This is kinda au ish? idk i'm just into writing the side effects of having your brain fucked with twice over - we're gonna pretend everything is fine rip Alfred you were the best but you're staying dead here uwu

TW: HALLUCINATIONS

"I used to hallucinate you," Dick stated as though that was a totally normal thing to say. Jason turned to him and watched his expression. When he found no significant changes in it, he assumed he'd imagined the sentence. "You and younger me." Okay, so he didn't imagine it.

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Therapist said I should. Ghost you said some pretty harsh things," he continued. The pair were sitting together in the garden sipping on cider whilst their siblings played a fun game of fighting until someone nearly dies. They decided to sit out since they were both nursing injuries from the mission beforehand. Jason vowed to get them back if they tried to say anything about being weak. He'd been looking forward to watching kids fight when Dick had popped out with admission and he wasn't sure what to do about that. Luckily for him, Dick just continued. "I think you would've agreed with some of the things." He peeled the label of the bottle as he spoke, keeping his eyes on anyone and anything aside from Jason. "Not all of them though. You're cruel but you're not that cruel."

"Give me an example?" Morbid curiosity had come into play now. It wasn't every day your older brother casually mentioned his brain cooked so hard he imagined you there. 

"Well, it was after you died maybe four months. I was in my feels as Steph would say. You appeared right in front of me and I swear to you I nearly jumped out of the window." Jason rolled his eyes at the dramatics. "You said that if I was really better than you, I wouldn't have been so easy to replace." The mood switched and Jason swiftly regretted ever asking. He cringed at how easy the words came out and at how he probably would've said them at the time. It's not like he was an evil kid, he was just hung up on stuff and Dick had placed this unattainable standard upon him. Even then, he probably would've said something like that up until he worked through his death and truly processed everything. "And I agreed."

"Why?"

"Because if Bruce loved me and if I was good enough to be his protege, then he wouldn't have found a replacement. At least, not one so fast."

"Dick-"

"I'll go get another cider. Watch them whilst I'm out okay?" Before Jason knew it, Dick was halfway back to the house. He watched him carefully and caught him muttering something. Lipreading wasn't his greatest skill which he was starting to regret honing in on.

"Shut up, I told him," Dick whispered despite there being no one in the room. Well, there was someone in the room. That, someone, was Ric. Ric was Dick and Dick was Ric but the two weren't the same. Ric came from a product of mind manipulation. He wasn't a person more so a mindset that had a life of its own and lived inside Dick. At least, that's how Dick looked at him. He didn't know why the guy was following him around and lingering in his brain but there he was. It sucked so hard. 

"You hardly told him anything! You said you were going to tell him everything," Ric protested. He was currently leaning against the table as Dick grabbed a cider from the fridge. "I said that you need to confess all your baggage not just one thing," he added.

"Hey, you're one doctor's visit away from disappearing."

"Yeah? Why don't you go to the doctor then?" Dick stayed silent at that as he popped the cap against the table and took a swig. He had a point as much as he hated to admit it. Somehow Ric knew all of the things he'd been through yet when he'd actually been out there in the world he'd conveniently forgotten all of that. Dick would've preferred it stay that way because he was so done with the reminders. "You've all been through trauma. Those kids deserve to know how their brother is dealing with everything."

"Oh, what would you know? You left them in the shit. I wasn't there for my family because of you." Ric shook his head sympathetically. He walked over to stand beside his body double and the other didn't make any moves to create distance between them. Ric would just continue to follow him. It didn't matter how far he ran nor how long he ran. Ric would be there floating beside him like the annoying ghost he was. 

"You weren't there because your mind was messed with. You can't keep blaming yourself." He put his hand on Dick's shoulder and the other willed himself not to feel it. He shrugged it off and made a massive sidestep away.

"I'm not blaming myself. I'm blaming you."

"Is that what you call it?" Dick looked away and glared at the floor. 

"Look, I blame a lot of people. I blame The Court of Owls, I blame Joker, I blame Batman, I blame-"

"Yourself."

"Shut up Ric! You act as though you know me but you don't!"

"I am you!" Dick huffed and turned on his heel, heading straight back to the garden where hopefully the shouting would drown out the voice. He didn't know what he did to deserve this. His worst version of himself follows him around like a lost puppy. Dick shook his head as he heard the whisperings of conversation and hoped that today would be the last day he had to deal with Ric. It wouldn't be but a man could dream.

