Soon You'll Get Better by Taylor Swift 

And I hate to make this all about me, but who am I supposed to talk to, what am I supposed to do, if theres no you.

363 days ago

"Ave?" My voice echoes through the small kitchen. I'm microwaving noodles at 11pm, I've spent my whole day at dance class followed by a make out session with Danny. 

I arrived home minutes ago and i'm left wondering where my sister is. She can't be visiting Mom because hospital visiting time ended hours ago. Maybe she's just gone to sleep early.

"Avery!" I call out even louder. I round the kitchen table to start searching for my elder sister but instead in the hallway walking towards me with a frown is Libby.

She's my half sister. I'm not particularly familiar with Libby all that much because we only share one Father and neither of us are close with him. Seeing her in my house when my sister is nowhere to be seen is a little concerning.

"Hi?" I force a smile as much as I can. Libby has small tears teasing her eyes and a sad sympathetic smile. 

"Avery's at the hospital. She asked me to visit and make sure you got home safe. Your Mom passed away." Libby's voice shakes as she tells me. 

A ringing consumes my ears. I almost think I might collapse. I hope if I do that I never wake up.

I can't have heard that right. My Mom? She's dead? No she isn't. I saw her this morning, she was fine. She kissed my cheek and sang along to our favourite song on the radio as the doctor scolded me for wearing a 'revealing' shirt. She argued right back at the guy and defended me, demanding she get a new doctor. She squeezed my cheeks and told me I had to get home and take cough drops for my cold.

"How?" I ask numbly, no tears or even an ounce of pain. Libby frowns, "She developed a fever and she wasn't strong enough." She explains as calmly as she can despite being upset from having to tell me.

A fever. She got sick. I got her sick. She told me to go home because she didn't want me to infect her but it was too late. I did this. I killed my Mother.

It started with just a single tear sliding peacefully down my cheek. And somehow in mere moments I was collapsed on the ground sobbing and screaming. Libby jumped into action quickly, holding my body and allowing me to sob into her clean shirt. 

My Mommy. She's dead. 

My voice hurts from screaming. I can't stop. The heavy squeezing on my heart won't stop. I can't breathe. My Mom.

Had I been so delusional as to believe she was going to be okay. I've just pretended none of this was real. I never told anyone how scared I was, I never even let myself admit it in my mind. 

She's all I have. Who do I talk to now? Who's going to tease me about boys? who'll wipe my tears? Who'll laugh at my jokes? Who's going to tell me what outfit looks better? 

This isn't about me. But I lost my Mommy. How do I move on with my life without my Mom?

She had to get better. I told myself she would. She told me she would. All the doctors assured me she would be better soon. 

I prayed every single night. I'm not even religious. But I prayed for something. I begged anyone who could fix this.

Things are never going to go back to normal. I'm never going to play her stupid make believe games running around the house. 

And I worry this feeling will never end. I worry that someday I'll have my own kids and there will still be this heavy pain in my heart. 

Who am I without my Mother? 

That night Libby drove me to the hospital to say goodbye to Mom. I didn't want to see her if I'm honest, but I knew I had to.

The second I got there I threw my arms around Avery and we both just held each other, all ran out of tears to cry.

I entered the hospital room alone to say goodbye. The second I saw her body I knew every time I closed my eyes it was all I would ever see.

Her body was freezing and pale, almost like a ghost. I grip the necklace around my neck that she gave me weeks ago for my 16th birthday. She always wore it, never once took it off her neck. 

I hold her lifeless unmoving hand in mine. Despite being dehydrated with tears I still manage to sob even more tears.

"I'm sorry Mommy." I sob. 

But unlike the other times, she doesn't wipe my tears. She doesn't scold me for being dramatic. She doesn't hug me and tell me it'll be okay. Because it's not. Nothing is okay. Not anymore.

Nothing will ever be the same again. 

(a/n. Another short chapter this week, but next week there'll be a bigger action filled chapter. Maybe i'll post it early, we'll see. I find this chapter so emotional to think about the fact that Paris and Avery lost their Mom like 2 months before coming to Texas – in this fic anyway. I feel as though I haven't really touched on her death for a while but soon she'll be back as a pretty big significance. I think Paris has just had so much going on here that she's managed to push her Mom's death to the back of her priorities but soon enough it'll catch up to her. Anyway, thanks for reading, sorry it's late)