-chapter one-hundred-six-

FINN

Nang buksan ko ang mga mata ay nakasakay na ako sa isang kotse. Maliwanag ang araw sa labas at matunog ang pamilyar na kanta sa loob ng sasakyan. I found myself smiling and humming, glancing at the sea that stretched beyond from outside.

"Gising ka na, Finn. Mabuti naman. Malapit na tayo sa bahay nina Geneva."

Ngumiti ako at tumango kay Mama. Hindi ko mapigilang titigan ng mabuti ang mukha niya at ni Papa. Parang ang tagal ko nang makita sa personal ang mukha nila. And I can't help but miss them so much.

Which is very strange since I've been here all this time. Mahina akong napatawa sa sarili at muling pinanood ang mga alon na nag-uunahan sa labas.

Suddenly, there was a bright light in the front of our car and I found myself being thrown back.

Napadaing ako sa sakit ng katawan. Slowly, I opened my eyes to see what happened. Parang sinaksak ang puso ko nang makita na upside-down na ang kotseng sinasakyan namin. Mama's head hang low from her seat and blood trickled from her head. Si Papa naman ay nakasubsob sa manibela at marami ring dugo.

I reached out to them and flinched when I saw small hands. Then I realized I was in my body as a child.

"W-What..."

Hindi ko tinapos ang sasabihin at lumabas. I found myself in the middle of a street with no one else around. My parent's car were nowhere to be seen. I felt numb but heartbroken in the same time. Gusto kong kumawala at umiyak ng todo pero may kung ano ang pumipigil sa'kin na gumalaw.

Narinig ko ang maingay na preno. Hindi man lang nagreact ang katawan ko. Kung kailan malapit na ang sasakyan, doon ko nagawang tumingin sa gilid para makita kung bakit ang liwanag.

My heart dropped when I saw a truck driving really fast towards me. Panay ang kaway ng driver na tumabi ako pero hindi ko magawa.

Then, I was pushed aside.

I snapped my head to the place where I was standing a while ago and found Kuya Gabriel in there. Nanlaki ang mata ko nang tumilapon siya gawa ng rumaragasang truck. I saw another version of myself walking towards his injured body, face ashen and ghastly. Ngunit ang kasalukuyang ako ay nakayuko at muli sinasabunot ang buhok.

What? What's happening? What just happened? Bakit lumalabas ulit ang mga masasamang panaginip ko?

Why are they back and haunting me again?

Isang nakakabinging sigaw ang pinakawalan ko. It was a cry of help and anguish and grief. It was so broken that a succession of sobs quickly followed and it was so hard trying to catch my breath. It was so hard trying to act like these nightmares wouldn't haunt me again.

The world around me cracked, like crystals slowly slicing to different, smaller pieces. At sa isang iglap ay napalitan ito ng syudad kung saan ako naglalaro. Kung saan ipinakita rin sa'kin ang iba't ibang pagkamatay na pwede kong pigilan o mapipigilan.

Nanatili akong nakaupo kahit nagkasira-sira ulit ang mga gusali at muling magbabagong anyo ang syudad. I was at my weakest. I was at my most exhaustive point. The tears wouldn't stop falling and there's still that numbing feeling in my heart.

Someone scooped me up and saved me from the destroyed city once again. Hindi ko pa rin tinitingnan kung sino siya, sa takot na baka panibagong pagkamatay naman ang makita ko.

"Finn. You need to leave." narinig kong sabi niya bago inatake ang mga monsters na paparating sa'min.

Leave? Leave where? Ano ba ang dapat kong gawin?

I caught a glimpse of a running Eura so I followed her. May limang monster hordes na hinahabol siya at kailangan ko siyang matulungan. I gripped the throwdaggers in my weak hands before throwing them on the monster's heads.

For the first time, my aim was shit.

Dumaan lang ang iba sa tainga nila at hindi man lang nakapatay. Some landed a few meters away from me like they were daggers thrown by a kid.

Isang sigaw ang bumuhay sa loob ko at agad akong tumakbo, my shadows trailing and choking any monsters that come near. However, I was too late. When I arrived at the source of the sound, her head was already cut off and it hang on a pole. Blood gushed out of Eura's talkative mouth and both her eyes.

"Ah... E-Eura..."

Napahakbang ako paatras. Hindi ko namalayan ang isang bato na nagpadapa sa'kin. I fell down on my butt, still shocked and unable to process whatever is happening, as a group of monsters started walking towards me.

Someone held me up by the back of my shirt bago niya ako inalalayan at sabay kaming tumakbo. Oliver put himself in front of me as he shot the closest monsters with his gun.

"Oliver..."

"Fuck! Okay ka lang ba, Finn? Kailangan nating mag-ingat dahil sobrang lakas ng mga monsters na 'to-!"

A bullet went through his skull and his grip on me loosened.

Natumba siya sa harapan ko. A few meters away from us, I saw Maki being torn to shreds by the monsters. His cries were devastating as a beast ripped his arm out of his body, throwing them to another monster who quickly ate it.

I wanted to throw up.

