02. maybe it’s the hysteria
(only for you)

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You know, mornings were Koki’s thing.

It’s the time of the day when he’s boneless, and soft, and just—safe, in a way. Mornings were cold air on your skin and warm blankets and the whirring blair of the fan in the middle of a dead silent room. It’s having a mug of coffee by your hands until it burns through your palm while you hear the water pitter-patter to the ground from the shower leak because that’s how old your house feels. Sometimes it’s how old he feels in the mornings.

No, he doesn’t really watch the sunrise. There’s nothing to watch it from. They’re a neighbourhood, and there’s just houses after houses. There is absolutely nothing to watch the sunrise from. Though he tried it once. Up in his room, too young to have his hair dyed, waiting there by the window before it was even dawn. It was useless. His room just went from dim to dimly lit with those little orange lights peeking from the blinds he didn’t open. He was there, by his window, ten, wondering where the sun was.

Watch it from the roof! Maybe you’ll say. Koki isn’t a psychopath. People fall from fucking roofs. He was ten. He liked living too much.

He was now eighteen. What difference does it make? People still fall from goddamn roofs. He still liked living. Hospital bills are also a pain in the ass, and that’s another thing about Koki: they’re not rich. Covering bills for a fall from a roof wasn’t ideal when you’re already struggling enough to budget for the month.

They’re in Tokyo, you see, so it’s a little hard to fit the mold. But it’s not something he exclusively says. It’s not like his friends were rich. They were comfortable, he supposes. He was, too. Comfortable. Not rich, not poor. Just something in the middle.

Koki says that, but you know, Lev was the well-off cousin. Kuroo has a pretty nice house. Big, even. The one you hang in. Kenma’s a little more obvious. He had what he wanted when he asked. Oh, a new PSP? Go get it. This just released game? Oh, why didn’t you say so?

And then there’s Koki who needs to work a part-time job and enter dance competitions just to get his own type of teenage fun. He tries not to hold it over their heads, because it’s not their fault. But it just tastes a little... bitter. Not something he can help, so he doesn’t think of it much.

He appreciates them, still. Of course he does. It’s just a little bit of green jealousy of how they were brought up. Lev, especially. He’s family, but they’re so different.

And it gets a lot harder to not notice when sometimes Lev gives him a can of Dr. Pepper most breaks because he apparently bought too much. Sometimes he gives him the occasional sandwich because, ha, guess, he bought too much. Thing is, Lev’s a bad fucking liar. He’s lying if he scratches his cheek. He’s lying if he picks at his nails. He’s lying if he’s talking too fast and avoiding your eyes. (It’ll get him in trouble one day.)

And they’re not even in the same year, but he still goes out of his way. He’s—the sweetest thing sometimes. Clumsy around the edges, but he’s one of the best people to have around.

The others do it too, maybe purposely, maybe unconsciously. Kuroo loses bets way too often for it to be a coincidence. Next thing Koki knows he’s a thousand yen or so richer. Kenma shares his games with him, then just never asks for them back.

So—see. They’re good friends. They give him what they can while not forcing the fact upon Koki. It’s just mostly his fault, the way he thinks. He should change it, he knows. It’s not a way to be grateful.

Some things just take time. Koki allows himself that.

This wasn’t really the point, anyway. This was supposed to be just a little bit about his mornings and the sun.

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The thing about feelings was when you think they’re gone, they suddenly creep out and freak you the fuck out.

And it comes in the weirdest ways.

You know, because this was weird. Who falls back in love—in like—oh whatever, once they see their best friend review for their chemistry exam? He’s memorizing the periodic table, Koki, you idiot, this isn’t supposed to be attractive.

But Kuroo had glasses on and he was focused and he’s got that little crease in his brows and have you seen him—are you seeing him right now—he’s probably memorized that whole thing already down to its numbers or back to back or something. What’s even in the back. Koki hasn’t touched that thing since they started.

“Koki,” Kuroo calls out.

I do, says Koki’s mind. The fucking traitor.

“I’m reviewing, I swear to God—look. My English notes are out.”

