“Are you saying that . . .” I trailed off, weighing his expression. “We should be living in one place and be . . . a family?”

“Yeah,” he answered breathily, looking at me intentently.

I narrowed my eyes on him. “No.”

His face contorted with disappointment and . . . pain.

“Why can’t we?” he asked lowly.

Ang nanghihina niyang boses at nasasaktang mga mata ay parang sumusuntok sa puso ko. My heart says give him another chance since I still love him, but my mind says other wise and want to be wiser today.

“I think you already know the answer,”

Ngayon naman ay nananantiya na ang kaniyang mga tingin sa akin. Nag-iwas ako ng tingin sa kaniya. Hindi ko kayang tagalan ang mga titig niyang mapanuri. Pakiramdam ko, kapag nakipagtitigan ako sa kaniya ay malalaman niya kung ano ang nasa isipan ko. At ayaw kong malaman niya ‘yon.

Halos takasan ako ng kaluluwa nang maramdaman ko ang paglapat ng labi niya sa leeg ko. Ilang saglit lang ay ipininahinga niya ang kaniyang ulo sa pagitan ng aking leeg at balikat. He sighed heavily making me shiver.

“I’m sorry if you’re still doubting my love for you. But I promise, I’ve changed. I want to be with you now until I die. I want to be a good man — a deserving man for you, and a good father for our daughter. I want to give her a complete and happy family. That’s I want.” he said emotionally.

Mariin akong napapikit at hindi na alam ang sasabihin sa kaniya. Naumid ang dila ko at hindi na nakapagsalita para sagutin ang sinabi niya sa akin. I stayed silent as he breathe in the hollow of my neck. I felt how sincere he is. But I’m still doubting, not wanting to fell in his trap and be hurt at the end. Kasi hindi na lang ako ang masasaktan ngayon, kasama na ang anak ko.

“I still don’t know how to . . . give you a chance for a relationship, Callum.” nanghihina kong sambit habang nakapikit nang mariin.

Naramdaman ko ang pagtango niya sa aking balikat.

“I understand. Hindi kita pipilitin. Pero hindi rin ako titigil. I’ll still pursue you.”

Natapos ang usapan naming iyon na mabigat ang dibdib ko dahil sa sakit at pagkabigo sa mga mata niya nang umalis siya. Halos hindi ako nakatulog. Hindi ko alam kung anong oras ako nakatulog no’ng gabing ‘yon dahil sa kakaisip sa kaniya at sa mga sinabi niya.

Alam kong paulit-ulit na lang naming napag-uusapan ang tungkol doon, pero paulit-ulit lang din ang mga isinasagot ko; na hindi ko pa alam kung paano siya bibigyan ng pagkakataon kung nagdududa pa rin ako at takot pa ring sumugal.

Kinabukasan ay naroon ulit siya, tila walang nangyaring usapan sa pagitan namin kagabi. Nakangiti siya sa anak namin. Before, he seldom smiling. He was smiling every time he was with me before, but I can’t see happiness in it before. Now, his smiles and eyes, were glistening with happiness and unreadable emotion.

“We’ll ride more and more rides for you,” he said to our daughter.

Our daughter . . .

I smiled when Hestia giggled as her father talk more about what they would do in that amusement park this weekend. Pakiramdam ko ay hindi na makapaghihintay ang anak namin dahil sa mga ikinukwento ng ama nito sa kaniya.

Nagpaalam kami ni Callum sa anak na papasok na trabaho. She’s smiling at us while innocently looking at his father’s hand on my waist. It felt awkward, though. Pero wala namang pakialam ang ama niya kahit nakatingin siya sa amin.

“Behave here, okay? You can call me any time. I will answer if I am not busy. If I am, you can call your daddy instead.” I kissed her forehead as she nodded at my words.

“Allight,” she answered.

“Bye, I love you.” I utter while smiling at her.

“Love you,”

Gano’n din ang ginawa ni Callum hanggang sa makaalis na kami. Hindi ko napa-gas-an ang aking sasakyan at medyo malayo pa ang gas station dito kaya naman nag-offer si Callum na ihatid ako ngayon at sunduin din mamaya. Kahit na may van naman na pwede at may driver si Lola na nagtatrabaho pa rin sa akin ay pumayag na lang ako sa gustong mangyari ni Callum. Since he’s always insisting.

