Photo by Ante Samarzija on Unsplash

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Lilah

Asher dropped me home two hours ago, and I climbed into bed after brushing my teeth and changing into my pyjamas. I should be asleep, but my mind is obsessively combing over the events of the evening, specifically the party and my trip to McDonalds with Asher.

For weeks now, I've tried to keep my feelings for my stepbrother at bay, pretending I'm not affected by him. I've tried to maintain an emotional distance between us after he turned his back on our friendship for Ethan's sake.

It's been...difficult to say the least. Okay, impossible despite my attempts. Especially after he confessed he missed me and we went back to rehearsing almost daily.

Any progress I might have made at all, however, has been undone tonight. Asher knew I needed an evening out, and he made it happen. He's fiercely loyal and protective, and while I've witnessed this side of him first-hand, it felt different tonight. His actions felt like...more.

There was something about the way he carried me out of the party, holding me close as his aftershave wrapped around me. And the way he took care of me when I was vulnerable, leaving Maddie so he could drive me home. Then there was the way he looked down at me and said I deserve to be treated right.

Any defences I've managed to erect these past weeks just melted away.

And then there's the fact he suggested we change our duet.

"If our lyrics don't entirely represent the truth of our relationship but still provide the emotion we need, then that's better than what we have now."

"What are you suggesting?"

"I'm saying that if we were to write a song that is full of emotion, an emotion that isn't hate or conflict and confusion then certain people might think something they shouldn't and get upset. But if it's not based on fact, it would be better received by those who aren't the judges. Do you understand?"

"I think so. You're talking about us writing a song where we're...more than friends? Or thinking about being more than friends."

Ever since he drove away, hope has been swirling inside my chest, excitement making me buzz the way a good caffeine high does. Even if it is under the guise of a song, I'm finally going to be able to explore these feelings that have been building for my stepbrother. Moreover, with Asher and I on the same page about our duet, our song might actually start to live up to my expectations for it.

It might push us over the line an get me into the showcase.

Giving up on sleep temporarily, I switch on my bedside lamp, grab my song journal, climb into bed, and start writing. Asher's suggestion has opened Pandora's box, and all the things I refused to give voice to or write down before the party now won't stop repeating in my head, insisting I do something with them.

Just as I finish writing the last thing I wanted to say, I see a set of headlights flicker through my curtains. Due to the excellent soundproofing of the house, I don't hear the front door open and close, but I do hear two sets of feet near my door a few minutes later. God, I hope Asher has come home with Ethan and not Maddie. The mere idea of Maddie being here with Asher makes my stomach roil.

My heart stops beating as I hear a pause outside my door, presumably because whoever is out there can see my bedside lamp on. When I hear them walk away, I turn off my lamp, lie down and pull the blankets over me. Hopefully, sleep comes to claim me now that I've emptied my head of all the things I never thought I'd be allowed to write about my stepbrother.

***

After a few hours of tossing and turning in bed, my brain busy composing music to go with the lyrics I wrote down, I give up on trying to sleep and get up. One glance in the bathroom mirror confirms I feel and look like a zombie. I scrub my face, getting rid of the makeup I didn't wipe off last night, and freshening up. I'd rather not look like I'm about to start hunting people for their brains.

On my way to the kitchen, I try and make as little noise as possible. Considering the time Asher and Ethan got home, I doubt they'll be up before midday.

I switch the coffee machine on and open the fridge to see if there's anything I can cook for breakfast, pausing my search when I hear footsteps behind me. Whirling around, I'm stunned to see Asher standing on the other side of the breakfast bar. In just a long sleeve tee and sweatpants, he manages to steal the breath from my lungs. His longish hair peeks out from beneath the same beanie he wore last night. He looks big and sexy, and slightly brooding as he stands there. My gaze collides with his, and when I see the intensity in them, my pulse quickens.

"Hey," I say.

"Hey," he says quietly, his voice still rough from sleep.

I shoot him a quick smile. "You're up early."

He gives me a pointed look, slipping onto one of the stools at the bench. "So are you."

"I'm making coffee, want one?"

"Please."

He doesn't say anything as I set about making coffee. As the silence grows, so does the tension between us. Out of the corner of my eye, I look at him, my heart stuttering in my chest when I catch him watching me, seemingly as aware of me as I am of him. My skin seems electrified, my body humming as he watches me move around the kitchen.

Once I've made the coffees, I slide one to him.

