The dinner was everything I expected it to be, and more.

Five long tables occupied all the space of the regal dining hall and people were settling in their reserved seats. I spotted Alexei with an empty seat next to him and I slipped into the chair. He acknowledged my presence with a small smile and his hand settling on my thigh.

Guilt twisted inside me like a coiling snake.

The menu for the supper was written in elegant cursive on a little card at each guests' place, accompanied by an elegant name-card, all curlicues and minimalistic design.

Mine sat next to Alexei and even that little detail –just the juxtaposition of his name right next to mine, reminding me of us – left me nauseous.

What the hell had I been thinking?

And that was precisely the problem, all of those traitorous thoughts that had been clouding my brain in the last half-hour.

And even now, even with the realization of just how wrong it all was, I couldn't help but sneak glances in Gabe's direction, feeling a tiny stab to my gut every time his date leaned into him to whisper conspiratorially into his ear. With each pang, my guilty nausea rose further and I tried to quiet it by downing flute after flute of champagne. No one asked for my age and all I had to do to get refills was to reach towards my empty glass –as soon as I did, one of the –servants? Butlers? – refilled it with sparkling, diluted gold that made its way directly from my tongue to my veins, filling me with a restless buzz.

I ate and tried to stay as quiet as possible, replying only when my silence would be perceived as rudeness.

I let go of my thoughts, overwhelmed by the taste of bitter champagne on my tongue mingling with veal, so tender that it almost didn't need chewing – a sharp contrast to the crunch of the asparagus, complemented by the fruity tang of pomegranate.

For each bite, I took a generous sip of either wine or champagne –but never water. I got through the tartare, the lacquered lobster tail bathed in black truffle sauce, lingered over the pan roasted filet mignon and could barely stomach the desert – a chocolate cake decorated with flakes of gold, so light that it melted right as it touched the tongue.

It was only when it was too late and I was positively drunk that I realized that getting wasted the day I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time was probably not the best idea.

I barely even noticed that most people had left the table when Alexei pulled me to my feet, guided me away from the grandiose dining hall and whisked me back upstairs. He led me down a maze of winding corridors and in my altered state of mind, I felt as though we were going in circles. I stumbled behind him, unsteady in my high heels, clenching his hand like a kid in a mall clinging to their parent.

He was saying something, but my thoughts were slow, sluggish. It took me a moment to register that he was very probably talking to me.

"... we've always done. While the grown-ups would carry on downstairs, we would just come up here and have fun on our own, without parental supervision." He gave me a wicked grin as we stopped in front of massive double doors. He pushed them open and stepped inside.

I should've been used to just how grand everything always was whenever Alexei was concerned, but the room he'd whisked me to managed to surpass my expectations still.

The light here was more muted, intimate. The half-paneled walls were covered in a crème corduroy wallpaper, the satin reflecting the soft glow of the massive chandelier that hung squarely in the middle of the room. A bar with a polished marble counter stood near the back of the room and people –young people, all around our age –lounged on rococo loveseats arranged in a half circle around a hearth. There was no fire lit within, but still there was a warmth about this room that hadn't been present in the cold beauty of the ballroom or the dining hall.

Nirvana was here, curled lavishly on one of the burgundy loveseats, looking like she belonged more in a Vogue spread than in real life.

Everyone in this room did.

I felt acutely other. Even at Alexei's arm, in a dress that cost in the five figures - or perhaps it was because I was in this dress, with this boy – I felt like an impostor.

Gabe was there with his date, in hues of gold and champagne against his black and white, all glitter and crystalline laughter to his shadowy darkness. They fit right in, beautiful and confident.

Alexei led me to sit next to Nirvana and I all but collapsed next to her in a graceless heap of red satin.

When she passed me a bottle full of amber liquid, I didn't hesitate before throwing it back and taking long gulps, ignoring the foul taste it left in my mouth and the burn of it as it slid all the way down to my stomach.

When I was done, Alexei whistled and took the bottle from me, eyes glinting. He took a few gulps himself before passing it on to the next person in line –Aidan. I was too drunk to even care about him right then.

My head lolled to the side, not completely voluntarily, resting on Alexei's shoulder.

"You ok?" he asked, his hand resting on my thigh gently.

"Mmmhmmm." I didn't open my eyes.

His hand traced warm circles on the bare skin of my leg. "Wanna go home?"

My eyes flew open. It was the first time all night he'd looked relaxed and even remotely happy and I wasn't about to cut it short. "No no no! I don't want to go home yet."