He sat down beside Jason who was giving him a concerned look that he swiftly shrugged off in favour of watching his siblings who were also giving him concerned looks. "What?" he asked, playing it casually. That was impossible because he looked suspicious as anything.

"Uh, I don't know, maybe that you just yelled at yourself?" Jason replied. Dick nearly choked on his drink, ignoring the bark of laughter that got from Ric. He was such a douche. Unfortunately, this made him look even more suspicious and his siblings were already coming closer to have a discussion which was the exact thing he didn't want. "Did you tell me about the hallucinations as a hint?"

"You're having hallucinations?" Duke asked. They all made a face at that which he was not having. He wasn't having this conversation and he wasn't going to let anyone go further with it.

"No!"

"Yes!" Ric shouted as though anyone would hear him. He sent a glare to him which he regretted rather quickly because obviously the other wasn't there. "C'mon, this is your in! Tell them about how you're feeling." Dick got up to shut down the interaction but the other stood in front of him, and although he knew Ric wasn't there, he stopped anyway.

"You're not a family therapist," he bit out.

"Who's not?" Tim asked, flicking his gaze over to the empty space. The older cringed at himself for saying something so loud. He turned to the boy and went to say something but he beat him to it. "Dick, no one's there."

"I know that Tim," he snapped. His patience was wafer-thin right now and he wasn't in the mood for the casual grilling. "God, you're just as bad as him." He pinched the bridge of his nose as his mind raced to blurt out all his frustrations because locking them up was only letting them fester. "It's always Dick you need to open up more. Dick, you went through so many traumatising experiences that burying them is just making it worse. Dick, you're not ready for a relationship because you haven't even processed what she did to you and what you did to her. Dick, you're not even sure which memories are real and which aren't because too many people have been poking at your brain!" His voice was shaking as he listed off all the things Ric had told him during their time together. Each felt like a burn against his psyche as it drudged up all the horrible things he'd gone through.

"This isn't what I meant. You're just trauma dumping," Ric said softly. His eyes went over to the group of young adults and then back to the adult having a near breakdown in front of him. "Take a deep breath before you keel over, dumbass."

"Shut up! Don't you ever shut up?" he shouted, knowing full well that he was panicking everyone and that his breath was leaving much faster than it was entering. 

"You're scaring them."

"You scared them, Ric!"

"Ric? You're seeing Ric?" Jason asked. All of them suddenly became on edge at the mention of the name. Ric had been the one to alienate them and push them away from the truth. If they knew he was simply a product of mind control then they wouldn't have ever let him get away. Hearing his name again meant that he wasn't gone. The person who took away their sibling was still in there somewhere. At least Dick was back but for how long? 

"Yeah," Dick answered as he gulped down the air. His whole body was shaking and his emotions were so mixed up that the only single line that threaded them all together was fear. He was terrified. He knew he shouldn't be seeing Ric and he knew he shouldn't have been seeing Jason all those years ago. He knew that and yet he couldn't go to a doctor. 

"It's gonna be okay. I'll be quieter just take a deep breath." The acrobat glared at the other version of himself but did as he was told purely because his chest was getting far too tight. A panic attack in front of his family wasn't what he wanted for the day.

"We need to take you to someone," Steph stated. "You can't be seeing him."

"You're not taking me anywhere," he argued with an unusual amount of venom. They winced, unused to hearing such a tone directed at them but it seemed to only fuel there concern.

"Why?" He clamped his mouth shut, refusing to admit it. "Dick, why can't we get you help?"

"I'm going home," he stated. Without much further notice, he was full-on sprinting away from them. As always, Ric trailed behind.

One motorbike ride later and Dick was pacing in his kitchen whilst Ric sat on his counter with a frown. He was watching him and Dick had to keep reminding himself that the other version of himself wasn't there. "You need to calm down," Ric told him.

"This is it, isn't it? I've finally broken," he whispered, defeated. He stopped his pacing and slipped down the fridge until he was sitting on the floor hugging his knees. He'd been here before. The worst kind of deja vu flooded over him. He remembered sitting at the base of his fridge as Jason's ghost sitting on the countertop. Jason wasn't nearly as small as Dick had been at his age but he still swung his legs over the side. They'd sit like that for hours until Dick opened his eyes and the ghost was gone. He'd tried that when Ric first showed up. He slept for hours upon hours hoping that when he next opened his eyes he wouldn't be there but he was always there. Nothing could make him go away. Dick had gone through all the possibilities as to why he saw what he was seeing. He thought it was a concussion, he thought it was poison, he thought it was some coma. Yet those fell through when he didn't have other symptoms. 

