The alarm goes off and I wake up with a scream, the loudest scream I've ever made and I feel like I'm falling. But then I see light around me and I blink, realising it's not a pit of blackness and that I'm something again, I'm breathing. I can feel my heart beating again, so hard against my ribs. I can feel the cold sweat on my skin and my hands trembling, holding on to the cover as I breathe heavily. I look at my right and I see the digital clock on my nightstand, still screaming like a siren, telling me to wake up.

Fifth of October.

It was a dream. I nightmare. I didn't die. The accident didn't happen, the lab didn't catch in flames, the acids didn't eat my skin. I'm alive. Oh God, I'm alive!

I look up at my ceiling and let go a heavy sigh. "Thank goodness it was just a nightmare," I mumble.

I'm still trembling. I've had other vivid dreams but never one like this. This one hurt, I actually felt the physical pain, I felt my skin melting and the flames eating me alive. I felt the pressure of the furniture on top of me. I felt my body being stabbed and the blood leaving me, creating a pond under my weight. I felt all that. You're not supposed to feel physical pain when you're dreaming.

And if it was a premonition? Like in the movies?

I blink quickly and fight to even my breathing. Whatever it was, I'm alive now. But just to make sure, I pinch myself in the arm and it hurts... like it hurt in the dream.

I'm alive. Thank goodness I'm alive.

I don't know what that was, whether a nightmare or a premonition, I just know it scared the living days out of me and I hope it never happens.

I reach out to turn off my alarm and in the silence of my bedroom I can hear my breathing and heartbeats. I'm still shaking and the flashbacks of that dream play before my eyes, scaring me. It was just like any other day. Like a 23rd of April would be. My life could actually end like that, in just a couple of minutes, with no one to miss me or remember me. My life could end up today like in my dream and I would be nothing. I've accomplished nothing. I've postponed everything for later, but what if later never comes? I have so many dreams but I don't have my future bought. I could die today. I could get in a car accident. I could suffer a stroke. A cerebrovascular accident. I could get caught in a robbery and get shot. No one can say I'll have tomorrow.

Whatever that was, a nightmare or a premonition, it has hit me hard with the realisation that my life is nothing. I know I have many projects, but I have to live the today now, too. I'm alive and that's important, right? All my seventeen years I took that for granted. I was sure I was going to have the time to do all the things I wanted. Now I'm not sure. Now I know that every day is a gift that I didn't appreciate before.

How many times I've turned down an opportunity because I'm saving myself for the future? I don't have to wait to be someone, I can be someone today. I don't want to die as no one. If I die today I want people to remember me. I want to leave a print in this world and I can't wait years for that.

Small steps now, something at all, as I keep fighting for my dreams. I don't have to give up on those, but I don't have to give up on the now either. I can do both, can't I?

Thank God I had that dream! I can't believe I've been like this for so long. I can't believe I've wasted my years like this, being just a shadow. I have to do something. If I die on the 23rd of April, I don't want to die as nothing. I want to die as someone.

I push the cover to my feet and jump off my bed, running downstairs where I know my parents are having breakfast. I don't want to die feeling like I don't matter to my parents. I want to feel their love and I want them to know I love them. I want to know what it feels to hug your mother and feel safe. I want that.

As I run downstairs I make a decision: I'll live my life as if today was the last day. I'll live. I'll be someone.

I storm into the kitchen, startling my parents. Dad almost drops his mug with strong coffee and I laugh when I see them. They don't have their lives bought either. I could lose any of them today and I haven't told them I love them.

I run to my mother and before she can say something, I wrap my arms tightly around her waist, burying my face in the crock of her neck. I'm like five centimetres taller than her. We look very alike, I got the blue eyes and blond hair from her, although she has soft curls that she keeps tamed in a tight bum at the back of her neck, I have straight hair like my father.

Mother stumbles back, tense and confused, but I don't let her go.

"A-Allison, are you okay? What is happening?" she asks and I hug her tighter.

"I love you," I say and I feel her freezing in my arms before, timidly and a bit reluctantly, her arms wrap around me. "I know I don't say it much, but I do, Mum, I love you." I feel her arms holding me more tightly and I honestly can't remember when the last time Mum held me like this was. Maybe when I was a little kid. I know it hasn't happened in years and it feels good. And it was so easy to do.

"I-I love you, too, Allison, but are you okay?" she asks me and I look up to meet her blue eyes, just like mine. Hers shine with so much confusion and surprise.

