I have to be thankful that I’m able to concentrate on my subjects and put all thoughts of Zeke aside. At the beginning it wasn’t easy, I guess I was too hyped and troubled to fully pay attention to class, but after a while I could put myself together and do what I’m supposed to do. Of course, once I’m out and I’m scared I might run into Zeke and that makes my heart race in fear, ready to flee and hide where no one could find me. I’ve never felt like this before, I’ve never been scared before. If you rationalise things you have nothing to be scared of.

Horror movies are not scary because the things they show you but because they play with your mind. It’s just psychological. And if you keep a cool mind and actually think, you could totally manage to survive these horrendous scenarios. In movies the characters die not because they are weak or because what haunts them is better than them; they die because they act irrationally and with fear. The ones who survive only do it because they are the main characters and someone wrote it like that, not because they would actually survive. The human being is a very capable species when they actually use their brains. Why would they lose against a ghost? Or zombies? Or some werewolf? I totally don’t buy that.

So I’m not the type who gets scared, I rationalise everything that happens… until now. I mean, a part of me knows I shouldn’t be scared, that I can outsmart Zeke and avoid all kind of problem, but then the irrational part that I normally supress is shaking because it doesn’t know what might happen. I cannot predict Zeke’s behaviour because I don’t understand him. To defeat the enemy you need to know it and that’s the problem. Now I’m even scared of studying him but I still want to understand.

It’s so confusing!

I can’t just figure out if he is just a bad boy or a guy with just a vigilante complex that doesn’t even know how to manage things. And I can’t stop thinking about it. It will give me a migraine.

By lunchtime my head actually hurts because I’ve given thought to this issue over and over again but I’ve come up with nothing and that’s infuriating.

“What’s up?” Sam asks me and I jump on my seat, a little scream escapes my lips because I was so focused on my own thoughts I didn’t notice anyone around me.

This is not good! Zeke could’ve approached and killed me whilst I was so absorbed in my own thoughts!

“I uh, I was distracted, sorry,” I say, feeling my cheeks burning with shame.

“Yeah, I noticed that. I fought myself trying to decide whether to just say boo or drop something. At the end I just talked. I think you would’ve screamed louder if I had said boo,” Sam muses sitting across from me, dropping her tray on the table. Only then I notice I only have an individual box of milk. I didn’t get lunch, I was too distracted. “Is something wrong? Really? You look constipated. Do you need to use the loo?”

I chuckle and try to smile, shaking my head to get rid of my absurd thoughts.

“I’m all right, just a bit caught up in my own thoughts. Nothing to worry about,” I tell her but she looks at me suspiciously. “Really, I just need food. I forgot to get some. Will you wait for me?”

“Of course I will. Go get some fat to those bones! You’re too skinny!” Sam jokes and I laugh. I’m not too skinny, just normal weight.

I get up and go to try to get something for lunch. I don’t feel like queuing so I just go to the vending machine and get one of these wrapped sandwiches. On my way back I notice a dark figure passing by, fast and unnoticed for all the rest but not for me. My heart races in fear as I see him passing by and I can’t move, I stay there holding on to my sandwich and shaking.

Maybe horror movies are not that far-fetched. When you are scared you are dumb.

Lucky for me, Zeke doesn’t see me so once he’s out of my sight I run back to the table where Sam is waiting for me and when I do my heart is racing so fast I think I might die. I’ve never felt like this before, so out of my own comfort zone.

“Allie? Allie are you all right?” Sam asks me when I’m back, panting and grabbing my sandwich too tightly. “What happened? Allie?”

I know Sam is worried but I can’t utter a word right now. I’m being nonsensical. Zeke didn’t see me and he wouldn’t kill me. He wouldn’t beat me up, right? I mean, he beat that tall guy because he was bullying the other girl. He wouldn’t bully other person, right?

I don’t know. I really don’t know what to expect. Why am I so scared? Do I really believe he would hurt me?

“Sam?” I ask, still slightly trembling. I need to put myself together, I need to stop acting like this.

“Yes? Is something wrong? Allie, why are you acting like this? I’m getting super worried right now,” she says and I feel bad for making her worry.

I’m being irrational. This is so not like me. I need to do something about it.

I take a deep breath and decide to talk to Sam. We are friends. Friends share their worries, right? “Sam, do you think Zeke is a bad guy?”

“What?” Sam looks so confused by my question that for a moment I smile. She was certainly not expecting me to ask that.

“Yes, Zeke, you know? The dark guy who hit Butch last week.”

“Yes, yes, I know whom you’re talking about I just don’t get why you’re talking about him.”

