sorry po ulit.

-chapter fifty-three-

FINN

Sometimes, I wonder. What would life be if I didn't leave the house that afternoon?

Kakalabas ko lang ng kwarto noon at bababa sana para uminom ng tubig, nang marinig ang boses nina Tita Geneva at Tita Layla sa kusina. They were talking in hushed voices, and I hid myself in the wall, listening to their conversation. Alam kong masama pero narinig ko kasing sinambit nila ang pangalan ko.

I hope God would forgive me for eavesdropping. Maybe Mama and Papa could talk to Him.

"Nagaalala lang ako, Gen." boses ni Tita Layla. "Finley is already timid when Alyanna and Finnian were still alive. Natatakot ako kasi mula nang mamatay si Gabriel, she's locking herself in her room."

The death of Gabriel visited my memory once again. Naibaba ko ang tingin at napakuyom sa maliliit na kamao nang maalala ang huling sinabi niya. Protect those important to us and especially his little brother so I could stop blaming myself.

When I should.

Because I was the reason why Gavin's brother died.

"Kami nga rin ay nagaalala." bumuntong-hininga si Tita Geneva. "We know and understand what happened. Finley is only recovering... from the death of her parents. Besides, Gabi was already an adult. It was his decision to save her."

No. It was my fault. If I wasn't such a helpless child, then I could have prevented death from coming again.

Paupo akong bumaba sa sahig at itinago ang mukha sa tuhod. I feel like I'm cursed, for the people who were sent to me as angels died for my sake. If death wanted me so much, why didn't they just give me?

Sana... masaya pa silang lahat ngayon.

"In his days at the hospital, alam kong pilit ring sinasabi ni Gabriel 'yon. Kaya nga siguro ang huling bilin niya kay Finn ay protektahan ang mga taong malapit sa kaniya. If she can't really help but blame herself, then it's how she pays her assumed debt."

"It's not like death is new to us all, lalo na sa trabaho ni Gabi, pero... masakit pa rin."

My heart ached when I felt the overwhelming sadness and longing in Tita Geneva's voice. Of course, I was the reason her eldest son died, so she would really be in pain. I inflicted that pain on her. Napakagat ako sa ibabang labi para pigilan ang humikbi at mas lalong pinaliit ang sarili.

"I hope Finn can see us... or Gavin. Don't get tired of telling her that it's not her fault, Layla. I'm worried for her and Gavin, lalo na't sa side ng anak ko ay parang nawalan siya ng dalawang malapit na tao..."

Hindi na ako nakinig pa sa pinag-uusapan nila nang marinig ang pangalan namin ni Gavin. I left the house, running towards the nearest park. The afternoon sun was warm on my skin, the almost-golden rays hitting the swings and slides. There were a couple of boys playing soccer on the trimmed grass while a group of girls was busy chatting in the playhouse.

Natigilan ako nang makita si Renée doon. She was smiling while talking to a brunette, twirling her braids and occasionally laughing. Nang iikot sana siya sa banda ko ay mabilis akong nagtago sa ilalim ng isang slide.

"Ouch!"

My eyes widened at the small shout of pain. Sa bilis ng pagtago ko ay may nasagi pala ako. Bumaling ako sa gilid at nakita ang isang babaeng bata. When she looked up to glare at me, between her long and curly brown hair, I was stunned. She was very pretty. Her porcelain skin and small lips was almost like it belonged to a doll. Ang mga mata niya rin ay magagandang itim, the very opposite of her skin.

"Look at where you're going!" saway niya sa'kin at pinulot ang hawak-hawak na phone.

Hindi niya na ako pinansin pa at humilig sa pader, continuing in her phone. Nasa ilalim kami ng slide, hiding behind its stairs. Hindi kami kita unless the people around started to look under here. Dahil sa ayaw ko rin namang lumabas ay umupo na lang din ako, leaving a safe distance between the two of us.

Her fingers stopped tapping the screen and I could feel her eyes burning into my skull. Hinayaan ko siya at inilapat lang ang ulo ko sa taas ng tuhod. There are the excited sounds and loud chatters of the other children outside, but under here, it's silent. Like a completely different world.

Like the exact opposite of my life. Where I remain silent even though fate and death keep on making chaos inside.

Bahagyang nanlaki ang mata ko nang lumitaw sa harap ko ang phone niya. A game was playing on it - and the character is just standing while the boss keeps on attacking it. I blinked, mouth slightly parting in surprise, and I gave the girl a questioning glance.

