[my stupid self switched up the lyrics from last chapter and the one below. the one below was supposed to be the lyrics for last chapter and vise-versa, but oh well.]

"one last breath till the tears start to wither."

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Journal Entry #529

brave girl, you were made for far more beautiful things. chaos is only understood when it is loved by the wild, not the weak.

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"Dakota, are you okay? You've been acting weird ever since I mentioned the rope swing at the river." Soda furrowed his eyebrows at me as us, along with the gang, started walking towards the river.

I shot him an assuring smile and shook my head, turning my attention back towards the ground. "It's nothing."

He smirked at me. "What? You afraid of heights?"

I would've laughed, but instead I just simply shook my head. "No, it's nothing. You wouldn't understand. Well, you may, but I don't feel like explaining it."

He kept his concerning gaze on me, a million questions probably running through his mind. He didn't say a word to me the whole way there after that and the only sound heard was Two-Bit hooting and hollering, trying to wake up people sleeping.

Once we arrived, the chilling wind found its way across my skin, making goosebumps travel all across my body. I shivered and my teeth started chattering, along with Ponyboy and Johnny's. Two-Bit slapped me on the back playfully, making me go forward into Soda.

"Oh, you're a bunch of little babies! Don't be afraid of a little cold!"

After I pushed myself off of Soda, I growled and spun around towards Two-Bit. I felt a sudden irritation towards everyone and I realized it was a bad idea that I came. Coming here and going on the rope swing brings back painful memories.

Memories that I don't want to explain to anyone.

"I'm not afraid of the cold, I'm just freezing because it's fall and you idiots want to jump in freezing water!" I shouted, my voice shaking each time it got louder.

Dallas shook his head. "What'd I tell ya? Soc's never change. She's still a bitc-"

"Finish that sentence and I won't hesitate to slice your neck, bastard." I snapped, pushing him so he fell into the ice cold water.

Everyone started giggling, trying to stifle a laugh once Dallas came out soak and wet. He shot me a death glare and I shot one back, turning on my heels and walking back towards my house.

"Dakota! Dakota!" Soda kept yelling for me, but I ignored him and continued to walk away, tears falling down my face. It was so cold, the tears might as well have been frozen on my pale face.

A pair of hands landed on my shoulders and spun me around towards them. I glanced up and found Soda staring at me intently, his breath coming out in a white cloud. "What's wrong, Dakota? Tell me."

I shook my head and pushed him away, like I do with everyone now. "I don't want to tell you anything! What part of that don't you understand?!"

We were standing in the middle of the street, both of us not caring if we got ran over at the moment, just Soda caring about me. And I didn't care at all. I wanted to disappear.

"Dakota, for the last time, you can trust me! I know you think I'm just some dirty Greaser who has no respect for anything, but I'm not! You can tell me! Hell, I could even help you if you just let me!" Soda was now raising his voice to the point where just about anyone could hear him, but not me.

I was close to him and I still couldn't hear him.

Not yet.

"I don't think you're a dirty Greaser, Soda." I whispered and walked away, leaving him standing there in the middle of the road. That was all I could say.

I couldn't scream back at him and say, 'I don't want to do this because it was exactly what my brother and I did before he passed away and it bring me too much pain!'

Because that would only cause him to give me pity. It would make me tell him everything about me. Who I once was and who I used to be.

And like I said, I can't let anyone in. All they do is disappear and never come back.

So, that night, instead of swinging on a rope swing at night with a bunch of great people, I walked home silently, chattering my teeth as the October wind sliced at my skin.

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"What are you going to be for Halloween, Kota?" Cherry asked while she took a bite of french fries.

I shrugged. "I don't know yet. Bob and I usually always did something coordinating, but.... you know."

She nodded her head, knowing to not speak further about the topic. "Well, I think Marcia and I are going to dress as ghosts, but I don't even know if I want to dress up this year." She sighed, glancing out at the window.

"You still going to Randy's annual Halloween party?" I questioned, taking a sip of my hot chocolate.

She nodded. "Yeah, we worked everything out. We're just friends now, but you know I couldn't pass up the chance of going to one of his parties, especially the Halloween one. They're quite memorable." She started giggling at past memories and I smiled, leaving out money on the table.

I started standing up and she knitted her eyebrows. "You're leaving already? We just got here a few minutes ago."

I put my hands in my jacket pocket. "I'd love to stay, but I have to go say something important to someone."

She nodded even though she was confused and watched as I went out the door, running towards my car. I owe the gang a huge apology.

Soda

"I thought you said Dakota liked Greasers now." Ponyboy furrowed his eyebrows as we all sat in the living room, all of us on the couch except for Two-Bit, who was sprawled out on the floor keeping his eyes glued to Mickey Mouse.

I shook my head. "She does. You guys just don't understand. Something was wrong with her last night, I could tell."

Dallas scoffed. "Yeah, something is wrong with her. She pushed me in the cold water for God's sake!"

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever. Dakota is a good person, a lot of stuff has happened to her to make her be that way."

"I agree with Soda. Dakota actually is a funny person. You all just caught her on a bad day." Steve shrugged, making me chuckle.

He'd kill me if I told Dakota he took up for her.

There was a knock on the door and I stood up to go answer it. I opened the door and my eyes went wide. "Dakota?"

"Mind if I come in?"

I let her in and she glanced at the gang and then at me. "I owe you all an apology. I-I the rope swing just... it's not something I want to talk about, but I hope you all understand."

They all shot her a smile making her relax a bit more. She turned towards me and bit her lip, something I always catch her doing when she's nervous. "Randy is having a Halloween party Saturday and I was wondering if you all wanted to come."

They all started yelling in excitement, making her laugh. "I'll see y'all there." She started walking out and I followed her onto the porch.

She turned around towards me and took a deep breath. "I acted like that because of Lucas. We always used to go there."

And with that, she turned on her heels and left. I smiled at her and the thought of her opening up to me made me happier than I think it should.

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hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! i'm on fall break, so expect more updates than you usually get!