbed, her hands running over his face as if to reassure herself it was really him.

"I miss you too Nat. I watched you every moment, wishing that I could be with you. I love you so much," He told her, cupping her face in his hands.

Natasha smiled, "I love you too. I love you so much Steve."

He kissed her and she melted into the feeling she had longed for since his untimely passing.

Her grief had been long and painful, and she missed him every moment of her life, but at least in death, she could spend eternity by his side.

Hey guys. I know you all hate me, but at least I gave you a somewhat happy ending😂

Also, somebody requested for me to do a chapter with Natasha mourning Steve so that's what this is.

If you enjoyed, or didn't enjoy, please vote and comment. Even if it's just to tell me how much you hate me for doing this.