She shrugged. "Whenever I'm sad, I play games."

"Let me... play?" mahina kong tanong.

"Mukhang malungkot ka kaya oo. Bilisan mo, namamatay na character natin."

Still doubting her intentions, I carefully took her phone and started playing. But nothing else happened that afternoon, and we just spent an hour under the slide playing games and chuckling at every defeat. Nang tuluyan nang bumaba ang araw ay tumayo siya.

"I need to go home." nakasimangot niyang wika. "Sorry."

Ngumiti ako. There was no need for her to feel sorry. Gumaan nga ang loob ko sa pananatili ko rito at pakikipaglaro sa kaniya.

"Mm."

"See you when I do..." her words hung in the air and she looked at me strangely.

Doon ko naalala na hindi pa pala namin kilala ang isa't isa.

"Finn." sagot ko.

She smiled. "That's a pretty name! I'm Julianne, but you can call me June!"

"Parang month," I commented, slightly chuckling.

"Well, I was born in June so I guess my parents decided to give me that nickname. Pasok din naman sa pangalan ko." natatawa niyang sang-ayon. "I really need to go now. Bye, Finn!"

"Mm!"

Sinabayan ko si June sa paglabas ng slide kaya naabutan pa ako ni Renée. Bigla siyang sumimangot nang makita ako, lalo na nang iiwas ko ang tingin. June tilted her head, beside me, staring at Renée.

"Sinasabi ko na nga bang nandito ka." Renée's voice was strict that I winced. "Tita Layla was worried because you suddenly disappeared, but I swear I saw you in the playground so dito kita hinintay. What happened, Finn?"

Umiling ako bilang sagot.

Renée's maldita act did not last for long because her eyes softened. Sinubukan niya akong lapitan pero hinarang ni June ang kamay niya sa pagitan naming dalawa. Sinamaan niya ng tingin si Ree at tinaasan ng kilay.

"Hoy, ikaw ba ang nagpasad sa kaniya?!" akusa nito. "Don't be angry at her! Ako kaya ang nagcheer up sa kaniya!"

Kumunot ang noo ni Renée sa kaniya. I know that expression. It's one she usually makes when she wants to remember a person. But before any of us could speak, a woman's voice cut in.

"Julianne Evonne! Nandito ka lang pala!"

Isang babae na naka-red dress at mataas na heels ang taas-noong naglakad sa park. Behind her, four large-looking men followed. Hindi ko alam kung bakit naka-itim na sunglasses sila when the sun was already setting. Hindi ba't ginagamit lang 'yon para i-shield ang mata mula sa sinag ng araw?

"Mom!" June exclaimed, her face going anxious. "Papunta na sana ako sa parking lot but there was a problem with my friend."

I felt happy when she implied that I was her friend.

Her mother's gaze landed on us and stayed on Renée, who seemed to have stiffened after their arrival. Siguro natatakot din si Ree sa mga malalaking tao.

If they ever attack us, the sun is our only answer and weapon. They must be weak against it.

"Oh? The Villamor's are your friend, then?"

I blinked when she said Renée's last name. Kumunot naman ang noo si June at binigyan ako ng nagtatanong na tingin.

"Finn, is your last na-"

"She's not my friend. Do not go into assumptions, Mrs. Velasquez."

Nagulat kaming dalawa sa sinabi ni Renée. She was looking back at June's mother with a fierce stare. Sinamaan naman siya ng tingin ni June at inirapan.

"Did your mother teach you to lie, child? I'll believe in my own kid." nakangiting saad ng ina ni June. "As much as I want to continue discussing our future partnership, we must go or we will be late for a dinner party. Julianne, let's go."

Hindi na sumagot pa si Renée at nanatili lang na blanko ang mukha niya. It was very strange and scary for me because I have never seen Ree without her sweet and gentle smile.

"Yes, Mom." mahinang sagot ni June at bumaling sa'kin nang nakangiti. "Bye, Finn! Let's play games someday-!"

"Julianne! Ang sabi ko bilisan mo na!"

I watched as June struggled to chase after her mother, running and ignoring the way she trips. Isang ngiti ang sumilay sa labi ko dahil mukhang nagkaroon naman ako ng bagong kaibigan-

"Lumayo ka sa kaniya, Finn."

Natigilan ako sa sinabi ni Renée. Nilingon ko siya sa pag-aakalang joke niya lang 'yon, but her face was serious.

"Why...?"

