-chapter ninety-four-

FINN

Everywhere I go, my name is mentioned.

"As expected of the Black Sparrow! Wala talagang makakatumbas sa galing niya!"

"Pero parang magkaparehas lang din naman sila ng lakas ni Marcella, although siyempre iba pa rin ang galing ni Sparrow."

"Nako, kaya talaga botong-boto ako sa kaniya. Tangang mga June at Marcella, akala nila maiisahan nila siya."

Pumangit ang mukha ni Maki sa mga narinig. He's the first one to encourage and hype me up, but he seemed unhappy hearing such words from other people - lalo na iyong masama ang pananalita sa'kin noon.

It's amazing how one's opinion can change everytime a version of a truth comes out. Bakit kaya hindi na lang muna alamin ang buong istorya o hintayin ang resulta bago mag-react?

"Ang iingay niyo naman." a boy with thick eyebrows annoyingly commented. "'Diba sinasabihan niyo siyang mamamatay tao at ambisyosa no'ng nakaraan? Ba't bigla namang nagbago?"

Hinampas siya ng kasama sa balikat. "Ito talagang si Liam, hindi majoke. Past is past na!"

Liam rolled his eyes. "Past is past. Tch. Kung tumigil na lang kayo sa pagchi-chismis at seryosohin ang laro? We need to get out of here fast."

They walked towards the now opening gate where most players are resting. Natapos na ang Territory Wars at dahil nawalan ng lider at teritoryo ang Crow's Nest in the process, they were considered the last place. Marcella also lost, but the Blood Vanguard's still possessed a leader. Iyon nga lang, her pride was badly ruined.

The punishment for the lowest-ranked alliance wasn't announced. Kaya naman halata ang kaba sa bawat manlalaro na nasa alyansa na 'yon. Their leader has left them... on a bad situation.

"Hmm..." I glanced at Maki when he hummed. Kagat-kagat niya ang ibabang labi at mukhang may iniisip na malalim. "Bet ko 'yon."

Kumunot ang noo ko. With a tilt, I asked. "Mean?"

He turned to me with excited eyes. "Iyong lalaki ngayon lang! The one with the thick eyebrows and handsome face! Bet ko!"

Oh, maybe he's saying na gusto niya ang lalaki.

"Ang tanong bet ka ba?" Eura inserted between me and Maki. She flipped her hair. "Mukhang hindi papatol sa'yo 'yon."

Maki smirked, confident. "Hindi natin malalaman kung hindi ita-try."

"Landi ng gaga." irap ni Eura at bumaling sa'kin. "Finn, congrats sa laban niyo ni Marcella! I knew you could beat her! Bago ko pa nalaman na ikaw si Sparrow."

I smiled at Eura. Since the day I first met her here, malapit na talaga siya sa'kin. I wonder what force she felt to stay beside me. Siguro mayroon nga talaga siyang special radar for people, and I must have triggered the same emotion she has for Sparrow.

Napabuntong-hininga ako. The recent battle with Marcella has only aggravated my presence as Sparrow. One of the things that I disliked is attention, and now everyone's staring at me like some interesting display. I fear that they would fail to differentiate Sparrow from me.

Sparrow is a top streamer with almost perfect background. Her mellow voice attracts many and she's willing to help everyone else. While Finn may offer help every now and then, she's filled with many, many flaws. One that defines her as a human, not like Sparrow who exists inside a screen.

And for people who usually appear at screens, mistakes, even small, could change their whole lives. Everything they do is monitored and criticized. At ayoko ko iyon sa akin.

That's why I've protected my identity in the first place. To keep people from coming close, to maintain peace in my life, and to be free.

"Speaking of Marcella, she's still not moving from her territory. The gates will open soon."

Napatingin ako kay Fern, isa rin sa mga kaibigan ni Eura. She rarely talks and has a cold aura. Natakot nga ako sa kaniya noong una dahil ang lamig ng bawat tingin niya. But I guess she's just very serious, dahil kahit na mga kaibigan ang kausap ay hindi nagbabago ang expressions niya.

Louise, on the other hand, had the same cheery attitude as Eura. "Baka hurt pa rin 'yon kasi natalo sa lahat. Sabihan ba namang surrender."

