I barely slept last night. I spent the entire night tossing and turning, worrying about what might happen today. Rafe slept like a baby beside me the entire night, his arm wrapped around my waist, as it is every night.

Today is the first day back at school, and I'm terrified, and I feel so alone. I would rather stay in the Outer Banks, not finish getting an education and run the surf shop for the rest of my life. But I can't be that person, because my parents want me to be successful and their idea of success is a future that consists of a well paying job up on the mainland.

I look at myself in the school bathroom mirror and I don't recognise the person who is looking back at me. The girl who started her summer, hoping to spend every moment smiling with her friends is gone. The girl who has to do lines of cocaine in the bathroom just to get through the day, has taken her place.

I've been hiding in the school bathroom since I got to school about fifteen minutes ago. I walked, even though Rafe had offered to drive me, I told him that I'd appreciate the fresh air. At this point he probably thinks I'm fine and I'm finding comfort in nature or something stupid like that.

I can't quite face going to my first class, as much as I love history, I just don't want to face Pope, Kiara and JJ. Yesterday's incident at the country club set me back considerably, even though the progress I've made so far has been drug induced, I thought I was doing okay.

Last night I kept wondering if JJ would've told Pope and Kiara what happened, and I hope he didn't say anything. When I came out of the bathroom at the country club, I quickly found out that JJ had been fired, and I couldn't help but feel like I was to blame.

"Excuse me," I look up from where I've been staring at my reflection in the mirror to see one of the teachers who I've never had before, "You should be in class."

"Yeah," I nod, picking up my bag, "Just had really bad period cramps."

"Do you have a hall pass?" She asks as I leave the bathroom.

"No, I came straight to the bathroom when I got to school." I explain.

"Alright," She sighs, buying into the lie, "Just get to class."

"Okay," I nod in agreement, heading down the corridor towards my classroom for history.

I get to the classroom door, which has been propped open, Mr Sunn is deep in some sort of explanation. He looks up at me with a disappointed sigh, "Miss Monroe, nice of you to join us."

I smile awkwardly, weaving through the classroom to the only spare desk, which is behind Pope. I do my best not to make eye contact with anyone, placing my bag on the floor and taking a seat as I pull out my books, turning to the page displayed on the blackboard.

"So as I was explaining, the diocletian splits the vast Roman Empire into four separate kingdoms," Mr Sunn explains as I begin copying notes into my notebook.

Several phones buzz simultaneously, and I glance up to see where the sound is coming from, noticing Pope, JJ and Kiara checking their phones.

"Who's phone was that?" Mr Sunn asks the class, everyone staring back at him blankly, "Nobody?"
"You will be tested on this, so let's recap." He continues.

I zone out from whatever Mr Sunn is talking about as JJ moves to crouch in between Pope and Kiara. My heart pounds as I see what the message was, and there's no way, surely there's no way.

John B and Sarah are alive.

The hope that has been burning inside me since they went missing was right, they survived the storm, they're okay, maybe they're safe too.

JJ jumps up from the floor, sprinting out of the classroom, Kiara grabs her bag and follows after him as Pope puts his hand up and asks, "Can I be excused to help him?" Grabbing his bag and heading out of the classroom before Mr Sunn can even utter an answer.

A part of me longs to be with three of them, to find out what happened to John B and Sarah, to celebrate their safety, to just have some sort of hope to cling onto.

"Excuse me Mr Sunn," I put my hand up, "Can I be excused to go to the bathroom? Lady problems."

"Sure." Mr Sunn sighs as I grab my bag and head out of the classroom.

I make my way outside, hearing the familiar sound of Kiara's voice. I glance around the corner to see the three of them sitting on the picnic benches. I'll be able to hear well enough from here to find out what's happened to Sarah and John B.

The Pogues have no clue what's going on as they frantically wait for another text from John B. The three of them are unsure if it's even him, so Kiara frantically types a message asking if it's really John B.

"He's typing," Kiara mutters, staring at her phone screen.

John B: Is JJ there?

