Summer of 1990

This one's about my love. My everything. But let's start from the beginning.

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I was just a dumb little teenager who quit college in the thought he could make it big. I was trying to become a rockstar, one of those who can play sold out arenas. But it was going to be a long, long way to get there.

But I was lucky. I was lucky because I got that meeting with that mysterious guy. He was ruling the sunset strip in that period of time, together with his band called London. He was no one else than Nikki Sixx, and I was going to be a part in his mysterious game. Nikki said his band would suck and he wanted an own band, a band, where he could have more of a leading role. And so he looked for musicians who had talent, and he somehow chose me. A young skinny lad who told him he could play the drums.

After a few months of searching for other band members, we had finally founded a band who could kick ass. Mötley Crüe. It consisted of an incredible guitar player, named Mick Mars, a cocky lead singer who got all the girls, called Vince Neil, Nikki fucking Sixx and me, Tommy Lee. We were the perfect definition of Sex, Drugs and Rock 'N' Roll.

The success came with the time, we were ruling the rock 'n' roll scene of LA after only a few weeks. After releasing a record we got even more noticed and could even make a music video for our single "Live Wire". The success machine rolled on and on, and now I'm finding myself having released five records in total, the last two of them, "Girls, Girls, Girls" and "Dr. Feelgood", being number 2 and number 1 on the billboard charts.

However, I started to see the danger which came along with the success. The band got totally out of control. Not that we ever were in control, but it got even worse than in the beginning. Vince had had a car accident in the December of 1984, in which one of our mates Razzle Dingley from Hanoi Rocks died.

Mick was diagnosed with Spondylitis ankylosans, a bone disease which made it very painful for him to move. Those circumstances caused him to become a hardcore alcoholic, to somehow numb his pain.

Nikki had had an O.D. in 1986 and 1987, he had become a junkie like no one had ever seen one. It was a miracle to the doctors how someone could have the luck to survive two overdoses. But I started to worry about him. Mostly because he didn't learn from dying twice. Nikki liked to dance with the devil, so he just continued doing drugs like nothing had ever happened.

He was my best friend after all and I sometimes even had done drugs together with him, which didn't help of course. I started to feel bad because of that and got sober as the first member of the band, trying to get the other three to rehab as well. Mick followed me after a while, getting sober and starting to work on new songs with me. Even Vince went to rehab after a few months, but Nikki was a problem. He didn't wanted to, he told me it would never work and that he would rather die again. I always tried to help him but he never let me. Until that one day in the winter of 1988.

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I softly knocked on Nikki's front door.

"Hello?" A muffled voice asked through the door, fearful but still kinda pissed off.

"Hey Nik, it's Tommy. Gonna let me in?"

The door creaked open and Nikki eyed me from behind his fluffy hair. He wasn't on drugs that time, I could tell that. But he didn't look very good. He was too skinny, it was like that because of the heroin. But in general, he looked better than he looked on the other days when I came over to look after him.

"What do ya want, T-bone? You're not getting me to rehab, are you?" His fearful and insecure voice asked again.

"No, I'm not Nik. I'm just wanting to spend time with my best friend, y'know"

I smiled softly at him and thought that I saw how his cheeks got slightly red, but I just banned that from my head. Why would he blush out of nowhere?

"Well, then come in Tom" He whispered and opened the door a little more, letting me enter his haunted house.

"Tommy, I have to show ya somethin'" Nikki said softly as we reached his living room. He was fumbling with his hands and avoided eye contact with me, I could tell that he was extremely nervous.

"Calm down Nik, what do ya wanna show me?"

He chuckled in a slightly nervous way and gestured me to sit down on the couch, what I did after a moment of looking at him. Somehow he started to fascinate me. Just the way he moved and...

What the hell man, how're ya thinkin' about your best friend? And why the hell are there... butterflies in your stomach when he smiles at you?

Trying to act like everything was normal, I waited for Nikki to return, what he did after a while. He had his acoustic guitar in his one hand and a cigarette in the other one. Finally he walked over to me, smiling embarrassedly.

"Okay... I just started to write some stuff again, and I already got somethin' good. So I just wanna show that to ya since you're already here right now" Nikki explained and my eyes lit up. He had tried to write something. He hadn't been sitting in his closet all day and had done smack.

"Alrighty then. Wanna start?"

After handing me his cigarette, he nodded and I smirked, the sight of him warming my heart. His jet black hair was covering his eyes and fell over his shoulders, while he bit his bottom lip nervously. His skinny body was covered just simply by the Nikki look, meant, tight black leather pants, black boots and a T-shirt with the sleeves cut off. Right now I started to look at that in a different way, I somehow started to find Nikki... attractive. Wait, what? Nikki is attractive. Really fucking hot honestly... And now, please stop Tommy. Um, well.

"I heard some kids telling me how they've lost all their faith, in the way
They've been talking world peace and the wars in the streets
The lines on their faces so deep
A revolution, or reach out and touch the day
We're overdue, child
Change, now it's time for change
Nothing stays the same, now it's time for change
Change, now it's time for change
Nothing stays the same
Oh no..." Nikki sang while playing the guitar and my jaw dropped. He could sing, of course not like Vince, but he was a good singer with that deep, a little raspy voice. The sound of it sent shivers down my spine as I soaked up every moment of that little concert he gave me.

