CASPIAN

I find comfort in silence.

Before it was the books, the patio swing in our garden, the low volume of the video game and the slow pouring of the rain. Then it was her ㅡ the way she lives with consideration, beauty and silence. How the wind loves to caress her hair and how the leaves fall just to kiss her cheek. How the forest rest and the world quiets when we're together.

And how it was also maddeningly loud the moment we separated from each other.

It was a quiet noise, a silence so loud I almost hated the place I was comfortable in.

When I woke up, it was with a cold sweat. My heart thundered erratically against my chest, my mind lost and confused as I took in the white room. When I stepped out into the hallways, it was as if everything that has shattered were glued back together.

However, a broken glass couldn't be fixed anymore. The cracks would always show.

"Caspian..."

I took a deep breath before dragging my eyes towards Finn.

"Are you alright?"

I smiled and nodded. Am I alright?

I spent the past few weeks unable to sleep. It was a couple of months after the game ended and the group had a little reunion, courtesy by Dierran who managed to snatch his woman forever then. Siguro dahil sa halatang pamumutla ko o sa naglalakihang eyebags sa mata. Oliver also sent me worried glances on the way here, and whenever I try to catch him, he avoids like I'm holding a gun to his head.

Simula noong mamatay ako sa game, I haven't been able to sleep normally. Kapag nakakatulog ng malalim ay bigla akong nagigising may panaginip man o wala. I hated the silence that my dreamless nights had to offer. The noise of the dark was so excruciatingly loud that I fear a mirror shattering would sound from any direction. I hated the nights when I had dreams because they would always turn to be nightmares. I would find myself back in an endless hall of mirrors that would shatter and pierce through my skin.

Those nights when I have insomnia and couldn't study due to migraines, I spend them in a bus that tours around the city.

Sumasakay ako tuwing Friday night dahil mayroon akong enough na oras para makababa sa linggo at makapag-ayos para sa lunes na klase... and at the same time, I'd have enough time for myself.

"O, nonoy, saan ka na naman bababa? Ikot ka uli?" the driver asked when he saw me in my usual seat, second row at the back. "Dadaan kami sa may fishing town ngayon tapos labas sa may mountainside, mahal na babayaran mo 'pag ikot talaga."

"Okay lang, Manong. I can pay."

He laughed and lightly teased me because of the arrogance. We left the terminal twenty minutes after, once the fifteen passenger has already settled in.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit nagiging komportable ako dito, pero naaalala ko ang unang pagsakay ko sa bus. It was after a stressful exam week. Nakita ko na lang ang sarili na naglalakad palabas ng school. Iniwan ko ang kotse sa loob at nag-ikot-ikot hanggang sa makita ko ang bus terminal.

The bus wasn't silent, even when it was obviously is. Naririnig ko pa rin ang pagdaan ng hangin, ang mga nag-uusap na tao sa labas kapag humihinto, at ang mga maiingay na tunog ng ibang sasakyan. Naririnig ko pa rin ang bulungan ng mga pasahero sa likod ko, ang usapan ng driver at ng kaibigan niya tungkol sa kalagayan ng city, at ang laging ginagawa ng babaeng katabi ko.

"Hindi, wait..." she clicked her neck, exhaling harshly. "Sure na sure akong binili ko ng spareribs ang one-hundred fifty at ice cream 'yong isa pang fifty pero thirty lang naman 'yon kaya bakit ang natirang pera sa'kin ay..."

Umayos ako sa pagkakaupo at itinukod ang kamay sa bintana. I covered my mouth with the raised palm, angling my head towards the window even if I was looking sideways at her. Nakatulong naman ang mahabang buhok ko para itago ang lihim na pagtitig.

There were a lot of people in the bus because it was rush hour and she had to sit next to me again. Nakabunghay ang buhok niyang abot-dibdib. I've always liked how her hair is so black and smoothㅡ I once accidentally touched her hair because of a sudden stop. Strands of it were tucked in her right ear, showing me the opal diamond she wore. At mula sa dress niya ay galing siya sa isang party siguro... or a hang-out with friends.

The first time I saw her, she was on her work clothes, muttering about something.

