THEODORE

There is something about games that erases the loneliness within me.

I grew up in a big family. Four big brothers and me, the laziest boy they ever had. I have a simple view in life. I get contented in every little thing that comes my way. I don't think there's a need to get busy and busy, when there are far easier and comfortable careers to pick.

Or maybe... I was just privilege to feel it.

My family aren't publicly known but they strive hard to be. They create connections as much as they can, store secrets as long as its needed and sell those information for influence and higher power. In the high dynasties of Salvallons and Villamors, my family also wanted a taste of that glory and fame.

Kaya naman malaki ang expectations ng magulang ko sa bawat anak niya. Terrence should be a lawyer, Travis must be a doctor, Thomas has to be a good and powerful business man! Then there's Theodore who...

"Talaga bang hihiga ka na lang diyan buong maghapon? Your brother is trying to make connections out there and you're going to play... stupid games?!"

I watched as Papa slap the controller out of my hand. Gumawa ng ingay ang pagtapon nito sa sahig bago nawasak sa may dingding. His disappointed look burned through me and I avoided it, opting to stare at the monitor where my character was being murdered.

"Nalaman ko pang nagskip ka sa isang klase mo! Kaklase mo pa sana doon ang panganay ng Salvallon! Dapat nakipag-usap ka sa kaniya, hindi na natutulog-tulog ka lang diyan!"

He only approaches me on times like this. He's only aware of his fifth son whenever it has something to do with the damned family's reputation. Most of the time, he doesn't even care I existed.

I've been skipping classes for a week. Maganda kasi ang shade doon sa may likod ng hardin kaya gusto kong matulog do'n. Nakakapasa naman ako sa mga exam at may okay na grado kahit hindi laging pumapasok kaya walang problema. Pero nagkaroon lang ng pakialam ang ama ko nang malamang kaklase ko ang Weston na 'yon.

Psh. Ni hindi nga laging nakikita 'yon kasi ang aga-aga umuwi. Mukhang okay naman siyang kaibigan pero napapagod ako 'pag nakikita ko si Dierran. Ako na 'yong gustong magpahinga sa dami ng ginagawa niya.

"Theo..."

Huminto ako sa pagbabasa nang marinig ang boses ni Kuya Travis. He's the second child who has to appeal to the Salvallon family. He looks exhausted and I know he badly wants to sleep if not for Papa's weekly family dinner which will be posted in sites after in order to boost our image.

"Papa needs you down there. The photographers are coming in a while."

"Kuya, marami pa po akong pictures," humikab ako at uminat sa kama. "Pinadelete din po ni Papa social accounts ko kaya 'di ako pwede magpalit profile picture."

He gave a long sigh. "Come on now, Theo. It's not the right time for you to behave like this. Kailangan ka doon."

Wala akong nagawa kung hindi sumunod. Pinanood kong pumasok ang mga bisita ni Papa sa 'family dinner' dapat namin. We sat in one table like a big happy family, my parents dutifully checking on their sons with the cameras flashing. I quietly stopped chewing, letting my utensils fight with each other.

I grew up in a big family. Since I was a child, I'm always surrounded by people. But I still feel so lonely.

Kahit na may ngiti sa mukha ng mga kapatid at magulang ko, alam kong hindi kami talagang masaya sa mesang 'to. Alam kong hindi talaga kami kompleto.

My heart feels so empty everytime I go in and out of this shell of a house. Wala nang ikakalaglag ang puso ko kapag nadi-disappoint ako sa pamilya ko. I just... spend my time sleeping or playing the numbness away. It takes my mind off things. It makes me feel at peace.

But such peace doesn't last for long.

"Theodore, wala ka na ba talagang awa sa'min? Sa mga kapatid mo? We're doing our best to become one of the best families and yet you're here, always lounging and spending our money on stupid things?!"

