**TRIGGER WARNING** Discussion of abortion and depiction of alcoholism.

I won't push my plight on you

The tide is low along with my conscience

Spread this hope, lay low for awhile

Where is my mother to hold me?

I've fallen down with the day

Seeking advice in your sweet arms

No longer can I stand

Your pale arms wrapped around me

Holding me down in this watery grave

Beautiful brown hair now wisps of green

Floating, extending, yearning

To see the light of day

My water-logged doll

My salt of the earth

What have I done to you my dearest?

My legs were faltering

You should have let me down gently

Into this lush honeyed abyss

Instead of trying to put out my fire

Let me burn, just turn to ash

You've been here too long I fear

Run away with the first chance you get

--The song Flaming Legs, lyrics by Orion Bauwens

I end up not enjoying my break at all. My only reprieve is Christmas itself. But the next day my first thought is, one of my best friends might've accidentally knocked up my other best friend, and what the fuck would they do then?

Matters are made worse by not hearing from Orion. I told him to reach out to me if he needs anything, but it's radio silence. When I go to sleep at night I can't help but stare out my window at Stacy's. Our bedrooms face each other. When we were little, we used to have a mail basket hooked up between the two windows on a pulley system. I picture her pig-tailed young face smiling at me, giggling as we sent each other weirder and weirder things in the basket.

And now that same girl who sent me a live frog in the basket once might be pregnant. She might be a mom. Or she might get an abortion. It was too much for me, so I could only imagine what they were going through.

"Hey," I tell Orion the first day we're back, setting my lunch tray down.

He looks up at me. He then flicks his eyes back down. "Hey."

"No lunch?"

"Not hungry."

I look around in paranoia, and then lean in. "So?"

He sighs and sits up, stretching. He then goes back to slouching. He furtively glances around before answering. "She took some tests and they came back negative."

"That's wonderful!"

"She still hasn't gotten her period..."

"Er--you guys use protection?"

"Of course we do!" he snaps at me.

"Well I didn't know! Damn, dude..."

"Sorry."

"Did anything happen? Like, did something break?"

"No...not that we know of, anyway. Everything seemed fine."

"Has she been to a clinic?"

Orion sits up and blinks. He then breaks out into laughter. The more he laughs, the more annoyed I'm getting.

"What?"

"Yeah, right," he leans in and growls, pissed, "let me go march up to her super religious parents and say, 'Hey guys! I deflowered your precious little girl and now she might be walking around with my baby. Couldja drop us off at the clinic? Thanks!'"

I open my mouth to respond but he keeps going.

"Or how do you think my parents would react?" He glares off to the side. "I wouldn't be able to walk anymore and Stacy would probably be locked up in our crawl space, forever."

"Well you did this!" I snap at him urgently. "You have to do something! The longer time goes on the less options you have!"

"You think I don't know that?"

"It's been weeks Orion! Every week that passes--"

He gets up. "Forget it."

I'm stunned as he starts walking away. "What? Orion. Orion, wait!"

But instead I watch him march to the doors and angrily push them open without looking back.

~

Orion doesn't attend lunch the rest of the week, so I don't see him. I worry endlessly. By Friday I'm such a mess I'm thinking about approaching Stacy. I know she'd hate that though. Orion specifically told me that night at the start of Winter Break that I wasn't to tell a soul. He said that they had discussed telling me, but she was too embarrassed. I didn't want to get Orion in trouble with her...

But this was serious. This wasn't grade school secrets, kid shit. This was the rest of their lives, and possibly a new person. A new human being. God, neither of them were ready for that. Not at all. So I vow to myself I'm going to approach Stacy about it come Monday.

I'm happy when I never get that far. It's not even seven thirty in the morning. I'm making my way to my first class that starts in a few minutes. Ben and I are walking together.

Behind us, we hear someone screaming. Just a long, drawn-out "woo!". Everyone is moving out of the way. Ben and I stop, turning around.

A familiar black blur barrels past us. Orion hits us both in the back of the head as he runs, still screaming. He has the biggest smile on his face that I've ever seen. His joyful explosion could only mean one thing.

I sigh and shake my head, continuing to walk as everyone gets out of the way as Orion continues to sprint down the hallway. Ben looks at me.

"What was that about?" Ben asks.

"He's very lucky."

Ben looks confused. But I refuse to say anything after that.

~

You'd think, after having a weeks-long scare like that, it would've made them be smarter about things. You'd think that once Stacy turned seventeen over the summer she would've gone on birth control. You'd think that Orion might've thought of it.

But they were still kids. We were all still just kids. We were way too young for what was just cresting over the horizon, unknown to any of us.

The summer going into Junior Year slipped by regularly. Ben and I devoted ourselves to our band, our band that had gone through several, strange, name changes. That summer, we were The Summerfield Wasps. Don't ask, I couldn't tell you. No fucking clue how we came to that. I couldn't even tell you who came up with it.

