With the whole love problem solved, live carries on. It’s funny how in all those books I read and the films I watched, everything ends when the protagonists confess their love; the conflict is settled and the credits roll. A final kiss and that’s it. But life isn’t like that. After saying ‘I love you’ life goes on, the relationship continues and the couple faces many other problems, as a couple or individually. And that’s life, isn’t it? One problem after the other, a new issue to deal with after solving another. There’s always something going on that we need to take care of.

This problem’s been happening for a while, but I was so focused on figuring out my own feelings that I pushed this other issue at the back of my mind. I think I did it because I know this is an even bigger issue and I needed to have a clear mind to deal with it. I have to solve other issues first so I can tackle this one. My mind organises my priorities before I even realise I’ve done it.

All my life I’ve known what I want to do with my life. It’s basically all I knew. Since the first time my parents took me to their laboratory in university I knew I wanted to be a scientist. Maybe it was because as a child, everything looked so pretty and shiny that I was captivated. I remember seeing my mum working with solutions, changing them from blue to red and I was fascinated.

“Magic!” I cheered clapping. That was also one of the few times Mum smiled at me.

“No, Allison; science,” she corrected me.

Since then I wanted to be like Mum and Dad, work in a laboratory and do magic, meaning science. Both my parents are biochemists, reason why following their path seems only logical for me. My parents studied at Manchester University, but I wanted more and they wanted more for me when I decided to follow their path.

“Why not Cambridge,” said Father. “Always aim high, Allison, because the only way to surprise ourselves is to challenge us.”

And I agreed. Since then Cambridge has been my goal and I never questioned it. When I thought in ten years time, fifteen years time I always saw myself wearing a lab coat, working to find something amazing, unique and necessary for the world, something that would change life as we know it. Today I think in ten years time and I can’t see myself. I imagine myself wearing a lab coat and in a laboratory, and I feel trapped, but I fail at picturing anything else. I’ve never tried, I never had a backup plan and when my future becomes blurry, I don’t know what to do.

What if being a scientist is not all what I want to be? I know I’m wired to be one, it’s how I face life, but maybe it’s not the only option. But isn’t too late to be thinking about my future? The A Levels are in a few months and I need to have clear what I want. This uncertainty is making me anxious.

“Allie, careful!” exclaims Sam, stopping me from pouring too much chloric acid into the solution.

I stop myself before I ruin the experiment we’re carrying out in Chemistry. Sam and I are now partners. Changing partners after the school year began are privileges Sam gets for being Mrs White’s daughter.

“Are you okay? You’re never distracted during class,” she asks next and I shake my head, putting the container back on the table.

“I got caught in thoughts, that’s all,” I explain but Sam furrows her eyebrows at me.

“During an experiment? Highly unlikely, Allie. You’re not like that. Is there something troubling you? Do you need to get some air? I can ask Mum and—”

“I’m fine, really. Don’t worry,” I try to put her at ease but her expression doesn’t change.

“Is it about Zeke? Are you having trouble?” she questions and my eyes widen in horror.

“No, of course no, Sam. We’re great, better than ever,” I reply because it’s the absolute truth. Since I told him I love him things have been great, so easy and laid-back. “Really, I just got distracted. It won’t happen again.”

Sam doesn’t insist because at that moment Mrs White calls our attention to focus on the experiment again. And that’s what we do, I block my head from thinking of anything else and just finish this experiment. By the time class is over, we take a bit more time to clean all what we’ve used and leave all the chemicals back in their rightful place, and as we’ve taken a bit longer than usual, Zeke is waiting for us outside the classroom.

“Everything okay?” he asks as I go next to him, letting him wrap his arm around my shoulders. His embrace comforts me because now that we’re not working, my worries come back.

“Allie is worried about something and she doesn’t wanna tell me. And now I’m worried because she almost ruined the experiment. It was just a simple one and she was distracted. Make her talk before I panic,” Sam blurts out and I sigh.

“Is everything okay, Allie? Do you need help?” he offers and I sigh.

“I’m just… questioning my options, that’s all. I seem no longer so interested in pursuing a career in biochemistry, but then if it’s not that, I don’t know what else to do with my life,” I finally confess and we all grow silent. I can feel my heartbeats, rather quick.

“You mean you’re having second thoughts about what you always knew for sure?” Sam ponders and I heave a sigh and nod. “Jesus, no wonder you were like that.”

Next thing I know Sam is pulling me from Zeke and giving me a big, tight hug. I’m surprised but I accept it, letting myself relax, even more when I feel Zeke’s hand on my shoulder.

“It must feel like everything is crumbling around you, especially for you, Allie. I know it’s been all you got until very recently, so it’s even worse.” She pulls back and smiles at me reassuringly. “But it’s okay. I think everyone questions their choices and plans. It’s normal to change our mind as we grow up. We need to consider other options. You think I always wanted to work with music? When I was a kid I wanted to be a fire-fighter, a baker, a doctor, a teacher, a unicorn, until I got my hands on a guitar and learnt how much I love it.”

“I wanted to be a boxer,” Zeke contributes. “A social worker, anthropologist, psychologist, and finally came to illustrator.”

I look at them with all the dreams they’ve had, all their future plans whilst I’ve only had one, and now that’s crumbling.

“My point is,” Sam continues. “That it’s okay to hesitate and consider other things. Maybe you’ll need to think of other options and imagine yourself differently and then you’ll come back to being a biochemist. Or maybe you’ll find something better. Maybe your true calling is being a stripper! We know singer is not your cup of tea.”