He wraps his large palm around the mug but doesn't lift the cup to his mouth. "Were you still awake when we got back. I thought I saw your light on."

"Yeah, I, ah, couldn't sleep and I decided to write some stuff down."

"For our duet?"

Just that one simple question makes my heart pump so hard I swear I hear it in my ears. Thinking about him reading the things I wrote down...I can't predict how he'll react. But he was the one who suggested we change the song. The things I wrote might be real, but he doesn't need to know that.

"Yes."

He swallows audibly. "Lilah..."

The tone he uses sends my stomach plummeting to my feet. I study him, but he's looking at his mug instead of at me. Dread washes through me, turning my fingers to ice.

Please don't back out on me.

"I want to," he tells me brokenly. "I really do."

His eyes are full of raw pain and regret when he finally looks at me. The onslaught hits me in the chest with so much force I can't help but take a step back.

"You'll never know how much I want to..." he whispers hoarsely. "To write that song for you. For...us. But I can't. Ethan...I can't do it to him."

"It's just a song, Asher," I whisper, even though that's a lie. The lyrics I wrote were based on real feelings.

Perhaps he can sense that because he shakes his head. "Can you really say that after everything you said last night?"

I swallow hard, staring at him. The suspicion Asher didn't tell me everything I thought out loud dogged me the entire trip home from McDonalds. I tried to tell myself I didn't give too much away in my drunken state, but I didn't quite believe it. Then, when he suggested we change the song, I stopped worrying. After all, he wouldn't have offered if he knew how I felt, right?

Flicking a glance down at the bench and back to him, I ask. "What did I say last night? Tell me all of it this time."

He holds my gaze. "You said our duet isn't good because it's not honest." My heart stops when he pauses, his eyes soft. "You said you feel differently about me than you did. You said," he presses on quietly but firmly, "you can't rewrite your side without giving away what you shouldn't and don't want to feel."

God.

I close my eyes and wish the floor would open up and swallow me, maybe erase everything I'm feeling right now and give me amnesia. Vodka really is not my friend. I thought I laid myself bare last night, but it was nothing compared to this feeling of vulnerability and exposure now.

I look away as I try and come to grips with the fact I poured my heart out to my stepbrother. Sure, it wasn't the most eloquent confession, but I said enough to make it damn obvious my feelings for him aren't platonic. He knows I like him.

Once I'm sure my voice will be steady enough, I look at him. "And yet you still suggested we write a song. Were you messing with me?"

"No! I wouldn't do that, Lilah."

His voice is earnest, maybe even tinged with hurt I would suggest such a thing, but I scoff, remembering the way he treated me before we started working on the duet. I want to latch onto the anger because it's easier than facing the truth.

Unfortunately, I can't deny I'm the one who jumped at his suggestion we turn our duet into a love song, basically writing new lyrics the moment he gave me the go ahead. So desperate to give voice to the way he makes me feel, I didn't stop to consider Asher's offer might be too good to be true. Especially after the way Ethan went off about our friendship.

Uncomfortable heat burns my face. I'm so embarrassed that I have to turn away from him. I can't imagine what Asher must be thinking. Maybe that Ainsley's stupid speculations have proved true?

That's a bitter pill to swallow.

"Lilah."

I hear his seat scrape against the floor tiles a few seconds before I feel him at my back. When he touches my arm, I know he wants me to look at him. But I can't. Not yet.

"I get it," I tell him, refusing to meet his gaze. "Now that you know, it would be crazy to turn our duet into a love song. I just don't know why you suggested it in the first place."

He could have spared both of us this awkward conversation. He could have spared me the humiliation if he'd never made the offer.

"Lilah... Please will you just turn around and look at me."

The pain in his voice tears through me, ripping my heart in two. I don't want to turn around, but the desperation in his voice forces me to move my feet until I meet his gaze full on. Apology is written all over his face, but it does nothing to ease my mortification.

He moves closer. "If Ethan wasn't my brother, our song would be an entirely different one. Do you understand?" His eyes tick between mine. "Our song would have had a different start. It would have a different middle and a completely different ending. Tell me you understand what I'm saying."

Intensity and heat radiate from him. He reaches for me but drops his hand. "I told myself it would just be a song when I suggested we change the duet, but it wouldn't be. And Ethan will never believe the lie when I can't convince myself of it."

Looking away, I say, "You only know it's a lie because of what I said."

"No." He brushes the backs of his knuckles along my jaw so lightly, I tremble. Gently, with a finger beneath my chin, he brings my gaze back to his. "I can't believe the lie when I spend every moment with you pretending that I don't want what I want," he whispers.