Just then, someone proposed a game of truth or dare, which was welcomed by a general "ugh" and a couple of we're-too-old-for-this's, but everyone who hadn't been seated in the loveseats now converged to the fireplace and soon, people were spilling their secrets and kissing people they shouldn't be kissing.

It went on for a while, and after a particularly steamy kiss between two girls who'd just been sitting in the laps of their respective boyfriends, one of the them turned to Aidan.

"Truth or dare?" she asked.

Aidan smiled mildly. "Truth."

"Ugh. Bo-ring." She bit her lower lip as she thought of a question. "Which one of the girls here would you like to fuck the most?"

Aidan's smile grew. "Easy. Nirvana."

Some of the girls squealed, while their male counterparts chuckled.

"Keep dreaming, dickhead," Nirvana said haughtily, obviously unruffled.

Aidan turned his slimy smile to me.

"Isis." His voice sounded a little bit too delighted.

I was too drunk to have much of a reaction so I just raised my eyebrows expectantly.

"Truth or dare?"

I could tell by his smirk that he thought I would take the easy way out. That, more than anything, prompted me to do what I did next.

Replicating his air of condescending smugness, I leaned forward and said, slowly and deliberately, "Dare."

To my satisfaction, his eyebrows shot up in surprise. The expression didn't last long though.

"Give Alexei a lap dance."

I didn't think before I got up. I ignored Alexei as he said, softly, "you don't have to do this". Instead, I concentrated on staring at the wall, trying to compel the damask wallpaper motif to stop spinning around me and to suppress the wave of nausea that hit me as soon as I was up.

"Music. She needs music." Someone's voice intoned, slurring.

There was a moment of silence and then someone put on a song. I'd heard it before –Tina had been putting her make-up to it a couple of times –it had a slow and slithering base, and the singer sounded breathless.

Briefly, my gaze flitted to Gabe –I'd been expecting him to not be paying me any attention, but he was looking right at me, and undecipherable expression on his face.

I shivered as I turned to face Alexei.

I'd done this before. Tina, Tyler and me had been obsessed with So You Think You Can Dance, and even once our interest for the show had faded, we'd still watch choreography videos and dance until we were breathless and covered in a fine layer of sweat, clothes sticking to our skin in one of our bedrooms.

It didn't mean that I liked dancing in public –I'd hated parties, being pressed up against strangers, the mass of grinding bodies and the chaos and heat of it all. I preferred dancing with Tina, in the small space of her bedroom, window thrown open, music spilling into the alley behind their apartment.

It went without saying that the only reason I'd agreed to do this now was the considerable amount of liquid courage I'd ingested.

And so I pulled out some of the hairpins keeping my curls in their complex updo –my hair tumbled down my shoulders in a heavy curtain and more pins clattered to the floor with a crystalline tinkling.

I didn't take off my high-heels –I hadn't learned the whole Single Ladies choreography with both twins, five-inch heels included, just to let that skill go to waste.

My body settled into the rhythm easily, as if the music came from within me, not from without.

I dipped my hips low and parted Alexei's legs, settling in between them, tossing my hair.

Someone whistled and Nirvana hooted enthusiastically, but it all sounded far away, as though the sounds came from behind a thick wall. I was focused on Alexei's gaze. The way he looked at me made me forget there were any other people in the room apart from the two of us.

I straddled him, hips rolling slowly, grinding against him. My fingers slipped through his hair and I felt him shudder beneath me.

He leaned forward to press his mouth to mine. His lips parted mine and I forgot the dare, forgot the people around us and their cheering.

I was lost in the softness and heat of his lips, in the feather-like quality of his hair beneath my grasping fingers.

He was the first to pull away, and instantly, as my eyes opened, my head spun. I pressed my forehead to his shoulder, trying to focus on breathing in and out, slowly.

I was in sensory overload, the lights, the damask wallpaper, the warmth of Alexei's body seeping into mine, the softness of his hair between my fingers, and all those voices, so unbearably loud and grating... It all swam and swirled in my head.

I pulled away from Alexei and stood up –I needed to get out of here. I took a couple of shaky steps before someone steadied me, hands on my waist.

"You okay?" His voice was like balm on a wound. I leaned into his touch even as he started speaking to somebody else. "I think you should take her home. She's drunk and so are you. I'll help you get her to the car... You've got a chauffeur right?"

He picked me up, bridal style, and suddenly my world tilted, thrown out of its axis. I was looking up at him, head against his chest, eyes half shut.

How come he looked this good from every angle?

I must've said that last thing out loud because Gabe laughed. "The view I've got isn't that bad either."