I snapped my head to the side and found Kairo impaled by a large spear. Pero patuloy pa rin ang pakikipaglaban niya, na parang mas kasindak-sindak pa siya sa kamatayan. A claw went straight his knee and his left hand was cut, but he just bit his dagger in his mouth while still fighting. At noong magtama ang mata namin ay siyang 'paghiwa sa kaniyang katawan.

A broken sob left my lips and I staggered back. Nabangga ng likod ko ang isang pole. Something dropped in my face and when I touched it, it was blood.

Nang tumingala ako para makita kung ano 'yon, I found Eura's head haunting me.

Kaagad kong tinakpan ang bibig at umatras ng umatras hanggang sa makatakas ako sa kalsada na 'yon. Huminto ako nang marating ang kabilang kalsada ngunit mas lalo akong nawasak sa nakita.

On the right, I had to watch a dying Caspian and it was like the twelfth city all over again. On the left, I had to watch Gavin fight back a giant monster with both his hands severely injured and bleeding.

Parang pinapapapili ako kung sino ang ililigtas.

I heard cries from both side and the sound of flesh being stabbed. Napaupo ako sa lupa at napasigaw ng iyak at pighati. Someone covered my eyes and carried me again.

"You need to let go." narinig kong saad ulit niya. "Finn, you need to let go of the pain and accept the deaths of everyone here. They shouldn't be haunting you, they should be giving you strength."

Didn't I? I stopped trying to protect other people and told myself to survive. I tried using their memories and death as a way to gain strength, even if remembering still traumatizes every cell in my being. I wanted to change... I am trying to change. I am trying to be happy with them.

"You think you accepted them but you still haven't. Dahil kapag naaalala mo ang nangyari sa kanila ay nandoon pa rin ang pagblame mo sa sarili at pagbigat ng damdamin mo." niyugyog niya ang balikat ko. "This is not real. Nothing in here is real. But in order to leave this fucked-up dimension, you need to accept death."

"Mamamatay ako?" I whispered.

"I can't kill you..."

Bigla niyang kinuha ang kamay ko na may hawak na throwdagger at pinosisyon iyon sa puso niya. My breathing almost stopped at the realization.

"But I can accept death for you."

Agad kong nabitawan ang dagger at umiling-iling na tumayo. "No. No. Hindi ko magagawa 'yan. I— You, you can kill me. Ako ang dapat tumanggap ng kamatayan, 'di ba?"

"When I said that you need to accept death, hindi naman literal ang sinabi ko. Because you've already accepted it long before, but it's the death of your comrades that you're unwilling to see. So kailangan mong buksan ang mga mata mo at tingnan ako—"

"NO!"

My scream was accompanied by the multiple throwdaggers in the air that I summoned flying down to pierce every single monster in the vicinity. Umulan ng mga kunai sa buong syudad at pinatay ang kung sino mang humihinga maliban sa aming dalawa.

The sound of falling behind me made me turn back and the daggers instantly stopped. Behind me was Theo in his knees with my very own throwdagger in his heart.

At muling nasira ang mundo.

Binuhat ulit ako ng taong 'yon at tumakbo siya papunta sa dulo ng kalsada. Pinikit ko ang mga mata nang madaanan namin ang nahuhulog na bangkay ng mga kaibigan ko. Ang mapapait at masasayang alaala na kasama nito.

Someone tapped my cheek softly. "Open your eyes."

Mahina akong umiling at isinubsob ang mukha sa dibdib niya.

"Finn, look at me." pilit niya akong pinapaharap sa kaniya pero panay ang iling ko. "Look at me."

At last, I did let him cup my cheeks and see his face. I stared at his ever-composed face now mixed with fear and pain. Parang repleksiyon ng hinanakit ko ang itim niyang mga mata. He looks exhausted. He looks tired. But beneath those feelings is a different set of emotions I refused to name as he stared back.

"Do you know my name?" tila walang nasisirang bagay sa paligid namin sa pagkahinahon ng boses niya.

Matagal bago ako nakasagot. "Wes."

He nodded. "Do you know what to do?"

Umiling ako at nagsipag-unahan ulit ang mga luha ko sa pagpatak.

"Don't want to."

Huminga siya ng malalim. "Can you feel the pull?"

Naalala ko naman ang sinabi ni Caspian kanina. The pull. I should follow the pull because it would bring me to the answer of this city. At ngayon nga ay sobrang lakas na niya.

The pull was his heart all along but I didn't notice it before because I was blinded by anguish and pain. Ngunit ngayon ay mas nakakatakot na ang paghila ng kamay kong may hawak na dagger sa puso niya. Na parang gusto nitong maisaksak sa dibdib niya.

But stabbing his heart would also kill mine, doesn't my own hand know that?

"You need to kill me so we can get out of here." paliwanag niya.

Umiling ako.

Ayoko. Ayokong mawalan ulit ng taong nagsisilbing pillar ko. I've already told myself that I want to try whatever it is with them so why do I have to lose someone again? Bakit ba kung saan ako nagiging masaya, may dadating na lungkot para wasakin ito?

"Finn..." he sighed my name and advanced.