I stayed silent as he drives. Wala rin naman akong dapat sabihin sa kaniya. After what we talked last night, I feel like he’s mad at me. Well, he has the right to be mad at me. I sometimes gives him mixed signals.

Nang tumigil ang kaniyang sasakyan sa tapat ng building, hindi agad ako kumilos para bumaba ng sasakyan niya. Bahagya akong natigil doon at hindi alam ang sasabihin o gagawin. Napatingin siya sa akin dahil sa pagkakatigil ko.

“What’s the matter?” he asked in monotone.

Hindi ako nagsalita. Nanatili lang ako roon. Dahil nakaharang ang sasakyan sa daan ay pinausad niya ‘yon patungong basement. Gano’n pa rin ang ginawa ko; nanatili roon at hindi nagsalita. Hindi pa naman tumatawag ang sekretarya ko. At panigurado namang wala rin akong masyadong gagawin ngayong umaga.

So, here I am, leisurely taking my time.

“Are you not . . . going to be late?” he asked slowly.

Hindi ako nagsalita, gano’n din siya. Katahimikan ang bumalot sa aming dalawa sa loob ng sasakyan niya habang nag-iisip ako.

Last night, I was thinking about this. About him being a father to my daughter, taking his responsibility to her. I was thinking about his words. His affectionate and meaningful words towards me. His love for me. I don’t know how deep his love is for me but I always can see sincereness in his eyes. I always just shove it away and not make it a big deal anymore. Because I’ve already learned. I know now how to handle everything. I’ve learned because they made me to do it so. I needed the pain they gave me to be strong enough and have a better version of me right now.

I love him, yes. Until now. But the risk I will take is not hundred percent good result in my mind.

I sighed heavily before finally uttering what's on my mind.

“Are you really sure you’re gonna take full responsibility for Hestia?” I asked that made him looked confused.

“Yeah, I am.” he answered hoarsely.

“Are you sure . . . you’re courting me because . . . you love me?” I asked in monotone, doubting him.

He swallowed hard. “Yes, I am madly in love with you. Do you think I will pursue you just because I want your forgiveness? No.”

Kinuha niya ang kamay ko at mahigpit iyong hinawakan. And like a defensive person, he explained.

“I want your love more than your forgiveness. I mean, after you forgive me, I want you to love me like how I love you.” I look deep in his sorrowful eyes. I can’t take his intense stare that I look away immediately. “As what I said, I am not pursuing you just because we have a daughter. Before I knew we have Hestia, I’m already courting you. And now, I want to take the responsibilities I have for Hestia and want you back at the same time.” he said each sentence with so much emotions in it.

Napapikit ako nang bigla niyang haplusin ang aking pisngi sa sobrang marahan na paraan. I felt like a feather touch me even if his hand is not that soft.

“I want you to trust me again, so I will earn it by doing these things for you. Not just for Hestia. I want you . . . to love me again. To accept me again. And I know why you don’t want to be with me yet, because I ruined your trust before. I understand where you’re coming from. But I won’t give up. Until you give in to me, I will pursue you.” He kissed my forehead softly.

I heave a sigh and look at him deeply.

“Are you willing to leave . . . your condo for us?” I asked carefully. Wanting him to choose wisely.

“Yes,” he answered without hesitation.

“Do you want to live with us?” Now, I saw a glint of excitement in his eyes mixed with confusion.

“Fuck. Yes. I want to be with you at all times.” he said breathily.

“You won’t . . . back out? Having a . . . family is a big responsibility, Callum. I can raise Hestia without you, as you can see, for the past years I’ve been alone raising our daughter.” sa natatakot na boses ay sambit ko. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko ito maipaparating nang hindi nanginginig ang boses.

“I know. I know that this is a big responsibility. But I will gladly take all of it. I saw how you grown so much when you came back. I can see that . . . you raised our daughter well. And I want to be with you this time. Hindi na kita hahayaang mag-isa habang pinapalaki siya at hinaharap ang buhay pamilya. I won’t leave this time. I won’t do such thing to hurt you this time. I will never do that mistake again. Just please . . . give me another chance to prove these to you. That I can be your man and Hestia’s father for life.” mataman niyang sambit habang nakatingin sa aking mga mata.