Kiara and Pope glance at JJ expectantly, their hearts racing as he types: I'm here Bree. The three friends wait with anticipation, the phone dinging quickly.

John B: Did you pimp my short board?

JJ grins from ear to ear, laughing with tears in his eyes, "It's him."

"It's him." Kiara nods.

"It's definitely him." Pope adds, hugging JJ tightly before JJ hugs Kiara.

"Laying super low in Nassau," Kiara reads another message from her phone, "How the hell did they get to the Bahamas?"

"You can't kill a pogue," JJ beams.

"Especially John B." Pope agrees.

"He's sent another message," Kiara adds, "Can you clear my name, Wanna come home."

"Hell yeah we'll clear his name," JJ smiles as another message appears on the screen.

John B: Don't be too hard on Sid, Rafe must have got inside her head

"How can he be so reasonable?" Kiara sighs, "She could've stopped all of this."

"Maybe John B's right, maybe we have to be gentle." Pope adds.

"No way, I'm with Kie," JJ says sternly, remembering the incident at the country club, "She's made her bed, she can fucking lie in it."

My heart drops hearing those words, knowing that they resent me, and they don't want anything to do with me. I wish I could change everything, I wish I could go back to that time just before Barry rumbled everything. I probably would've been able to keep everything separate, I at least would've tried. Eventually I would've told them about Rafe and I, and they would've hated the idea, but maybe they wouldn't have hated me.

Quickly, I bite the bullet, walking around the corner to see the three of them hugging, breaking my heart even further, thinking that once upon a time I would've been part of that. I stand awkwardly, until JJ notices me over Pope's shoulder, pulling away from Pope and Kiara.

"You've got some fucking nerve," JJ hisses, walking towards me, "We don't want anything to do with you, so get lost."

His words cut deep, straight to my heart as my hands begin trembling again. I try to assure myself that it's just the anger and the pain speaking, not JJ, but the look in his eyes is too full of resentment for him not to be feeling what he says.

"JJ, take it easy," Pope attempts to reason with him, grabbing his wrist.

"How much of that did you hear?" Kiara asks me, folding her arms across her chest.

"All of it," I whisper, trying to stifle the lump in my throat, "But I'm not going to tell Rafe, if that's what you're worried about."

"You betrayed us once, you really expect us to just believe you?" Kiara scoffs, looking me up and down.

"I know how Rafe feels about John B and Sarah," I sigh, wiping the bottom of my nose with my hand, desperate for a fix, "And my mind is too full of shit and anxiety to deal with him knowing that they're alive."

"Always putting yourself first, huh." JJ rolls his eyes at me as Pope glances at him.

"That's not what I meant, I also want John B and Sarah to be safe." I exhale, trying to reason with him.

"At what cost?" JJ replies firmly.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"John B or Rafe," JJ says, "If you had to pick one, who would you save?"

"Rafe didn't do anything!" I exclaim.

"Do you really believe that?" Kiara asks.

"I trust him." I reply as JJ and Kiara both roll their eyes.

"Guys, can we please remember what John B said." Pope tells them both.

"Well John B isn't here is he? So we're doing things my way." JJ tells him bluntly.

"I won't say anything to Rafe, you have my word." I reiterate, clenching my fists to stop them from trembling.

"Your word?" JJ laughs, "Your word doesn't really mean anything anymore, does it?"

I'm fighting a losing battle, so I quickly decide to withdraw, silently walking away as tears stream from my eyes. I pull out my phone and type a quick message to Rafe:

ME: I can't be here, can you pick me up?

I knew it was a bad idea to come back to school, I knew I should've just stayed at home and buried my head in the sand. I rush around to the front of school, slumping onto a bench as I receive a message from Rafe.

Rafe: On my way.

Simple but effective I suppose.

After about twenty minutes of sitting on the bench, attempting to calm myself and my trembling hands, Rafe's car pulls up in front of me. I stand up slowly and walk over to the car, opening the passenger door and slipping into the seat.

The minute I close the door he puts his foot down and we begin heading back towards Figure Eight. I notice that he's got my playlist on again and the current song is Apocalypse by Cigarettes After Sex.

