Alexis

After these guys... Newsboys, I guess, intermission hits. Thank goodness. I need a break. I sit down again and grab my phone, going straight back to YouTube and typing in Britt Nicole's name once more. Annie sits besides me, looking over my shoulder.

"Whatcha doing?"

"Is she a Christian singer?"

Annie smiles. "Oh... yes she is. She does some crossover so she's a little known in the secular world. She glances at all the titles I'm scrolling through and points to "Through Your Eyes".

"That one's one of her songs that's more obviously Christian. And that one."

"The Lost Get Found". I could have guessed that one.

Annie points out several more... "All This Time", "Work Of Art", and "When She Cries"... before I give in. So, she's Christian. Great.

And a thought hits me.

"What about Skillet?"

They're not ****** religious.

"Look them up," Annie directs, and I obediently type in their name. There's no way she's convincing me on this one.

"Monster", obviously, is the first one that comes up, but she directs me to scroll down, and points to "The Last Night".

"That one's written from Jesus' point of view."

My mind flicks through the lyrics. Wait... ugh. That actually makes sense. But that's one song.

"Have you heard that one?"

"Stars".

"Um... I've heard of it," I reply carefully. "I think they sang it at the concert I went to this summer."

"Well, that one's actually a worship song."

Oh, that's fantastic.

She hesitates before adding, "And if you've been to another concert of theirs, do you remember the intro John did for "Hero"?"

I think for a minute before answering. "Um... something about whoever was your hero... but he wrote it for... someone... I didn't really hear it, because as soon as the first syllable was out of his mouth, half the crowd started screaming at the top of their lungs."

"Well, he said Jesus Christ. He always does."

"Oh."

And, she's got me. How could I not have known this? I've been listening to them since I was eleven.

"But," Annie adds after a long moment, "They're definitely a cross-over band. A lot of people listen to them without even knowing they're Christian. After all, they are the number one rock band in America."

I sigh. "Yeah, I guess."

I don't have the motivation to ask about any of the others. When I think about it, it's not that hard to see with NF, and I don't know anyone else.

This is just **** dandy.

Apparently, KB wasn't using Jesus' Name in vain.

This really sucks.

But whatever. What Annie said earlier is true. Even if the entire freaking crowd is worshiping Someone who doesn't exist, it doesn't mean I can't enjoy the music for what it is.

Someone gets up on stage and gives a speech... something about sponsoring African children... but I barely hear a word he says. I tuned out the minute he said something about "God's precious children". These people are seriously messed up.

Finally, intermission is over, the room goes dark, and I get up again. Here we go.

The minute I hear the beginning of "Whispers In the Dark", I can't help but grin. So I still love Skillet.

Who couldn't? They just freaking rock. In a very literal sense.

They switch over to Tenth Avenue North. They're not as great. It's pretty hard to ignore the fact that they're a Christian band.

I breathe a small sigh of relief as they go into what I'm guessing will be their last song.

Why are you striving

These days?

Um, who isn't? Get real.

Why are you trying

To earn grace?

Ha. Because whoever you're talking to is stupid. Because grace doesn't actually exist. I hate to burst their little religious bubble, but it's the truth.

Why are you crying?

Because they're stupid enough to let you see.

Let Me lift up your face.

And why would they?

Just don't turn away.

Why are you looking

For love?

Who isn't looking for love? Even if it doesn't truly exist, even I still would love to find some more temporary stuff. Like NF says in another one of his songs I listened to, "This Thing Called Love".

Why are you still searching

As if I'm not enough?

Because you're a fanciful delusion in the sky.

To where will you go, Child?

Tell me, where will you run?

Anywhere but to You, that's for sure.

To where will you run?

And the spot light flashes onto a dude with a blonde mohawk, standing behind a keyboard, while the lead singer... Mike, I think... points his way.

"Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Colton Dixon."

Annie starts jumping up and down and squealing her head off. I mean, the whole crowd is excited, but she's, like, ecstatic. Whatever. Someone has a crush.

And Colton starts singing with the band as they go into what I think is the chorus.

Cause I'll be by your side,

Wherever you fall, in

The dead of night,

Whenever you're calling.

Ha. They're just delusional. But this Colton Dixon dude has an amazing voice, I'll give him that much. And he's hot, too.

Please don't fight

These hands that are holding you.

My hands are holding you.

Oh, here, let me hold you until you have your complete trust in me, at which time I will drop you.

Yeah. Sounds amazing.

And, Colton takes completely over for the second verse. Annie's squealing again. For goodness sake, woman! Make it a bit more obvious, why don't you? 

Look at these hands

At my side.

They swallowed the grave

On that night.

Sure they did.

When I drank the world's sin,

So I could carry you in,

Because some perfect heavenly God would totally do that for a worthless loser like me.

And give you life.

I wanna give you life.

Mike takes over again for the repeat of the chorus, and I inwardly sigh. Do they really expect people to believe this junk? And, the instruments lead into what I guess is the bridge, while Colton Dixon obviously gets ready to sing once more.

Cause I,

I love you.

I want you

To know.