Itinapon ni Papa ang dyaryo na may litrato naming lima. My image there was currently being highlighted with a large bright 'X' all over my face. Napangiwi ako dahil ang pangit ng pag-edit, tapos ang pangit ba ng ginawa nilang font sa headline. It reported how I brought the newest game despite our family's declared disapproval on it. Hindi daw ako seryosong bata. I mean... hindi naman talaga.

"Iyong mga kapatid mo may nararating sa buhay, Theodore, tapos ikaw ano?" dagdag na sigaw niya. Mama remained quiet behind him, fixing me a glare, while my brothers avoided my eyes. "Wala ka nang ibang ginawa kung hindi maglaro! Matulog! Kumain! Wala ka nang ginagawang mabuti dito sa pamilya natin! Hindi ka na nga tumutulong sa business natin, halos maiiisip pa sa kamay ang pag-attend mo ng klase!"

"I have 95s and above sa grade, Papa..."

"That's fucking average!" he exploded. "You should take the highest honors! You shouod compete against that Wes and Kairo in your school! Even the daughter of the Sorianos, that Eunice Yra, is rumored to be the class valedictorian! Tapos ikaw? Ano? Hanggang sa 97 lang?!"

97 lang? Ano ba ang gusto niyang grade? Plus 10 niyan?

"What do you want me to do, Papa? If I try to say I want to help Kuya Thomas, ayaw mo kasi idi-distract ko lang siya. Kasi tamad ako at baka malugi 'yang kompanya niyo. Mama told me to focus on my studies so I didㅡ"

"Ha! Focus on your studies, e hindi nga perfect ang attendance mo?!"

"Pasado naman, Papa, kaya walang problemaㅡ"

One of the things that I didn't see coming was his fist on my face. Nahulog ako sa sahig na hawak-hawak ang mukha at nanlalaki ang mata. My chest heaved as I took deep breaths, and altogether ignored how surprise and guilt never arrived on my family's faces.

"Pasado?! Putanginang 'yan, walang makukuha ang pasado mo kung hindi ka makikilala sa eskwelahang 'yan, Theodore! You need to lift the name of our family, the Hildes, up! You are not doing enoughㅡ"

"Enough?!" tumayo ako at humalakhak. "Papa, wala namang enough sa'yo! Walang good enough sa'yo! Kahit na gumapang ako papunta sa mansyon ng Salvallon ngayon, hindi ka sasaya! I'm sorry, Mama, Papa, but I love myself enough to care for it. Ano gusto niyo? Maging kagaya ako ni Kuya Terrence na dinadaan sa alcohol ang problema? Maging kagaya ni Kuya Travis na halos wala ng tulog? Mga successful na magulang ang laging tawag sa inyo tapos kayo pa mismo ang pumapatay sa anak niyoㅡ"

The slap that I received from my mother was the most painful. My head remained on the side for a while as I listened to her talk, "How dare you, Theo! Pagkatapos ng ginawa namin sa'yo, ito ang isusukli mo?!"

I scoffed a chuckle, licking my lips and briefly closing my eyes at the trobbing pain on my cheeks. Nang ibalik ko ang atensiyon sa ina ay tiningnan ko siya ng diretso sa mata.

"Mama. Anong sinasabi mo? Kailan ka ba naging nanay sa'kin?"

My anger just... exploded too. And I hate it when it always do that. Kasi naipapalabas lahat ng hinanakit na kinimkim ko sa mga nagdaang taon ㅡ mula noong bata pa lang na pinapanood ang pag-asikaso ng magulang ko sa mga ga-graduate kong kuya hanggang sa pagiging dismayado nila sa kahit anong gawin ko.

Papa was too ambitious. Mama just cares about Papa's feelings and desires. My brothers continues to be puppets who can't defend anyone despite their careers. And I can't even have a break because they had me on strict monitor.

So ginawa ko kung anong madalas na naiisip ng mga kabataang kaedad ko.

I ran away from home.

I had enough money to rent an apartment, and I know two things about getting a job. Isang buwan ang lumipas na walang kibo mula sa pamilya ko. No worried calls or concerned texts, not even a single news about me. It's like I just left their life and it didn't matter because... I never did matter.