"Psh! Those other players will just talk and talk behind our backs pero 'pag sila nasa gano'ng laban, wala din naman silang mabubuga. Baka nga isang hakbang lang ninyo ni Marcella, lumuhod na ang mga 'yon." Eura exclaimed.

"What can you do? They served as audiences to the feud. All they want are reactions." Fern commented. "At the end of the day, we're all humans and we will focus on our selfish interests."

Selfish interests, huh. For the past cities, it's what burned everyone's desire. Aside from survival, it was their selfish goals that made them walk until now. For selfishness justifies guilt and makes them capable of evil acts.

Tumango-tango si Maki sa sinabi ni Fern, ang mga mata ay nakatuon sa babae. "Habang tumatagal nga rin ang larong 'to at lumalayo ang cities natin, the more that everyone's mask are taken off. Dahil sa tingin ko ay pwede naman natin 'tong matapos kung magtutulungan."

Of course. After all, there was no city that instructed the players to go kill each other. The battles were purely battles, and it was up to us to set our limits. Base na rin sa aming moralidad.

It was also us who agreed to broke them. The game gave us temptations, gaya noong sa tenth city, but we were free to decide. Kami ang pumiling balewalain ang tahimik na paalala nila.

The game was already our enemy, but we made more by betraying and fighting each other. It was our sins that led us to where we are now.

Kung nagtulungan kami mula noon, maybe we would have more than 100 players now. Hindi iyong ganito.

"Finn."

Napalingon kaming lahat sa bagong dating. I stilled when Oliver's face welcomed me. Hindi niya ako matingnan sa mata at mukhang kinakabahan. I wonder why fear is painted in his usual joyous face. It should be the other way around.

Because out of us two, I was the one who failed him.

"Can we talk?" mahinahong tanong niya.

Eura raised her brows, eyes flickering between Maki and the two other girls. Pasimple namang ngumuso si Maki para itago ang ngiti at naramdaman ko ang kamay niya sa likod, tinutulak ako papunta kay Oliver. Fern didn't react at all while Louise smiled,

"Kami na ba ang aalis?" awkward siyang tumawa. "Kami na nga. Hehe, talk well. Walang sigawan o patayan ha, talk lang."

She dragged the smirking Maki and suspicious Eura away. Kahit na medyo malayo ay kita ko pa rin ang paniningkit ng mata ni Eura. Kalaunan ay lumapit siya kay Kairo na agad napalingon sa'min. He attempted to walk towards us but a stern-looking Fern blocked his way.

Si Maki naman na nasa gilid lang ay hinampas si Eura at may sinabi dito. They started arguing and rolling their eyes at each other.

Oliver shifted his weight, making me turn to him. When our eyes met, he cleared his throat. Humugot siya ng malalim na hininga at akala ko'y magsasalita na, pero tahimik pa rin. Due to his uncertainty, I tried to talk first.

"'m sorry."

"Finn, sorry."

Nagkasabay kami.

I was about to say something when he aggressively shook his head. "No, Finn. Wala kang dapat na ihingi ng tawad. It should be the other way around. I was the one who failed to be your friend back then. I should have stepped in and defended you against them-"

"Understandable." putol ko sa sinabi niya. "You were grieving."

"I was grieving, yes. Pero dapat ko pa ring pinagtanggol ka. If Caspian was there, he'll do it too."

If Caspian lost his beloved cousin and I was a primary suspect, he would grieve too. For both losing a family and a friend. So I don't blame Oliver for it.

I know the pain of losing someone you've been with your whole life.

Alam ko dahil naranasan ko na 'yon.

"I failed you and him."

Napangiti ako sa sinabi ni Oliver. Here he is, voicing out the same worries I have for how long now.

Umiling ako. "I did. I'm sorry."

Natawa siya sa akuan namin ng kasalanan. He stared at me and his lower lip trembled. Unshed tears glistened in his eyes and he looked up to stop them from falling. I hope he would cry and let it all out. I won't judge him for it. I won't criticized him for crying even though he's a male.

He's a human, after all. Every emotion we feel is valid, regardless of our sex and upbringing.

