There's blood everywhere and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm on the tarmac again and my body is shaking as I stare at my bloodstained hands. I scramble to try and stand up but I can't, my body won't let me move.

A gunshot rings through my ears and I look up to see Rafe's body lying on the ground, blood seeping from a wound in his chest where his heart should be. As I glance down at my hands I realise the gun is in my hands, but no matter how hard I try I can't let go of it.

"You did this, it's all your fault." An indistinguishable voice tells me.

Rafe's lifeless body just lies there, his fate out of my control. The entire Cameron family watch me in disgust, yet none of them run in to save Rafe. It's only me who seems to care as I struggle to free myself from the shackles that restrict me.

"Stop!" I scream, "I just want it to stop!"

"Sid!" I hear JJ's voice, "Sid, wake up!"

My body jolts as my eyes open, my whole body shivering as I stare up at JJ who's leaning over me, his hands on my shoulders. I quickly realise where I am, my eyes stinging from the sun as I stare at JJ's face, the morning sun filling the room.

"You're okay, Sid," JJ assures me as I sit up in the bed, "It was just a bad dream."

"I'm so sorry," I whisper, "Did I wake you up?"

"No," He replies, but I can tell that he's lying, "But you were screaming in your dream, and I could tell that it was bad."

"It keeps happening, but this is the first time it's happened since the coke, and every time it's what I saw on the tarmac, but it's a different person I care about." I explain, picking at my chipped nail polish.

"And who was it in that one?" JJ whispers.

"Rafe."

"Everything is okay, Sid," JJ soothes, wrapping his arms around me and brushing my hair out of my face, "You're going to be fine."

The four of us stayed at the chateau last night, Pope and Kiara on the couches and JJ and I in the spare room. I couldn't bear the thought of sleeping alone, and JJ understands better than anyone else how to handle my anxiety. I appreciated the company while I was asleep, and without JJ by my side I imagine the nightmares would've been a lot worse.

He insisted on building a pillow wall, not wanting to accidentally overstep while we were asleep. It's not something we've ever done before, but I suppose it's different now that I'm in recovery from addiction and my relationship with Rafe.

"This is never going to end," I mumble into his bare chest, "I just want it to stop."

"It will," He sighs, resting his head on top of mine, "You just need to give yourself time."

"I know, but I hate it." I reply, pulling away from his embrace.

"Right, you need your mind taken off of this, so get yourself freshened up, and I'll make you the best breakfast possible." JJ announces as he climbs out of the bed.

"I barely have anything here, just clothes." I tell him.

"Well then, get some clean clothes on," He instructs me, "We're not going to get you better sitting here all day."

I salute him dramatically with a grin, "Yes sir."

Once JJ's left the room I climb out of the bed, shuffling over to the drawer where I used to leave my spare clothes. I pull out a pair of blue denim shorts, a black bikini and one of JJ's old plaid shirts. I change out of the t-shirt and shorts I wore in bed last night and put on my fresh clothes. I grab a can of deodorant from the dresser and spray it liberally before tying my hair up in a bun on top of my head before heading out into the living room.

Looking at my reflection in the mirror, I struggle to recognise myself. My cheeks are hollow and my skin is paler, and the biggest change of all, well that was a choice I made last night. It sounds completely surface level, but deep down I think I needed to do it in order to feel like the old me again. I dyed my hair back to its original shade of brunette, with Kiara's help, and it feels like the first step in the right direction away from the world of kooks.

I open the door to the sound of Pope's voice, "Well then we're going to have to look after her, we can't let her go through this alone."

I decide to just walk into the kitchen, smiling at both of the boys, "Morning."

"You alright?" Pope asks as I sit on the counter beside him while JJ rummages through the cupboards in search of food, which I don't imagine there's much of.

"Yeah," I nod, wiping the sleep from my eyes, "I didn't have the best sleep."

"Perhaps we'll just chill out here today then,"
Pope suggests, "Maybe a swim or a surf would be good."

"A swim would be great," I nod in agreement before turning my focus to JJ, "What's cooking, chef?"

"Pancakes," JJ announces proudly, revealing a pancake mix packet which looks like it's from the nineties.