We all laugh at that and I’m grateful that I have her because she’s capable of giving great lessons and make me laugh at the same time so I don’t feel overwhelmed by the weight of the issue at hands.

“Thanks, Sam, Zeke,” I tell them before my girl friend pushes me towards Zeke so he can hug me know.

“Sharing is caring,” she tells Zeke and he chuckles as his arm wrap around me, keeping me warm in this winter day. “Now, just take it easy. Talk to your parents about it. They know you since you were little, maybe they have suggestions for you to think about. You still have time to decide, so don’t rush. A decision like this takes time and you need to weigh all the options, okay? Don’t obsess over it.”

“I won’t,” I promise with a smile. I actually feel better now that I’ve talked about it.

In an attempt to light the mood, we go to Tempest to get quesadillas and during the whole time we propose all kind of jobs for the future me.

“Ballerina. Definitely ballerina,” Sam states seriously.

“Vet,” I try.

“Karate sensei,” is one of Zeke proposals.

“Juggler.”

“Pimp.”

“Drug dealer.”

It’s amazing the amount of jobs we come up with. Some very normal like your typical teacher, doctor, lawyer and then some more odd ones like bed tester, which is quite appealing but probably I would bore to death, no matter how comfortable it is.

As usual, Zeke walks me home and he would normally come in, but he’s working on a new project so he needs to get back to work as soon as possible. I also have to prepare for a talk with my parents regarding my future. That is why I prepare dinner today, because in all honesty, I’m too nervous to study. With Sam and Zeke it was easy to talk about this issue, it was fun and it put me at ease, but I’m not sure what to expect from my parents. The whole topic of future is too important for them. They want the best for me and for fifteen years I’ve wanted to be a scientist and if I tell them now that I’m not so sure anymore, I’m afraid they won’t understand or take it as a personal rejection. Or maybe, they’ll surprise me again by accepting whatever makes me happy and provides a safe future for me. The idea of becoming a pimp would horrify them, that’s for sure.

I think they’ve learnt already that when I want to discuss something with them, something important, I prepare dinner so when they walk in and find me settling the table, their expressions become suspicious.

“Did something happen, Allison?” Mum asks and I smile.

“In fact, yes, and I would like to talk about it with you two, if that’s okay. I need your… advice.”

They look at each other and nod, but I can read concern in their expressions. They still sit and I bring dinner. I’m not sure how to approach the topic without worrying them too much. The fact that I don’t have another option will surely make them anxious. It is definitely making me anxious. But Sam is right, my parents know me better than anyone else, they’ve watched me grow so they might have suggestion for me. And it’s better to inform them as soon as possible of the changes so then they won’t tell me ‘why didn’t you tell us before, Allison?’ with a disapproving tone.

“Allison, is there something wrong with your boyfriend?” Dad asks and I don’t miss the hopeful tone in his voice. Is this something common in fathers? Especially when their little girl is dating?

“No, we are doing great,” I repeat the same answer I gave Sam. Why do they immediately think that the problem lies on my relationship with Zeke?

“Then what’s wrong?” Mum asks and I sigh.

“I’m having doubts,” I start and they just wait for me to continue. “About my future. I’m not sure if biochemistry is what I really want to do with my life anymore.”

It’s silence, absolute and claustrophobic silence. They look at me as if I’ve grown a second head and my heart starts racing, scared. They don’t look understanding right now.

“Pardon me?” Dad asks. “Are you telling me you changed your plan?”

“Not exactly… I’m saying I don’t know what my dream might be… anymore. I love biochemistry but I’m thinking that maybe—”

“Allison,” Mum interrupts me. “You don’t even have clear what else you want? What other option? Why? Why are you suddenly changing your mind? Is your boyfriend influence? You’ve always loved this, we didn’t force it on you. It was your choice since you were three years olds. I think we have the right to know what happened.” Her voice is tense and I see her clenching her fist around the fork.

“I—I don’t know. I just… fail at seeing myself as a biochemist. I don’t know what changed. Maybe I changed! I don’t know. That’s what confusing me so much now, I don’t know what’s happening.”

“You have changed!” Dad snaps and my eyes widen in surprise and disbelief. “You’ve changed so much and we’ve tried our best to understand you and support you, but one thing has always been clear: your future is first.”

“It’s okay if you don’t want to be a biochemist like us,” Mum continues. “There are plenty of other areas you can excel at, Allison, we are certain of that. We even think that biochemistry is too small for you, but if that’s what you want, then we are okay with it. Happy for you. But we can’t accept you not having a plan for your future. You are in your last year, the A Levels are in a few months, Allison. You need to have a plan!”

My parents are stressed and they are not helping at all, I feel like someone is squeezing my heart. I understand where they are coming from. The problem is not that I might not want to be a biochemist anymore, or a scientist for what matters, the problem is that I don’t know what to do with my life.

I look down, feeling my eyes burning and I blink, confused by this feeling that’s so alien to me.

“Contrary to what youngsters might think, Allison,” Dad states, more calmly this time. “You don’t have that much time. We’ll accept whatever decision you make and that can provide a safe future for you, but you need to find the answer soon so you can prepare properly for that.”

“I know,” I accept but I have a lump in my throat. I wish they could help me to find an answer instead of just telling me I need to figure this out on my own and soon. I just feel pressured now.

This really didn’t go in any way I could have anticipated.

-:-:-

Quick and surprise update! Hope you liked it. Leave a commet!

Bel, xx