-chapter eighty-three-

FINN

When I opened my eyes, I found myself standing in the center of a meadow.

A field of daisies surrounded me and the wind blew my hair. Napaka-asul ng langit na minsa'y may dinadalang ulap. This is so different from the deserted cities with bloodied sky in the game, but it's similarly familiar with the ninth city where I found Belle.

Walang katao-tao sa lugar. There's only the valley of flowers that never ends. Kahit na tumakbo ako papunta saan, walang umiiba sa paligid ko.

Until I turned around and there stood two people I never imagined I'd meet again.

Parang biglang bumuhos ang lahat. Ang sakit at lungkot na itinago ko sa isang kahon ay nasira't nabuksan. Patuloy ang pag-agos ng luha sa mga mata ko at panandaliang nawalan ng lakas ang mga tuhod. All the things that I've been carrying and holding just flowed out. Na parang tuluyan nang nawasak ang pader na pumipigil sa kanila.

"Oh, Finley, baby. We're sorry."

At the voice, I broke down like I was a child again.

Na parang isang batang malaya na i-express ang gusto niya. Na umiyak kapag malungkot at tumawa kapag sobrang saya. I just let go of my emotions.

"Mama... Papa..." I whispered, teary eyes looking up. Lumapit sila pero parang may nasa pagitan namin na hindi pwedeng lagpasan.

There's a slight temptation in the line that is forbidden to be crossed.

"Finn." Papa's voice was so soft. "What are you doing here?"

Hindi ako nakasagot sa kaniya. Oo nga, anong ginagawa ko dito?

I remember fighting. Naalala ko din ang nakakahilong sakit na nararamdaman ko habang nakikipaglaban. I knew my body was already at its limit dahil hindi ko rin pala natreat ang mga sugat ko sa likod. It was really a matter of life and death for me. And I found both of the two consequences to be enough.

Natatandaan kong naitulak ako. The pain that I felt on my stomach then suddenly shot up. At bigla na lang dumilim ang paligid.

When I woke up, I found myself here.

I can kind of understand what's happening now. Maybe I was really brought here for a reason. Siguro panahon na rin para makapagpahinga ako 'no? Or to just feel peace?

"Ano naman kaya ang pumasok sa utak ng batang 'to."

I froze at the familiar voice. Nang i-angat ko ang mata ay nagkatinginan kami ni Kuya Gabriel. Doon nakonpirma lahat ng naisip ko kanina. Ang peaceful ambience na nandirito at ang mga taong hindi ko na dapat makita pa ay malayo sa ordinaryo.

"Ba't ka nandito?" mala-strikto niyang tanong. "Hindi ka dapat nasa lugar na 'to."

"He's right, Finn. You shouldn't be here." sang-ayon ni Mama.

"... Why?" mahina kong tanong.

If it's this peaceful here and I can be with you again, why should I leave? Bakit kailangan nating magkalayo uli?

"Because you're meant to live, darling. You're meant to be out there challenging other people and fighting for your beliefs."

"Pero..."

But the three of you symbolizes how I should have died two times already. In the car crash and in my running-away incident. Dapat ay namatay na ako doon sa car crash, at gano'n din nang lumabas ako sa city namin. Kuya Gabriel ran after me, since he was the patrolling guard, and that's when the accident happened. He successfully pushed me out of harm's way but ended up endangering himself.

"Kagaya ng sabi ko sa'yo noong nasa hospital ako, Finn. If you don't want the thought of me dying because of you, and you want to take responsibility for it, kahit na hindi mo naman kasalanan. Then you can compensate for protecting the people close to you or me." dagdag ni Kuya.

Mama cupped my face. She looked at me like she knows what I'm thinking. "You've been using it as a punishment for years, Finn. You treated living like something you're paying for. But it's not. You're free to live. You're free to dream. You're free to want. Kagaya nila, kaya mong gawin ang gusto mo-"

"Basta't alam mo lang din ang limitations mo." pahabol ni Papa.

Iniwas ko ang tingin. "What do you want me to do?"

"What do you want to do?"

Mama's question remained even as their presence disappeared. The blue sky gloomed and it rained blood. It tainted the beautiful daisies all around. Nilipad ng hangin ang petals ng mga bulaklak. It was a chaos of something peaceful and not. And it also reflected the current storm in my mind.

May gusto nga ba talaga akong gawin?

Yes, I treated living as a means to repay my sins - for failing to help those close to me. For being responsible for Kuya Gabriel's death and June's destruction. The loneliness was a punishment. Then, I used games as a breather. I used them as both a remembrance and a bitter memory when I used to happily play with June and Kuya. They were a reminder of my sins.

