"choke this love till the veins start to shiver." 

Journal Entry #538

and when it was all said and done, all that remained was the shell of a one-sided love and the bones of a lover that held onto it far too long. 

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"What do you want to do today?" I asked Andrew, who was acting a little down today.

He shrugged. "Doesn't matter."

It's been a week of us pretending to be dating and he's been down ever since. I laid my hand on his shoulder. "Andrew, what's up with you?"

"What's up with me?!" He shouted, making me flinch.

"Oh, I'll tell you what's wrong with me, I'm pretend dating the girl I've always had a crush on since I was five and I've been having to keep a smile on my face and be happy for her, even though she loves someone that's not me!"

I stood there, my mouth wide open, shocked at every word he spilled out. I couldn't find any words to form in my mouth, I just stood there like an idiot watching as tears rolled down his face.

"A-Andrew, I didn't know. Why didn't you tell me?" I ran over to him and pulled him into a tight hug, wiping off the tears rolling down his cheeks.

He shook his head. "You were just so focused on making Soda have feelings for you, I didn't want to get in the way of it."

I sighed, running my hands through my hair. "Andrew, you should've never agreed to it."

He scoffed. "What? I was going to be hurt either way."

I frowned and leaned my head on his shoulder while rubbing his back continously.  "I'm so so sorry, Andrew. I never meant to hurt you."

He managed to give me a small smile. "Don't worry about it, Kota."

There was a knock at the door and I got up to go open it, my eyes widening once I saw Soda.

I quickly turned back to Andrew, and he chuckled, waving his hand. "Go ahead."

I smiled gratefully and closed the door behind me to meet face to face with a soaking wet Soda. It was pouring rain outside.

I knitted my eyebrows in confusion. "Soda, what are you doing all the way out here in the rain?"

He sighed. "Dakota, I'm sorry. I always denied it because I'm just too scared, but I-I love you. A lot."

Once again, I was left shocked. The rain was pounding against my skin and I was soaking wet just as Soda. 

"It's okay if you don't feel the same anymore. I know you're dating Andrew, I just wanted to let you know."

"Soda, Andrew and I weren't actually dating!" I exclaimed.

Happiness was etched across his face. "Are you serious?"

I nodded my head and squealed as he spun me around in the rain, me clinging onto him tightly.

[am I the only one who thought about The Notebook??]

He let me down and I sighed, thinking back to the conversation I had with Andrew. "Soda, I-I can't date you just yet."

He furrowed his eyebrows. "What's wrong?"

"A-Andrew has had feelings for me this whole time. He's just kept it secret. I can't do that to him."

He frowned and nodded his head, understanding. "Well, whenever you're ready, I'll be there."

I smiled. "I know you will."

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"What movie? To Kill a Mockingbird or Breakfast at Tiffany's?" I held up the two movies waiting for Andrew to decide which one.

"Breakfast at Tiffany's." He replied, making me chuckle. He had the hugest crush on Audrey Hepburn.

I put the movie in and laid on the couch right beside him as we ate popcorn.

Halfway into the movie he sighed. "Dakota, I don't want you doing all this just because you feel bad for me."

I shook my head. "Andrew, what are you talking about?"

He narrowed his eyes at me. "Tell me then, what did Soda say to you outside?"

I held my breath as he watched my facial expressions closely. "H-he told me he loved me. He said he'd wait for me whenever I was ready."

The words came out as a whisper and I felt like I was killing him with every word I said.

He nodded his head. "Exactly, and you feel bad for me so you're doing all of this."

I shook my head. "Andrew-"

"No, just forget it. I'm going to bed, Dakota. Goodnight." He spat, retreating to his bedroom.

I sighed and buried my face in my hands.

I might have just lost my best friend.

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"You okay? You seem a little out of it today." Soda asked, concern in his voice.

I shrugged. "I'm fine."

He rolled his eyes and put his hands on my shoulders. "What's wrong, KoKo-Puffs?"

Tears started falling down my eyes and he pulled me into a hug. "I think I just ruined my friendship with Andrew."

He pulled away from me and furrowed his eyebrows. "What? That's ridiculous! You and him never fight."

I laughed sarcastically as tears continued to fall down my face. "Yeah, well you tell him that."

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Sodapop

I knocked on the front door, smiling at him as he opened the door. "Andrew, can I talk to you for just a minute?"

He sighed and stepped aside to let me in. "Look, if this is about-"

I put my hand up. "Look, if you really love Dakota, I'll step back. You've really been there for her and it's not fair for me to just swoop in and take her from you."

He shook his head. "Soda, don't do that. She's happy."

I shrugged. "She's happy with you too."

"Soda, you don't understand what you're doing. Stepping back will kill you."

"If it makes Dakota happy, I'll do it. She hates seeing you mad at her, Andrew. For God's sake, go ask her out! Take her on a date, make her feel beautiful, tell her how important she is, do all of it." I breathed, shooting him a small smile.

Andrew bit his lip. "Soda..."

"I'll just tell her I'm back with Sandy even though I'm not. That'll make her run back to you." I explained, coming up with more ideas.

Andrew put his hand on my shoulder. "Soda! That's going to hurt her even more! Just go with her, okay?"

I shook my head being stubborn. "No, I see the way she looks at you Andrew, she cares about you a lot. Maybe even more than she cares about me. Just go."

Andrew sighed. "You don't know what you're getting yourself into, Soda."

"I don't, but it's worth it if it makes her happy."

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this chapter legit made me cry