I smile embarrassed, but it’s not what Sam thinks. If I understand the way she is looking at me. “I’m just… curious. Do you think he is a bad guy? Like he could harm someone like… like you or like… me?”

Sam stares at me, trying to figure me out. I’m sure of that. But to be honest, not even I understand myself now. It’s all so confusing and new. Being part of the world, noticing things is more complicated than what I thought. Studying is easy, you have the theories, you control the experiments, you know what to expect. I don’t study psychology, I don’t know how to predict human behaviour.

Wouldn’t that be interesting? To actually understand how humans act the way the do, the reasons behind. To understand their minds. That would be great and far more challenging, maybe.

“I-I don’t know,” Sam says unsure. “He seems like a guy who would just pick up a fight for the sake of hurting someone. I mean, he is kinda scary. He looks like it, at least. I don’t know if he would hurt you or me if we don’t give him a reason. Although I don’t know what a good reason for him would be but we are better off if we don’t find out, don’t you think? I don’t know about you but I prefer to stay safe.”

That is true. I would be better off if I never have to taste that theory. But it’s so not like me to stay with uncertainty. I need to understand things, to solve problems so I can be at ease. But this problem seems more complex than I ever anticipated and I don’t know how to proceed anymore.

“I-I don’t know. He seems more than just a bad boy, you know?” I tell Sam and she frowns, clearly confused. “It’s just that… okay, yes he uses violence and that is not the way but today… today I saw him hitting a tall guy because he was bullying a girl. He said some nasty things and Zeke stood up for her. The poor girl was so frightened and it seemed like that was something recurrent for her, to get bullied, you know?”

“So…?”

“So… I dunno, he didn’t just hit the tall guy for the sake of hitting him you know? Even if he broke the guy’s nose—”

“He broke the guy’s nose? Oh my God, Allie! Did you call the headmaster?”

“I uh… no, I was kinda scared so I ran when Zeke caught me staring.”

“Allie, he’s caught you staring a few times already and you say you think you got in his bad side. Don’t you think it’s better to stay away?”

“I know but… it just doesn’t make sense. Why would he stand up for that girl if he is just a bad guy?”

“Because it was a chance to get in a fight? Like a perfect excuse, you know?” Sam suggests and I don’t like that idea. Not a single bit.

Then I remember him helping the homeless people. Why would he do that if he only looks for a fight? It makes no sense.

“I don’t think it’s just like that. There has to be more than just looking for a fight. I think he’s not just a bad guy, there’s something else.”

“Either way, Allie, I don’t think it’s a good idea to get close to him or just get caught in all this drama. It’s better if you forget about it and step aside. Zeke doesn’t have friends and it must be for a reason. I don’t think he would like that you spend so much time watching him.”

“I know but I… I’m curious and I want to understand but he’s so… scary.”

“Allie, do you need to understand? Is that so important?” Sam asks me and I look away.

It’s not imperative that I understand but I want to. This whole deal is just nagging me and I want to put an ending to all this, but if I don’t get to understand him then I’ll never be at ease. Not completely.

I know it would be better if I just step aside and ignore all this, but that’s not in my nature. My nature is to be curious, to solve problems. The difference now is that I’m not dealing with physic laws or biology or chemistry; I’m dealing with human beings and that’s out of my area of expertise. Maybe I should read some theory but I honestly don’t know anything about Zeke. All the theory couldn’t help me if I don’t get to ask him questions, if I don’t get to study him properly.

“I don’t have to… but I want to,” I confess and I actually hear Sam sighing so I look at her again.

I can tell she’s worried and scared for me. I’m scared too because I’m being stubborn when I shouldn’t. I’m stepping into something that it’s not of my business just because I’m curious.

“Allie… at least be careful. Don’t get close to him or something. I mean, if you’re gonna watch him, do it from afar. Don’t let him catch you staring again.”

“Okay,” I say and I mean it. I really hope he won’t catch me staring again so he’ll get pissed at me and decide he doesn’t care about me being a girl and will put me in ‘my place.’ “I’ll be careful.”

“That’s all I’m asking for,” Sam smiles and I do the same.

“And look, if in a week I don’t get to find out anything or understand him a little bit, I’ll give up and find a new problem to focus on. How does that sound?” I propose and as I say it I realise it works for me. To put a limit, to set boundaries so I can work.

“That sounds good. That’s better.”

I smile at her, a bit more at ease by now. “Deal then.”

So after that we put the topic aside, eat and carry on… until I remember I have English Literature now. Crap.

-:-:-

Yay! you got the 200 votes. Thank you for that! Next update on Sunday.

Bel, xx