OLIVER

I always treasure the most important people in my life. At ang pinakamahalaga sa'kin ay ang aking pinsan.

Siya ang unang taong nakakaalam ng mga problema ko sa buhay.

"Insaannn!" naiiyak kong tinawag ang pangalan niya.

Kakadating ko lang sa bahay galing sa isang football practice. Caspian was in the living room, reading a book, when he glanced up at my whiny voice. Itinabi niya muna ang pinakamamahal niyang libro para pakinggan ang drama ko sa araw na 'yon.

"Insan, nakakainis! Tinulak ako no'ng isang lalaki kanina! Sabi ko lang naman na ang pangit no'ng mukha niya nang mangudngod sa lupa kanina!"

He looked at me as if I was the dumbest person in the planet and I was almost offended. "Tapos?"

"Naglalaro kami tapos tinulak niya ako! Ano ba problema niya?! Sinabi ko lang naman sa kaniya ang totoo!"

"Didn't you think that your words may be offensive?"

"Insan, kasalanan ko ba na truth hurts?"

"You both have faults. Which means, it wouldn't happen if you kept that opinion to yourself."

I complain about everything to him. Sa mga maliliit na away sa school, sa pagbaba ng grades ko dahil 'di ako pumasok ng isang linggo, at sa mga babaeng binabalik ang banat ko. My cousin is the first person I always look for.

He's my idol. A person I admire and love since I was a mere child.

Nang una ko siyang makilala, namangha na ako sa pagkacool ni Caspian. I remember how much I followed him as a kid, watching and imitating his every move. It's either he's reading or practicing the guitar. Kapag may mga tao naman, tahimik lang siya lagi sa gilid pero kung magsalita ay may laman.

I guess that's why I got attracted to her. She was exactly like my cousin. They both find comfort in silence, and when they speak, it's short but deep with meaning. Not to mention... her voice sounds soft, almost like a sweet song serenading my ears.

And she has this really, really beautiful smile.

Our family is packed with men so I'm not very good in interacting with girls. But I love how they're both soft and tough. Na parang gusto mong alagaan pero alam mong kayang-kaya din nilang tumayo sa sarili nila. Na kaya nila nang wala ang isang lalaki. I guess the way they're independently strong behind such grace is what makes them so attractive.

I always try my best to compliment themㅡtell them how pretty they look and how I admire them. I like their cute reactions whenever I praise them. The way their cheeks flush in pink or when they avoid my gaze. But when they return the conversation to me... nakakakaba! I don't know how to prolong the conversation without cheesy banters and flirty compliments. Siguro iyan din ang dahilan kung bakit hanggang sa 'flirting stage' lang ako sa mga babae.

"Flirt with Diana, bro." Dierran said, slumping beside me. Itinuro niya ang babaeng maganda na nasa may dulo ng field. "She can be a good challenge for you."

Yeah... A challenge. I've been trying to get past this fear of talking longer with girls by flirting with even more of them. Pina-practice ko kung hanggang saan ako tatagal.

"Pero 'diba parang ang intense niya? Hindi ba't fling 'yan ni Kairo?"

Dierran chuckled. "No one lasts with Kairo for more than a week, bro. That guy gets so bored easily with girls."

Napabuntong-hininga ako. Kairo sometimes looks so unapproachable pero mas marami pa siyang babae kaysa kay Dierran na five-stars sa people skills. I guess it's due to his teasing nature and looks.

I licked my lips, staring at Diana who was walking towards the benches. Isa siya sa mga pinakamagandang babae dito sa school. Her model height always makes her a contestant for beauty contests and her beauty even reaches the other schools. Tumayo ako para lapitan siya, at narinig ko pa ang pagsipol ni Dierran para i-encourage ako, nang makita ang taong plano niyang puntahan.

Caspian set down his book when Diana stopped in front of him. His brows furrowed as the girl talked. Halata pa sa kinatatayuan ko ang kaba ng babae habang nakikipag-usap kay insan. When she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and gave my cousin a shy smile, I stopped altogether.