When I exploded from anger again, I was tied to the walls of the in-game city.

"Sapphire, we're only supposed to guide and observe the players. You shouldn't mess with them like this." galit kong saad sa kaniya.

I couldn't believe it. All this while... she was working for someone else? I knew I should have been suspicious when she was overly interested at Finn. Dahil walang kung sino ang madaling makakakuha sa atensiyon niya.

Sapphire was... eccentric. Her mind works in a different way than some of us. Sometimes I think she might be a sociopath because she likes to weigh and compare the reactions of people in accordance to the terror they felt. Kaya sa organisasyon na sinalihan ko na gumagawa ng laro, siya lagi ang gumagawa ng storyline para sa horror at psychological thriller games.

The organization... was quite a big help for me. I discovered it after I helped the President of Big Box Games on a miscalculation on their program. I have always been fascinated in technologies. Siguro kaya rin ako sadyang na-inlove sa mga laro-laro na 'yan. So whenever I was free back then, I taught myself the beauty of codes and programming.

Despite my lack of diploma, he employed me. Tinuruan niya ako kung paano mag-engineer ng isang laro. He also introduced me to the organization that helps the gamers, kung saan nakilala ko si Sapphire at... Craig, another eccentric man who seems obsessed at a certain green-eyed girl. The two of us weren't very close, although my friendly relationship with Sapphire improved during the game...

It also broke apart now.

"You are hurting her."

Inikot niya ang mata. "That's the point, Theodore. I need to hurt her."

"There are better ways for you to help Marcella win against her. Let them fight against each other and cheat your way to her win!"

Even if Finn would be badly hurt now, at least it would be physically at... hindi naman talaga siya mapapahamak sa totoong buhay.

"I can't just intervene in their fight, it needs to look and be natural-"

"Isn't your way of breaking her the same-"

"-At isa pa, if she's not mentally and emotionally distracted, her chances of victory is even bigger! We need to attack her at all aspects."

"Anong we? I am not part of your little plan."

"But now that you know it, aren't you also a little bit involved already?" nakangising wika niya.

I gritted my teeth to stop myself from responding. Suminghal ako't umiwas ng tingin dahil alam kong walang patutunguhan ang usapan naming ito ni Sapphire. She takes her goals and motives seriously na hindi niya pinapansin ang mararamdaman ng ibang tao sa ginagawa niya. Ang importante sa kaniya ay makita ang resulta ng gawa. Siguro isa na ding nagpapakalma sa kaniya ngayon ay ang katotohanan na wala naman talagang masamang mangyayari. Alam namin 'yon, pero ang mga manlalarong 'to?

Hindi.

All they know is that every city determines whether they live or die. All they know is that this is where their dreams and journeys might end.

Sinubukan ko ang makawala sa higpit ng pagkakatali ni Sapphire nang umalis siya. Nakatulong pa sa alibi niya ang pagiging tamad ko. Nobody ever questioned how I could sleep in the middle of this distress. I feel hurt.

Bumuntong-hininga ako at inisip ang sitwasyon. The President only told us to observe the players and maybe meddle with their gameplay a bit, but not really enough to make them lose their minds. Craig wants Marcella to win against Sparrow, the threat against Marcella's peace in the world he brought her in. With Sapphire, the girl who loves to play with people, they can break Sparrow down until she's no longer fit enough for Marcella to fight, showing her downfall in the eyes of a thousand audience.

Ang pagkakamali lang nila? Kahit anong pagbasag kay Finn, bumabalik pa rin ang babae at lumalaban.

I guess that was one of the reason why I was so attracted to her. She was everything I wasn't despite our shared loneliness. She stands up and fights, her brown eyes glazing with defiance as she faces her monsters with both fear and anger. Natutumba siya at nasasaktan pero tumatayo ulit para lumaban.

It was almost like... the more she falls, the more her will to fight and live increases.

And then, her words.

"Not didn't, couldn't." she corrected after I apologized to her when the game ended. "Couldn't tell me the truth of the game. But it's okay. Because you did your best too..."

