dear

dear me,

how long do you want to keep up with this charade? how long more do you want to walk through this thick maze and stay trapped in these endless nightmares? how long do you want to sleep like you can't even sleep in mere peace? how long do you want to spend feverish nights up so late till you're bone tired and you can't even think straight? how long do you plan to run away from your problems and all the things you just don't want to face? how long do you plan to escape, escape and escape?

dear me,

for the past years, you've been such a failure – for all the things you never got to do and you let yourself down over and over and over again. you'd think you had the slightest change but no, look where you are now. still stuck in this pathetic state, where you crumble under the smallest pressure because it has been so long and you never learned to grow up. now you're left to fight these battles alone and well so because of you. yourself. always because of you. you you you you you you you. do you ever stop to realise? it's all YOU.

dear me,

when i look back at myself, all i see are never-ending regrets from never-ending struggles from never-ending tragedies from my fallen self. when i look back at me, all i see is how little i have changed for the longest time from my past self and old ways. when i look back, all i see is someone weak, worthless and a cowardice. when i look back, all i see is the me who never worked hard enough to craft the future she could have had. when i look back at me, all i remember are the countless days and nights where i simply grew so sick and tired of my own being. when i look back at me, all i remember are the days where i gave up the fight and gave in to the darkness and the thousands of meaningless temptations. when i look back at me, it reflects the empty and hollow version of the girl who lost everything because of herself.

//

[ short past entry of my thoughts ; october 28 2022 ]

dear me,

it's almost the end of october, so close to the end of the month, the end of 'my' month meant for change and growth yet there's still no definite improvements from me or my life.

inside my thoughts echo:

[ my route and direction is lost, where? where will we go? ]

[ I'm hesitant to move forward, I'm at a crossroads I can't go back ]

[ can you raise me up, up? don't let me down ]

[ I want the revelation, make me right right ]

[ I want to lose the pride that restricts me, I want to live more freely ]

deep in my heart, I know I need to be brutally me before I take the courage to change myself.

"let winter overcome so spring could have a chance to make you alive"

[ I'm trying to exist within my weak self ]

[I want to rewind, I can't make any decisions ]

[ I want to lose this pain I can't cry, cry ]

[ there's no return, that's my life ]

dear me, 

for one last and final time;

(please let go of me. so I can breathe, so I can be free in this passing scene. to the sky that will start to brighten, I will become a spreading light and fly)

 //

dear you, (dear; someone precious, cherished, special – to my gems)

I decided to publish a book on here and that I thought I never would again, because I always wanted to hide the voice in me and tend to shut away from expressing my inner thoughts. but then I remembered you've showed me much kindness and happiness sometimes, you showered me with your love and affection and that made me decide to share with you my heart that I've held back, with the feeling that perhaps someday, you'll know of my heart. and so, I would say to you what I say to you with even more in my heart: dear you who made this year's journey more meaningful:

URANIUM-GIRL / _marrnight / SkylerChase29 / caramelgiggles / Dove-Ina / ethereal_quill / loraeve / me_mysa / ShifnaKm5 / tasteslikegolden / disorientedsun / mypoemattic / Harmony-indark