"What happened?" Rafe asks as we continue to drive down the road.

"It just got too much," I sigh, staring out the window, "I didn't think sitting in the same classroom as them would be so difficult."

"Did they say something?" Rafe asks, gripping the steering wheel, "I'll turn this fucking car around right now if they've upset you."

"No," I lie, "It's just my brain, I thought I was doing better, but actually I need more time before I go back."

"I thought the medication was working." Rafe glances at me.

"So did I," I tell him, "But I'm never going to be able to control the way they all look at me."

"Maybe you just shouldn't go back," He replies, "All we need is each other."

"My parents will lose their shit if I drop out of school," I sigh, as we reach Figure Eight.

"So don't tell them that you're not going back," He replies like it's nothing, "You basically live with me, they don't need to know."

"You're probably right," I mutter as he rests his hand on my thigh.

"What do you want to do when we get home?" He asks, running his hand up and down my leg, "I can think of a few ways to take your mind off things."

"I don't know," I mumble as he removes his hand from my leg, "I'm not sure if I'm in the mood."

"Well then, what do you want to do?" He replies, glancing at me before focusing on the road ahead.

"Maybe we could just talk," I suggest, hoping that maybe it would be a good way to get him to open up.

"You want to talk?" He exhales as we pass the Sheriff's car leaving Tannyhill, "Don't you think that's a bit boring?"

"I just feel like we don't talk as much as we used to," I sigh as we turn into Tannyhill, "I just want to make sure you're alright."

"I'm fine, you're the one who's been struggling," He replies as we slowly drive up the driveway, Ward Cameron standing outside the house, "If you want to talk about how you feel that's fine."

"I should probably just rest," I mutter as we pull up in front of the house, "Maybe we can just do something later."

"Sure," He smiles halfheartedly, kissing the side of my head before we both climb out of the car.

"You kids okay?" Ward smiles as we approach the house, "I thought you had school, Sidney."

"Yeah I did, but I started feeling unwell, so Rafe offered to pick me up." I explain as Rafe grabs my school bag out of the car.

"You look after yourself, sweetheart." Ward replies.

"Dad, what did Shoupe want?" Rafe asks.

"He was here about the graffiti on the wall." Ward explains.

"And is he going to charge those pogues for what they did?" Rafe replies as I stand between them awkwardly.

"I don't know Rafe!" Ward exclaims, quickly losing his temper and startling me, "What do you want from me?"

Ward begins walking back down the garden, leaving Rafe and I, "You know what I think we should do?" Rafe calls out, stopping Ward in his tracks.

"What do you think we should do? Enlighten me, please." Ward scoffs, glancing between us both.

"I think we should," Rafe approaches Ward, leaving me behind him.

"Tell me Rafe, what's your great idea?" Ward asks.

"I think we should kill them all." Rafe mutters, sending a shiver down my spine as he walks back towards the house, heading inside and closing the door.

"What was that about?" Ward glances at me with fear in his eyes.

"He can't stand the pogues," I sigh, "He got so angry when I told him they made me feel uncomfortable at school today, you don't think he'd actually do something to them, do you?"

"Of course not," Ward laughs my concerns off, "You've got nothing to worry about, he's probably just tired."

"He's different," I reply, "I'm worried about him."

"You don't need to be," Ward assures me, "My son adores you, he's just never been very good at showing things like that."

"You're not wrong," I exhale.

"Why don't you go inside and find him?" Ward suggests, "Your company always seems to level him out."

"Okay," I nod, turning back to the house.

As I step inside the house, Rafe's words continue to run around my mind. Surely he wouldn't actually consider killing my old friends, surely his judgment is just clouded by his feelings for me.

I make my way upstairs and head down the hallway towards Rafe's bedroom, his door ajar. I push it open gently to see Rafe sitting at the end of his bed, swigging whiskey straight from the bottle.

He looks up at me with a slight grin, bringing the bottle to his lips and taking a large gulp of the liquid, "Have you come to put me in a straight jacket, baby?"

"Of course not," I sigh, closing the bedroom door and walking over to him, "But it's definitely too early in the day to be drinking alone."