For some reason, I'm frozen. This is stupid. Just a word. It's just a word. No matter how passionately it's delivered, no matter how desperate the look in the dude's eyes is, it's just a word.

Yeah I,

Oh, I love you.

I'll never let you go.

No, no.

Just words. They're just words. I ball my hands into fists to keep from shaking. What the heck is ***** wrong with me?

Chorus again. I do my best not to listen. Just keep it out.

Sometimes, I really hate myself.

Finally, the song ends, and the crowd bids Tenth Avenue North goodbye with a nice scream. Okay, everybody keeps saying I'll love Colton Dixon. Please tell me I legit will.

There's a pause of darkness, before piano notes begin in a strangely soothing way.

When I can't find the words

To say how much it hurts,

That's my life right there. And his voice really is amazing.

You are the healing in my heart.

Ha. Must be nice.

When all that I can see

Are broken memories,

All of my memories are broken. I'm not kidding. Every single one.

You are the light that's in the dark.

There is no light in my dark.

You are the song,

You are the song I'm singing.

The song I'm singing is right along the lines of Would It Matter, so if this fake Man in the sky is that song, I'd like to punch Him in the face.

You are the air,

You are the air I'm breathing.

Then could you do me a favor and go away so I can stop breathing?

You are the hope,

You are the hope I'm needing.

Well, everybody could use a little hope, no couldn't they? If this God is actually that hope, why doesn't He go ahead and give himself to us instead of taunt us with He's what we need?

Whoa.

You are.

And when my circumstance

Leaves me with empty hands,

You're the Provider of my needs.

My "Provider" sure as heck isn't doing a very good job.

When all my dirtiness

Has left me helpless,

You are the rain that washes me.

Everyone's dirty, so why is it that only certain people get washed, huh?

And, the chorus again, twice. I try not to let it sink in.

It's just... I know there's no way... but, if there was... if, mind you... what is this was legit? And there was this song, this air, this hope that I was missing out on?

I shake the thought away with a surge of anger at myself. Get a freaking brain.

If I had no voice,

If I had no tongue,

I would dance for You

Like the rising sun.

And when that day comes,

And I see Your face,

I will shout Your endless, glorious praise

These people are awfully devoted to this lie, I will give them that. But let's hope that's all that is, because if so, I do not want to be me on that day when this dude sees God's face. Cause I'll be going straight to hell. Ha. Lucky for me, it's all crazy myths, and I know that. Anyway, how much worse can it get than my life right now?

But I do my best to just listen to this guy's amazing voice, not the words he's singing, for the rest of the song. Cause too much of these words in this setting, and I might start going wacko like everyone around me.

This one flows into one that I'm guessing is titled something along the lines of "More of You". Again, I'm impressed by this dude's devotion to this legend, but other than that, it's nothing impressive.

And he stops other than with his expert hand at playing his own background music to talk.

"So, this next song," he begins, "has a story behind it that isn't mine, but instead yours. How it came about was I asked all of you guys for your stories. And what I read... it really broke my heart. You guys have been through a lot. And the one word that I kept seeing repeated was scars. So I wrote this song about how those scars hurt, but how they can remind us of places we've been, lessons we've learned, and, ultimately, the scars that saved us all."

Well, I already know I'm gonna relate to this one way more than I want to. I allow my hand to slip down to check my sleeve.

Defeated,

Wasted,

Broken,

Bruised.

All of those things. Cause I gave up pretending like this ***** world hasn't defeated me a long time ago, I certainly feel wasted by my entire life, I'm broken just to look at, and I have been bruised so many times by my mother and her boyfriends that I'm pretty sure some of them are permanent.

But whatever, right? It's not like anyone actually cares.

All because

Of my addictions.

I mean, if I wasn't so messed up, I wouldn't get treated so badly. So, yeah.

It left me crying and confused.

That's my permanent home right there.

It cuts right through

My religion,

My good intentions.

While I never have had or will have any religion, I guess I can relate to that too. My good, childishly-innocent intentions to have a perfect life, to specify.

Disregarded,

Overlooked.

Okay, it's beginning to scare me how much I'm relating to this.

Sinking lower and lower.

That's certainly the downward spiral I'm on.

I figure I'll eventually reach a low point where I either kill myself or get into something worse. And I've stopped letting the idea bother me.

The shame erased

My name and took

My face and made it

Like the others.

Would I recover?

Recover? Ha. That's just funny. Because there's no ***** way. Not after all of this. I couldn't.

Today's another day

To learn from my mistakes,

I've made way too many mistakes to start learning from them now.

Knowing that we're not forsaken.

Lucky you. I certainly am.

They give life to where we've been,

I'm glad your mistakes give you life, Buddy. You wanna teach me your trick?

When we fall and start again,

I don't get the option of starting again. I fall and have to pick myself up again and again until I finally give up and start dragging myself along the ground. What's the use of trying to get up again anyway?

Scars remind us who we are.

He got that part right. Not that it's a good thing, but my scars certainly do remind me who I am.

So why is this song making me feel like I'm about to break down and cry?