Kuroo looks at him in a deadpan, then. Glasses askew and mouth a little upturned telling you he’s amused. He can go and die. “We have nothing on English tomorrow, moron.”

“I call this advanced reading,” Koki racks his brain for their schedule. He can’t have Kuroo knowing he’s losing his mind or something. “We have a test on it next week.”

“Yeah? And you’re sooo read up on Chem, Koki, you genius,” Kuroo says, elongating that so with a cute little annoying funny face you kind of want to punch and then kiss the hell out of.

“I am a genius,” Yeah, he was not. “And what about you? You’ve already read that blasted table. You’ve known what’s in it since like, middle school. The hell you looking at that again for?”

Kuroo sticks his tongue out. Oh, is he testing me, Koki thought. Is this the test. “It’s interesting!”

“Nerd,” Koki snorted. But he liked Kuroo and he liked nerds so who the fuck was he kidding.

Really, he’s fooling no one here. Not even his useless English notes. He doesn’t even like that subject. What reading. What review. He was only here because Kuroo wanted to do this. (On God, it was a goddamn weekend. He should be watching movies and fixing his room’s floorboard and then breaking it again. But he’s here.)

So what was that he said again, that thing about feelings? Yeah, you think they’re gone, then one minute it’s there and it’s laughing at your miserable face because. You. Are. A. Joke.

And then it’s a horrible, horrible road to acceptance again. All about that italicized Oh. As in, oh, feelings. Sometimes it’s: oh fuck, feelings.

Koki would rather get hair fall, thanks. And that’s saying something considering how he worships his hair.

Because really, this started out fairly innocent. Experimenting on boyhood. Think you’re attracted to guys? Not sure? Oh, date your best friend, try to see if it works! Not a glowing advertisement, but still the stupidest thing Koki has ever done. Bar none.

Yeah, didn’t work on Kuroo, he said. Or maybe it was just Koki, he said again. (Like that didn’t feel like a punch to the gut. Maybe it’s not the gender, Koki? Maybe it’s you? Yes, of course that’s something he wanted to hear. Highlight of his day after he caught feelings.)

Before all this, Koki had peaceful mornings. Steaming mugs. Walks to school romanticizing the quiet road until you reach the main city. Enjoying a bit of school then cursing it most of the time. Hanging out with friends. Sunset on an open plain so he actually sees it. Then home. Wait for your parents and watch them argue over the television channel. Sleep. Not think.

Pretty simple. He’s not a complicated person. Layers upon layers are for Capricorns. He’s not a fan.

Things change after the first chapter oh fuck feelings. The second one would probably be something similar. He’s not sure. After all of it, he got weekends reviewing for exams, actually having to read science stuff up just to decode whatever the fuck Kuroo’s trying to say, and then mostly just? Everything? With him? He’s having a peaceful morning and he wonders about how Kuroo’s stupid hair looks like when it’s that early. Walks to school hoping he was walking along with him, which is. Weird. Too sappy. Shouldn’t have crossed his mind, ever. Sleep. Think of the floorboards he’s gonna fix tomorrow and then slips in Kuroo.

It’s dangerous and he’s setting himself up for heartbreak.

Oh, but was that the point? He thought it was supposed to be just about a boy and his there-not-there feelings.

It’s all it should be about, anyway. Koki’s still got to stretch his legs before he runs to get hurt. Risky teenage stuff. Daredevil things. Pining. Pining again, on another level.

Maybe he’ll get something to tell his morning coffee mug, if he cries about it. They were both getting too lonely.

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note. [breaks the door] [screams] IT’S BEEN TWO YEARS happy anniversary, everyone ahahahahhaa is anyone even still reading this

also i edited chap 1 a bit but it still sucks so if the writing changed sm for u since it’s been two years.... no it didn’t

anyway wanted to update this exactly oct 27 since that’s when i wrote the first chap then never gave it a second glance again lmao BUT writing (i think i did more rambling here) just when you’re getting chased by deadlines is so spicy.... so exciting...... so sexy....... so i picked this up for fun

this chapter had like zero meaning whatsoever since if u can’t already tell the chapter title is about ME lol characters who it’s ME IM HYSTERICAL a little