Natigilan ako. Did my best?

"Helped me in every way you could. Sacrificed an eye. Sacrificed your life." Finn took my hand, her skin warm against mine, and smiled. "Thank you, Theo. Always."

Finn rarely speaks, despite her beautiful voice that makes a person stunned. It was soft and small, but there were tough edges in her tone. And when she speaks, it's short and cut-off, as if she's reserving only the most important parts to say. Kaya mas lalong may impact ang sinasabi niya... at mas lalo akong humahanga.

"Always." ulit ko, tulala sa ganda niya. "I'm always here too..." to sacrifice for you.

Nang bitawan niya ako ay lumapit siya't nakangiting kinausap si Wes. I watched them interact, knowing from that time in the Beast's castle what my role in their story would be.

I still remember it clearly. The sun rays that filtered through the library's window, touching against Finn's soft cheeks. The way her loosely-curled hair swayed along the wind that brough the leaves in. How the light pink hue in her cheeks accentuated her beauty, and how her voice serenaded the sleepiness out of me.

"Beauty and the beast~"

Maybe I was the luckiest to hear her sing, but that moment also slapped the truth to me. I watched as she met my eyes for a moment before it stayed and widen at the figure behind me. I was stunned both at her words and the fact that I was a mere audience in the story of theirs.

It was impossible not to fall.

But I was slapped with a heartache so early on.

Pero kahit na gano'n... hindi naman siguro masamang magkacrush sa kaniya 'di ba? I won't do anything. I won't take advantage. I just want to help her... hold her... stay beside her...

And now, I have to watch her get the most deserved ending.

The wind chime rang when Finn came in. The white dress looked absolutely gorgeous in her. She was wearing wedges and from the car I saw outside, she just came here after hanging out with Weston. Maraming napapasulyap sa gawi niya, either because of her beauty or her popularity in RWO.

"Theo." bati niya at umupo sa harap ko. "Sorry 'm late."

"Okay lang." ngumiti ako. "Do you want to order something?"

Umiling siya. "Kakatapos lang kumain."

If she was late and she just finished eating, she must have come straight from the Salvallon's mansion. Ang alam ko kasi ay parang mas inlove pa ang mama ni Weston at laging pinapa-stay doon si Finn.

From the corner of my eye, I saw Weston get out of the car. He leaned on the hood, glancing at us first before taking out his phone. May pupuntahan pa siguro sila at hinihintay si Finn.

"This will be quick, Finn." I assured the girl who gave a confused nod. I slightly pushed the envelope towards her. "Nandito 'yong inaalok na game sa'yo ni President. You'll work with three more game artists and designers to create this open-world MMORPG. I'll be the head of this team so huwag kang mag-alala. Hindi na din naka-assign sa mga ganitong genre ng game si Sapphire kaya hindi mo siya makikita."

Tumango-tango siya at tiningnan ang mga papeles. Nandoon ang mga naunang proposed na game designs, as well as storyline na napag-usapan namin ng President last time. When she was finished checking the documents, binigyan niya ako ng isang ngiti.

"Ang ganda, Theo. Ang galing talaga lagi ng mga gawa mo. Thank you."

The pure genuineness of her made me bite my smile back. Inaayos na niya ang mga gamit at sa tingin ko'y naghahanda nang umalis, pero sandali ko muna siyang pinigilan.

"I have..." kinapkap ko ang bulsa para sa box. "...a gift for you, Finn."

"Gift?" she asked with a tilt of her head.

Ngumiti ako. "Yes. Can you hold out your hand?"

Sinunod niya nga ang sinabi ko. I stared at the jewelry in her ring finger to fully conclude some of the still-alive feelings in my chest, before wrapping the bracelet on her wrist. The dark violet beads dangled, making a good contrast against her fair skin.

"My pre-wedding gift ba ang tawag dito?" medyo natatawang sabi ko.

Her smile never faded as she touched the bracelet, watching it with fond eyes. "Ganda, Theo. Thank you so much."

