"I've never wanted something so hard before, but it's unattainable," -C.T

I always told myself that I didn't believe in love for a reason. 

It was never worth the inevitable pain that always came in the end. 

No matter which form of love it was, it had always failed me, so I didn't bother trying to put myself in that position again. However, I did without even trying. I swore I'd never love anyone again besides Vivi because Sterling broke a certain part of me that I didn't think I'd ever get back. Christine broke everything else, places that were far beyond repair.

And it took a while to heal from that hurt because I was still hurting.

But like the idiot I knew I was, that didn't stop me. I knew nothing good was going to happen. I mean, he said that he didn't like pretentious rich people and like it or not, I was that epitome. 

I couldn't do anything about it now. The only thing that I could do was hope that one day that I would forget the pain of not knowing what could've been. I could hope that I could go back to who I used to be, that same Cheyenne who was the same with or without love. It made life so much easier to bear because I didn't have to deal with useless things like emotions. 

"I'm so fucking stupid," I had an itch for a drink, but I couldn't find where Tara had put them. She had moved them so Holly wouldn't think that it was something she could drink, not that she would. 

I sighed, pushing my head into the cushion, hoping that the pain of suffocation would distract me from everything else. "We're back!" I heard Tara's voice as she shut the front door and the clamor of footsteps echoed off of the would and I instantly knew who it was. 

"Hey," I murmured in a soft tone, trying to fake a smile as the little girl made her way towards me, her lips up in a pout. I wondered what was wrong as she had just come from hanging out with Joaquin. Of course, I didn't take her to him like I normally would have and he didn't come here to see her like usual.

Everything had changed because of my mistake.

"Did daddy do something to hurt you, Chey Chey?" Holly crawled up on the couch to lay her head on my stomach and I sighed, figuring out what to say to her. She was still too little to really understand and I didn't want to push anything else on her. "No, I think it's the other way around, Holly," I rubbed my face, fighting the urge to cry. 

"Daddy said he was sad," She continued on, not knowing that she was just adding to the broken heart I already had. "But not because of you. He misses Mommy, so I know he's trying his best. I do know something though," She lifted her head up so I could see her green eyes staring at me as if she knew what I was thinking. "My daddy loves you, Chey Chey," I stifled the abhorrent cough that threatened to take me out of this world. "He's just a big scaredy-cat because he doesn't want you to leave or die," She explained with confusion on her face as if she didn't know what she was talking about or the implications of it. 

"Holly..." I trailed off, unsure if I should poke in a hole in the air or not. "Do you realize what exactly you're saying to me?" She tilted her head and nodded. "Yes,  uncle Tomas told me that you weren't my mommy, but you were like one! Also, you gave my daddy the cute heart eyes when he came by last week." She giggled to herself and I was so taken aback, that I didn't know what to do.

I was going to kill Tomas for corrupting this girl's mind. Even if she didn't seem like she minded, I didn't want the idea being planted into her head in case I had to somehow leave her life. Speaking of, I really had no clue what was happening because Joaquin hadn't called nor texted since he left six days ago. 

The hole in my heart was returning and I couldn't stop it because all I had were thoughts of regret. If Vivi hadn't forced me to meet him and get punch spilled on me, I wouldn't be in this situation.

But damn, I couldn't blame Vivi as much as I wanted to. I just had to go and fall for someone who was nowhere in my league. Why did I have to fall for you?

"I'm gonna go take a nap," Holly hugged my waist one more time as if she was trying to take away the pain she knew I had. It helped, but the burning inside didn't subside. I was such a god damn fool for ever thinking that somebody like me deserved love.

Soon after Holly climbed her way up the stairs to where I presumed Tara was tucking her in or whatever, the doorbell rang. I grumbled to myself, just wanting a moment of silence just so I could figure out how to move on. I was trying to figure out how to heal this wound, but I kept touching it, thinking about him. It was inevitable; that love I saw in the movies growing up had embedded its way into my once-cold heart and that poor boy took it, giving me no sign that he was going to give it back.

I dragged myself across the floor to the door, feeling like I had a ton of pressure pushing down on my shoulders. I had no clue who it could be, and I wasn't in the mood for anyone. My surprise was increased ten-fold when I stared into familiar eyes.

Standing on my doorstep was one Davina Thorn. 

"What are you doing here? How did you find me?" I shot straight to the point with a sigh, watching as she fixed her MK purse before fixing me with a stare. The look on her face held regret and inner turmoil, so I decided to be less of a dick. "You're my son, whether you like it or not. I always know where you are," She said before letting a small smile come to her lips.

I rolled my eyes with a huff before holding the door open. "Well, are you going to come in or not?" She looked genuinely surprised before nodding, walking inside. "What a nice place you have," She looked along the walls, seeing a varying amount of my paintings. "I've told you this before, but you are exceptionally talented," I frowned, not hearing the usual bite in her tone as I led her to my living room.

This was leading to be very awkward, I could feel that tiny twinge in my gut. "Um, sit, I guess," This was probably the first time I was going to have a conversation with Davina that wasn't going down the drain like everything else.

I took a seat on the long sofa as she took a seat across from me. She twiddled with her fingers as she looked around nervously. It was a new look for her, I had to admit. When she was around Sterling, she was as cold as ice, but take her away from him, you wouldn't recognize her. 

"So, you gonna say something or what?" I had a lot to deal with and her showing up unannounced was not helping at all. She took a deep breath and leered at me with conviction in her blue eyes and suddenly, I knew where this was going.