"Gago 'yon, ah. Anong akala niya sa'kin? Maid niya? Makautos akala mo naman ginawa na niya ang earth! Utusan daw ba akong kumuha ng tubig sa gitna ng meeting tapos tatanungin sa'kin anong nangyari no'ng wala ako?! Tanga ba siya?!"

Puno ng galit at lakas ang bawat pagtipa niya sa cellphone. She was writing in some kind of a diary, not even minding the person beside her.

The second time I met her, her hair was in a messy bun at pagkaupo ay agad niyang kinagat ang tinapay.

"Tangina, nagpalibre pa sila tapos birthday ko? 'Di ba dapat sila magbigay ng gift kasi ako may birthday? Ano na ba ang nangyari sa mundong 'to at nagkapalitan na ata ng role in life!"

One of the memorable moments was when she complained about a recent event in her company.

"Nakakainis talaga ang mga taong magaling lang sa pagpapakalat ng fake news! Nakita lang kami ni Simon na magkasama, kami na agad? Hindi pwedeng nagkasabay lang kumuha ng kape? Walang'ya! Ang bilis sa chismis tapos 'yong pinapagawa kong section sa kanila 'di matapos-tapos!"

She was one of the person whose noise did not make me irritated. In fact, I have a little smile whenever she starts to nag about something, her voice completely replacing all other noise. We never talked. Siya lang lagi ang nagsasalita dahil napakadaldal niya. Kung hindi sa mga kasama niyang nirereklamo, nagra-rage naman siya sa mga teammates niya sa isang MOBA game.

Tonight, the crescent moon that was slightly hidden by the clouds gave way to a colder air. When she glanced my way, I pretended to sleep by closing my eyes.

"Bakit kaya lagi ko na lang katabi ang lalaking 'to?" she wondered, her voice quiet but audible. "Ayoko sa mga lalaki pero buti na lang gwapo siya."

"Do you believe in pretty privileges?"

Kahit ang driver ay nagulat dahil sa pagsigaw ng babae. Her eyes widened upon realizing that I wasn't a sleeping robot, and I could talk and move.

"You are giving me handsome privileges," I have no idea where I took the guts to continue that.

She frowned. "Pinagsasabi mo?"

"You don't like boys but you would sit next to me dahil gwapo ako. You are giving me unfair, handsome privileges."

Ilang segundo niya rin akong tinitigan bago siya tumawa ng malakas. "Manong! Okay na po, tama na ang prank. Maganda naman ata acting ko do'n."

"Ano, ineng? Anong acting?"

"Manong, prank po 'to?"

"Hindi ko alam kung anong prank, ineng."

"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you." sinsero kong tugon. "I was only giving my two cents since you said something... funny."

"Well, wala akong pangbalik ng two cents sa'yo. Ubos na pera ko."

"I didn't need the change anyway."

Isang masamang tingin ang ipinukol niya dahil sa naging sagot ko. Umayos siya ng upo at medyo iniwas sa'kin ang katawan, showing me how she doesn't want to continue the conversation anymore. I didn't press on and respected her decision. I didn't want her to become uncomfortable because of me.

"Gwapo sana, papansin naman." she whispered under her breath.

I hid my smile.

The following week, I didn't have any trouble sleeping. There were still times where the blood and shattered glass would flash on my mind but it would quickly fade away, replaced by the city lights that I often pass by. The pain in my body and the fear in my mind has been calmed by the stars in the night skies when we travel between the farm fields.

The girl that was running to save me was slowly becoming a blur...

"There are a lot of seats."

Agad siyang natigilan pagkaupo. She tried not to look around but her eyes roamed the seats around us. Marami nga namang bakante sa bus ngayon at walang umuupo sa harap namin, pero dito pa rin siya umupo sa tabi ko.

"Pakialam mo ba. Nasanay ako dito, eh." she made an excuse while not trying to get up from her seat.

"You must have enjoyed my presence."

Umirap lang siya sa sinabi ko at isinuot ang earphones.

