My tears have charred holes in my pillow, and I feel as though I am deteriorating from the inside out. I made the decision to go to the party that the boys were organizing in the hopes that two weeks would be sufficient time for Clay and I to hash things out and figure out where we stood with each other. As soon as I walked inside the house, it was crystal clear where he stood emotionally about the issue. When we are discussing Clay Cladwell, how is it possible for me to be such an idiot? Even a marriage proposal did not discourage him. It was foolish of me to think that he could ever change. I immediately turn around and go through the front door as soon as he notices me there.

"Raven stop," Clay shouts, " Baby please stop." He begs

"Baby?" I yell at him, "You're not allowed to call me that anymore, I'm not your baby!" While tears stream down his cheeks, he reaches out and grips both of my hands.

"I'm sorry"

"Oh, my god, you're sorry! You didn't look very sorry with all those girls all over you, did you?" I ask, heartbroken that he went back to that.

"Yes, I'm sorry. I'll be honest and say that I've never wanted to see things from your point of view. He points to the house and says, "I'm an asshole for that and what happened in there," and then continues, "I was an idiot, but you're also to blame." As he lowers his head, the phrase, "I just want to find my way back to you" comes out of his mouth.

"I'm to blame? You were the one who insisted on preventing us from having normal lives and wanted to keep your existence hidden for the foreseeable future. You were aware of this when you asked me to be yours, and that's why I'm not going to spend the rest of my life cowering in the corner." As I cry out in anger, the wind kicks up and my tears scorch the grass I'm standing on.

"I'm so sorry baby," He looks at me with sadness in his eyes

"You can't always apologise for your actions, Clay. You embarrassed me by acting foolishly, and you want me to forgive you?" I can feel the fire within me, the wind is blowing stronger, and the tears stop falling from my eyes. "You are not making it any easier. You have to go and make things so complicated, and based on what I just observed, you also like toying with my feelings. Why do you do this to me?"

"Raven-" I cut him off.

"I'm not done." I say firmly. "You have always been a player, and that won't change. There is absolutely nothing that I can do to ever change it. I've come to understand that it's not my fault that you have no idea how to behave like a man. When Brie cautioned me about you in the past, I really should have paid attention to what she had to say."

"Raven, I'm sorry okay, please let's go inside and talk about this."

The more enraged I grow, the brighter the sky gets, and the rain starts coming down in larger, more powerful droplets.

"You told me to trust you."

"You can trust me!" He shouts, moving towards me. He looks sad and hurt, but this isn't all my fault.

"How? You revert to your past actions as a man whore whenever we get into a disagreement." The lightning and thunder are raging above us as I stand here in disbelief at the words that I have just heard coming out of my own damn mouth.

"You know what Raven," He sighs, "Have fun in New York. I'm done trying," And like that, he walks away.

When it starts to rain, I want to be able to hear the thunder. As the ground shakes beneath me, I scream in fear because it seems as though all of my aspirations and preparations for the future are being washed away.

Why do I feel like my life is a game that I'm destined to lose?

The rain is beginning to let up as I make my way home. What has just taken place breaks my heart into a million pieces. Because I never stop to think before I speak, I must be an idiot or completely insane to have just said the things that I did. He expressed regret, but I didn't reciprocate by apologizing in any way, even though all I had to do was acknowledge his apology. I allowed my pride to get in the way, and when everything came to a head, I was the one who was to blame.

I'm drenched as I step into the apartment, and Aunt Lia just stares at me without saying a word. As I make my way past her into my old bedroom, Ms. Danielson yells out that she will make me some hot chocolate to warm me up. As I enter the room, I shout back a "Thank you" in response. As I make my way to the bathroom, I take off all of my wet clothing and change. As I study my reflection in the mirror, I realise that I do not recognize the girl who is standing directly in front of me. If only it could show me the person I used to be, and not the biggest fool I have become, that would be enough for me.

As the night continues, I keep waiting for Clay to come walking through the doors. I can't help but think about it. I toss and turn until I am finally able to get some shut-eye. I'm dozing off and having a pleasant dream when I'm suddenly jolted awake by something that seems like it's tapping on my brain. I jolt myself awake, pull the pillow over my head, and yell out the words that I've spent my entire life trying to avoid saying: "I LOVE YOU!" As I come fully to the realisation that the dream was about Clay. I'm in love with him, and isn't that how we should be living our lives? I put my head back on the pillow and give it another shot at falling asleep.

When I first open my eyes in the morning, I'm confronted with a sensation that I'm not sure how to handle. So until I can work out what's going on, I've decided to keep it a secret from everyone else. I wake up, get out of bed, and get ready for the day. Shorts made of denim, a white crop top, and sandals complete the look. I pull my hair back into a messy ponytail as I leave the building. I open the front door, step outside, and start making my way across town in a leisurely fashion. When I finally come to, I notice that I am standing next to a lake. It is still very early in the morning, and there is no one else around. Even if the sun is shining brightly, the sky in my world is pitch black. I take off my sandals and stroll barefoot in the pleasantly warm sand. When I stroll near the lake, I think about a lot of different things.

I think of Clay and how we have gotten to where we are. I look back at everything and realise that me not being the average girl deceives him. He makes him crazy because I'm not the kind to sacrifice who I am. If he just walked a mile in my shoes then he would understand. At the end of the day this is my game and my rules and I won't allow someone to just toy with heart for fun.

As time passes, the lake gradually becomes populated by younger children, adolescents, and families. I make the decision that it's time for me to go, and I make my way back to the apartment. As I make my way around the campus in a leisurely fashion, I hear the low roar of his car, and my heart skips a beat. My initial reaction is to sneak behind the tree and observe him as he enters the café with Logan and Brie. My second thought is to confront him. I take a deep breath and enjoy the warm summer air as I go past them as quickly as I can in the hopes that they won't notice me.

"Raven!" As I make my way back to the apartment, I hear Logan yell, but I continue walking without pausing for him or for anyone else.

As I continue walking, I come across some of the girls that were at Clay's party the other night. I put my sunglasses down and make an effort to avert their gazes while they all gossip about Clay and I.

"I told you she was just a bet. They didn't last very long." One girl states and I start to tear up at the thought that Clay could have possibly done that.

"She isn't even his type, what did he ever see in her?" The other girl says.

At that precise moment, I had the epiphany that I am not some typical human girl who puts up with being walked all over by others. I'm the one who's feared the most. As they approach the entrance of the cafe, I take off my sunglasses and approach them from behind, saying,

"If you have an issue with me, then you need to bring it up directly. Talking about me behind my back is problematic." Clay appears to be on cue as he comes dashing out the door just as my eyes begin to blaze and I can feel the fire burning within them. As Clay asks, "Really, Raven?" The girls take a few steps backwards. My attention is drawn to him, and I find that I am feeling much more irritated than I was before. I move away from him, turning on my heel.