I pressed my temple to his chest, to feel his heartbeat reverberate through me.

"Did you mean what you said earlier?"

"What did I say?"

"That I'm beautiful."

"I meant it." He lowered his voice conspiratorially, "The thing, or rather things, plural, that I find the most beautiful about you are your freckles."

I wasn't sure whether he was being serious or whether he was having a laugh at my expense. "Are you serious?"

"Yeah, I am. I can't imagine you without them."

"I can," I whispered.

"Can you really? They make you, I don't know... you. They are part of what makes you so perfect."

"They make me look like I'm ten."

"You don't look ten to me." His voice was low, husky. It made me shiver.

All too soon, we were at the car and he was settling me in the back seat. His hands lingered at my waist for a moment as he let me go and I leaned against him, relishing the warmth of him, his scent.

And then Alexei was there and even in my drunken state I felt guilt twisting my insides. I stepped away from Gabe, swayed a little, and then got into the backseat of a black sedan, Alexei and Nirvana right beside me.

I had to force myself not to look out the window to watch Gabe walk away.

I must've fallen asleep at some point during the trip back, because I came to only when Alexei started taking my dress off me. The guilt inside me unfurled further as I noted the gentleness of his hands, the careful way he peeled the red satin off me, as if it were the diaphanous petals of a flower, so delicate that one wrong move could tear it apart.

And yet even as Alexei laid me in bed and I drifted off in his arms, I dreamt of Gabe's voice whispering "you're beautiful" and his lips pressing against the freckles sprinkled all over my bare skin.

~♠~

The first things Alex uttered when he saw me standing at his front door was, "Wow. You look terrible."

I self-consciously raised a hand to run through my hair, but gave up when my fingers caught on a tangle.

"Thanks," I said snidely. "Can I come in?"

Instead of answering, he turned on his heel, leaving the door open. I stepped in, pushing my hands into the pockets of my jeans, hiding the half-moons of paint under my fingernails.

Yesterday, I'd spent the whole day at Alexei's apartment, painting him for my semester project and then saying goodbye not quite in words but in the tangle of limbs and mouths that we inevitably became whenever we were together alone.

Then I'd spent this whole morning in the uni's lab, editing the pictures I'd taken of him yesterday, unsure of just which one I would use in my final project. I hadn't eaten since the Chinese take-out Alexei had ordered yesterday for dinner and I'd been surviving on caffeine and determination for the last few several hours.

And now that the pictures were edited and ready to be printed, I ached to share it with someone, to ask for an opinion, but the only person I wanted to show my artwork to was the one person I had to stay away from.

"I've got an idea," I said excitedly, pushing away my morose thoughts.

"Let's hear it then, genius."

I pursed my lips and awkwardly hovered in the doorway of his messy bedroom. "Could you just drop the attitude?"

My exhaustion mixed with my conflicted feelings made me irritable.

Alex raised both hands, palms facing me, placating. "Alriiiight, calm down. I was just kidding." His eyes searched my face for a moment and then he motioned for me to come into his room.

I sat down on his bed, shoulders slumped forward and told him what I'd gleaned during my day with Alexei.

As I'd learned, Aidan was not going to France with Alexei, Nirvana and some of their other friends. Dominic was staying behind as well, and he was organizing some big party to celebrate the beginning of spring break. Considering they were friends, I assumed Aidan would be attending – if he did, once I called A's number, the call would be traced to Dominic's house and I would be able to confirm that Aidan was A and put this whole mess to the grave.

I explained as much to Alex and he nodded pensively.

"So you're absolutely sure that this Aidan guy is your stalker?" he asked, tone slightly dubious.

"I don't see who else it could be. He has motive," –I'd robbed him, after all, "and he hates me." I bit my lower lip, hands clenching and unclenching in my lap.

"Okay then. Let's do it. When's the party?" Alex rubbed his hands together, his eyes alight with excitement.

"Tomorrow," I said, some of the tension evaporating from my system now that I knew that Alex was on my side. "I'll text you right before I call him so you can do your –" I gestured at his equipment, the mess of screens and cables that littered his room, "hacker thing. I'll try to find him in the crowd and then I'll call him. If you can trace his location to the party and I can see him pick up, I'll know for sure that it's him."

He agreed and even lent me a cellphone so I could snap a picture of Aidan caught in the act.

Even so, I didn't relish the fact that I'd have to go back to the place where this whole mess started. The thought of going back to Dominic's house, exposed and vulnerable, had my skin crawling and my stomach lurching. Normally, I could never have conjured up the courage for such a ballsy move and I relied on the fact that Aidan would underestimate me as well.

