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Brett

I felt hopeful as my eyes scanned the cafeteria for Becca, I was impatient to see her. Something changed in her this morning, something that had me grinning like a fool all damn day. 

Her eyes weren't guarded as they usually were. She didn't hesitate when I touched her, she just reacted. She leaned into me. She allowed me to wrap my arm around her. Hell, she smiled when I did and leaned in closer to me, wanting even more than I was giving her.

I. Was. So. Happy.

I passed her notes in class and she giggled like a child, reminding me of middle school. That was the last time I had a crush on a girl.

But having a crush on Becca felt so much better, it felt right. Or, maybe 'crush' wasn't the right word. What I felt for her was new to me, and I struggled to understand it. But I didn't need to understand, I felt it. I felt it every time she looked at me, every time she smiled at me. I felt it deep down in my heart and I felt like I was going to die if I didn't kiss her soon.

She agreed to let me drive her home, and then I would tell her everything; that I wanted her to be my girlfriend, for real this time. I was done with pretending. Fuck that, I needed her to be mine. For real.

Forever, I thought. Scaring myself at how right the word felt.

The door to the cafeteria opened and my heart flipped as I glanced at the door. But it wasn't Becca, it was Jenny.

I rolled my eyes and looked away, turning my attention back to the untouched food on my plate. I couldn't eat, my stomach was knotted with nerves. I kept thinking about what I would say to Becca when we were alone. How I would properly tell her everything I was feeling. I just hoped that she would understand, that she would feel the same way.

I sat at my regular table in the cafeteria, the one that has always been occupied by the football team and cheerleaders. My teammates surrounded me, talking animatedly about the upcoming game this week and deriving strategies. I felt like an outsider looking in.

They didn't handle the news well when I told them I was suspended from the team, but they were hopeful I could get my English grade up in time to play this Friday. And, with Becca's help, I was beginning to think it possible myself.

I would have to schedule another study session with her this week. Maybe one every single night. I smiled at the thought of spending more time with her alone, my mind entering that dangerous territory I tried so hard not to cross into.

I felt someone sit beside me and looked up, catching Jenny's eye as her face hovered too close to mine.

"Jen," I greeted her, shifting to my left and putting more space between us. This girl was practically trying to sit on my damn lap.

She pouted beside me as I moved away from her but quickly recovered her composure, smiling at me and wrapping her hand around my bicep.

"We missed you at the game on Friday, Brett." She said, her voice taking on that baby-tone she did every time she spoke to me. Why? Who knew. Girls always did that crap around me, I never understood it.

But Becca didn't. She was the only girl who treated me like a normal person, not some slab of meat they wanted to sleep with.

I grunted in response, my eyes scanning the cafeteria for the hundredth time as I looked for Becca. I moved my arm, satisfied when Jenny's hand fell off of it and back into her lap.

Jenny sighed beside me and I turned my attention to her. She was watching me intently, one eyebrow arched quizzically.

"You're looking for Becca, aren't you?" She asked, suddenly annoyed as she crossed her arms tightly over her chest.

None of your damn business, I thought. She was quickly beginning to get on my nerves. I didn't want Becca to walk in and see me talking to her and get the wrong idea.

I ignored Jenny and continued to look around the cafeteria but, once again, Becca was nowhere to be found. She should be here by now. Where was she?

"You need to move on, Brett. Becca has..." she trailed off, her words snapping me back to attention as I quickly turned my head to look at her. She was shrugging, a knowing smile playing on her lips.

"What the hell does that mean?" I snapped, unable to hide the hurt from my voice. Becca has moved on? What the hell?

Jenny looked at me sheepishly and bit her lip. She was trying to look innocent but I wasn't buying the bullshit she was selling.

"Jenny," I warned. "Tell me. Now."

She sighed, beginning to twirl a strand of hair around her finger before she spoke. "She's in the hall talking to my brother, Brett. They're going on a date next weekend..." She trailed off, shrugging as she smiled happily.

My heart stopped beating as anger overpowered every single part of my body and mind. I stood up before I even knew what I was doing and ran towards the door to the cafeteria. I could hear Jenny calling my name behind me but I didn't care. I ignored her and the all the stares being thrown my way and kept walking.

I pushed the door open with so much force it slammed into the wall and came unhinged at the top of the door frame, the loud noise vibrating through the cafeteria.

I looked down the hallway and, like Jenny said, there she was. Becca was standing in front of Parker, whose back was to me, and she was saying something to him. A beautiful smile was in her face as she looked up at him, her eye wide like she was hanging off his every word. Why was she looking at him like that? I felt jealous. No, I was beyond jealous. The anger I felt was blinding me, I couldn't think straight.

How could she agree to go on a date with Parker? I thought she felt the same way I did.

She doesn't, my mind taunted, laughing at me and making me second guess everything I ever felt.