"You're not broken," Ric told him sincerely. 

"Then why am I seeing you?" he asked. He knew that there was no answer but he was desperate for something over than the unknown. There had to be something.

"I don't know. I don't get why I'm here, I'm not sure if I'm just me or something else but thought I may as well help out. You're a pretty fucked up guy." Ric got off the counter and sat beside him but didn't say much more. Dick didn't either. They sat in silence as he curled up tighter and prayed for the other to just leave. He didn't want to deal with this anymore. He didn't want any leftover effects. He just wanted to draw a line at what happened and pretend that it was all some bad dream. That's probably why he was in this position, wasn't it? Hiding everything and hoping it would all go away. "They'll be here soon," Ric said quietly.

"I know," he replied just as quietly. He felt on the verge of tears and even though Ric was himself, he didn't feel comfortable. Brains were weird.

"What're you gonna tell them?" He shrugged. "They won't leave you alone. Not after your little rant. They're stubborn." He hummed in recognition. "Maybe you could start with the doctor thing? Gets rid of me quick and you hate me."

"I don't hate you. I hate that you were me. That I abandoned my family," he admitted.

"You didn't abandon anyone. Your head was screwed up. You need to accept that you weren't there but you're here now. Stop with that stupid self-sacrificing rhetoric." Dick rested his head on his knees and let out a long heavy sigh. This was such a screwed up method of therapy. "Get something to eat before you waste away dumbass."

"Not hungry."

"Yes, you are. Apple slices. Chop chop." Ric clapped his hands and Dick knew he'd only get an earful if he didn't do as the other said. He got up with a huff and opened the fridge.

"You're so demanding."

"You're so dramatic."

"Fuck you."

"That would be selfcest," Ric said with a playful grin.

"How do you know about selfcest?"

"I had amnesia. I didn't become Amish." Ah, the wonders of the internet couldn't be destroyed even with two brainwashing sessions. The acrobat supposed he should be happy he didn't get the version of himself Joker made. Now that would be super creepy.

It didn't take long before Dick's family were invading his household. Well, in reality, it was only Damian and Jason who decided to use the fire escape whilst the others used the spare key he gave Duke. He put his head in his hands as they flooded in awkwardly and waited. Ric put a reassuring hand on his shoulder and let out a frustrated groan. There was no escaping talking to his family. As emotionally incompetent as they all were, they seemed to be able to handle something they found concerning. He supposed this was quite concerning. He twirled around on the barstool, bringing one leg up to rest his chin on. It was somewhat comforting to hug his leg. Somehow it offset the intensity flowing through the apartment. "So," he began. "Guess we're not gonna all repress this?"

"Not in the slightest," Damian stated. His voice was tense and the older knew why. They were as thick as thieves and Ric had torn them apart. Well, not Ric. The people stirring his brains like soup were to blame for that. He should've fought harder though.

"What did I say about blame?" Ric asked, hearing that thought as though it'd been said aloud. He sent a glare over to the hallucination who thankfully took the hint. 

"When did you start seeing him?" Duke asked. 

"Like a few weeks? I got home from patrol, fell asleep then this guy pops up when I'm tryna make an omelette. Burnt it too which didn't help."

"Fuck the eggs, you've been seeing him for weeks and didn't see anyone?" Jason questioned. 

"Yeah, what the hell? You're always complaining about my self care yet you've made friends with your hallucination," Tim added, folding his arms across his chest.

"We're not friends. We barely tolerate each other."

"Why didn't you go to a doctor?" Steph asked. He grew tense at the question. He himself hadn't even accepted the answer. Speaking it into existence meant that it would be real and it was so stupid in his mind already. They'd probably just laugh. Maybe tell him to grow up. He hated that. Grow up. He was grown up, he'd been grown up. He was a small twenty-year-old living inside a child when he was a kid. Robin only normalised it. "We bugged you a lot as Ric so don't think the silence will get you out of it," she assured him. 

"Told you they wouldn't let it go."

"Really? An I told you so? No wonder everyone hated you," Dick huffed, glaring at the empty space everyone else was seeing. 

"Last time I checked, I had a girlfriend." The acrobat set his gaze to the floor. "Sorry. Touchy subject."

"Grayson, we can't help you if you don't explain what is happening. Why won't you see a medical professional?" He squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath.

"I'm scared."