"That works for me," I smile, "Where's Kie?"

"Bathroom, she's having a shower." Pope tells me.

"Are you sure you know what you're doing there, J?" I hop off of the counter and stand beside him as he pours the pancake mix into the freshly oiled frying pan.

JJ wraps his arm around my shoulder, playfully exclaiming, "You worry about your business and I'll worry about mine."

"Deal." I smile as he wraps both of his arms around my body and pulls me into a proper hug.

"I'm glad you two are back on track," Pope adds, smiling at us both, "I've missed you two together."

"You know what I've missed," I grin, picking JJ's phone up from the counter and searching for a particular song, turning the volume up as the introduction begins to play, "Remember this?"

"Of course I do," JJ replies fondly as he flips a pancake, before holding the wooden spoon up to his mouth like a microphone, singing the first few lines, "So at my show on Monday, I was hoping someday you'd be on your way to better things."

I dance around the kitchen as the rest of the first verse begins to play, clapping along to the music as JJ plates up the first pancake, before pouring another load of batter onto the pan.

Just before the song reaches its chorus JJ and I turn to each other with the biggest grins, singing the line, "But you don't pull my strings cause I'm a better man moving on to better things."

JJ abandons the pancake mix and grabs my hands, the two of us spinning around the kitchen. We always used to this growing up, playing my Dad's CDs in the house and winding my parents up as we'd dance along to each song. No matter how chilled or upbeat the song was, we'd find a way to move with the music

JJ spins me around under his arm, belting, "But oh oh I love her because she moves in her own way."

"Is something burning?" I hear Kiara's familiar voice before I glance back at the pan to see a seared portion of pancake batter in the pan.

"I should probably make you a fresh one." JJ sighs, scraping the incinerated pancake into the bin and oiling the pan up again.

Somehow JJ managed to cook enough pancakes for all four of us without burning the house down, and in a surprising turn of events they didn't taste too bad. We've moved out into the work hut outside the chateau, Kiara and I are sitting on two discarded plastic chairs while JJ waxes his surfboard and Pope works on trying to fix a bedside lamp or something.

"JJ, that looks like a lot of wax on that board," Pope mutters as I continue reading the copy of The Hunger Games that I acquired from the hospital library, "Too much wax is going to be slippery as hell."

"Are you telling me how to wax my board, Pope?" JJ looks up at him.

"I'm just saying that's a lot of wax," Pope tries to reason with him as I put my book down, "Its a waste of good wax."

"Guys, really?" Kiara sighs.

The sound of a familiar car horn catches my attention, "Did you guys hear that?" I mutter, standing up from the chair.

"Hold on," JJ looks over his shoulder, the four of us beaming with excitement as the twinkie pulls up beside the house.

"Guess who's out the clink baby!" John B exclaims, jumping out of the car and running towards us.

"No way!" Kiara exclaims as we run towards him, all of us never having expected to see him outside of a prison visiting room again.

"Bro!" Pope smiles as the five of us embrace in a tight group hug, that is the safest I've felt in a long time.

"We missed you," I tell him as we all hold onto each other tightly.

"I missed you guys too," John B sighs.

"How did you do it?" JJ asks as we all break away from the hug, "You bust out?"

John B glances at me solemnly before looking back at JJ, "They dropped the charges."

I feel sick with nerves at his words, they don't drop charges unless there's been a mistake, like they've got the wrong person, and even though I've slowly been coming to terms with what Rafe did, there's been a tiny part of me clinging to the possibility that he's innocent, "So that means they've got evidence." I whisper.

"But it's going to be okay, Sid," John B assures me, "JJ told me what happened with the overdose and everything, are you alright?"

"I will be," I sigh, focusing my gaze on the open water, "And I ended it with Rafe."

"We're all with you on this, Sid." Pope smiles reassuringly.

"Wait, where's Sarah?" John B interrupts.

"She went to meet Wheezie last night," Kiara tells him, "And she didn't come back."

"She was going to ask Wheezie to prove Rafe wasn't at Tannyhill when the Sheriff got shot." Pope explains, glancing at me.

"She'll be back," I assure John B, "She'll want to know how things went at the hospital."