Oliver scoffed a laughter, swallowing hard. Hindi niya ako matingnan sa mata nang magsimula siyang magsalita. "He was my bestfriend, you know. Alam kong madami akong tinuturing na kaibigan pero walang makakatalo sa pinsan ko. Siya ang kasama ko mula pagkabata kaya talagang kilala na namin ang isa't isa. At nasanay na ako sa kaniya. I depended on him too much that I didn't know what to do when he was gone."

Bumigat ang bawat hinga niya at nanatili lang akong nakikinig. I don't want to ruin the moment where Oliver is becoming vulnerable. There was no one to pay us any attention dahil abala na sila sa unti-unting pagbubukas ng gate.

"He was my family, Finn. And losing him was much worse than giving up on the girl I like." tiningnan niya ako sa mata. "Damn it! I was willing to see Caspian and you. He gave me everything and protected me since we were children, so my heart getting broken wasn't a big deal. Dahil kung hindi ka naman magiging akin, isang lalaki lang ang gusto kong maangkin ka. At ang pinsan ko 'yon."

I was speechless... and lost. Tanging kurap ng mata lang ang naisagot ko sa kaniya.

"So when I heard the news, I just... broke down. Completely. It wasn't just losing my love, but also having my family taken away from me. But I knew you could never do it, Finn, I just- I didn't have the energy, the courage, the fucking everything to voice things out. I was blinded by my grief and pain that I didn't see yours-"

Tinakpan ko ang bibig ni Oliver. His eyes widened but I didn't pay his surprise any attention. Sa halip ay seryoso ko siyang tiningnan.

"Oliver. That's normal. Don't blame you for it. So please, let's stop the blaming. Caspian wouldn't like you to blame yourself."

Hindi rin naman tayo ang may kasalanan. It was a situation we couldn't control.

It just shows that no matter how powerful and terrifying we might look for others, we're still powerless in the end. Dahil may mga bagay na kahit anong gawin natin ay hindi maiiba. At mga taong kahit anong ignora natin ay pipilitin ang sarili sa isang istorya.

Dahan-dahan kong binawi ang kamay at may tipid na ngiti na sa labi ni Oliver. His hand brushed a falling strand of my hair back to my ears.

"I'm glad na ikaw ang huli niyang nakita. Not the person responsible or contributed to his death, pero ikaw. Sigurado akong masaya na siya doon." his smile grew when I nodded. "Baka may sinabi siyang cheesy sa'yo, huwag mo nang pansinin ha. Like protecting me or something."

"But I will." kontra ko.

Oliver's brows slightly furrowed. "I can handle myself. I'm slowly accepting things and moving on." hinawakan niya ang parteng sinaksak ni June. "This is my second life so I should live it well. For both me and my cousin."

"Mm." wala naman akong argument doon, my worry is something else. "I promised."

"It's alright, Finn. My cousin would understand it. You're a busy and needed person-"

Umiling ako. "Not Caspian. Promised you."

Kumunot ang noo niya. I stepped forward once, making him step back to maintain the distance. Bakit kaya grabe na ang distancing niya sa'kin ngayon? I've always known Oliver to be clingy and touchy, so this attitude is a bit worrying.

"At the eight city. Remember?"

Nanlaki ang mata niya. Mukhang naalala na niya ang pinangako ko sa kaniya doon. The promise that I would keep him safe. I wasn't bluffing at that time and until now. It's a pact I made to myself - to keep those close to me safe.

Oliver is also one of my close friends.

"That was only applicable inside the city-"

"Not to me. I value promises a lot."

Nanatili ang titig niya sa'kin ng ilang minuto bago siya humagalpak ng tawa. The smile that visited his face reminded me of the mischievous Oliver back then and I couldn't help but smile.

"Oo nga. You're very true to your words that sometimes it feels scary to hear something from your pretty mouth."

Buti naman at hindi ako laging nagsasalita dahil nakakatakot din naman pala.

I guess that's one of the reasons why they looked so surprised everytime I speak for long. But I wonder why they make me talk when I don't want to. Ang gulo talaga nila.

Magsasalita na sana ako nang namataan ko si Dierran na papunta sa'min. He had a bright smile on his face. A few meters behind him was a sulking Wes, face in a frown and eyes dark as he stared at me and Oliver.

Inakbayan ni Dierran si Oliver nang makalapit at ginulo ang buhok nito. "You okay now, bro? Pagkalabas natin dito, shot tayo if you want."