Doon naman lumipat sa'kin ang mata ng pinsan ko at umiling siya sa kung ano mang sinabi ng babae.

That night, I visited his room with a smirk. Nakaupo siya sa gilid ng kama at nilalaro ang gitara nang pumasok ako.

"What? Maglalaro tayo?" handa na niyang itabi ang gitara nang pigilan ko.

"Insan!" malaki ang ngiti ko nang sumalampa sa kama niya. "Kayo na no'ng babae? Si Diana?"

His eyes were heavy as it searched my face, before he slowly shook his head. "No. Why?"

"Eh!" sinamaan ko siya ng tingin. "Bakit naman?! Maganda naman siya, ah. Matalino din 'yon. Ang alam ko mula kay Dierran, baka nga daw isali nila 'yon sa Math Quiz this coming event..."

He hummed, strumming on the guitar as he slowly lost interest in my words. Hinampas ko ang braso ng pinsan kaya sinamaan niya ako ng tingin. "What?"

"Bakit nga?!"

"You like her."

Natigilan ako kaya pagkurap lang ang naisagot ko sa kaniya. He cocked a brow, going back to strumming his guitar as if he made a point.

I scoffed loudly before falling into a pit of laughter. Alam kong hinihintay lang niyang matapos ako sa pagtawa dahil nakatitig lang siya sa'kin.

"Tinuro lang siya ni Dierran, insan! Tapos plano ko lang na kausapin siya! 'Yon lang 'yon 'no. Hindi ko naman siya gustong-gusto."

Although... well, yes. I did have a crush on her for a bit of time. Nawala nang maging sila ni Kairo pero nabuhayan ako nang maging single siya ulit. Pero kung si insan naman ang gusto niya... wala namang problema sa'kin.

My cousin is the most important person in my life. And I would do everything for his happiness.

He normally doesn't like anyone. Mapababae man o lalaki, he has a very bland perspective of people. Isa lang ang babaeng malapit niyang maging kasintahan at highschool pa kami no'n. Hindi din nagtagal ang pag-uusap nila dahil study first daw ang dalawa. So when I finally saw my cousin look so infatuated with a girl, I was so happy.

Even if that means denying myself of a girl I was deeply attracted to, as well.

Okay lang naman 'yon. Walang problema sa'kin ang magparaya para sa pinsan ko. I could learn to get over it, but... what destroyed me the most was my cousin's death and her involvement in it.

Alam ko naman na wala siyang kasalanan. Na hindi niya 'yon magagawa. Na siguro'y nagsacrifice ang pinsan ko para sa kaniya. Pero... dala na rin siguro ng galit at pait ay sandali ko siyang sinisi. Gusto ko lang may mapagbuntunan ng galit. Gusto ko lang na may masisi dahil nawala ang pinsan ko.

But it was so damn hard to get angry at a girl you care for because of the cousin that you love. It felt like I was being crushed at all sides, due to my grief and inability to blame anyone for it.

Ngunit alam ko ring hindi papayag si insan na maging mahina ako.

"Pero, insan, hindi ba dapat ikaw 'yong maging susunod na CEO? Bakit ako? Mas bata ako sa'yo tapos mas matalino ka kaysa sa'kin!" I once whined that at him after hearing the news from our parents.

"Lim, don't compare the two of us. Of course, we both have the required strength to run it, but you're the one who can fit the most. I may only be book-smart, but you are very talented in negotiations."

Iyon lang ang sinabi ni insan pero naging maayos na ang damdamin ko. Halos naconvince na din ako pero ayoko pa ring magpatalo.

"Pero mahina ako sa mga ganito, insan!"

"What are you talking about?" he chuckled. "You're the stronger cousin, Lim. You might think you're the one depending on me, but it's actually the other way around."

Dinala ko ang sinabi niyang iyon hanggang sa City of Nightmares kung saan siya ang naging kalaban ko. Why do I have to view all our best memories when I have to witness him die at the end? And why do I have to be the one who kills him multiple times after? Nakakagago lang.

