Nanatili nga roon si Callum, ayon sa kagustuhan niya. Wala naman din akong nagawa dahil ayaw rin siyang paalisin ni Hestia. Halos hindi na nga maalis ni Hestia ang tingin sa kaniyang ama. Naglalaro sila pero ang mga mata ni Hestia ay nasa ama lang niya.

Hindi ko naman mapaalis doon si Callum dahil baka magwala si Hestia. Napahinga na lang ako ng malalim habang pinagmamasdan sila mula sa pang-isahang upuan.

I don’t know yet if I felt relieved, but I’m kind of bothered. That Callum might be always here whenever he wanted. I don’t want my daughter to hope too much from her father. Though, Callum is still in a verge of shock that suddenly, he became a father of a three year old girl. In just a snap, he suddenly have a big responsibility to this little girl. I sighed heavily.

Pumunta ako sa kusina para gawan sila ng meryenda. Alam kong hindi aalis si Callum dito ngayong araw. At alam kong kahit hindi niya isatinig, alam kong may plano siya. After making orange juice and get a cookies, I went out of the kitchen. Ang mga kasambahay ay nakamasid lang, hindi nagsasalita o nang-iintriga man lang. Indeed, they’re well disciplined like what my grandmother said.

“M-Magmeryenda muna kayo,” sambit ko bago inilapag ang tray na may meryenda.

“My,” I look at my daughter whose still looking at her father even if she’s talking to me.

“Yes, baby?” I asked in a soft voice.

Callum look at me with gentleness as I softly said that to my daughter.

“Daddy . . . looks like me.” Then she turned to me.

I bit my lower lip, not wanting to agree with her.

“I just got youl lip, mommy.” she innocently added. “And the shape of youl face.”

Callum chuckled and pinched Hestia’s nose lightly, “silly, you still look like your momma, baby. You see, whenever you look innocent, curious, sweet, and whenever you smile . . . you look like your momma.” Then, he caressed her soft cheek.

Hestia giggled and look at me. Then she went out of the couch to hug me. I hugged her back and kissed her hair.

“I love you, baby.” I whispered.

She get back to her father and excitedly talk to him. I can see how her eyes glistened with so much happiness, it pinched my heart. She’s just three but intelligent, the moment she learned things back in America, she never mentioned her father or asked where her father is. She never pressure me to make her father meet her. She never asked for more but a care from me. But I never expected to be this happy for her at this moment . . . with her father. She never asked for a complete family.

I never opened any topic about her father to her but I know she’s longing for him. And now, I realized . . . she wanted it but never asked me for that, she kept quiet and observed everything.

Hindi ko namalayang namamalisbis na pala ang luha sa aking mga mata habang nakatulala sa kawalan. Hanggang sa maramdaman ko na lang ang medyo magaspang pero malamyos na kamay na humawak sa aking pisngi.

I look at Callum who’s wiping my tears away gently. His eyes held seriousness, gentleness, and worry and a mixed of unknown emotion. I bit my lower lip and look down to my hand, where my daughter is holding it gently.

“Why awe you cwying, Mommy?” Hestia asked innocently.

Pilit akong ngumiti sa kaniya, “I . . . I’m just happy, baby.” I kissed her forehead.

“’Coz Daddy’s with us now?” Hindi ako sumagot, nginitian ko lamang siya habang pinagmamasdan ang maamo niyang mukha. Bakas sa mata niya ang pag-iyak kanina but she kept on smiling.

“Don’t cry,” Callum whispered gently at me. I look at him with indifference in my eyes.

Alam kong alam niya na hindi pa kami ayos. Na hindi maaayos ang lahat ng ito dahil narito siya. The wound and pain he inflicted to me is still here. It scarred me. And I can’t be fine with just a sorry and explanation.

“I’m sorry . . .” and here he is, apologizing again. Fuck him.

“Don’t say sorry if you don’t meant it.” mariin kong bulong sa kaniya, ayaw ipahalata sa anak ko na hindi kami maayos.

“I meant it. I’ve changed. I’m deeply sorry for what I did.” he said seriously and huskily.

Our whispers were making our daughter curious.

“If you are, then leave us alone. My daughter don’t need you.” I saw how pain crossed his eyes but I didn’t stopped. “You’re just making your excuse to get to me again. I won’t fall for your stupid antics again, Callum. I will not be a fool, never again.”

Bumaba ang tingin niya sa anak na nakatingin lamang sa amin. I deeply look at him as he look down to Hestia, admiring her.

“I will never leave . . . I will never do that.” Then he look at me with so much intensity in his eyes. His soulful eyes held mine. I can’t help but be captivated by it. “I want to be . . . part of your journey.” he said in a low baritone voice.

I cleared my throat and look away. Para akong nahihipnotismo sa mga mata niya. Sa titig niya. Alam kong mahuhulog lang ako kapag tinagalan ko ang pagtitig sa kaniya.

He spent the whole day in our house. At halos ayaw na siyang paalisin ng anak ko. Nagpapakarga pa na akala mo ay isang taong gulang pa lamang siya. Mabuti na lang at hindi siya ganiyan sa akin, na nagpapakarga pa kahit kaya naman niya.