"I feel the future in the hands of our youth will be save, no more lies
Old tired fools tell our future with tarot cards, and lie of crime
The lines on their faces so deep
A revolution, or reach out and touch the day
We're overdue, child
Change, now it's time for change
Nothing stays the same, now it's time for change
I'll change
I'll change
Not tomorrow, but today
Change, now it's time for change
Nothing stays the same, now it's time for change..." He continued to sing and finally stopped, nervously looking up at me. I smiled widely and clapped, thinking about what the song could mean to him and how you could interpret the lyrics. Somehow I hoped it was about his addiction and that he wanted to change the life he was living at the moment.

"Nik, that was just so amazing! You have to show that to Vince and Mick!"

I chuckled and smiled as he blushed, looking down. He was such a cutie...

Oh, what the fucking fuck Tommy? Are you having some kind of feelings for him? Well, possibly...

"And Tommy? Can I play one more?" Nikki asked even more nervous than before. I just nodded, smiling soothingly at him.

"Without you, there's no change
My nights and days are gray
If reached out and touched the rain, it just wouldn't feel the same
Without you, I'd be lost
I'd slip down from the top
I'd slide down so low, girl you'd never, never know
Without you, without you
A sailor lost at sea
Without you, woman
The world comes down on me..." The lyrics caused tears to form in my eyes as I imagined Nikki singing it to some woman. I just wished, I would be in that place and the lyrics were only meant for me. But that wasn't the reality of course.

"Without you, in my life
I'd slowly wilt and die
But with you by my side, you're the reason I'm alive
But with you in my life, you're the reason I'm alive
But without you, without you..." Nikki had locked his eyes on mine that time, me noticing how green his eyes were for the first time. Green like a wide meadow, green like the northern polar lights. But also a little dangerous, green like poison. In either way, I just continued to listen to that deep voice, singing such beautiful lyrics.

"Without you, my hope is small
Let me be me all along
Let the fires rage inside, knowing someday I'll grow strong
Without you, without you
A sailor lost at sea
Without you, woman
The world comes down on me
Without you, in my life
I'd slowly wilt and die
But with you by my side, you're the reason I'm alive
But with you in my life, you're the reason I'm alive
But without you, without you
I could face a mountain, but I could never climb alone
I could start another day, but how many just don't know
You're the reason the sun shines down, and the nights, they don't grow cold
Only you that I'll hold when I'm young, only you... as we grow old..." That song was my new favourite. It was just so beautiful, I couldn't describe the feelings Nikki was giving to me as he sang that song. I wanted to clap, but then noticed that he wasn't completely done.

"Without you, in my life
I'd slowly wilt and die
But with you by my side, you're the reason I'm alive
But with you in my life, you're the reason I'm alive
But without you, without you..." Now I was clapping, seeing him smiling. He put the guitar aside and I scooted closer to him on the couch, gently brushing his hair away from his eyes. In that way I could see his face better than ever. His cheeks were reddening and his bright green eyes pierced mine in confusion. I couldn't help but glance at his soft lips every once in a while, being fascinated by the way he bit his bottom lip with those perfectly shaped teeth. But Nikki broke the moment.

"Tommy? I think I have to tell ya somethin'", he whispered and I pulled away from him, looking down.

"What is it Nikkers?"

I could hear the disappointment in my own voice and I just hoped that Nikki wouldn't. Otherwise it would probably get quite embarrassing to explain for me.

"Well Tommy, promise me you won't hate me first" Nikki whispered and I frowned in confusion and a little fear.

"I promise. Why though?"

"I'll tell ya, I'll tell ya. Well Tommy, the second song I've sung was written for you, and I figured it would be the right time to tell you about my feelings. Tommy, I know this sounds weird coming from me, the one who had different groupies each night, but it's true. I love you Tommy, more than I have ever loved anyone else. It's because you were always there for me, you always helped me up when I fell down. Beside from that, you're also such a beautiful person with such a strong and amazing charakter. The first song I've sung was about myself, that I need to change my life. I have thrown away all my smack and rigs and I'm trying to get sober. I wanna do this, because you have told me how much I mean to you and that you couldn't live if I would die once again because of heroin or other drugs"

After Nikki's statement I couldn't quite believe my ears. He had told me he loved me. He had told me he wanted to get sober because I wished for it. I was just out of words, I didn't know what to do.

"Well Tommy, I understand if you don't feel the same, but I just wanted you to know..."

His desperation and uncomfortableness got more prominent by each moment in which I said nothing, but it was just because I didn't know what the right step was. Should I tell him I'd love him as well? Should I just kiss him? But it was a fact, that I needed to say at least something.

"Well, Nik, I didn't expect that at all..."

Nikki just gulped, looking down and wiping his eyes which had lost a few tears. I couldn't bear the sight of a crying Nikki, this was too much for me. So I just leaned in, softly lifting his chin up with two fingers. It was now of never.

"I love you too Nikki"

After whispering those words against his warm lips, I just closed my eyes and placed mine onto them, kissing him for the first time. His lips tasted so sweet and a little smoky, that my brain spun for a few moments. He let out a surprised gasp, but finally kissed back, his hands finding their way into my long, dark brown locks. My feelings exploded inside of me and I found myself completely lost in the kiss, just like I was addicted. And it was right. I had found my new favourite drug and was totally hooked on it. And the drugs' name was Nikki fucking Sixx.