But I tried so hard to survive... because it's not just me leaving this world too. I'm surviving for me and my cousin.

Nakangiti kong nilapitan si Finn at sinabi sa kaniyang tinatawag na kami ni Dierran. I've always tucked my tail when someone compliments me, but...

"Still handsome, Oli." iyon lang ang sinabi niya pero napatitig ako sa mukha ni Finn nang matagal.

Maybe because she said it so innocently. Dahil hindi ang mga salitang 'yon ay hindi para magflirt back sa'kin o ano. It was just what she really thought and felt. So I couldn't help it when I ducked my head to place a soft kiss on her forehead.

Our darling. You will forever be in the Romero-Lim cousins' hearts. You will always be the darling that we will adore.

And now, our darling has grown so fast that she's ready to marry.

Kinakalikot ko ang cellphone at nagtitipa ng text kay Kairo. Sinadya ko talaga na pangitan 'yong pagtype ko para mas lalo siyang magalit.

Me:
Kai, anu kta tau mmya pra idscuss ang del?. Kina Eura lng b gst m kmain?

Pinakapanget na Oliveros:
what?
you're a fucking business owner and you can't type right?

Me:
Anu kba, Kairo. Hnd m b alm n uso 2 ngAyn???

Pinakapanget na Oliveros:
uso? are you in the fucking baby years of technology?
hindi kita papansinin kung hindi mo aayusin 'yang pagtype mo

Me:
Art3 nmn pi
(message cannot be delivered)

Kumunot ang noo ko nang mabasa 'yon. Napacheck pa ako kung may load pa ba pero naalala kong nakaplan naman pala ako. Then, I laughed when I realized that I cannot send message anymore because he fucking blocked me!

"Oli? Okay?"

Napahinto ako sa mahinang pagtawa nang marinig ang boses ni Finn. I cleared my throat before looking up at the woman who first stole my heart unconsciously. Binigyan niya ako ng maliit na ngiti bago dumapo sa cellphone ko ang tingin niya.

"Para kang baliw." walang-muwang saad niya habang umuupo.

Her direct comment made me laugh aloud, garnering multiple gazes towards us. "Harsh, Finn. Masakit dito." sabay paghimas ko sa kaliwang parte ng dibdib.

She stared at it for a minute before saying, "Maybe because you hang out with Kairo a lot now, you have his heart disease."

Natawa ulit ako pero hindi na kinontra 'yon. Hindi ko alam kung nagjojoke lang si Finley o kung hanggang ngayon ba'y naniniwala pa rin siyang may sakit sa puso si Kairo.

"Hayaan mo na 'yon. Binlock ako." pagsumbong ko bago binuksan ang pakay kung bakit ko siya pinapunta sa isang restaurant. "Oo nga pala. Babalik na din ata si Caspian bukas."

"Is he... okay?"

When we got back from the game, I was still very concerned at my cousin. Hindi siya masyadong nagsasalita, lalo na kung tungkol sa damdamin niya, kaya hindi ko alam kung anong naramdaman niya pagkatapos ng lahat. I kept on watching and following his every move, a little traumatized as well that he would disappear at any time. It was both a hard time for the both of us.

I became even more overprotective with my cousin, panicking a bit when I couldn't see him once a day the first few months. And he... he had some troubles too. Pero hindi niya sinasabi sa'kin.

Naobserbahan ko lang dahil may mga panahong hindi siya umuuwi kapag semestral break. He would board a bus or drive around in his car for a few days. Kapag nakabalik na ay parang normal na ulit ang lahat sa kaniya. Hindi niya sinasabi kung saan siya pumupunta o kung anong ginagawa niya.

I guess... there was this slight rift that also formed between us.

"Hindi ko alam, Finn..." mahina kong sagot. "He never talks to me about it anymore."

Her gaze dropped. "Sorry..."

"Huwag kang magsorry, wala ka namang kasalanan." I tried to give her a reassuring smile, but I doubt it was convincing. "Babalik din ang loob ni insan. Alam ko 'yon."

"Mm."

"May regalo nga pala ako sa'yo."