Hinalikan niya ang patak ng luha ko sa pisngi at dahan-dahan niyang kinuha ang kamay ko at itinutok iyon sa puso niya. The tip of my dagger was pointed at his heart as he lowered his head and softly brushed his lips against mine. Like the briefest touch of wind against my skin.

"I promise I won't die."

Umiling pa rin ako at pilit na binabawi ang kamay kong hawak-hawak niya. Hindi na natigil ang patak ng luha ko. Parang gusto ko na lang na may masirang kung ano at sabay kaming mapatay nito.

"My life is yours, my queen."

I would rather be a commoner if queens had to feel this type of pain.

Pinikit ko ang mga mata at sinaksak ang dagger sa puso niya. Narinig ko ang malakas niyang pagsinghap at ang dahan-dahang pagtanggal ng kamay niyang nakapalibot sa'kin. I couldn't control the next sobs that were forced out of me as I tried to hide my face. Ngunit hindi niya ako hinayaang itago ang mukha.

He wiped my cheeks, opening my eyes, and before the city could crumble down, I saw him smile.

"Hey! Hey, rogue! Wake up!"

Nagising ako sa malalakas na sampal sa'king mukha. I scrambled up, my eyes looking around the room, hoping to see a familiar face. Pero walang ibang tao sa kwarto kung hindi ang babae na may wild flowers sa kaniyang ulo. At mga herbs at potions lang ang nakikita ko sa tila maliit na kubong ito.

"Where...?" I asked, still confused.

Parang kanina lang grabe ang iyak ko at nag-agaw buhay si Wes tapos namatay 'yong mga kasama ko at parang nasa isang masayang tribo na ako ngayon?

I can hear the joyous laughter and vibrant music outside. Sinamahan pa ng liwanag na pumapasok sa maliit na bintana ng kubong 'to. Is this another nightmare? Or is this real?

"Congratulations for passing the Nightmare City, rogue!" masaya niyang bati. "Welcome to the twenty-fourth city! The city of dreams!"

I blinked. Ha?

"I guess you're still confused. We get that a lot of times since the previous city was a real pain. Pero hindi ka nagkaroon ng masamang panaginip, okeh? Ay pwede ring masamang panaginip siya, since Nightmare City naman ang tawag do'n." mahina siyang humalakhak bago nagseryoso. "Anyway, it's a multi-dimensional city that shows you different realities, at ito ang mga pinaka-tinatakutan mo. Getting out either means defeating those fears or accepting the shown realities. Don't worry at pwede ka nang magpahinga sa city na 'to, hehehe. We have drinks! Gusto mo ba?"

"Nasaan si Wes?"

The woman frowned. "Sa haba-haba ng sinabi ko, 'yan ang sagot mo? Sino naman ang taong 'yan?"

"OMG, FINN!!"

Biglang nabuksan ang pintuan ng kubo at tinulak ni Eura ang babae sa tabi. Narinig ko ang mahinang pagreklamo nito sa maiingay at makukulit na rogues. Pero nakatitig lang ako sa kaibigan kong maayos ang lagay.

Her bloody head cut off and stuck in that pole still visits my head.

"Grabe! Nag-alala talaga ako ng todo kasi ang tagal ko na dito tapos wala ka pa rin! Akala ko nga nauna ka na at balak mong patayin 'yong pesteng creator pero sabi no'ng mga NPC dito e wala pa naman daw naunang player sa twenty-fifth city kaya naisip ko na, hala! That means si Finn nasa nightmare city pa rin na 'yon?! So talagang kinabahan na ako kasi dumating na ang gagong kaibigan ko tapos nagalit rin siya o siguro nagtampo, ewan ko ba saan pinaglihi ang emosyon no'n, pero kasi nakarating na sina Oli at Maki at Gavin at lahat ng friends natin pero wala pa rin kayo ni Wes so syempre grabe itong pag-aalala ng lola mo—"

"Where's Wes?"

"Ay don't worry, mahal kong kaibigan, dahil ang Wes na 'yon ay nagising na rin at okay na rin siya. Ay wait lang, actually medyo confusing kasi..." kumunot ang noo niya. "Ang alam ko isa-isa ang nightmares na nakikita natin sa city na 'yon kaya nga iba't ibang time tayo nakakalabas pero..."

I stared at Eura. It's strange that she can't seem to say what she wants to say. Nakakunot lang ang noo niya at parang may iniisip na malalim.

"Pero?" tanong ko.

She pouted, looking every bit confused. "Sabay kasi kayong nagising."

Tumayo na ako. Nakita ko ang paglitaw ng panic sa mukha ni Eura at pilit niya akong inalalayan. But I told her I was okay.

"Puntahan natin." saad ko.

She hesitated for a bit, probably wanting me to rest some more, but she nodded. Tumango ako sa babaeng gumising sa'kin bilang pasasalamat at ngumiti siya. Ngunit bago kami makalabas ng kubo ay may pahabol siyang salita,

"You have a strong body and a strong will." wika niyang nagpalingon sa'kin. "But your heart is weak."

I tilted my head in a silent question.

"Rogue, sometimes you don't have to be strong to face the future. You just have to be brave." she smiled, coming closer to close the door. "Remember that."

-chapter end-