Tapos ang pagstream na inintroduce ni Eura. I didn't know what to do after games, and what she said made me think — What if I use this to help people? It may be a small thing compared to failing June, but it may be alright. Kagaya ng sabi ni Mama na small things matter din naman.

I never expected my channel to go big. It was never meant to build popularity and money. Isa lang iyong hobby na ginamit sa paraang makakatulong sa iba. So I never touched the money except when I need it for upgrading my equipment gears. I never entertained sponsorships or other gamers.

I completely separated the Sparrow everyone idolized to the Finn who have plenty of sins.

Gano'n lang rin naman kasimple ang buhay ko. It's a cycle of waking up, going to school, hanging with my three friends, playing games and streaming. I didn't have big dreams like Gavin or Renée. I didn't have anything I so desired. I've always treated my wants as something small and irrelevant.

So what do I really want to do?

"Is she okay? Siguraduhin mong magiging maayos siya or help me Lord, baka makasama niyo si Dorothy sa isang tornado."

"Talagang nagreference ka pang gago ka, pero tangina, Anne. Ayusin mo 'yang ginagawa mo ha. Totostahin kita 'pag 'di maayos lagay niya."

"Alam niyo, kung wala naman kayong gagawing dalawa pero magthreaten lang- lumabas kayo."

"Kairo's right. Please don't pressure me. She's already stabilizing."

"Finley... Come back here. I can't lose another one of my bestfriends again."

There were a couple of loud voices around me. 'Yon ang mga narinig ko bago ako biglang nagising. I sucked in a deep breathe as my eyes slowly opened. My head was still slightly throbbing at may konting sakit pa rin ang katawan ko, but it was much better than before.

The blurred lights in a dirty ceiling first entered my vision. Then, Gavin's brown hair inserted itself at sunod ko na lang nakita ay ang naiiyak niyang mukha.

"She's awake." an unfamiliar voice said.

Before I could see who talked, napaloob na ako sa isang mahigpit na yakap. Gavin's arms were tightly holding me, na para bang ayaw niyang mawala ang kung ano mang nasa harap niya. He tucked his head to my neck, his body vibrating with his anxiousness.

"Tinakot mo 'ko." he complained in my ear with his shaking voice. "I'm so glad you're back."

"'m sorry." I whispered.

My eyes accidentally looked up and I met Kairo's eyes. Nasa likod lang siya't nakatitig sa'min. He didn't make any move to get closer even as our eyes met. Pero kahit na parang may maskara siyang isinuot sa mukha, his eyes could never betray the relieved emotion I found.

Suddenly, Gavin was pushed away at ang nakita ko ay ang sumisinghot na Maki at sinisipon na Eura. Humagulgol ang dalawa sa harap ko at hinawakan ang bawat kamay na para bang mawawala na ako the next second.

"Girl!" sigaw ni Maki sa'kin. "Kakabesties pa lang natin tapos iiwanan mo pa ako! Anong trip mong gawin sa'kin? Maging isang widowed bestie? Maawa ka naman sa face ko at magkakawrinkles ako niyan dala ng lungkot!"

"Arte mo, che, tabi ka nga!" Eura nudged Maki away. "Finn, I am so sorry! Sorry na sorry na sorry na sorry sa lahat ng sorry sa sorry ng mundo! I can understand kung hindi mo ako mapapatawad pero okay lang- okay lang magalit ka basta huwag mo lang gawin ulit 'yon, okay?! Baka may mapatay akong buwan dahil diyan!"

"Talagang may papatayin tayong buwan, ugok ka. Walang-hiyang hunyo 'yan. Alam ko nang bad omen siya dahil diyan nagsisimula ang classes natin."

"Aba, girl, kung ayaw mong umattend ng class, huwag mo akong idamay."

Umirap si Maki sa sinabi ni Eura. "Maka-asta 'to, akala mo naman first honor-"

"She's one of the top students at our school." Kairo interrupted leaving Maki in a shocked state. Binigyan naman siya ni Eura ng isang smug look.

A small chuckle first left my mouth before it turned into a laugh. Nakita kong natigilan sila't napatitig na lang sa'kin. Siguro sobrang weird kong tingnan at naiisip na nilang baliw ako, pero hindi ko mapigilang tumawa.

What do I want to do? I don't know yet. Siguro kailangan ko pa ng oras para isipin 'yan.

Pero ano ang ayaw kong mangyari? Iyon ay ang mawala ulit ang kasalukuyang nangyayari ngayon. It's losing these faces and their smiles, their voices and the tone of their laughs. It's losing these lively conversations and banters once again.

Ayokong mangyari ulit ang nangyari noon. So maybe, I'd still protect the people around me.