Bahagyang kumunot ang noo niya. "Regalo?"

"Yep. Wait lang," I slowly took the maroon box out, giving some small suspense before the reveal. Although, mukhang hindi na kailangan dahil hindi naman umiiba ang curious expression niya. "Ta-da!"

Ipinresenta ko ang box kung saan nakapaloob ang dalawang amethyst earrings. It sparked against the ceiling lights, making it even more alluring to a human's eye. Umuwang ang labi ni Finn at dahan-dahan niyang inabot ang regalo, sabay kuha ng isa para tingnan ng mabuti.

"Akin, Oli?"

"Regalo ko sa'yo dahil ikakasal ka na. You don't really need to wear it kung hindi mo siya gustoㅡ"

"Pretty." sabay paglitaw ng napakagandang ngiti sa mukha niya. "Thank you, Oli!"

No... Thank you, Finn. Thank you for letting me meet and like you. Thank you for inspiring me with your own courage and for successfully showing me how to step out of your comfort zone.

Hinintay ko si insan sa condo niya nang gabing 'yon. He stopped a bit when he got in, narrowing his eyes at me. Nakaupo ako sa sala niya at nanonood ng movie habang kumakain ng popcorn.

"Insan! Saan ka galing?"

"What are you doing here, Oli? Weren't you supposed to have a business meeting with Kairo?"

Nilapag niya ang take-out sa center table habang niluluwagan ang necktie. I frowned at the mention of Kairo's name, setting the popcorn bowl down slowly and lowering the volume.

"Nagkita kayo ni Kairo?"

"I bumped into him at the bar," umupo siya sa tabi ko at sinimulang buksan ang pagkain na binili. "He asked for you and I answered I didn't know. Sabi niya dumiretso siya doon kasi tatlumpung minuto na daw siya sa restaurant at 'di ka pa dumadating. He didn't text you?"

"Binlock niya 'ko!" napataas ang boses ko.

Mahinang napatawa si Caspian. "Hindi ko na talaga alam kung anong trip niyong dalawa."

"Pero insan, anong ginagawa mo sa bar?"

Sandali siyang napahinto sa pagsubo. "Dumaan lang ako." he answered normally, taking a bite off a burger. "I wanted a drink."

Hindi ako sumagot at nanatili lang na nakatitig sa kaniya. He must have felt uncomfortable at my silence and the hushed conversations from the television.

"What is it, Lim? I'm alright."

"Bakit hindi mo ako sinabay sa pag-inom, insan?"

Simple lang ang tanong ko pero hindi siya agad nakasagot. He just stared at the screen, as he slowly chewed his food.

"Hindi ka na ba nagtitiwala sa'kin?"

"What-"

I ignored him, continuing. "Hinayaan kita sa anim na taon na sarilihin ang problema mo, insan. Na huwag magreklamo sa'kin o kahit kanino. I watched you suffer on your own silently for years pero... pero insan, hanggang ngayon ba, ayaw mo pa ring sabihin sa'kin kung anong nangyari? Are you still hesitating on opening up to me? Am I not trusted enough or dependable for you? Insan kasi, sabi mo noon sa ating dalawa ikaw ang mas dumedepende, pero bakit hindi mo sinasabi sa'kin problema mo?"

I always complain to him, from the smallest problem to my biggest and troubling ones. Lagi niya akong tinutulungan. Lagi siyang may magandang nai-a-advise sa'kin. That's why I think I was always the weaker cousin because he never did complain to me about anything.

At sa ginagawa ko ngayon... siguro nga ako talaga ang mahina sa'ming dalawa dahil ako pa rin ang nagrereklamo.

"Oliver, I didn't want to trouble you-"

"Insan, handa kong dalhin ang kalahati ng problema mo kung mas gagaan ito sa'yo. Alam kong... sa dadating na kasal... mas maapektuhan ka."

That made him go silent. "Nakipagkita ka sa kaniya?"

"She was giving invitations. Pero mukhang ibibigay niya nang personal ang sa'yo."

"Really? Bakit hindi na lang niya binigay sa'yo?"