His words knock a hole in my stomach, making me swallow hard as I stare at him.

"What?"

He closes his dark eyes briefly before opening them and letting me see the emotion in them. "The song wouldn't be make-believe. Not for either of us."

He's managed to steal my breath, build me up with hope and anticipation in one breath, then tear me down in another. This thing between us – the feelings I'm developing, I'm not alone in feeling them. Yet I can't take any joy from this revelation. Because I can't be with him. Ever.

I can't act on how I feel.

Ever.

Not with Ethan being my ex and our parents now married.

Regret is a toxic, pointless, and useless emotion. I don't want to regret my relationship with Ethan. Still, I can't help but stand here and wonder: if I'd never dated Ethan, would everything with Asher be different right now?

If I hadn't written Asher off as a manwhore the first time we met, telling myself he was just a flirt and not really interested in me, would I have discovered something even bigger and better—even more perfect with Asher—than what I'd had with Ethan?

I will never know the answer to that.

"Do you understand?" Asher asks gently.

I nod, not trusting myself to speak.

With that, he takes a step back from me, putting space between us once more. "I know the song isn't perfect yet, but we'll keep working on it. I promise you, we'll come up with something. We'll keep tweaking it. We'll make the showcase."

I laugh humourlessly. "Do you really believe that?"

"Lilah..."

Picking up my mug, I ignore his pleading expression and sip from it, aware of the way I don't even feel the scolding liquid going down. Numbness is settling in. The Cassidy brother I started out hating is now the one I want. And it's hitting me in its entirety—the person I've been slowly developing feelings for is the only person in the world truly forbidden to me.

"This is for the best. Surely you can understand why we can't go ahead with what I proposed," he says.

"I do."

"It would upset Ethan."

Not just Ethan. It would upset Maddie, too. Even if Asher likes me back, it means nothing, especially when he's with someone else. Hell, the only reason Asher even told me how he feels is because he wants to explain why he's backing out of changing our duet.

"I think I'm going to go back to bed," I say, no longer having an appetite for food or for the day ahead.

"Do you want to go over the song today? Try write something else? Rehearse?"

I shake my head, and holding onto my mug, I move to step around him. Before I can, he takes my arm, stopping me gently.

"I know you won't believe me, but I'm sorry."

I look up into those dark eyes of his full of sincerity, the apology so genuine it hurts more because I know that he is. But it doesn't change anything. Nor does it help me now.

"You deserve better than this and I'm sorry," he continues. "Not just for this, but...for everything. For the way I treated you while you were with Ethan. For the ways I hurt you." He looks away before looking back at me. "For all the ways I keep hurting you. I'm so, so sorry for all of it. If Ethan wasn't my brother..."

"Stop, Asher. You don't need to say anymore. I get it."

I can't take any more of his apologising this morning. Not while disappointment and regret are melting together inside my chest and dripping acid into my stomach, making it impossible to draw breath. He might be sorry, but I need to work out what I'm going to do now. How do I move forward from this? How do I recover from this?

This time, when I go to step around him, he lets his hand drop.

By the time I make it up to my room, I'm shaking and I feel nauseous. And I don't think it has anything to do with the vodka I drank last night. God, I should be used to these giant swings of emotions when it comes to Asher Cassidy. Hating him was a rollercoaster, but liking him? Having these stupid feelings for him? It's so much worse.

Walking straight over to my bedside table, I pick up my journal and open it, looking through the lyrics I wrote last night before I went to sleep. Damn it, they might just be the best thing I've ever written, and now they'll never see the light of day. What a freaking waste.

Unless I use the words for a different song.

Sitting on my bed, I stare down at the lyrics, slowly coming to a decision. I have to stop hinging all my hope for making the showcase on my duet with Asher.

At the start of the year, I thought the duet was my only hope of making it into the showcase, but I'm a better songwriter than I was. If that's partly because I've been working with Asher, it doesn't matter. What matters is that I don't think our current song is strong enough to push us over the edge. I'm going to have to pull out all the stops and do it myself.

As I start writing a new song, incorporating some of the lyrics I wrote last night, I realise I'm getting tingles. Goosebumps break out across my skin as my pen whips across the page. Holy crap, this is a first.

Maybe, with luck and a prayer, I might still get into the showcase, but with my own song and not the duet.

And if this song blows up my personal, well, I can't let myself think about that right now.