I am not a romantic. Sex is just sex in my opinion, and it’s quite glorified by society, making it seem like a huge deal when it’s just natural. However, it does change some things, especially when it happens with your boyfriend whom you love.

I once read an article that said sex shouldn’t hurt for women. When fully and properly aroused, they shouldn’t feel pain. If it hurts, it means something is being done wrong. Even for the first time it shouldn’t hurt. However, considering the sum of the factors involved in the moment, especially in a first time, such as lack of experience, nerves, fear and anxiety, it is difficult for a woman to reach the appropriate level of arousal that would help her from feeling pain.

In my case, because I was nervous, because I was conscious and because both Zeke and I aren’t experienced partners —he’s only had sex with one other girl, that doesn’t make him a sex god— it was painful, awkward and uncomfortable at first, yet it was special. It was with Zeke and I don’t regret what I did in the slightest.

I once read that sex acts as a catalyst for the chemical reactions in our brains, making the bonding stronger between the two partners. In our case with Zeke, it happened. I do feel closer to him because we’ve shared a level of intimacy I haven’t shared with anyone else. And I think with practice it’ll become more pleasant as we both gain experience and know how to be with the other in that sense.

Sam says we look even more in love now and that we should stop before she gets indigestion or something. I told her about what happened on my birthday, sparing her the details, just that it happened, that it wasn’t exactly pleasant —especially at first— but that I did enjoyed it and that it was special. I also told my mother, reassuring her that we took all the precautions and that I was satisfied with my decisions. She was okay with that. We both agreed that Father could never know about it.

Not because Zeke and I had sex it means now we do it every chance we get. Plus, I live with my parents, he with Beth so it’s not like we get many chances either. But we’ve been together other few times and I was right, it gets better with practice, as you get to know each other better at that level.

So like that, with that new level in our relationship, time passes by, including Valentine’s Day in which day Zeke cooked for me. It was very adorable. Now we’re in mid March and I’m still struggling with an old issue: my future. I’m still unsure of what I’m pursuing. For now I keep sticking to biochemistry, but every day I grow more certain that it’s not what I really want to dedicate my life to.

I’ve taken my parents’ help and visited other faculties in the campus, even talked to other professors they know. I had the most illuminating talk with doctor Maxwell, a wonderful woman that recommended me really interesting articles to read about studies that were going on.

I’ve taken some counselling and the problem is that many things appeal to me so I can’t quite decide which is the best. Time is running out and I still haven’t made my decision, which is making me increasingly anxious.

Zeke has noticed my levels of anxiety growing so instead of suggesting more options, he’s decided to help me distract and relax.

“You’re thinking too much, it’s time to forget about your problems for a while,” he says to me grabbing my hand and leading me to the bus stop, Sam with us, of course.

“Are we going to an amusement park?” I question because last week they took me to one and turns out, I don’t have stomach for that. I threw up twice. “If that’s the case, can I suggest another activity instead? Something less… revolving, perhaps.”

“No, we’re visiting the orphanage. You haven’t gone in a while and they miss you,” Zeke informs me and I turn to look at Sam. “And of course Sam is going because she complains too much about how we leave her behind when we’re helping humanity.”

I just laugh and follow them. In the double decker bus we tell Sam about all the kids there, even about the ones that have been adopted in these few months —only one— and the ones that have joined —which are three. I tell her about my favourite kid, Andy, and the girls that will surely braid her hair: Julie, Nina, and Sophie. By the time we make it there I realise how much I’ve missed it. Three weeks has been too long.

Every time Zeke and I come, I have a wonderful time and I think I could also come alone, he doesn’t have to bring me all the time. I feel content when I’m here, bringing some happiness to the kids, even if I’m just playing with them. I also love helping at the shelter and even the homeless people. I’ve learnt that most of them have lost their spirit, especially in the case of those who had a life before, family, home and a job, but lost it all due to a bad decision or bad luck. Those are the ones whose spirits were crushed so badly that they can’t seem to get back on their feet. Some people are better are dealing with failure than others, some embrace their loss and even believe they deserve it. It’s so different in every case.

Since I decided to open my eyes and be part of the world instead of just putting my life on hold, I’ve been reading loads of articles and theories about human behaviour. It helps me to understand better and even predict sometimes. If I can know a bit of what goes in the mind of certain someone, then I can handle the situation more appropriately.

It helps immensely.

It is so useful, especially with kids in the orphanage because most of them feel a sense of rejection that makes it harder for them to trust others, accept themselves or even see the good in the world. Some struggle with the loss of their parents or even other situations. Understanding what they are going through helps to empathise, which is hard for me due to my lack of experience.