"Stop bringing me to bars, my cousin doesn't like it." dumaan ang lungkot sa mata niya. "Though he's not here to lecture me anymore."

"Kung hindi lang talaga kayo magpinsan, iisipin kong kayo." Dierran made the mood light.

That tore away some of the sadness and longin from Oliver. Sinamaan niya ng tingin ang kaibigan. "Ba't ka ba nandito? Nasaan bestfriend mo?"

Humalakhak siya. "That's the funny part! I was sent here by him to eavesdrop. Dakilang chismoso na siguro ako sa larong ito."

Ngayon lang pala nalaman ni Dierran 'yan.

His eyes drifted to me, still amused. "Kamusta, Finn? The sparrow's showing everyone her capabilities. It's always a pleasure seeing you fight."

I admit, I was emotionally engaged in my fight with Marcella. I used the battle as a way to let go of everything - my sadness, anger, longing, and pain. Dahil handang-handa naman si Marcella sa bawat atake ko, ginamit ko iyon para ilabas lahat ng emosyon ko. And that's why I was uncontrollable kanina. Every power and movement that I did told a story I wasn't willing to share with anyone.

Ngayong nandito na si Dierran sa harap ko, I remembered something. When we were fighting earlier, I knew most of the Blood Vanguard's were present. Sumali ang bawat isa sa kanila sa labanan. And I roamed the whole battlefield as I fought, kaya hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi ko pa rin nakikita si Sebastian.

If Marcella imprisoned him, she would still have to let him go to ensure her victory. Alam kong gagawin niya 'yon.

"Dierran." seryoso kong tawag sa pangalan niya. "Where's Baste?"

Natigilan siya sa tanong ko. Doon ko nalaman na may alam na siya. Which crosses the second suspicion I have in my head.

Saglit niyang nilingon si Wes sa likod bago tumikhim at bumaling ulit sa'kin. My heart was beating loudly at his weird actions. Did Marcella really imprison my friend? Bakit naman niya gagawin 'yon?

"Finn." there was sadness in Dierran's voice. "I'm sorry."

I felt my insides go cold. Nakita ko ang paglapit ni Gavin sa'min, smiling happily while waving. Nang ibalik ko ang tingin kay Dierran ay nahihirapan na siyang magsalita.

Oliver frowned, lost in the situation too. "Nagpa-prank ka naman ba, Dierran? Bakit ganyan itsura mo? Did Marci kidnap the boy?"

"Finn!" Gavin exclaimed, stopping beside me after smiling at both boys. "Tinanong mo ba siya tungkol kay Baste?"

Dierran gave out a heavy exhale. Hinilot niya ang sentido na parang malaki ang problema. "I wish it was that." sagot niya sa tanong ni Oliver.

Kumunot ang noo ni Gavin sa narinig. Lumipat-lipat sa'kin at kay Dierran ang tingin niya, pero hindi ko muna siya pinansin. I was more occupied by the heavy feeling in my stomach and the slight throbbing in my head.

If it wasn't Marcella... and Sapphire had no connection to this problem, then nasaan na si Sebastian?

Bakit ayaw na lang kaming diretsuhin ni Dierran?

"Do you know what each of the city symbolizes?" he vaguely asked.

"Akala ko ba tinanong mo siya tungkol kay Baste, Finn? Bakit naman parang may lesson pa tayo tungkol sa mga siyudad ngayon?" naiiritang tanong ni Gavin sa tainga ko.

His voice wasn't really low so Dierran heard him. Sumulyap siya dito ng isang beses bago tumikhim.

"It's a thought that visited Wes. Bakit tayo lumilipat-lipat ng iba't ibang city na may mga time limit? And those times in the cities aren't mere countdowns, but there were friendships and tragic events that happened." patuloy niya. "We get attached at certain city or a person in that city and we lose them as we continue on. We have to deal with losing something as we continue this journey, kung saan eventually, mauuwi tayo sa huling city na makakapagpalabas sa'tin dito."

Lalong lumakas ang tibok ng puso ko. The more Dierran speaks, the more I understand what he meant. At hindi iyon nakakatulong sa kaba na mayro'n ako.