It was such a suffocating silence as the siblings took in what Dick had admitted. His eyes were still squeezed closed and they could see that he was hugging his knee that much tighter. "You're scared they'll brainwash you again," Cass stated. He nodded slowly. 

"It's happened twice. Admittedly, one wasn't in a hospital but that doesn't make it better. I was a Talon, I was Joker's pawn. What if this time I'm something much worse?" He dares to open his eyes and look around the patchwork family he was so grateful to have. "What if this time I hurt you even more?"

"Dick, it won't happen again," Tim assured him but the older shook his head. 

"Don't say that. Don't make me hope. It could happen again. I don't want to forget things," he said in a desperate tone. "Remembering the bad stuff is so fucking easy, it's almost evil. Remembering the good stuff? Now that takes concentration, that takes work. It's so difficult. I can't even remember half my childhood before Bruce." He put his head in his hands as he let the gravity of what he said wash over him. He never wanted to admit any of this. He'd pretended that he remembered things. Of course, he remembered that time he ate ice cream with his parents in Russia...or was it Germany? No, maybe it was Bulgaria. When there were nonsensical memories, he just filled in the plot holes with logic but that didn't mean he remembered the connecting lines. He was sewing together weak material that would rip and tear the more he tried to piece everything together. He was shoving square blocks into circle holes because he had to remember this. There was no way to move on if he didn't remember everything. "Like remember that barbecue you were talking about Jay? The one a few years ago? I lied. I don't remember it. I can't think of a single thing that happened that day. I just looked at the photos and went along with it."

"Why didn't you say anything?" Duke asked.

"Because it didn't matter. I can still work. I can still be Dick Grayson. I'm just missing a few pieces." Damian walked over and sat on the neighbouring stool. 

"Grayson, you're hurting. We all are yet you must realize that you don't have to live with the hurt you have accumulated. You are the man who raised me for those times I needed a father figure and, despite the lack of a shared surname, you are my family. Family doesn't allow family to suffer."

"Who taught you that one?" Dick asked with a shaky smile.

"You did." The acrobat's bottom lip trembled as he reached out and snatched the younger up in a hug. Damian hugged back just as tightly, hiding the small smile by nuzzling his face against his neck. "You can cry."

"Thank fuck for that," the older replied, finally letting the tears he'd been holding back for too long flow. 

"Is it time for a family hug or?" Duke asked. 

"Yeah looks like it. Quick before he gets clingy."

They decided Leslie was the best person to go to. It was the only person they could persuade Dick to see and since he was familiar with her, they guessed there was an element of trust there. In the waiting room, Dick bounced his knee and picked at his nails. Every so often he'd send a panicked glance to the door as though he expected some creepy figure to be standing there with some brainwashing juice. Every time he did, Cass slipped her hand into Dick's and gave him a reaffirming squeeze. He'd nearly had a panic attack entering the building and it was taking all of them to hold him together. "I can't do this. I'll just live with Ric in my head forever-"

"If you try to run, I'll shoot you," Jason barked out. The acrobat rolled his eyes but he didn't make any moves to leave lest he be dogpiled by a bunch of teenage vigilantes. "You'll be fine."

"I wasn't last time," he muttered.

"This won't be a repeat of last time," Tim assured him. "I studied all the records and CCTV. There is nothing to say you'll be in danger."

"And I'll be in there the entire time," Jason added. "They'll be in here whilst I listen to medical jargon crap. You're safe."

"O-okay." It didn't take long for Leslie to finish up and with that Jason practically dragged his older brother into the examination room. Usually, he'd make a joke but he couldn't find much humour in the situation at hand and being mean wasn't going to do anything. Dick explained what had been happening for the last few weeks and Leslie took a blood sample to test for any chemical reason why he'd be seeing Ric. It was slow going but eventually, they got through the appointment and Leslie said the answers would come in the next twenty-four hours. In that time, she asked that he be under watch just in case things took a turn. Jason agreed.

A day later they got their answer. Dick had been drugged a few weeks ago without realizing it. The powder on his Nightwing suit was a strain of psychoactive drug Scarecrow had been developing. This drug would cause hallucinations of the person's subconscious and drive the person to insanity. The powder was slow-acting meaning that had they left it any longer, the hallucinations would get worse and worse. Leslie gave him something to get out the toxin and finally, Ric disappeared. Now all Dick had to do was work through things with his family. As he tossed the empty pill packet away, glad to be done with the drug, he let out a sigh. Things would never go back to normal but maybe they could be close to that again or perhaps better. A man could dream.