"I'm fine," He mumbles as I notice the traces of white powder around his nose, realising that I won't have any luck persuading him to put the whiskey down.

"Well if you can't beat them," I smirk, taking the bottle from his hand in an attempt to dull my own vices, "Join them."

"See, I'm not on my own when I've got you," He grins, placing his hands on the back of my thighs and pulling me closer to stand in between his legs.

"Ditto," I whisper, leaning down and kissing him slowly, tasting the whiskey on his lips as I ignore all the loud voices in my head.

Every kiss, every touch, every seductive word that leaves his lips just pulls me further and further into his web. The way his hands trail my body, the words he uses to describe me are better than any drug. Being with him helps me escape the torment I've been experiencing since what happened on the airstrip.

I pull away, taking another swig of whiskey before handing the bottle back to him, watching as he smiles back at me.

"You have no idea how beautiful you are," He whispers, placing the whiskey bottle on the floor, pulling me closer to him and kissing me slowly as we fall back against the bed.

Maybe it makes me a bad person, but maybe I can look past us relying on drugs and alcohol, if it means I get to see him this happy. As he continues plying my lips with kisses I feel more and more consumed by him. His hands roam my body, his hands slipping underneath my t-shirt, tracing over my bare skin.

"I've got a confession to make," Rafe mumbles against my lips as I pull away.

"What?" I whisper, threading my hand through his hair.

"That night I dropped you off on the cut, before we were a thing, I wasn't meeting a friend, I just wanted to make sure you were okay, and secretly I wanted to spend time with you." Rafe explains, filling my stomach with butterflies.

"I kind of guessed that," I giggle, kissing him slowly, interlocking his hand with mine.

"And here I was, thinking I was being subtle." Rafe grins, running his index finger over my wrist and drawing what I believe to be a star.

"You? Subtle?" I smirk.

"Watch it," Rafe mutters, gripping my hips and pulling me closer.

"Do you think we're bad people?" I whisper, letting the thoughts that I bury at the back of my mind come to the surface.

"What? Why would you say that?" Rafe pauses, as I sit back.

"I lied, the pogues did say something," I mutter as he sits up straight.

"What?" He asks sternly, "What did they say?"

"They said that they don't want anything to do with me," I reply, leaving out the important details about Sarah and John B being alive, as I feel tears glazing my eyes.

"Is that it?" Rafe replies.

"Rafe, they're my best friends, and they hate me, do you not see how that could affect me?" I tell him, tears rolling down my cheeks.

"You don't need them, Sid," Rafe sighs, cupping my cheeks with his hands.

"Rafe, I have lost everyone, I lost my sister, my best friends, do you just expect me to be okay with that?" I reply.

"They're not good for you Sid," He answers, "You deserve better."

"Better?" I scoff, pulling away and climbing off of the bed, feeling the return of the tremble in my hands.

"You are too good for them, Sid!" He exclaims.

"I'm too good for them?" I laugh in disbelief, "I'm on medication to stop the thoughts of the dead sheriff lying in front of me, the blood I see on my hands every time I close my eyes, the guilt I feel every time I picture Sarah and John B on that boat in that storm."

"None of that is your fault," Rafe attempts to reason with me.

"Then who's fault is it, Rafe?" I shout, my body shaking with anxiety.

"You know the answer to that," Rafe mutters, "You're just too scared to admit it."

"I'm not doing this," I scoff, grabbing my bag and tossing it over my shoulder.

I walk out the bedroom, slamming the door behind me and walking down the hallway towards the stairs. I need a fix, I really fucking need it, I can feel my body itching for it, every inch of my skin is just craving calm.

After cycling across the island I make it to the very edge of the cut, where Barry lives. I toss my bike against the outside of his house and rush up the steps to his front door, not even bothering to knock.

"Barry," I say sternly as I step into his porch, seeing him lying across the couch, "I need some coke, now."

"You got cash?" He asks, sitting up straight.
"You know me," I nod, pulling out a wad of cash and handing it to him.

