Dial Drunk by Noah Kahan

I dial drunk, I'll die a drunk, I'll die for you. I'm untethering from the parts of me you'd recognize, from charmin' to alarmin' in seconds, I'll be bedridden, I'll let the pain metastasize.

Paris.

Drunk and mildly high from the cigarette I stole from some stoner on the couch, I somehow wind up drunk dialling my ex. It's 1am here, my makeup is melted down my face as I hug myself on the dirty floor of a bathroom.

His number is programmed into my thumbs by now. I type it out with muscle memory. I hesitate for at least five minutes before just going with it and hitting call. I don't bother to count out the time difference, knowing he'll pick up.

Just as the call's about to ring out, he answers. My breathing hitches when I'm met by a haunting silence. I sniffle and get ready to hang up. 

"P?" Grayson's voice alone sends shockwaves through my whole body. Every single inch of my body tingles.

"Gray?" I sob in response. I muffle my cries by suffocating myself with my hand.

"Hey.. hey what's wrong?" He asks with sympathy.

I don't respond, I drown my hands with tears, clearing my face as I tremble. I run my hands through my hair.

"Panic attack?" He guesses. 

"I don't know." My voice is wet from my bawling.

"Take a deep breath, tell me what's up." He instructs calmly, his voice sending a wave of endorphins to my body, causing the knots buried beneath my flesh to loosen up and release some of the tension I've been carrying at all times.

"I stole Maddie's phone to call you. I don't have long before she realizes." I tell him, clutching the phone in my palms.

"That's fine. It- it said your name when you called?" He asks. "I changed her name on her phone so you'd pick up. I needed you to pick up." My voice is achingly shaky.

"What's wrong?" He asks, firm but careful. "Nothing-" I answer instinctively. "P." He urges the truth out of me.

"I.. I'm so scared. All the time. Of everyone." I bawl, the tears flooding out my eyes and dripping to my arms.

"Shh.. shh.. It's okay. Don't cry." Grayson coos gently across the phone. "Tell me what's going on." 

I open my mouth to tell him, glad to get it off my chest. Maddie's phone pings and a text comes through.

Careful what you say. I'm listening. 

I feel a blurry haze take over my boozed body. I barely have to move to hoist my head close enough to the toilet for the bile in my throat to spill down the toilet instead of the floor. 

"It's okay. Let it out, kid." Grayson winces.

Either someone's listening, meaning they'd have to be right outside, or it's Grayson. I throw myself at the door, throwing it open. 

My heart sinks. And there she is. On the other side of the door, is Maddie. Staring directly at me in anticipation. A phone in her hands. I have her phone. I took it.

"There you are!" She sighs with relief, hugging me and making a move for her phone. She sees Grayson's name and furrows her brows. 

"Drunk dialling your ex in the bathroom of a frat party?" She furrows her brows sympathetically. "Sorry Grayson." Maddie tells the phone. "Come on, we're going home." She sighs, taking me by the wrist. 

The second she touches me I scream, pushing her away. "No!" I wail. She steps back, giving me space with her teeth gritting.

"You're a mess, Paris." She scoffs, starting to walk away and finally hanging up on Grayson.

The rowdy party goers stare, whispering and attempting to take photos before I storm out in a drunk stumbling rage.

My roommates yells ring through the house, merging with the other pumping music and drunk yelling. It's nothing. It's all just background noise to the existential crisis battling around my mind. 

"Get back here!" A voice can barely be made out. Someone's grabbing my wrist, pulling me back. But then I'm breaking free, huffing as I march on, leaving the random driveway and walking down the street.

I make it through our front door a little later. We'd all have walked home regardless, just never alone. The house is cold. It's odd for the end of May. Odd but still cold nonetheless. 

I wrap up in a blanket in my room, taking a couple minutes to mentally place the new ropes on my murder board before actually following through. 

Pushing to my feet, I wrap the red string around some new pins, connecting them to Maddie for every possibility. I write paragraphs on flashcards, pinning them up too and admiring my own work.

I ran out of space on the wall a long time ago, it all expanded to the floor of the room, along with opposite walls and counters and really just wherever I can fit it. I wound up shuffling my bed to the side for more space.

Without a shadow of a doubt, I confirm mentally it's Maddie.

(a/n. Sorry for the filler chapter. Also, I hope you guys don't mind the time skips. I didn't think it would be interesting to write the same thing on repeat. I swear the next chapters fun, then maybe another filler and after that the action starts and I swear to god it doesn't stop. You guys are gonna be wishing for a filler chapter in the next half of this part. Thanks for reading <3)