But I had to do it. I had no one to blame but myself, and I needed to finally get my shit together and take care of this business like a big girl.

~♠~

I'd put on the same black slip dress I'd worn for my first date with Alexei. It felt shorter than it was in my memories and as I made my way up the stairs to the open front doors, I kept pulling it down.

Music spilled out into the night, fast and pulsing, the base resonating in my bones. There were people out here, sitting on the steps, passing around a blunt, bottles of beer at their feet. They looked like they belonged in one of those underground artsy magazines, all long, graceful limbs and blasé expressions.

I'd straightened my hair and tied it into a high ponytail and let Tina do my make-up, which consisted of a dramatic smoky eye and lip gloss –without my trademark curls, I felt like I could avoid recognition, maybe even blend right in.

I paused at the door, breathing in long and hard to steady my nerves. There was something poetic –or maybe just ironic –about everything coming full circle in the very same place it started.

I melted right into the crowd of dancing bodies, cellphone in one hand, resolve steely and unfaltering.

The lights in the massive entrance hall were flashing in quick flares of red and blue, illuminating the gyrating crowd and then plunging it into darkness for a split second. The effect was disorientating and dizzying –it all looked like some sort of fever dream.

It felt like fate when I noticed Aidan by a pillar in the corner of the room not even a full five minutes after walking in. It was truly nothing short of a small miracle that he'd caught my eye in a room chockfull of people.

Feeling light headed, I started to make my way towards him when I bumped into a familiar blonde. She turned around and her eyes widened when she took me in.

"Isis!" Ro exclaimed. I could barely hear her over the song blasting through the speakers. She gave me a hug and then held me at arm's length. "You look amazing!"

"Thank you. You look great, like always." She really did. She wore a short, off the shoulder, silver dress and her blond hair was loose – there was something airy and ethereal about her tonight.

She was about to say something else, but then someone caught her eye over my shoulder. She gave an ever so slight shake of her head and I turned around, only to find Jenna making her way to us through the crowd.

Her expression was stormy as she reached us and I watched the two of them as they seemed to have a whole conversation through the look they exchanged. Finally, Ro seemed to give in because her shoulders slumped and her face crumpled a bit.

Jenna grabbed my arm, her expression turning slightly more gentle as she leaned closer to me. "Hey, Isis. I think you need to see something."

I wanted to protest, but her voice was so grave and her features so somber that I swallowed my objections and followed her as she led me through a lavish living room to sliding glass doors that opened into a massive backyard, complete with a huge pool and lounge chairs –I thought I could even glimpse a tennis court in the distance.

There were partygoers here too, in the hot tub and in the pool. As we walked outside, a girl pushed some guy she'd been passionately kissing into the turquoise water, took off her dress –she was topless beneath it –and dove in after him, only to resume kissing. I felt as though I'd stepped into a music video.

Jenna guided me to one of the lounge chairs we sat down on one, while Ro sat facing us, worrying her lower lip.

Jenna pulled out her cellphone from a small clutch purse that hung off her shoulder on a golden chain.

"We knew you had one of those flip phones, so we figured you didn't have Snapchat," Jenna said softly. I looked up at Ro, but she averted her gaze, her expression still anguished.

She opened her saved videos folder and clicked on one. "I just thought you should see this. I mean, you are Alexei's girlfriend, right? You guys didn't break up?"

"W-we're still together," I stammered, confused. "Did something happen?"

"Just... watch this."

She pressed play.

At first the video was blurred and even after it came into focus, the quality wasn't the best since Jenna had filmed another cellphone's screen.

At first I saw the sea –cerulean blue and infinite, soft waves crashing to the shore –then I saw the people. There were a few of them on the beach, but only one grabbed my attention. Alexei stood in swimming shorts, arm thrown around the shoulders of a petite girl in a skimpy bikini that barely hid her generous curves. The clip was short and played over and over again as he leaned into her to whisper something into her ear. She started laughing and the clip started over again.

The girl was beautiful, her blonde curls in an artful disarray, her sun-kissed caramel-toned skin glowing under the French sun, her smile shining like a star in its own name.

I didn't know what to feel –sure, the girl was prettier than me, but this wasn't exactly something to freak out over and I lifted a quizzical gaze to Ro and then to Jenna.

Jenna shook her head without a word, lips pursed, and swiped at her phone, showing another clip filmed from a cellphone screen. This time, the girl was topless and Alexei had his arms around her midsection, lifting her up in the air. My stomach clenched nervously at the sight and I had the urge to look away, but something told me to keep watching.