"Very good," He smirks, opening the tin on the coffee table and handing me several grams of cocaine in tiny plastic bags.

I sit down on the other couch desperately, tipping the contents of one of the bags onto the coffee table, lining it up and snorting it quickly. I'm more or less numb to the way it affects my nostrils now, I just accept that it's part of it.

"Fucking hell, Sidney," Barry laughs, "What's got you going like that?"

"Wouldn't you like to know," I scoff, resting my head against the back of the couch.

"Rafe still doesn't have a clue, does he?" Barry chuckles to himself.

"Not unless you've told him." I reply blankly, feeling the wave of insensibility wash over my body.

"Your secret's safe with me," He smirks, pouring himself a glass of whiskey.

"I suppose he'd kill you if he found out that you'd been selling me drugs," I sigh with a devilish grin that even Rafe would be proud of, "And we wouldn't want that."

The door to Barry's house opens and I glance at Barry to get a read of whether or not it's a customer that he likes, and all I see is fear.

"Sidney." I hear Rafe's familiar voice.

I look up at him in fear, his jaw tensed and his hands clenched into fists. I'm pretty sure that he's worked out why I'm here, I mean it's hardly going to be a social call is it?

"Sidney, what are you doing here?" Rafe asks, gritting his teeth as he stares at Barry with resentment.

"Just thought I'd pop by to see my old friend, Bazza," I grin, trying to play it off as nothing.
"Don't be fucking smart with me," Rafe glances at me, "Tell me the truth before I fucking cave his head in."

"I'm here for the same reason as you, I imagine," I announce, standing up and acting as a barrier between him and Barry, "Wouldn't be the first time you came to get drugs after a difficult conversation would it?"

"Sid, please tell me you aren't doing cocaine." Rafe replies, stepping closer to me, staring at Barry over my shoulder.

"I'm not doing cocaine." I smirk sarcastically, telling him what he wants to hear.

"Sid, stop fucking playing around," Rafe shouts, "Did he force you into this?"

"Oh, you'd love that wouldn't you?" I laugh, "Saving me from the big bad wolf."

"Sidney, how much have you had?" He asks, attempting to appear calm, "If you don't tell me, I'll just get the answer out of Barry, my way."

"I've been taking it as long as you've been thinking I'm on happy pills." I explain, watching the anger in his eyes fade to regret.

"Why?" He mutters, "I told you that shit isn't good for you."

"If it's good enough for you, why isn't it good enough for me?" I ask in desperation.

"She's got a point." Barry adds from the couch behind me.

"Barry, get the fuck out," Rafe shouts at him.

"This is my house!" Barry exclaims.

"And I need to talk to my girlfriend in private, so get out!" Rafe tells him sternly as Barry stands up and slums out of the house, slamming the door behind himself.

"Sid," He sighs, "You have to stop this."

"Are you going to stop taking it?" I ask, folding my arms across my chest as he remains silent.

"Exactly," I roll my eyes, walking past him and brushing him on the way past, but before I can reach the door his hand is on my wrist.

"Sidney," He pulls me to face him, "I love you, and I don't want this shit to ruin your life, I've seen what it does to people."

"Will you stop if I stop?" I ask.

"If that's what you want," He blinks the tears away, "You are the only good thing I've got left, I can't let this ruin you the way it's ruined me."

"Okay," I nod slowly.

"Maybe we should go away for a bit," He suggests, running his hand up my arm, "My family have a house in the Bahamas, maybe we just head there for a week, away from the pogues, away from my family, away from anyone who knows us."

"I'd like that." I smile.

"Well then, you better get packing," He replies, wrapping his arms around my body and kissing my forehead.

I'd be a fool to think he'll stop doing cocaine, and as far as I'm concerned, I have no intention of stopping. I just have to be more careful, I can't let him see me doing it, I'll go to the doctor and ask for the medication so I can just leave the packet lying around so he'll assume I'm fine.

I just don't want to feel the pain anymore.

authors note: hey loves! hope you're enjoying riptide! be sure to vote, follow and all that fun stuff!  (i'm also on tiktok: sweetfreakrry)