We end up making our way down to the jetty where HMS Pogue is nicely tied up as John B continues to worry about Sarah's whereabouts. Part of me does worry that maybe Ward has got to her, maybe he's managed to bring her back into the family, or maybe he's chosen her instead of Rafe.

"Something's not adding up, Sarah dips and just doesn't call?" John B continues to panic.

"Yeah, she just left her bag, she didn't tell anyone." Pope tells him the same thing he's already told him.

"What if Ward got to her?" John B asks, and I decide that for his mental sanity it's best that I don't share my similar suspicions, "I mean he tried to have me killed in jail."

"What?" I turn to face him from where I'm sitting in the boat with JJ and Pope.

"He sent someone to the prison who almost killed me," John B tells us as my heart begins to race.

Would Rafe have known about this?

"Seriously?" Kiara replies.

"Yes," John B repeats, "I swear to God one day I'll kill that son of a bitch."

"It's okay." I smile, looking over John B's shoulder as he sits down in the boat.

"No Sid, it's not okay, we have to find Sarah." John B mutters.

"No literally it's okay," I smile, "She's right there."

Kiara and the boys all look in the direction I'm pointing in as Topper's boat approaches us, Sarah in tow. I watch as she stands up, a look of realisation on her face as she realises that John B has been released from prison.

"What the hell is she doing with Topper?" Kiara mutters as Sarah shouts John B's name.

JJ and I share a knowing glance as Topper's boat pulls up beside ours, Sarah stepping straight onto our boat, wrapping her arms around John B. Even though we're all back together as a group again, it doesn't feel like all the pieces fit together the way they used to. There's an air of awkwardness between us as Topper watches on.

"I'm so glad you're okay," John B whispers.

I didn't know if I'd see you again," Sarah mutters, clinging on to his neck, "What happened?"

"They dropped all the charges," John B grins as Sarah lets go of him, "I'm a free man."

"That's amazing!" Sarah exclaims.

"Yeah I know," John B glances at JJ and then me, "But they're coming after Rafe."

"Good, he's completely unhinged," Sarah replies, causing my stomach to drop, "He jumped me last night."

I feel my hands begin to tremble at her words as I stare out at the open water, feeling JJ placing his hand on top of mine as I attempt to go through the breathing exercises that I used to do when the anxiety got really bad.

"Yeah, Rafe has lost his mind, literally almost drowned his sister," Topper tells us as I feel my heart beginning to race, "Thankfully I got there just in time, he was holding her under water and he was trying-"

"Topper, that's not helpful." JJ cuts him off before returning his gaze to me.

"I can't do this," I mutter, standing up and walking back up the jetty towards the house, my body trembling and my heart racing so rapidly that I fear my body could just shut down.

I need something, I need something to make this stop. I'm living a nightmare. I had hoped that maybe the thought of paying for his crimes would put some sense into Rafe, but I'm obviously too naive. He tried to kill his own sister, who he's grown up with, his little sister who he's meant to protect, not harm.

I burst through the door to the chateau, grabbing my bag and tipping the contents onto the floor in search of a small bag of coke I might have forgotten about, something to take the edge off until this all blows over. But there's nothing so I head for the kitchen, realising that alcohol will have to do, opening all the cupboards frantically, seeing nothing but out of date food.

"Sid." I look over my shoulder to see JJ approaching me.

"I don't think I can do this sober," I panic, gripping onto the kitchen counter.

"Yes you can." JJ assures me.

I look up at him, resenting the hope he has in me, knowing that he shouldn't be wasting all his energy on me, "All I can think about is how good a line would feel right now."

"I get that, but you've already come so far," JJ replies, "You can't let them win."

"I just want it to stop," I whisper, letting go of the counter.

JJ rests his hands on my neck, steadying me, "And it will, because you are the strongest person I know Sidney, you can fight this."

"I don't feel very strong," I mutter, holding onto his wrists.

"But you are, you're so many things you don't even know." JJ replies.

"What'll happen when they find Rafe?" I ask, "Because there's no way he'll just let them take him."

"I don't know, Sid," JJ sighs, letting go of me, "But you need to try not to think about him, you let him go so you could heal, so that's what you need to do."