"I'm so so—

"I don't need an apology, really."

She looked taken aback as if I had offended her, but for the first time, it wasn't my intention. One could read between the lines. "I don't blame you. I mean, I hated your snake-like behavior for a while, but even I can see the act you put up. You aren't fooling anyone, Davina," I folded my arms, cutting my eyes at her and she cracked a small grin, letting out a tiny laugh. "You were always the perceptive child," She stared at me with a soft look in her eyes, a look that I wanted to see all this time. 

We just sat there, staring at each other as if the looks would mend the mental scars that we both had obtained. "Are you," Davina's voice cracked as she moved closer to me and I found that I didn't flinch. "Are you okay now? You look like you've been crying," I bit my lip, wondering if she was someone I could even start to trust. What if this was all an act and this was just some plot that Sterling crafted up just so he could get a dig at me?

I studied her for a minute, narrowing my eyes. Well, even if she was here upon one of his schemes, it wouldn't matter because I didn't care about that man enough to value his opinion. "...no," I stated honestly and her lip quivered, her hand twitching as if she wanted to reach out to me. I wasn't sure how I felt about that because the last time she had touched me was when she hugged me that same night.

"....I don't believe in love for many reasons," I must have been drunk off of my own misery because there was just no way that I was just spilling all of my feelings to the one woman I vowed not to. It was probably because once I took my head out of my ass to fully see the picture, she was operating behind the scenes to keep Sterling from me. I didn't know how, but she was doing it.

"But then I met someone who gave me a reason to believe," I could feel my eyes prickling with the sting of tears and I had the urge to punch myself for acting like this. "And I ruined it." I couldn't get over the way that he looked at me, the way he pushed me away as if I was someone so disgusting that he couldn't bear to be in my presence. It really hurt.

"If I may," Davina cleared her throat, prompting my attention as she carefully chose her next words. "Is this person that same individual who came to our estate to see you?" I kept my gaze level as I nodded, knowing that these next turn of events were going to be crucial. "Hm, I see why you were denying all of my friends," She smirked and I scoffed. "No, they just weren't into me for me. They acted unnaturally as if all they wanted from me was more money."

And then it hit me. 

Joaquin wasn't like that at all. He nearly killed me by putting me into a chokehold when I slid my card over to the waiter to pay for our lunch. "I mean he is most definitely not a person that I would've chosen to hang out with on my own," I snickered at my own thoughts. "But I'm glad I did. He knows me for me, my secrets, my fears, and I just," I took a deep breath, feeling my hands shake.

"I just don't know what I did wrong." And that was when the first tear fell into my lap and Davina caved in, leaning over to pull me into her arms. I wouldn't admit it out loud, but her arms felt like a sanctuary, a safe haven, which was ironic. "What happened, Cheyenne?" Davina's voice was soft as she rubbed my back, leaning her head on my forehead. It comforted me immensely because it was something similar to the hug Joaquin gave me.

But of course, it wasn't the same. 

"I tried to tell him that I," I choked on my words. "I loved him, but of course, that went as well as expected. I'm such a fucking idiot, why would someone who was still grieving over their wife want to deal with this?" Biting my lip in order to stop the tears from coming was not helping at all because it just made them come even more.

"Cheyenne, you have to look at how he feels too. He's probably conflicted because he doesn't want to replace his wife's memory with you. He doesn't know what to do because he most likely feels like he's betraying her if he's happy with you," The warmth exuding from her was enough to lull me into a calm as her words resonated with me.

"You might've triggered something, but it's okay. This is something that he has to deal with on his own," She whispered and I relaxed in her touch, wishing that Joaquin was here. "But...what if he never comes back?" The thought scared me. I didn't think that I'd get so attached to him, but it was so hard not to.

"He came all the way to our estate just to see you," I looked up at her to see that she was smiling, that furrow between her brows gone and she looked effortlessly happy. "Darling, he'll be back," She sounded so sure of herself, but I didn't know myself. I didn't believe that because the way that he looked at me was so ingrained into my very being that it was hard to see anything else. 

"By the way," Davina tinkered around in her purse, pulling out something to hand to me. "I don't know if you need it or if it will help, but here," I glanced at her hand, a frown on my face. This was something so normal for our family, and it was so weird how it felt like I was on the outside looking in. 

Once upon a time, I would've taken that money like it was nothing, but I found that as I stared at the thick wad of cash in her hand, I could hear Joaquin's voice in the back of my head chastising me. 

'There are people who need that money more than you.'

'Money doesn't grow on trees, so make do with what you have.'

'Stop acting like this money is everything because it isn't. Time is more important.'

It was crazy how time flew and I went from this to that. It was crazy how I was letting someone else influence my way of thinking and my moral values when I went the last few years of my life listening to myself. 

"I'm good," I replied and she paused for a moment, a look of pride in her eyes as she slowly pocketed the cash. "My, I'll have to meet this individual if he has this much impact on you," She chuckled and I didn't say a thing, in fear that the crack of my voice would betray me. "I miss you so much, my son. You have no idea..." She was allowing herself to be transparent because there was nothing else that either of us could lose at this point. 

"Thank you, mom," I let myself utter, feeling her still beneath me. I was beginning to regret saying it when I heard her start to sniffle. She clutched me to her even tighter, hoping that this moment would last. I didn't know how long we sat there in each other's arms, but various wounds were beginning to heal.

Though the most recent one would never fade as long as I lived. It was just a stroke of luck that failed and now I had no choice but to move on and build up those walls again.