"They're not a family you should trust. Sila ang mga Velasquez, isa sa mga mayayaman na pamilya dito sa atin ngunit marami silang ginagawang mali. Mommy said they're opportunists."

I tilted my head, not knowing the word. "Opportunists?"

"Masasamang tao sila na kukunin ang tiwala mo para gibain lang sa huli. They're..." she frowned. "... advantage taking? Take advantage? Para sa kanilang sarili."

"Kaya sabi mo hindi ka kaibigan?"

Renée huffed. "Well, she really is not my friend! Tapos sabi ni Mommy hindi daw ako pwedeng lumapit o makipagkaibigan sa kanila kasi sila ang reason kung bakit naghihirap pamilya ni Baste."

I don't really understand their adult stuff but I guess they were bad guys.

But June wasn't one of them. June can't do those things because she was only a kid.

Kahit na anong pilit ko rin namang umiwas ay wala akong magagawa kung hindi ang bumalik, especially when I see June attend school injured. Sa ngayon ay namumula ang kaliwang pisngi niya at may cut sa ilalim ng mata.

"Ang hirap mapatay no'ng boss!" June loudly sighed, stretching in the bleachers.

"Mm." I agreed, taking the first-aid kit in my bag. "June. Take care of wounds."

"Hindi naman masyadong masakit." nagkibit-balikat siya't ngumisi. "Mom's already getting old, I guess. Her slap doesn't sting any more."

"Doesn't matter. Still hurts."

I forced her to face the other way as I tried to clean the cut below her eyes. Mabuti na lang at palaging nadadapa si Baste at paborito ni Gavin ang sports kaya sanay na ako sa paglilinis ng sugat. Renée taught me how to do it so she could nag as I take care of their wounds.

June let a small chuckle out, shutting her phone down to close her eyes. Nandoon pa rin ang pasa nang suntukin siya ng Kuya niya noong nakaraan. Gano'n din ang band-aid na nasa noo niya when her mother banged her head to the sink nang sobra itong magalit.

I told her to report it to the police because this was already bad. This was violence and child abuse, but she told me that it was of no use. Because her family governs the whole police station. Kahit sa record ay hindi nila ilalagay iyon.

Not now that her Kuya is running for the elections.

Dumako ang tingin ko sa kamay niya. I felt my heart break when I saw another cut on her wrist. It was still fresh, a new addition to the lines that scarred her beautiful skin.

"'m sorry."

June laughed bitterly. "Anong ginawa mong kasalanan para magsorry?"

"Useless. Can't help you."

There was a shift in June's face, one of defeat and exhaustion. Binitawan ko ang mukha niya. June let out a heavy sigh and looked up.

"You can help me. Kailangan kong makipagkaibigan kay Gavin at Renée."

But I can't do that too because I know why they're staying away from your family. Sebastian's family already suffered at your hands, but you're also suffering.

Hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin at pipiliin.

June glanced at me when I didn't respond. "As usual, silence's your answer."

Sasagot na sana ako nang isang tawag ang kumuha ng atensiyon ko. I stood up and saw Renée jogging towards us. She looked pretty in her cheer uniform, para sa dance na gagawin nila ng kaibigan niya this coming festival. Behind her, Gavin only gave me a wave, joining his fellow athletes on the field to play mock football.

"Ree." nakangiti kong bati nang makalapit.

"Finn! I have something to tell you about pala. So if Tita Layla won't be home mamaya, you can just go to our-"

"Hi, Renée!" June cheerily said, waving her hand at the girl.

"-house, okay? Tapos, tatanungin ko rin si Mommy and Tita if we can have a sleepover! Iyong wala ang mga boys!"

It felt awkward when Renée continued to talk to me while she just obviously ignored June's existence. Tumango na lang ako dahil taimtim na nakatitig si Ree sa'kin.

"Oh, June! Nandito ka pala. We were looking for you kaninang lunch!" a girl named Tasha said, smiling.

Kaninang lunch... June went to the bathroom because her stomach was complaining. Hindi naman pala siya pinakain kagabi at kaninang umaga kaya siguro nagulat ang tiyan niya kanina.

June laughed. "Sorryy! I went to the library kasi may pinakitang new book si Finn sa'kin. We just had lunch after!"

Mirabelle, a classmate of ours, flickered a glance and a quick once-over at me before smiling. "Ah, gano'n ba? Sumama ka na sa'min next, okay? Oo nga pala. You know a new mall is opening so baka gusto mong i-check out?"

"Of course! I'm free sa weekend. Papasundo ko na lang kayo sa driver."