Nag-uutos ako sa mga kasambahay tungkol sa kung ano ang lulutuin nang makarinig ako ng yabag mula sa likuran ko. Nang lumingon ako ay agad kong nakita si Callum na papalapit sa akin. He’s looking at me intently, brows furrowed, and lips in a grim line. Tuluyan ko siyang hinarap at nagtaas ng kilay sa kaniya.

“Bakit ka narito? Sana sinamahan mo muna si Hestia,”

“Did you invite someone?” Kumunot ang noo ko sa bungad niya.

“I didn’t. Hindi nga kita inimbitahan dito, e.” sarkastikong sagot ko.

“Is that so? Why is your best friend here?” Nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa sinabi niya.

“Oh? Why is he here?”

Nilampasan ko siya kasabay ng pagbuntong hininga niya. Nang nilingon ko siya ay kita ko ang pagod sa mga mata niya. Hindi ko na pinansin ‘yon at umalis sa kusina.

Naabutan ko si Dustin na nakaupo sa sofa, kausap ang anak ko. Lumapit ako roon.

“Dustin,” I called him softly.

Nag-angat siya ng tingin sa akin at ngumiti. Tumayo siya at sinalubong ako pero nabitin sa ere ang pag-amba niya ng yakap at tumagos sa likod ko ang tingin niya. I know who’s he looking at.

“Why are you here?” I asked and put a smile on my face to not sound rude at my first question.

Bumalik ang tingin niya sa akin. “I went to your office and . . . your secretary said you didn’t go to work. I got worried.”

“Daddy!” Hestia ran towards his father.

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin lalo pa nang makita ang naguguluhan at nagtatanong na ekspresyon ni Dustin. Huminga ako ng malalim bago siya sinagot.

“Uh, yes. Hestia had a tantrums this morning, kaya hindi ako pumasok kanina sa opisina.” I smiled.

“And . . . why is he here?” Dustin asked, pertaining to Callum at my back.

Sasagot na sana ako nang bigla akong mapatalon dahil sa paghawak ni Callum sa beywang ko. He rested his hand on my waist as he step in. Hinawakan ko ‘yon at pilit na inaalis sa aking beywang pero mariin ang kaniyang pagkakahawak.

“May problema ba kung narito ako?” tanong ni Callum habang karga ang anak.

“Alam na niya?” Hindi ako nagsalita.

“Ikaw? Bakit ka narito? You don’t even have a business here,” agad kong siniko si Callum sa tono niya. “What?” bulong niya.

“I was just worried, Hailey, because you’re also not answering my calls.” sagot ni Dustin habang nakatingin sa akin.

“Dito ka na lang kumain ng hapunan, Dustin. Marami naman akong pinaluto.” bawi ko sa awkward atmosphere.

“Why?” I heard Callum asked in disbelief.

I look at him flatly, “this is my house. Whoever I invite in dinner, is not your business.” I said with finality.

“Daddy, tiwed.” Humikab si Hestia habang nakasuksok na ang mukha sa leeg ni Callum.

“Hestia, you’re still not changing yet. And you still need to shower.” saad ko nang makita ang pagpikit ng anak.

Callum caressed her cheek softly.

Tumikhim si Dustin, “hindi na ako mang-aabala pa, Hailey.” I look at him and saw how pain and awkwardness glimmered in his eyes.

I felt a pang on my chest for him. He’s been my best friend for years, and I know how much he sees me more than being a friend. And seeing him hurt . . . also hurts me. Even though I already told him I can’t like him more than friends, I know he’s still hoping for me to give him a chance. But I just can’t.

“Uhm . . . hinihintay din naman ako nina Mommy sa bahay nila. I just dropped by to check on you and Hestia. And since . . . you two are okay . . . I’ll go ahead.” he flashed a faint smile.

Tumingin ako kay Callum na nakamasid lang din sa amin. Tulog na sa kaniyang bisig si Hestia.

“Ihatid mo muna si Hestia sa kuwarto niya. Ihahatid ko lang sa labas si Dustin,”

Hindi ko na hinintay ang sagot niya, basta ay sinundan ko na si Dustin palabas ng mansyon. I saw how Dustin hurriedly stepped down on the stair and went to his car.

“Dustin . . .” napatigil siya at tumingin sa akin.

Ngumiti siya at yumuko.

“I’m sorry,” ‘yon lang ang namutawi sa aking bibig.

“It’s fine. You already cleared things up to me. Ako lang itong . . . umasa na magbabago ang isip mo.” Nag-angat siya ng tingin sa akin at ngumiti ng maliit.

I hate how he can still smile in front of me even if he’s hurting.

“You’re still part of my life.” I said matter of fact.

“I know. I really just want to be your man . . . not just as your best friend. Tanggap kita. Tanggap ko ang nakaraan mo kay Callum. Tanggap ko na may anak ka na. Tanggap ko ‘yon lahat. Pero . . . ayaw ko namang pilitin ka kung ayaw mo sa akin. I still love you. You’re still the only woman I truly love. But I can’t be a masochist. And since . . . your daughter already met his father . . . I should . . . keep my distance now. It’s for me, to move on. To find someone who can love me back.” Tumulo ang luha ko sa sinabi niya.