"Do you see it? The cities symbolizes the point in our lives where we are gaining something... and losing them at the same time. When the time ends and the gate opens, we're left with one big decision. Should we stop or continue this merciless walk of life?" Dierran gave a sad smile. "This game is just our life with twenty-six different points, kung saan kailangan nating mamili between moving on and staying still."

Napalunok ako.

"And... Sebastian didn't want to move on."

Natigilan si Gavin sa tabi ko. Unti-unti na ata niyang naiintindihan ang lahat. He gave a harsh exhale and scoffed.

"Si Sebastian? He lost his family's wealth once but he was still here. Bakit naman hindi niya makakayang-"

Hindi natapos ni Gavin ang sasabihin. He clenched his jaw, refusing to submit to the cold hard truth.

But Dierran ruthlessly worded it for us. "He couldn't get over her death. At hindi niya magawang pumasok dito. He stayed... back at the fourteenth city."

"Eh, putangina! Paano naman kami?! Hindi man lang ba niya kami naisip?!" galit na sigaw ni Gavin. "We treasure and love Renée so much too! He didn't have to leave us like that! Bakit nagde-desisyon lang siya para sa sarili niya?!"

Gavin's confused and angry shouts increased my feeling of helplessness. Naramdaman ko ang panghihina ng tuhod. I couldn't say anything, nor look at anyone. I felt numb but deeply in pain. I wanted to cry out but no tears would fall.

Two faces appeared in my mind and I felt the same betrayal as Gavin in my treacherous heart. Bakit gano'n sila? Bakit hindi nila kami iniisip? Bakit nangunguna sila sa desisyon? We could have handled this if we tried.

If they were too tired, I could handle it for them.

I could carry their burden. They can place their blame on me, plan a revenge, get angry and throw hateful words, as long as that emotions would keep them alive at the end of this game.

The announcement of the gate opening filled the entire city, but I couldn't move a muscle. I could hear the excited chatters of everyone to leave and continue this brutal journey.

"Finn!"

My vision focused on Gavin who was squatting in front of me. Hindi ko namalayan na napaupo na pala ako sa gulat at sakit. Behind him, I can see the concerned faces from Dierran, Eura, and Maki. They were all there, looking at me with worry.

A movement in my left made me turn my head. Oliver gave me a small smile and gestured at the opened gate.

"We're going to be strong and keep on moving on, right?"

For everyone who were weak to continue. For everyone who were defeated by this game.

Yumuko ako at humigit ng malalim na hininga. Everything was painful, from the throbbing bruises to the breaking of my heart. Pero kaya ko 'to... kaya mo 'to, Finn, 'di ba? You failed them again but you just have to make sure you won't do it to others.

You just have to make sure you'll keep them safe.

Nilingon ko ang gate na nagkokonekta dito at sa Fourteenth City. Back there, my friends have given up, passing their pain and responsibilities to me. My answer to that is shouldering their burden.

Mahina akong tumango at tumayo. Their worried faces did not budge, kahit na inalis ko lahat ng expresiyon sa mukha.

Grief wasn't new, but who said someone could be immune to it? There was no manual or learning instruction to not feel grief. There was only the practice of masking one's emotion.

Maybe... I should try to distant myself again. Dahil lahat ng mga taong nalalapit sa'kin ay nadidisgrasya. They're cursed by me to always meet death, because that damn thing likes to mock me so much.

Briefly, I remembered my parent's words about romantic love. Nagpaalala ito kanina nang marinig ko ang sinabi ni Oliver and now it has resurfaced after Sebastian and Renée's tragic story.

Having someone close to me triggers my curse already, so I don't want to think about loving someone like that. Sana rin ay hindi sila makaramdam no'n sa'kin. I don't deserve those kind of love, because I would only ruin them. I would only be their greatest mistake and regret.

I started to walk towards the large gate doors, each step heavy. Huminga ako ng malalim at kinuha lahat ng sakit para itago ito sa kaloob-looban ko. It's alright, this is another point in my life where I lose an important piece of my sanity.

But I will keep on walking and fighting. I will keep on passing doors and moving through life, because that's the only thing I could do as a helpless human being.

To move on. To walk. To fight.

All for them.

And, maybe, for me.

-chapter end-