After Steve goes back to live with Peggy at the end of endgame, he is still mourning Natasha. Peggy and Howard try to figure out what is wrong with him. Requested by 2006_ananya.

Steve thought he was making the right decision. He thought that maybe by reuniting with his lost first love, the pain of losing Natasha would dim.

But to his disappointment, it only seemed to make him miss her more.

Living in a world where Natasha had never even existed made everything harder.

He wanted to be able to talk to someone about his loss, to be able to visit her gravesite, to not have to hide his mourning.

Steve did his best to hide it from Peggy and his other old friends.

He would be staring off into the distance with tears in his eyes when Peggy would notice.

Blinking away his feelings, he had to pretend everything was okay.

And each time he did so it killed him. It killed him to feel like mourning Natasha was wrong. Because it wasn't.

She deserved more then anyone he knew and after sacrificing herself for the sake of millions of other people, he felt wrong for wishing she hadn't done so.

During dinner with Peggy one night, Steve had a hard time hiding his despair.

"Steve are you alright? You seem out of sorts." Peggy asked, leaning forward and furrowing her eyebrows.

Steve looked up from his plate and blinked away unshed tears, hoping she didn't notice them. "Yeah, just tired. That's all." He lied.

Peggy could sense he didn't want to talk anymore, so she stood up and grabbed their plates before setting them by the sink.

Steve followed behind her and offered to finish cleaning himself. Telling her he would be upstairs in a minute.

Really he just needed a moment alone.

"Thank you." Peggy said, walking upstairs.

Steve wordlessly started scrubbing at the dishes.

Why hadn't he gone back to a time where he could be with Natasha? He felt selfish for thinking that way but he just didn't love Peggy that way anymore.

He loved her like an old friend. Not like he once had.

Even now looking back he could see that he had never loved Peggy as much as he loved Natasha.

Steve really did believe that Natasha was his other half, and without her he felt completely alone and broken.

Barely thinking about the dishes, Steve ended up scrubbing so hard he shattered one of the plates, cutting his hand.

"Shit." He mumbled, attempting to pick up the prices of glass.

Peggy rushed down the stairs and came to his side. "Steve you're bleeding." She pointed out.

Steve shook his head. "I'm fine. It hardly hurts. I just need some fresh air." He mumbled, walking outside into the moonlit street.

After Steve had left. Peggy called Howard with concern. He was the only one who knew Steve like she did.

"Howard. It's Peggy. Steve's acting strange and I'm worried. He hasn't said anything to you, has he?" She asked.

Steve had only been back for two weeks but she had noticed he wasn't the same man she knew.

"I thought I was the only one who thought so. Perhaps the crash rattled him. " Howard suggested.

Peggy nodded, considering the thought.

In order to keep things simple, Steve had lied and said he survived the crash but preferred to stay out of the media for now.

"Maybe that's it. Would you be willing to come over and help me talk to him?" She asked.

Howard agreed and headed over to Peggy and Steve's current living space.

Meanwhile, Steve had walked nearly a mile.

When Natasha was on his mind, it didn't feel like anything else mattered.

Eating became tedious, water was hard to swallow, and sleeping seemed pointless. He would just have nightmares about her anyways.

His physical and mental health had decreased rapidly since her death and had he not been a super soldier he would have probably been in the hospital by now.

Everywhere Steve looked he saw Natasha. In the forest he saw the leaves and grass as the color of her brilliant eyes. In the moon, he could almost see her pale skin.

Even now, looking down at his bloodied hand, all he could think of was her vibrant red hair.

He wished more then anything to run his fingers through it one last time.

Sometimes he wondered if she had loved him, but thinking about it only brought back more regret.

Wanting nothing more then to forget about his pain, Steve walked back to his apartment.

Sitting on the couch, Peggy and Howard were waiting for him.

"Steve, come here." Peggy said softly.

Steve sighed. "What's this? An intervention?"

"A what?" Howard asked.

Steve shook his head. "Nothing."

Peggy placed her hand on Steve's knee and he had to focus on not shifting away from her touch.

"We are both worried about you Steve. You've had nightmares every night, you zone out all the time, and you don't act yourself. Is it because of the crash?" Peggy asked.

Steve shook his head with a sigh. "I'm fine Peggy." He lied.

"Then why are you being so distant. Before the crash you were a different person. So tell me what changed!" She pleaded.

Howard nodded and Steve stood up, running his hand through his hair. "You wouldn't understand!"

"Then help me!" Peggy said, standing up as well.

Steve stopped holding back. All the things he had kept inside came barrelling out with no restraint. "I didn't survive the crash. I got frozen in a block of ice for almost 80 years and woke up." He began, explaining how he ended up back there.

"I can here because I lost someone I loved. Peggy I thought I could move on from her with you like she helped me move on from you but I was wrong. I'm sorry." He confessed, tearing up.

"It's okay Steve. I understand. Can you go back?" She asked quietly, taking it better then Steve imagined.

Steve nodded. "Yes. But what's the point?"

"The point is that people there understand how you feel. They can help in ways we can't." Howard said.

Peggy nodded. "There's nothing here for you anymore."

Steve looked outside and sighed. "Will you be upset Peggy?"

She shrugged. "A bit. But I'll move on. It will help me to know you are where you need to be."

Steve sighed, hugging her and his old friend. "Thank you guys. I'm gonna go now. I've been gone long enough." He sighed.

With that, Steve went back to the present.

After reuniting with his friends, he walked towards the city...towards Natasha's memorial.

Heyy guys. Here's a slightly rushed update just because I'm tired but wanted to update.

Today was my birthday so im in a good mood and wanted to write something. Hopefully you guys enjoyed.

Might do a short sort of part 2 where Steve visits said memorial. Comment below if you want me to.

Comment and vote if you enjoyed!