I didn't know her name. I assumed her to be a year younger than me because I once saw her in a university uniform, so I figured that her work clothes was due to her part-time work. Maingay siya... pero ang magandang pag-iingay naman. She complains a lot but it sounds entertaining and interesting to my ears.

I guess I've always been a listener.

Probably why I never realized just how much Oliver was hurting.

It was a bad night. I had a hard time sleeping because all I could see was blood and her and death and the unending mirrors. I felt claustrophobic in my condo. It was like the darkness and the walls were caving in, trapping me in my bed. It also felt like everything would just crack like the glass mirrors, shattering into pieces before piercing through me.

I didn't even know when it kicked in... but maybe it was the news of my first love who will officially be taken away from me.

I boarded the bus but she wasn't there. So I went to a bar for a drink, alone.

I still have no idea if it was a good or a bad thing that I dropped by Oliver after. I heard Kairo complaining about my cousin not showing up and about a certain girl that wouldn't let him live, so I decided to check up on him. I never realized na ako din ang isa sa machi-check up.

"I'm... I think I'm a bit traumatized. Sa nangyari doon sa game." saad ko nang magsimula kaming uminom. "Every thing was just so hard after. I lost the grip of reality and I often find myself questioning... kung totoo nga ba lahat ng 'to. Kung buhay nga ba ako. Kung nandito nga ba talaga ako at kasama kayo."

I licked my lower lip. Huminga ako ng malalim bago nagpatuloy dahil hindi ako sanay sa mga ganito. I wasn't always one for opening up. Hindi naman sa hindi ako dumedepende kay Oliver kaya hindi ko sinasabi ang problema ko... hindi lang ako sanay na nagsasalita tungkol doon. Mas normal para sa'kin ang makinig sa mga hinaing niya at itrato ang positibo niyang reaksiyon bilang akin din.

Yes, I do depend on him. I depend on his strength and ability to freely interact with others. I depend on his strength to positively face the day. I depend on his honesty and courage to lay out his feelings. Dahil ako? Hindi ko kayang makipag-usap lang sa kahit kanino. Hindi ko kayang maging positibo sa lahat ng bagay at mas lalong wala akong sapat na tapang para sabihin ang mga problema. To cope up with my problems and stresses, I often just observe other people.

Si Oliver ang isa sa mga taong 'yon. I always try my best to help him better his mood because I depend on his energy.

Kahit ngayon, siya ang tumutulong sa'kin. His decision to face the silent problem between us broke the chains that shackled my heart. Because I know that in this world... the first one to know everything would be my cousin and vice versa.

He is everything to me.

"Caspian..." I looked up at Diana who called my name. "May sasabihin sana akong importante sa'yo mamaya. Pwede ka bang makipagkita sa'kin... sa hapon?"

Diana's a pretty and smart girl. Mabait din siya at maunawa sa mga tao kaya halos lahat ay may gusto sa kaniya. Alam ko ring isa na doon ang pinsan ko.

Kaya umiling ako dahil alam ko na ang patutunguhan nito. "I'm sorry. I don't want any girlfriends."

I met my cousin's eye from the other side of the field and he quickly avoided my gaze. The following evening, I received a nagging from him and a couple suggestions that I should be with his crush.

I don't want to. Kung kaya niyang kalimutan ang pagkagusto sa babae para sa'kin, kaya ko din naman 'yon.

"Paano kung gusto din ng pinsan mo si Finn, Caspian?" tinanong iyon ni Depore nang nasa Treasure Island kami.

"What do you mean?"

"Paano ba kamo kung gusto din ng pinsan mo, ang mahanging Oliver na 'yon, si Finn?"

Then... he likes her. I never saw the signs before but if he seems happy with her then maybe I can... maybe I...

Can I forget her?

Can I give her, that woman who makes my heart ache beautifully, to my cousin?

Hindi ko alam ang magiging desisyon ko ng panahon na 'yon hanggang sa dumating sa puntong buhay ko na ang kapalit. I guess when I watched her run down the hall for me, the way that despair etched in her face, I knew that despite the similarities and compatibility we had... we weren't meant to be.

She can only be my first and greatest love but she'll have her own.

And I'll also have mine.