Nakangiti akong nagpaalam sa kaniya. Finn headed straight to Wes, showing the gift I've given her with a beaming face. The boy examined it before glancing at me and giving a nod. Pinanood kong umalis ang sasakyan nila habang pinapakalma ang puso.

Maybe... Maybe I also just wanted to have one piece of me together with her too as she starts her own life.

And maybe, it was also a closure to my feelings. As I locked that bracelet, I've also let the love in my heart go. She will always be the Finley that I treasure, the Finley that I adore, and the Finley that I loved. She was the only person who has ever said the words I wanted to hear... that I was enough, that I did my best.

I won't ever forget the Finley that I had in the Beast's Castle.

But it was time to let go and move forward.

Huminga ako ng malalim at tumayo na. Mag-iisang hakbang pa lang sana ako nang may humatak sa'kin pabalik at umupo sa tabi ko. I glanced up at the woman who was trying to hide her face from whatever, my emotional heart being replaced by a pissed mood.

"Miss? Ano bang problema moㅡ"

"Shh! Please, huwag ka maingay." hinatak niya ang kamay na nakahawak sa'kin para matago ang itsura niya. "Makisakay ka na lang."

"Ano ba kasi angㅡ"

"Omg, babe!" peke siyang tumawa at mas lumapit pa sa'kin. "You're so funny talaga! Here let me kiss you nga!"

Nanlaki ang mata ko nang bigla kong naramdaman ang paglapat ng labi niya sa labi ko. She even had the audacity to close her eyes na parang ninanamnam ang halik namin! While I'm here, dying at my first kiss being stolen!

"Makisakay ka na lang please." she whispered against my lips.

"Wala ata dito, p're."

"Puta! Saan na ba 'yon nagpunta?!"

"Uh, sir? May oorderin po ba kayo? Kasi kung wala, umalis na po kayo at nakakagulo kayo sa ibang customersㅡ"

"Boss, hindi ba siya 'yon?!"

I froze when the three large guys pointed at our direction. Naramdaman ko ang pagnginig ng labi ng babae. I don't know what came up to me because I grabbed the back of her neck, pulling her closer towards me and deepening our kiss. Sinulyapan ko ulit ang mga lalaki na mukhang hindi na pinansin ang naglalaplapang magkasintahang itinuro niya.

Nang makalabas sila ay saka ko lang siya binitawan at tiningnan ng masama. "Ano bang ginawa mo do'n sa kanila?"

"Ang bastos kasi kaya sinipa ko 'yong isang kasama nila sa groin." she rolled her eyes, fixing her loosely-curled hair. "Deserved."

"Kung sisipa ka ulit, sana huwag ka nang mandamay."

Kinuha mo pa first kiss ko!

My phone vibrated so I took it out, reading the message that the President sent. Imi-meet ko pala ang kasama kong head para sa game development team ngayon.

Sinulyapan ko ang babaeng nakatitig na ngayon sa salamin niya't hinahawak-hawakan ang labi. Minsan napapakagat siya't ngumuguso. Hindi ko alam kung may nagawa ba akong masama kanina. I'm pretty sure I didn't bite her lip.

"Hey," tawag ko kasi ang sama naman kung aalis lang ako na walang paalam. "Mauna na ako. I hope you don't kiss just about anyone again-"

"Saan ka pa ba pupunta?"

I frowned. Kailangan ba niyang malaman?

She set the mirror down and looked at me, bored. "I mean, you're Theodore Hilde, right? Hindi ba sinabi ng President ng BBG na ako ang makaka-meeting mo ngayon?"

"What."

"Hi, Theodore." the corner of her mouth lifted up in a sly smirk. "I'm Anne Silvestre. At ako nga pala ang partner mo sa buong development ng game na ito."

Just like how fast my anger could change things, and how my falling in love could result to breaking, my moving forward arrived so quick.

I didn't know the only thing that I need to get over the loneliness was this sly girl who would never get tired of pissing me off.