He let her down and she twisted around, stood on her toes and pressed her mouth to his.

I swore I could feel my heart stop, my blood freeze in my veins as I watched him wrap his arms around her and pull her up to him, deepening the kiss. There was a chorus of muted hoots from the people around them that was cut off abruptly when the clip started all over again, twisting a knife already buried deep between my ribs. The caption at the bottom of the screen read 'What happens in France stays in France'.

My breath hitched in my throat and I finally tore my gaze away from the cellphone screen.

I just sat there for a moment, numb except for the pain that radiated from between my lungs. Every breath felt laboured, as if I was trying to breathe underwater.

Jenna tentatively touched my arm. "I'm sorry, Isis. One of Alexei's friends posted this to his Snapchat story and it felt wrong to hide it from you. I was going to call you, but I just didn't know what would be the best time... I mean, I knew this would ruin your spring break..."

"Thank you for showing me." My voice sounded strangled. I no longer felt numb –my emotions vacillated between rage and bone-deep sorrow. I'd been an idiot to expect anything more than this from him. An idiot to fall for someone so obviously out of my league. "I think... I think I need to be alone for a moment, guys."

Ro and Jenna exchanged a charged look. Jenna gave my arm a gentle squeeze. "If you need us, we'll be inside. Just text me."

Ro patted my shoulder and they were off, not without giving me one last worried glance before they went back inside, disappearing from view.

I sat on the lounge chair for what felt like an eternity, staring into the pool mindlessly.

My heart was pounding a tribal rhythm in my ribcage, each beat more painful than the last.

Somewhere deep down, I knew this was going to happen, but I'd managed to convince myself that at least part of my life could resemble a fairy tale, with a handsome prince and his glass castle in a fancy part of town. I knew that the novelty of me would wear off eventually and that he would find some other girl, prettier, more exotic and exciting. It had only been a matter of time. 

Then again, maybe this was just karma for all the treacherous thoughts I'd been having about Gabe lately. Still, it felt like a disproportionate punishment –no matter how wrong, they had only been just that: thoughts. 

I stood up and caught my reflection in the dark glass of the sliding doors. I felt foolish –I looked foolish. A kid dressed in their mother's clothes, pretending to be someone they were not.

I went back inside and looked around, searching the crowd for Aidan. Might as well get this over with and go home, where I could change back into joggings and a loose tee before curling up in bed under the shield of my covers.

Aidan was no longer in his previous spot. I elbowed my way through the throngs of dancing people until I reached the grand staircase and climbed a couple of steps to get a better look at the crowd beneath. I scanned the crowd methodically, but people kept moving and shifting and my dumb luck seemed to have abandoned me. After a couple of minutes of futile searching, I got back down, my heart sinking.

Something inside me snapped at last. All my energy seemed to have seeped out of me. Shoulders slumped, I made my way through the crowd, needing to get away from all of this. The air here was stifling, the music painfully loud and my body seemed to be rebelling against it all by sending waves of nausea crashing through me.

I didn't drink anything, but the first thing I did once I was outside was to throw up into some bushes that grew beside the stairs. No one even seemed to notice, and I was grateful for this small mercy.

I wiped my mouth unceremoniously and made my way to Tina's car, parked a few streets down. There were still people arriving to the party and I was the only one going against the current of incoming students, arms wrapped around myself.

I kept my eyes on the ground and didn't notice anyone or anything, until someone placed a gentle hand on my arm.

I looked up and met Gabe's dark, bottomless eyes. He looked passably worried and I wondered what it was he saw in my face. I wondered if everything I felt was written all over me, a poem of bearing and expressions, a clear projection of what went on inside my head.

"Hey," he said gently. "You good?"

I wanted to lean into him, to borrow some of his steady strength, but then I saw the person standing next to him. She was the girl I'd seen in his apartment and the one who'd accompanied him to that fundraiser –seeing her there, next to him, sent a pang of unwarranted jealousy down my spine.

"I'm fine," I said, looking away from him and stepping back. "I'll get going. Have a nice night."

I didn't look at him again as I slipped away from them, miserable, cold and shivering. 

~A/N~

so like, i know that all the apologies in the world are not enough to make you forgive me for being the slowest updater ever, but so many things have been happening in my life that i just couldn't find the time to write.

for one, i graduated from uni (fina-fucking-lly) and got a job and now i'm stuck in an eternal routine of 9-to-5'ing. 

at least i'm not broke anymore i guess.

in any case, thanks for reading. let me know what you think, it's always a blast to read your comments!