Hestia’s growing up. Kahit na sabihin kong hindi siya nang-uusisa dahil bata pa siya, alam kong nagtataka siya kung bakit hindi namin kasama sa bahay ang daddy niya. And I know it will hurt me someday if she asks things like that to me and saw pain every time she looks at those have complete family. I can’t take that.

And a part of me wants to give Callum a chance . . . because I can’t deny the fact that I’m falling into his doings now — his courting. That I know to myself that I’m still into him despite what happened years ago. That he just made me a collateral damage to get revenge.

We can move on.

I was just hurt because he lied to me. He fooled me. I was hurt because of what I found out. That my foster parents did horrible to his family. I want to leave him alone, somewhat, because I know whenever he look at me he remembers my foster parents who killed his parents. But I still want to stay . . . I want to erase those bad memories he had. I want to replace it with happiness. I want him to look at me without thinking of those bad memories. That he’ll look at me and won’t see the woman that has been with those person who made him what he is after that tragedy.

Tumango ako na ikinalito niya. I swallowed the lump on my throat as I look at him intently.

“I’m giving you the second chance now,” I should know if he deserves it now. “One mistake, and you’ll never see us again.” Nanlaki ang mga mata niya pero nagpatuloy ako. “You can . . . live with us. Ayaw ko sa condo mo. Hindi naman gano'n kalayo ang mansyon sa trabaho mo at trabaho ko. Kailangan ko ng mga titingin kay Hestia habang nasa trabaho ako kaya hindi kami ang lilipat, ikaw. Live with us while you’re pursuing me . . . and doing your responsibility to Hestia.” I swallowed hard.

Hindi ko rin alam kung ano ba ang tinutukoy ko sa second chance na sinasabi ko. My mind is still in haywire. I can’t think properly. More so whenever he’s around me.

“Walang problema sa akin kung ako ang lilipat, as long as it is you I’m with, I’m fine with anything. We’ll take this relationship slow.” he said carefully.

“I . . . can’t promise anything yet. Hindi ko maipapangakong hindi magiging masungit sa ‘yo. Hindi ko maipapangako ang assurance na gusto mo sa lalong madaling panahon—”

“I said I’m fine with anything you can give, baby. Kahit wala pang assurance na mamahalin mo na ulit ako, this second chance you gave me is enough. That you’re giving me the privilege to be with you at all times now. Maghihintay ako. Kung hanggang kailan mo ako . . . pakakasalan.” I narrowed my eyes on him.

“Anong pakakasalan? Akala ko ba, we’ll take this slow? Bakit napupunta ka na sa kasal? Huh?” natawa siya sa sinabi ko.

“I’m sorry, I just got excited.” Inirapan ko siya at nagkaroon na ng lakas para lumabas ng kaniyang sasakyan.

Kahit ako ay naguguluhan sa sitwasyon namin ngayon. I gave him the second chance he wants. Are we . . . already in girlfriend and boyfriend stage? I didn’t have any relationship back then, he was my first in everything. That’s why I’m confused what we are now after giving him the second chance.

Or maybe . . . I’m right, he’s my boyfriend now.

Boyfriend. It seems like we’re still a teenager, confused of what we really are after the courtship. But still feels good.

Napapitlag ako nang bigla kong maramdaman ang kamay ni Callum na hinawakan ang kamay ko. He intertwined it as we get inside the elevator.

“Get off my hand,” I said in authority.

I don’t know but his hand electrified mine. Para bang kaunting dampi lang ng kamay niya sa kamay ko, o ng balat niya sa balat ko ay para na akong nakukuryente. Hindi ko mawari kung ano ang nararamdaman ko.

He looked at me, frowning. “We’re in a relationship now so I already have the right and privilege to hold your hands, kiss you, hug you, and . . .” he trailed off then crouch to whisper in my ear. “. . . make love to you.”

Agad akong nag-iwas sa kaniya dahil doon. Kinilabutan ako. I swear my cheeks is now like a tomato!

“But of course, I won’t force you to make love to me. I want you to ask that to me. Just tell me, and I will gladly ravish you until dawn, baby.” He then, kissed my ear that sent shiver down my spine.