"Para makipag-usap din siguro. Tinanong niya kung kamusta ka," sinamaan ko ng tingin ang pinsan. "At 'wag mo ngang pinapalit ang topic natin!"

Caspian let out a chuckle. Tumayo siya kaya handa na sana akong manuntok kung iiwan niya ako dito pero dumiretso siya sa kusina. With three bottles of whiskey and two glasses in hand, bumalik siya sa tabi ko.

"Come on, cousin. Let's drink and talk about it."

We spent that night talking and listening to each other, drinking our problems away with the alcohol.

Simula noon, bumalik na din ang solid na relationship namin kagaya noon. Caspian has also started to open a lot more, so it wasn't me whining all the time anymore. I still spend most of our conversations complaining though, especially tungkol kay Kairo.

Isa pang nagawa namin ay ang sumakay lang sa isang bus na umiikot sa city. I found out that it's what he likes to do everytime he disappears. Whenever I'm not busy with our business and he has a rest day, we board the bus together, just aimlessly riding.

Nakilala ko din ang babaeng nakilala niya doon.

"Ikaw, Oliver? Wala ka bang plano na magkanobya? Parang mauubusan ka ng babae noon ah, tapos ngayon, walang pakialam na?"

I sighed, wondering why I asked for Eura's service for today's training on my employees. Ngayong break ay ako na ang paborito niyang target.

"Wala pa akong plano diyan-"

"Makalandi ka noon, parang mamamatay ka na bukas." patuloy niya. "Ang hangin makasalita, tapos 'pag sinagot ng babae, tangina tahimik agad. Hindi ko nga alam no'n kung may kompyansa ka ba sa sarili mo o prankster ka. Putangina kasi isang araw alam kong crush mo si Jasmine, sunod si Jamaicah naman. Seryoso? May ano ka sa mga J?"

"Nagandahan lang ako sa kanila. Hindi ka pa ba nagkacrush-"

"Akala ko pa noon mala-Kairo ka pero at least tumatagal ng dalawang linggo ang jowa no'n, hindi ko nga alam kung nakakaabot ng dalawang oras pag-uusap niyo!" tumawa siya. "Puta, Oliver, naunahan ka pa ba ng pinsan mo?"

I clicked my tongue, now annoyed at Gavin because he's not here. Noon naiirita ako sa kaniya kasi may favoritism si Finn sa kaniya, ngayon naiinis ako dahil hindi natatahimik si Eura kung wala siya.

"Alam mo, kung wala ka ng gagawin dito, uwian mo na fiancé mo."

"Buti pa ako, Oli, may fiancé. Ikaw?"

The pencil I was using to make plans broke. Sinamaan ko ng tingin si Eura na ngumisi lang.

I scoffed. "Wala akong panahon diyan, Eura. Siguro next month, susubukan ko. Pero wala pa akong interes ngayon."

"Wala nga ba? O dahil ikakasal na siya?"

"No." I answered without hesitation. "When my cousin liked her, naggive-up na ako sa kaniya. She is not related to any of the decisions I'll make."

I thought Eura will make another banter pero bigla lang siyang natawa. It wasn't the insulting laugh. It was cheery and positive.

"Alright, Oli. If you're finally ready, text mo lang ako. Marami akong kakilala na handang makipaglandian sa'yo."

Her playful comment made me roll my eyes but I was glad she didn't press on my decision anymore.

It wasn't that I'm no longer interested in girls and love, but I wanted to spend more time with my cousin. Weird siguro para sa iba dahil lumaki naman kami kasama ang isa't isa pero... sa buhay hindi mo nga talaga alam ang mangyayari. One moment, you're talking to your loved one. The next, they might be gone.

So maybe I'd find my own final date once my cousin is wed too. Pero sa ngayon, wala pa iyon sa utak ko.

Mas importante na masaya ang pinsan ko at ang ibang tao na mahalaga sa'kin. Seeing them happy and safe also fills me with joy.

Right now, I'm prioritizing my platonic relationships and happiness.

And I'm so contented with that.