But this will be a different kind of protection. It's not to serve my punishment, but to really do what I want so that I won't lose them again.

"'m sorry." sambit ko pero wala pa rin sila masyadong reaksiyon. They're still staring at me like idiots. "Promise to be careful."

Isang minutong dumaan ang katahimikan sa pagitan namin. I blinked as I waited for their faces to have some sort of reaction. Then, it all happened at once.

Iniwas ni Kairo ang tingin at tinakpan ang bibig. Gavin returned my smile. Eura gave a little squeal. At parang kumikinang na ang mata ni Maki at ng isang hindi ko kilalang tao.

"Ah, ito nga pala si Anne. Doctor siya sa labas kaya alam niyang gagawin sa'yo, tsaka may healing na aspect din pala ang water magic kaya nagamit niya." Gavin answered my silent question.

Tumango ako. "Thank you." I said with a soft smile.

"Nako, okay lang." Anne laughed awkwardly. "Kung ikaw ba naman, kaya kong magwork for free. Ang tanging stressor ko lang naman ay ang dalawang malalaki ang bunganga."

Hindi ko na kailangang magtanong para malaman kung sino sila.

I gave her another nod of thanks before slowly getting up. Agad namang nagsiliparan ang mga kamay nila para pigilan ako.

"At anong ginagawa mo, Madam? Hindi ka pa pwedeng tumayo!" saway ni Maki.

I tilted my head at him, flexing my wrists and showing to him that I'm okay. Hindi naman masyadong masakit ang katawan ko at konting kirot na lang. I don't need to just stay in and rest.

"No, no, Finn." Eura also helped in stopping me. "You just survived a life and death situation, and we won't let you get up anytime soon. 'Di ba, Anne?"

Tumango ang babae. "Oo. Mabuti pang magpahinga ka muna. At least about an hour."

"But 'm okay." kontra ko. "Don't you believe in your healing capabilities?"

Anne was stunned silent. Bumukas at sumara ang bibig niya na parang hindi makapag-decide sa sasabihin, kaya tumango na lang siya.

"I mean, kung tingin mo okay ka na, e'di okay ka na." napipilitan niyang sagot.

"Hoy, Anne! Anong pinagsasabi mo diyan?! Hindi pa okay si Finn!"

"Nasa game tayo, Eura, saka may alam mo naman kung paano gumana ang magic ko. Kung tingin niya okay na siya, e'di okay na."

Gavin intercepted between the two before their argument could grow. "Pero, bakit ka ba nagmamadali, Finn? You can stay here for a while. May natitira pang oras bago matapos ang first day."

Umiling ako't tumayo. This time, wala na silang nagawa para pigilan ako.

"Lot of things can change. I... I also have something to check."

Gusto kong makausap si Sapphire.

"Pupunta ba tayo sa alyansa natin? Sige, sasama ako." ani Maki.

Before he could walk towards me, Kairo's hand stopped him. "Mauna ka na doon. May pag-uusapan pa kami ni Finn."

"Hoy, Kairo, siguraduhin mong maayos ang lagay ni Finn ha. O talagang matotosta ang buhay mo sa flamethrower ko 'pag may narinig akong 'di maganda-"

Gavin's hand immediately covered Eura's unyielding hand. Binigyan niya kami ng isang awkward na ngiti.

"Mag-ingat ka, Finn. Ingatan mo bestfriend ko, Kairo." biglang lumalim ang boses niya nang si Kairo na ang sinabihan. "Ayaw mong matikman ang suntok ko."

Kairo didn't even bat an eye at them and dragged me out. I just gave them a small wave with a promise to meet again as I walked outside. Lumabas kami sa isang madilim na alley. Mukhang itong totoong base nina Kairo ay nasa pinakaliblib na lugar ng kung saang distrito man ito.

"Making sure I don't spread where your base is located?" I meekly asked.

Kairo only answered with a small smirk, pushing me to walk first. Nagulat ako sa naging ugali niya. Dumaan ang ilang minuto at malayo na ang nilakad namin na wala pa rin siyang sinasabi. But I was kind of secured and safe because there were no dangerous tension around Kairo. Still, I could feel that something was bothering him.

We were nearing the main street when I couldn't feel Kairo's presence. Napahinto ako. I was about to turn around and look at him when someone embraced me.

Kairo's breathing was hot against my ears. Mahigpit ang pagkakayakap niya sa'kin. Our position made me realize just how taller and bigger than me he really is. He shifted and I could feel something press in the back of my head.

"I was very worried, kitten." he whispered, kissing my hair. "Please don't do that again. I could never handle losing you."

-chapter end-

hihi *hinampas ng tsinelas*