I love talking to them, trying to tell them what they need to hear and something that will give them hope. When they smile at me, with their eyes wide and a bit teary, I feel a sense of accomplishment that not even a Nobel Prize could provide.

“You’re really good with kids,” Sam comments when we leave the orphanage after spending the whole afternoon playing. Just today a new kid joined, Madge, one that lost her mother in a car crash and her father committed suicide shortly after, leaving her all alone.

I smile, thinking of Madge and how she wouldn’t talk to anyone, in a corner, hugging her legs. She screamed at everyone who tried to reach her so eventually the kids left her alone. I went for her and she yelled at me, tried to hit me but I didn’t give up. I stayed there no matter how much she fought me.

“I’m not gonna leave you, Madge,” I told her and her eyes welled up with tears before she broke down crying. Only then she let me hug her and comfort her. I whispered words in her ear and she didn’t leave my side. I promised her I would come very soon to see her again because no we were friends. She’s only six years old.

“Impressive for a only daughter,” my friend continues and I keep smiling.

“You’re good with people in general. You learn fast and adapt to the situation. You are specially good at dealing with difficult cases, like Madge,” Zeke contributes to the conversation and I feel so proud after hearing them saying that. It feels better than when I get a perfect score.

“Yeah! If I didn’t know you I would think you’ve got loads of experience dealing with people instead of just a few months. By the way, how did you manage to win Madge over?”

“I told her I would never leave her,” I reply and Sam looks puzzled. “She lost both her parents, one leave her unwillingly, the other willingly. She is clearly struggling with the loss and abandonment.  By telling her that, I broke through her walls and allowed her to feel and cry. She was probably supressing her feelings as she went through the motion of legal matters.”

“Oh,” both nod understanding exactly what I mean.

“Many times when people lose their loved ones they don’t allow themselves mourn or they don’t have time because everything around keeps going on, thus they only need a few moments and space to do so, someone to tell them it’s okay to cry.” They still look at me with impressed expressions.

“See? You seem to be an expert!” Sam exclaims and I chuckle.

“I like reading some psychology theories. I think it’s fascinating,” I reply and Zeke nods. “I wish I had taken that subject.”

“I think you’d be a great psychologist, if you went after that,” Zeke comments and I try to imagine myself like that. Knowing how the mind works, the struggles and how to help. “Or maybe psychiatrist. That’s more scientific for you.”

I really think about it, imagining myself studying medicine and then specialising in the mind, in such a complex organ and I feel bubbling with excitement.

“Oh, you’d nail that! You’d probably discover a bunch of new things and how to treat syndromes in the most effective way. Think of all the people you’d help! Wow!” Sam rambles, getting excited herself and I can’t help my smile.

“That definitely sounds interesting and tempting,” I accept and notice Zeke and Sam exchanging some looks.

“You could combine the two. If there’s someone who can do simultaneous majors is you, Allie,” Zeke compliments and my head gets filled with possibilities.

Such a challenge, such a complex and fascinating challenge that could help me understand people better and help in a way I didn’t think possible before. I’ve always wanted to make a difference but I never realised I could do it and interact with others. I always saw myself in a lab, but I’ve discovered I really enjoy getting involved, and understanding the different types of behaviours. It thrills me and makes me bounce with excitement.

“And you already love reading the theory so I think you’d have a blast studying it,” Sam adds and I bite my lower lip.

“I think… I think I need to do research,” I say, contemplating my options.

“You do that and consider it,” Zeke tells me, squeezing my hand tighter and then taking it to his lips to leave a kiss on the back of it. “I’m sure whatever you do, you’ll be great at it.”

“Thank you,” I tell him with a big smile. “I’ve always wanted to make a difference, help and change the world. I could do it like that, in a way I didn’t envision before, but it could work.”

“I think you’d do amazing things and help so many.”

“Like you did with Madge today,” Sam joins. “You look so happy when you talk about the orphanage or the shelter. It’s like you glow when you’re helping others.”

“Do I?” I ask because I of course haven’t noticed that. Both Zeke and Sam nod and I bite my lower lip in response. “I really need to find out more about this. And talk about it with my parents. Maybe with doctor Maxwell again. She’s a psychologist and she’s great!” I ramble and I try to imagine myself as her, doing research and new studies to help the world understand their minds better. I feel too excited for my own good at the prospect.

“You do that and let us know,” Sam says and I nod, dying to get home to start making research about this new option, feeling a lot lighter than I’ve felt for quite a while.

-:-:-

See? No sex scene and the articles Allie mentions are true by the way. Now you know ;) I love hearing your theories because yes, we are getting close to the ending so keep guessing how things will turn.

Remember, dedication goes for the best comment.

Bel, xx