Tyler and I arrived at the hospital just in time for a birthing room to open up. He stays in the hallway while the doctor begins pumping me full of fluids that are suppose to start the birth.

Tyler is calling the rest of the family to have them meet us here. I think it's morbid to have all of them meet the baby even though she isn't alive anymore but tyler thinks they deserve the chance to meet her if they want.

Laying in bed, the pain is clear on my face as the process starts. The contractions begin to wear me down as they come faster and faster until I just can not take it anymore.

I feel sick. I want to throw up. I feel as though there is a thousand pound weight sitting on top of my body.

Sweat drips down my face. The time to start pushing is getting closer and closer. Tyler hovers over me, staring at me as though I am a wild animal he's never seen before

I just want this to be over with. I need air. "Get this thing out of me!" I shriek, squeezing Tyler's hand tightly as a painful contraction comes.

"Okay Avery. I want you to start pushing now." The doctor smiles and gets into position.

"Do you need water? Are you comfortable?" Tyler asks, still not knowing what to do.

"Keep pushing, you're almost there." The doctor chants as the pain gets worse. "You're doing great."

"I wish my mom wasn't here!" I scream, still heaving and pushing at a steady pace.

I feel drowsy after doing this for quite some time. I feel like I've been at this for hours but in reality, it's obly been 20 minutes.

This moment isn't anything like how I thought it would be. I imagined holding my little girl at the end of all this pain and looking in her eyes as she looks back at me.

I imagined the birth being worth it once I had her in my arms and I could hold her.

But now, that is not the case.

Instead, I am just heartbroken.

At first, I didn't think I was ready to be a mother. I was scared and worried that I wouldn't be good enough. I didn't want to let down the tiny human inside of me.

But then, the idea grew on me as my little girl grew inside of me. Tyler was excited and slowly, I was too.

And now, I'm crushed that I am not getting the opportunity to be her mother and take care of her.

Why does everything get worse before it gets better? I just don't understand.

Why me? Why me?

Why?

The doctor holds the baby up and places her on my chest. I clutch her close to my chest and sob. I thought these tears in this moment would be happy ones. But they are nothing but hurt.

"You're right. Josephine would have been perfect for her." Tyler smiles and kisses the top of her little head.

Author's note: I'm so sorry