Before I knew what I was doing, my feet led me down the hallway. I glared at the back of Parker's head, wanting him far away from my girl.

At the same time, they both turned and looked at me and that pissed me off even more. It was like their movements were choreographed, like they shared some mental connection I couldn't understand. I didn't look at Becca, my gaze remained fixed on Parker's face as I imagined the satisfying crack of my knuckle meeting his nose.

"Brett!" She yelled, her voice momentarily removing me from my anger-driven state. But I didn't look at her. If I did, I would break. One look at Becca's eyes and I would be back, but I didn't want to be back. I wanted to let the anger I felt take control. It curled around my fingers, silently urging me to finish this.

The look in Becca's eyes as she stared up at Parker burned through my mind. The smile on her face. The way her body leaned into him as he spoke. Like she couldn't get enough of him. I imagined them on their date this weekend. Him dropping her off at home and kissing her, kissing the lips that had only ever touched mine.

I couldn't take it anymore.

I walked straight up to him and punched him in the face with so much force and anger that it petrified me. Parker's body slammed backwards, knocking into the lockers before he slid to the ground, a fountain of blood pouring down his face.

For a second he was gone and my father stood in front of me. I could see his face perfectly, so similar to Parker's as blood trailed down his nose after the first time I punched him. But this didn't feel the same way. Punching me father felt gratifying for a moment, but this just felt wrong. I looked at Becca and I knew I fucked up.

Her eyes were fixed on Parker's limp form, her face a pure mask of horror as she watched the endless blood run down his face. Her eyes left Parker and she turned to me. They were cold and distant, she had never looked at me like that before.

"What is wrong with you?" Her words cut through me like knives, making something in my chest break into a million tiny pieces.

She looked afraid.

Afraid of me.

My knees went weak. I felt like I was going to fall to the ground. Her eyes killed me. The happiness and hope in them from this morning was gone. She looked disgusted. Like she was staring at a complete stranger.

And I realized that she was. Becca had never seen me like this before. She had never seen the anger take over me to the point where I felt like even I couldn't find myself under all the pain.

I wanted to hold her and tell her I would never hurt her, because I wouldn't. Never.

"Becca," I pleaded, willing her to stay.

Stay with me. Please. I couldn't bear to see her leave me. Not now. Not ever.

I took a step towards her and she backed away, her eyes widening in horror. My heart burned in my chest, a blinding pain worse than anything I had ever felt coursed through my body.

"Stay away from me," she spat, her voice sharp like she knew exactly what she was saying. My entire body froze, my face flinched as if she just slapped me.

Her words sank into my head, burning their way through my body as the realization hit me: she meant every word of it.

She wanted me gone. My heart ached for her, but she turned away. She turned towards Parker, quickly sitting beside him and holding his head in her hands, a way she never held mine.

I felt empty. A chill running through my body as I suddenly felt cold. I watched her kneel before Parker, holding him with such care that my heart broke all over again.

"Becca?" I begged, willing her to turn around as my voice broke on her name.

I willed her to choose me. To turn around and just look at me, to see me for who I really was. Not the version of myself that took control seconds ago. That wasn't me.

Her back remained to me, completely ignoring my words. She didn't care.

She chose him. Of course she did. Her mind was already made up when she agreed to go on a date with him this weekend.

A date.

My face fell in defeat as I watched her hopelessly for a moment, waiting for her to turn around but she never did.

So I did instead.

I turned away. What else was I supposed to do? This is what she wants. The look of disgust on her face played through in my mind and I turned quickly and walked away, ashamed of myself.

I kept walking until I was outside where I leaned against the brick wall and willed my heartbeat to return to normal.

I thought today would change everything. I thought Becca and I would finally have a chance, a chance to explore the feelings I knew we both felt. But I was wrong. Today did change everything, but not in the way I expected it to.

Becca was gone. She remained in the hallway while I was out here like a coward, hiding from the pain I just caused.

I turned and slammed my fist into the brick, over and over again until my knuckle was bloody and numb from the pain. If only I could do the same thing with my heart and my head. I didn't want to feel anymore.

She chose him, I thought, feeling my heart rip out of my chest all over again as the realization hit me hard.

My heart struggled to pull me back inside, back to Becca so I could make everything right. I didn't know if that was even possible, but it wanted me to try. But my head said the opposite. It told me to leave. That going back in there would only make things worse. I wasn't thinking straight right now, I felt too many powerful emotions that I couldn't differentiate between right and wrong.

So I left.

Stay away from me, she had said, her eyes looking right through me. Her stare was cold and distant, like she was already gone.

Fine, I thought. If that's what she wanted, I would give her that. It would kill me, it already was, but I would stay away.

I slowly walked away from school, away from Becca. I felt defeated.

Defeated and utterly hopeless.

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