Alexis

I feel like killing myself.

What the heck is wrong with me? It's just a freaking song. Come to your stupid senses! He's just some Christian freak of an artist and it's just a song that he wrote for his fans. I am seriously just such an idiot.

Self-indulgent,

Death by pride.

That sounds like my mother, with boyfriend after boyfriend, bottle after bottle, yet refusing to admit that she even has issues. She tells my I have no room to talk, because I'm even more messed up than her. I don't deny that, and that's where we're different. I know I'm a loser. She refuses to admit that she is too.

Forgetting all

That I've been given.

I mean, some people actually think of their children as gifts, but she certainly doesn't see it that way. She sees my as a burden and worse. She's told me enough times.

But still you've never left my side.

I would hope that anyone would leave her side by now. But I guess my ***** father came back to her. But then again, he's the druggy, jail-bird, so he doesn't have much room to talk.

And as for me, I've got no one on my side.

Brought back to life,

You healed the broken.

If someone brought me back to life after I was lucky enough to die, I would freaking murder them.

With arms wide open.

These people really do live in fantasy worlds. It must be nice to be stupid enough to actually believe all this junk.

And yet, there's still tears pushing at the back of my eyes. You know what? This sucks. And it isn't going to happen.

I turn abruptly, and push my way through the crowd and to the lobby outside. A dude at one of the merch tables gives me a strange look, but I ignore him, and I feel his eyes leave me as I head straight for the bathroom.

As soon as the door closes behind me, I feel tears begin to course down my cheeks.

What the **** is ****** wrong with me?

I rush to one of the stalls, even though I'm obviously the only one in here, and lock it behind me. And I'm on the floor again, sobbing into my hands.

I hate myself.

My hand slides to my pocket and pulls out my blade of it's own accord. I don't take time to think before I have it in my arm.

I drive it deep, even deeper than usual, before dragging.

I inhale sharply at the intense pain, but it's just the distraction I need. I stop crying.

The way the red-hot blood flows from the cut will never lose its absolutely fascinating trait.

It trickles off of my arm and drips onto the floor. Another drop hits my jeans, but I don't even care. They're black anyway, and it barely shows. And... it just feels right.

These scars certainly remind me who I am.

And that is a broken, cutting horror who the world would be better off without.

I can obviously hear the music from here, but the intense sound in there makes for a fuzzier result here, and I'd have to try to make out words, which I certainly don't want to do.

I take a deep breath and slowly get up. One cut did it this time. I just needed a get-away.

I let myself out of the stall and wash the cut off in icy water. It takes a good seven minutes, but, finally, the bleeding is mostly done with. Deep breath, and I leave the bathroom.

I'm too busy pushing through the crowd and back to my spot to notice the song that's just ending as I come in. Something about something that's the only thing that matters, but I don't care. At all.

He stops again as it comes to a finish, watching the screaming crowd with a slight smile.

Once we've quieted down a bit, his fingers return to playing that background music.

"So, obviously, the song that I'm about to play has been on my list for all of Winter Jam," he says after a moment. "I mean, I'm not cruel enough to spring a song on my guys here last minute."

The crowd laughs like that's the funniest thing in the world.

Colton chuckles lightly, but he returns to being serious fairly quickly. "And I pray that this song is one that typically makes a special kind of impact. But tonight, God has laid it on my heart..."

Your slightly-insane mind has laid it on itself...

"That this song is really meant to be played in Denver."

They scream, and he waits again.

"Maybe there's a countless number out there who are going to be touched by it," he continues finally. "Or maybe it's just one that really, really needs to hear it. It's equally special either way."

They make all of zero sense sometimes. Cause one person matters a much as hundreds. That doesn't even follow the basic lines of logic.

"But I'm really feeling the second verse right now, which talks about bleeding," he goes on, and I feel my heart stop, the fresh cut on my wrist screaming.

You have got to be kidding.

"So maybe there's someone out there tonight..."

Thank goodness he's looking the other direction.

"Who's been looking to that as a way out of the pain in your heart."

My relief lasted all of two seconds.

"If that's you tonight, I encourage you to reach out to someone. I heard a story of a girl who had been cutting for years, thinking that her razor was the one thing that was always there for her through all of her pain. Then one day, a friend caught her with a razor in her pocket, and she told a school counselor. It was through that process that this girl learned that cutting really wasn't the only thing that could have been there for her all that time. Her friends always had too."

Well, isn't she lucky? My only friend basically hates me, but I'm all she has, and she likes me better than being alone.

"And maybe you're thinking that you really don't have anyone that's there for you, but there is one Person that always will be. His Name is Jesus Christ."

And, we're having a screaming fest again. Why does that Dude's Name freaking do that to people?

"And if you're just not feeling Him, I guarantee that you can find someone who will love on you until you do. Find someone in your church, or connect with a church if you don't have one. Seek out someone, and let it all out."

I hear tears behind his voice. "It'll be so much better than hurting yourself."

Yeah. Until that person turns on you and destroys your little picture-perfect world. Or dies of cancer. Either way.

"But if you're that person tonight..." He straightens slightly, obviously getting ready to sing. "Then this song is for you. Because you can rise above anything and everything that is holding you down. There is hope."

Why am I scared already?