"Yey! We really love you, June!" Tasha linked her arms with Renée. "By the way, aalis na kami to practice our dance. It's such a pity that you didn't want to join us! Magaling ka pa namang sumayaw, June!"

"It's alright. We're visiting my Lola in Spain kasi at the time of the festival so I decided not to join."

That was a lie. June really wanted to join the festival dance but she couldn't because of a sprained ankle. Nagalit ang Mama niya nang makitang inignora lang sa publika si June ni Renée, pagkatapos sabihin nitong magkalapit na kaibigan ang Velasquez at Villamor. So in her blind rage, she pushed June off their stairs.

June was broken. It was evident at the way her eyes longingly watched over the girls who walked away. She's broken inside and out.

Her change was visible at hindi ko alam pero mas naging attentive siya sa lahat ng galaw ko. Even if Gavin and Renée doesn't pay her any attention, she wants to hear stories about them and won't stop bugging them.

I know why she's doing that. It's to escape her fate.

But am I really ready to help her with Renée and Gavin when I know the result?

Hindi ko naman alam kung anong ginagawa nila, at alam kong gano'n din si June. We don't know their goals and the things they'll do and if I do, I wouldn't understand it a lot. Ang alam ko lang ay kailangang magkalayo sila para hindi masira ang buhay nina Renée.

Pero paano kung buhay naman ni June ang nasisira?

"June! Bakit mo sinabing ikaw ang nagdraw? You know it's a lie!" I confronted her about the board drawing one day.

June slapped my hand away, glaring at me. "Ano ba naman, Finn. Kahit sa simpleng bagay na 'yan, aawayan natin? Ano naman kung sinabi kong ako ang gumawa. May mawawala ba sa'yo?"

"You shouldn't lie."

"Ay, kasi napakaperfect mo 'no?"

I stopped at her words. Hinarap niya ako nang may matinding galit at nakakuyom ang kamao. Her left hand has a bandage, which I think was the reason why she was gone for a week.

"For months, Finn, you told me you'll help me! Ang kailangan ko lang naman ay maging kaibigan nina Renée at Gavin! But they won't even offer a glance at my direction!" she shouted, voice breaking. "Every day that happens, my life shortens, alam mo ba 'yon?! You said you'll help me, but you're not doing anything! You're just standing there!"

"I-"

"Hindi ko pwedeng masabi 'to kahit kanino because it'll backfire to me! While the only person I could depend on gives me hopeless promises! Why, Finn?! Why?!" lumapit siya sa'kin at tinulak ako paupo. "I could have anything in the world, while you had everything in your world stolen, pero bakit parang mas angat ka pa sa'kin?! Why are you happier when you don't have any parents?! When you're responsible for Kuya Gabriel's death?!"

I was speechless. I could take her words for me helping her without really taking action. Pero ano nga ba ang magagawa ng isang batang ako sa pamilya niyang masyadong maimpluwensiya? They could make us leave the city if they so pleases.

But the other words... I never imagined she had such thoughts.

"Bakit mas marami kang talento? Bakit na kahit gano'n, you're also smart?! Bakit parang kinuha mo na ang lahat ng gifts sa mundo kahit na dapat ay umiiyak ka lang sa tabi! I'm the richer and most deserving one, Finn, so why am I the broken of us two?!"

"You're not-"

"You killed a lot of people! You're not that pretty to have Gavin chasing after you! Bakit ba ikaw lang ang pinapansin nila at bakit ba parang isa kang dyamante kahit na bato ka lang naman?! Bakit ba kahit sa laro na tanging escape ko ay ikaw pa rin ang bida?! Bakit ba dumating ka lang sa buhay ko para sirain 'to?! And why can't anyone ever ruin your life?!"

That's not true.

Hinatak ako ni June, tears streaming down her face without rest. "I'm the one who should help you because you're supposed to be nothing, Finn!"

My heart just fell and break at the whole interaction.

"Sabihin mo, bakit, you're the one who lost everything, so why am I the loser?"

Malakas siyang humikbi at lumuwag ang kapit niya sa uniform ko. Yumuko siya't humina ang boses, pero gumagalaw pa rin ang balikat dahil sa malakas na paghikbi.

"Why do you have everything I want, for free, when you have no family, while I have to practically beg for a scrap of love from them?"

It was her bottle going full and finally breaking.

For desperate envy has a bruised heart that could never be healed.

-chapter end-

hahaha kamusta ethics at morals natin diyan?