Orion and Stacy hung around whenever we practiced. We started referring to them as our groupies. Occasionally we still would try to get Orion to join, but he refused. We're sad when he won't even sing for Stacy, regardless how much any of us beg him.

It's the middle of July when everything starts to crumble. The day started out normal enough. I had nothing on my agenda, so I was just lounging in the living room, flipping through the TV channels. My mom was at work and my dad was on the road.

The doorbell rings. I look out the peephole. It's Orion, and he looks like he's about to crawl out of his skin. He's looking to his right at Stacy's house. He's got his thumb pressed against his bare arm so hard I can see an indentation. 

I watch him for a while, trying to make out if he's crying, as he chews on his bottom lip. When he goes to ring the doorbell again, I open the door before he can.

"Hi!" I greet as cheerfully as I can.

Instead of answering he holds up a pregnancy test. A positive pregnancy test. He's still looking at Stacy's house.

I grab him by the wrist and yank him inside. He's slipped the test into his jeans pocket, just standing there. I don't know what to do. He probably doesn't know what to do. Finally his eyes focus on me and he blinks.

"Uh," I say awkwardly. "My parents aren't home."

Orion nods.

"Um. Did you want something to drink?"

"Yeah, a bottle of vodka."

I want to chide him but I can't. Instead I just lead him into the kitchen. He sits and I go to the fridge.

"What do you want? Milk, water, orange juice, apple juice?" I pull out a bottle and screw up my face at it. "We got some weird pineapple mango shit."

"Whatever."

So I pour him the pineapple mango shit since it's still in my hand. I give it to him and sit across from him. Orion takes a sip and looks at me. "Okay seriously, this would be delicious with vodka."

"Since when do you drink vodka?"

"Do you have any?"

I roll my eyes but go beneath the sink where my parents keep their alcohol. I call his bluff, sliding the bottle to him. Without hesitation he opens it, pours some in, and mixes it with his pinky. When he's done he licks his finger and tries some. Instead of making a disgusting face like I expected him to, he grins.

"This really is good. You should try some."

I give him a disgusted look and put the alcohol away. "If my mom catches you, we're both dead..."

"Nah," he says, drinking some more. "I'd slip out the garage and take the cup with me. She'd be none the wiser."

I decide to switch gears then. "So..."

To my alarm Orion chugs his drink. He then gets to his feet, walking over to the sink. I turn in my chair. He leans against the sink with both hands, staring out the window.

"We decided she's getting an abortion."

I close my eyes. "When?"

"Her parents are going on vacation next week to their cabin in Wisconsin. She's going to pretend she's sick and is going to stay home." I watch as he shakes his head. "She won't really have to pretend--she's throwing up a lot. All day."

"I am so sorry."

He puts his head down. "Yeah, well. Me too."

I open my mouth but then close it. I'm trying to think of something to say. I don't want it to be insensitive. I want to tell him something deep and meaningful...but the more time passes and he just stands there, with his back to me, I realize it doesn't matter what the fuck I say, I just have to say something.

"How are you getting there?"

"Uber."

I worry my bottom lip. "I think you guys are doing what's right."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

He turns to me then. His expression is blank, but his eyes tell me everything. They tell me his pain. They tell me his fear. They tell me his shame. They tell me his sadness. "Well could you explain it to me then, because this doesn't feel like the right thing. This doesn't feel like the right thing at all."

And suddenly he's angry, pointing in the direction of Stacy's house. "There's a piece of me--a tiny, minuscule, little piece of me--growing in her. And we're just going to--we're going to throw it away!"

"Orion--"

"And I know what we're doing is the right thing, the practical thing," he snarls those two words, "but in here--" he clutches the fabric at his chest, "in here this doesn't feel right at all. I feel like a failure. I feel like I'm letting down the little cluster of cells."

"Orion," I say, going to him and hugging him. He shoves me off and glares. I hold up my hands. He looks like a feral animal, and I get it. He's scared, and backed into a corner, and doesn't know what to do. "Sorry."

He nods, so I continue.

"If she had this baby, you'd both have to drop out of school. You'd have to get jobs. Your life would be hard--really hard, and I mean for all of you, including that baby."

He looks at his feet. I gently lift his chin so he has to look at me. "Hey. When you have kids eventually--"

He chuckles bitterly.

"Orion. Look at me."

He does.

"When you have kids down the line...You're going to be an amazing father."

He rolls his eyes.

"I'm serious! I know it."

"How could you possibly know something like that?"

"Because you're a good, kind person, Orion. And I know you'll be damned if you let that kid have a childhood like the one you've had."

His expression changes, and he looks surprised by what I'm telling him.

"You're going to be the father you always wished you had. You're going to give that kid the world."

Orion's expression changes again, and now his chin is all wrinkled and his eyes have taken on the look of two fragile glass orbs.

"And Orion...I know this sucks, and I know it's not what you want...But what you and Stacy are going to do, well...You're doing it so you can eventually give your kid the world."

He breaks down, sinking onto the ground. I sit next to him, occasionally rubbing his arm, silently listening to my best friend's heart break.