Ang sakit. Mas masakit pa ito kaysa noong sinabi ko sa kaniya noon na kaibigan lang ang tingin ko sa kaniya. Ngayon na nagpaparaya siya at gustong dumistansya ay hindi ko agad matanggap.

Bakit ba kasi kung sino ‘yong handa akong mahalin, ‘yon pa ang hindi ko mabigyan ng atensyon? At ‘yong taong binabalewala ako, siya pa ‘yong gustong-gusto ko.

“Don’t worry, we’re still best friends. Lalayo lang ako ng kaunti, para makalimot. Take care, Hailey.”

Parang may bukol sa lalamunan ko na humaharang doon upang hindi ako makapagsalita nang maayos. Hindi aki nakasagot hanggang sa makaalis na siya sa harapan ko at pinaharurot ang kaniyang sasakyan paalis doon.

I let myself cry for him. I let myself pity my heart for being dumb. How could I hurt him for so many times? Tinanggap at sinuportahan niya ako pero ako . . . hindi ko maibalik ‘yon sa kaniya. Ni hindi ko man lang sinubukan.

“Get inside, it’s cold here.” ang baritonong boses na ‘yon ang pumukaw sa isipan ko.

And this man . . . na siyang nanakit at nanloko sa akin noon ng maraming beses, siya pa ang hindi ko magawang kalimutan. Kahit paulit-ulit ko mang sabihin sa sarili ko na hindi ko na siya mahal . . . my eyes and heart can’t lie for me. My feelings didn’t fade away that easily. He’s still the man I love from the very beginning. But I won’t make it easy for him now. Though, he’s here now for my daughter, I’m still not sure if he’s sincere of what he is showing to us. His affection.

“Hey,” hinawakan niya ang aking siko at pumunta sa harapan ko. Pinagmasdan niya ako nang matiim. Ako naman ay nagtiim labi ay nag-iwas ng tingin.

Maya-maya ay umangat ang kamay niya sa aking pisngi at agad nakumpirma na umiiyak ako. Bumuntong-hininga siya bago hinaplos ‘yon upang tanggalin ang luha roon. Napayuko ako kasabay ng paghawak niya sa aking baba upang iangat ‘yon. Nagtama ang tingin namin.

“You’re broken . . . because of him.” it’s not a question, it is a statement. “Why? Do you have . . . feelings for him? Did he reject you?”

It’s the other way around, moron.

Hindi ako sumagot sa mga tanong niya. I stayed silent and just look at him with seriousness. Nang mapagtanto niyang hindi ako magsasalita ay sumuko siya. Umigting ang panga niya bago ibinaba ang kamay para hawakan ang kamay ko at bahagya akong hatakin sa loob.

“Hestia did not sleep yet. Ang sabi niya ay kakain siya ng hapunan kasama tayo.” Tumango lamang ako at nag-iwas ng tingin dahil sa emosyong ipinakikita niya sa akin.

Bumalik kami sa loob ng tahimik. Tapos nang maligo at magbihis si Hestia kasama ang babysitter niya at nakaabang ngayon sa couch. She stood up when she saw us nearing.

“Mommy, Dada?” she asked, pertaining to Dustin.

“He already left, baby. He have something to do.” Tumango siya at nagpabuhat kay Callum na agad namang binuhat ng huli.

“Si Dustin?” he asked slowly.

“Yes, Dada ang tawag niya kay Dustin.”

Natapos ang gabing ‘yon na tahimik lamang ako. Nang makatulog si Hestia ay saka na nagpasyang umuwi si Callum. Kita ko sa mukha niya na ayaw pa niyang umuwi at gusto pang manatili rito, pero nang makita niya ang seryosong mukha ko ay wala na siyang nagawa kung ‘di ang umalis.

“I’ll come back again tomorrow,” sambit niya na parang wala na akong magagawa kung ‘di ang pumayag sa gusto niyang mangyari.

Hindi ako sumagot hanggang sa pumasok siya sa sasakyan niya at umalis na roon. Bumalik ako sa loob at pagod na pumasok sa aking kuwarto. Naligo at nagbihis lang ako ng pantulog at humiga na sa kama.

Nakatulala lamang ako sa kisame habang nag-iisip. Ang daming nangyari ngayong araw. Mga pangyayaring hindi ko inaasahan at hindi ko ginustong mangyari. But when my daughter’s smiles flashed on my mind, I felt a bit happiness. But still not entirely happy. Dahil wala pa namang kasiguraduhan kung mananatili nga si Callum sa tabi ng anak ko. Kahit para kay Hestia na lang. Sasaya na rin ako roon.

Thinking about how he despise my family . . . I don’t think he can live with me without thinking how my foster parents tortured and killed his parents just for the sake of money and company. I just hope . . . he’s really changed.

I still love him. Pero hindi ko hahayaang malaman niya ‘yon hangga’t wala pa akong kasiguraduhan sa lahat. Ang iisipin ko muna ay ang kapakanan at kasiyahan ng anak ko. Saka na ang kasiyahan ko. Siya muna.