"Ah, parte pala kayo do'n sa larong 'yon? Hindi ko pinanood ang streams kasi ang brutal ng iba. The death scenes of the players were so shockingly real that it gave even the audience nightmares." tinapos niya ang pinoproblemang crossword at tiningnan ako. "Namatay ka do'n?"

I nodded, watching her hands tuck the paper away.

"So coping technique mo ang pagboard nitong bus?"

"And talking to you." I added.

"And talking to me," she quickly corrected. "Alam mo, usually, maa-annoy ang tao kapag reklamo ng reklamo ang katabi nila, pero nasisiyahan ka pa?"

"Pasensyahan mo na't wirdo ang insan ko, Ace." ani Oliver sa harap namin.

"Oh, eh, ikaw? Buhay ka naman pala until the end, bakit nandito ka rin?"

"Masarap kasi ang hangin," he grinned. "Saka paki mo ba?! Nagbo-bonding kami ni insan!"

Since I poured my heart out to Oliver, he has become extra clingy. We got more comfortable with each other and often times, he would accompany me on the bus. Kaya nakilala niya si Amber Chalice. I found out her name after a long bus ride where we tried to get to know each other.

I've never been with girls a lot before but I could be civil with them, opposed to my cousin whose sole problem is to continue conversations with women. However, I have been in one mutual relationship in junior high with a girl I admired due to her principles. Another woman who I greatly treasured was Finley who gave me peace.

The woman I loved the greatest first was currently sitting in front of me, pushing an invitation towards my direction.

"'Di ka sumama kay Oliver." she said, pertaining to the previous meeting with my cousin.

I gave an apologetic smile, tucking the card to the inner pockets of my coat.

"Sorry. Nagkaproblema ako."

Finn stared at me for a minute. Ang mga mata niyang nagbabasa ay halos magpakaba sa'kin. She's good at reading people, especially if they have problems or not, but to my surprise, hindi niya iyon tinanong. Instead, our darling smiled.

"Caspian... Alright?"

Two words. That's all it took for my heart to almost burst.

But a glimpse of dark brown hair at the front door calmed those emotions away.

"I've been fine these past few days, Finn. Nga pala, may gusto akong ipakilala sa'yo."

Her curious gaze then raised to the newly-arrived Ace who fidgeted at her presence. Pinaglabas ko siya ng upuan at halos matawa ako sa panginginig niya nang maupo.

"Why are you nervous?" I whispered.

"Sino bang hindi kakabahan kung siya ang kaharap mo?!" marahas niyang bulong sa'kin bago matamis na ngumiti kay Finley. "H-Hi! I'm Amber Chalice Viste but you can call me Ace."

"Finn."

Finley's short introduction seemed to made my girl more nervous. She was almost crushing my hand that she was holding beneath the table. Finley was only playing though but Ace couldn't particularly see the teasing in her eyes.

"Ah, oo, kilala kita!" she started to ramble. "Siyempre, ano... Hindi lang doon sa game mo, ah, pero dahil na rin sa ganda moㅡ I mean, wala ka namang social pero nasabi ni Caspian sa'kin na maganda ka. Si Oliver din. Maganda ka daw- at totoo naman! Gandang-ganda mo parang mababakla ako, hehe. Siyempre joke lang 'yon. Please don't be uncomfortable, I mean, valid din naman kung-"

She stopped when Finn chuckled, hiding her mouth with a palm. Tinapunan niya pa ako ng nanunuksong tingin bago nagsalita,

"Pretty." she complimented making Ace blush so hard.

It was my first love meeting my last. My peace colliding with my comfort.

We congratulated her in the wedding. Wes arrived after and we talked for a bit, while Ace gave our pre-wedding gift to Finn. It was a crystal hair clip with flower adornment, designed for bridal hair accessories. Ace picked it because it was right for the occasion, while mine had some slight sentiments. I did promise to take good care of her hair if we ever ended with each other... and this gift of mine is a promise that would take her down the aisle.

It was also a bit of my love guiding her to the man she will be promised forever, while I stand in the seats beside the woman I promised my life to.

That same night, I also gave my last love a diamond.

One that rightfully fits her ring finger too.