"I think I need to tell Maggie what happened," I mutter in a moment of vulnerability, needing my big sister more than anything right now.

"Do you think that's a good idea?" JJ replies.

"No, but I've got nothing better." I sigh.

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JJ and I have been sitting on the porch since I called Maggie about forty five minutes ago, explaining that I have something to tell her. I tried to make it sound ominous, so she probably thinks I'm about to announce that I'm pregnant with Rafe's baby, which is obviously not true.

"There she is." I mutter to JJ as I see Maggie approaching the porch.

"Do you want me to give you some space?" He asks as he sits up straight on the couch.

"No," I shake my head, looking out at Sarah and John B sitting on the hammock, "I'm gonna need you to back me up."

"Hey Sid," Maggie smiles as she pushes the door open, "Everything okay?"

"Mmhmm," I nod, glancing at JJ as Maggie sits down in front of us.

"I'm just going to make a guess," Maggie sighs, "You've found out you're pregnant and you don't know how to tell Mum and Dad."

JJ scoffs under his breath, looking at me as he tries not to laugh, "No, I'm not pregnant." I insist.

"So what do you need to talk about?" She asks, like she'd rather be elsewhere.

"I overdosed two nights ago." I tell her bluntly.

"Wow, straight to the point," JJ mutters under his breath, "I like it."

"Overdosed? On what?" Maggie replies with panic in her voice.

"Cocaine," I sigh, gripping the edge of the couch, "I've been using it since Peterkin's death, and then when I found out what Rafe did, it all just kind of imploded.

"Why would you do something so stupid?" Maggie responds and clearly I was being overly optimistic to think she'd be a bit more emphatic.

"You say that like it was a choice," JJ interjects, "Like Sid would just decide to do coke."

"J," I sigh, resting my hand on his knee before turning back to Maggie, "I did the coke to try and stop the thoughts that came with the PTSD, it was in no way a choice."

"You could've told us, Sid." She sighs, attempting to be the emotionally receptive and understanding sister.

"I didn't want anyone to think any less of me," I say, "I know what our parents think about drugs and I just needed the pain to stop."

"And Rafe?" Maggie sighs, "Does he know?"

"He's not Sid's problem anymore." JJ adds.

"I know the truth about him, and supposedly that's meant to set me free." I tell her.

"You broke up with him?" Her words make it feel more real, saying that I let him go makes it sound less painful, like it was for his sake as well as mine.

"Yeah," I nod as JJ's phone begins to ring.

"I'll just," He stands up and heads outside as I return my attention to Maggie.

"Are you planning on telling Mum and Dad?" Maggie asks, folding her arms across her chest.

"No," I shake my head, "They'll try to put me in rehab."

"You say that like it's a bad thing." Maggie sighs.

"Because it is!" I exclaim, realising that Maggie doesn't seem to understand what it is that I need, "It's bad enough being trapped inside my own head here, but in a facility full of strangers? No way."

"They will just want to help you." She attempts to reason with me.

"You can't tell them," I reiterate my point, "I need to be with my friends."

"Sid, they deserve to know." Maggie tells me firmly.

"If you believe that, then you can leave." I tell her sternly.

"Sidney," She sighs, putting even more distance between us.

We both changed while she was gone. Obviously it hurts that she didn't have a choice in leaving, but I think she expected me to be the same sister she left behind. But I had to do a lot of growing up when she disappeared, and yes I've made bad choices, but I need to deal with them my way.

JJ bursts through the door, startling me and grabbing my attention, "Sid, we've got to dip."

"What's wrong?" I ask, noticing panic in his eyes.

"Pope's Dad just got jumped," He tells me, "He's pretty shaken up."

"Well then we've got to go see him," I stand up from the couch, "Have you told Pope?"

"Yeah, they're all in the twinkie," JJ replies.

"You okay to see yourself out?" I ask Maggie.

"Yeah." She smiles half heartedly.

"I'll see you soon." I tell her before rushing out of the house and following JJ to the twinkie.

ੈ✩‧₊˚

authors note: this chapter is so p4l coded - love my besties all being back together <3
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