"Yes, I'm wonderful!" I reply feeling bubbly inside, like I have so much energy I can't contain it. "I just realised life is precious and I don't tell you enough how much you mean to me."

She blinks with surprised still in her eyes and I know she's confused. She doesn't know what else to say. She's not used to express affection and I'm sure she doesn't know what to do when someone shows affection to her, when someone tells her that she is loved.

"Mum, I'm all right," I tell her because I know she's worried. "I'm not high or anything, if that's what you're wondering."

"You better not, Allison," my father speaks. "You know how harmful those things are."

I turn around, leaving my mother's arms to look at my father and I smile at him. He also has a concerned expression and he looks like he's about to call an ambulance or something. I understand how sudden and strange this is for them. I never behave like this. I'm as cold and taciturn as them, but I've seen something that scared me so much that I'm willing to do anything to stop that from happening. If it was a premonition, then I'm changing my future. I won't die as nothing.

I hurry to my dad and grab his mug, put it aside and then hug him tightly. As he is sitting on the stool I'm taller than him and he's so surprised that I almost make him fall to the floor, but he regains his balance. Just like my mother, he doesn't hug me back at first.

"I love you, Dad. And no, I won't try drugs. I know they are harmful, I don't need them. I'm just happy that I have you and Mum," I tell him and I feel his hesitation before he clumsily wraps his arms around me.

"Are you sure you're okay, Allison? If something is happening you can tell us," he says and I laugh humourlessly.

How sad is it that my parents get worried when I say I love them? Why didn't I notice this before? Why did I have to have a dream to realise how I was wasting my life? Honestly, that's heart-breaking and it hurts so much that I hug him even tighter. I don't know if my dad ever hugged me or if he has told me he loves me. Not even when I was a baby. Did he ever hold me like I was the most precious thing he's seen? Like those other fathers do? Or was I just a baby for him, someone with half of his DNA?

"Do you love me, Dad?" I ask pulling back just a tiny bit to look him in the eyes.

He blinks surprised and confused and I see the struggle in his expression. Has he ever said I love you to someone? Even Mum? I don't know if they got married because they loved each other or because of a social experiment.

I used to watch the Big Bang Theory, but Dad said it was a mock for every scientist and no one who would respect oneself would watch it. Sometimes I think that my parents are like Leonard's parents. They have never told me if they dated, if Dad did lovely things for Mum, if he courted her or something. I've never known if they love each other. I always assumed that because parents love each other, right? Otherwise they wouldn't be together. But then my parents are not normal parents.

"I-I do," he replies but he doesn't sound certain.

"Dad, say it, please," I tell him and something in my face must show him I need to hear it.

"I love you, Allison. You're my daughter. Even if you're acting so strange right now," he says and I smile widely.

Even if I made him say it he wouldn't lie. Dad doesn't lie. He says lie are not necessary, the truth is always all what matters, even if it hurts. He's always practical, never sentimental. So he wouldn't lie to me because I asked him to tell me he loves me. He might not say it because it's not relevant for him, but he doesn't lie. He loves me.

I hug him tighter and enjoy the moment. I know I don't tell them I love them and they don't say it back, but that can change. I can't change the past, but the present is just being written so I can do something about it.

Once I learnt that the future tense doesn't exist, at least in English, other languages do have future tense. The modal verb will is just an auxiliary to show the highest degree of certainty in a prediction. So it's the same in life. Future doesn't exist, it's just a probability that it will happen. More likely than might, or may. I can't say that I will have a tomorrow because I don't know that. I might have a tomorrow and because of that I have to live now because I'm certain that I'm alive now.

I step back and I know both my parents are looking at me with concern in their eyes so I smile brightly at them.

"Are you sure you're okay? You are still in your pyjamas, Allison," Mum says and I nod, still smiling.

"I just had an important dream," I tell them and I hear my father snort.

"Dreams are just waves from your subconscious, Allison, you know they mean nothing," Dad explains as if I didn't know already.

"I know, but that nonsense made me think of important things, like how I love you but I never say that. How I take you all for granted. You are my parents and it's not a crime to say how much I love you, is it?" none of them can argue that so I smile victorious. "I love you and I'll run to dress now because I have classes and I'm excited for today!"

"An exam?" Mum ventures and I chuckle.

"No, just life, Mum. There are so many possibilities. I just want to live," I say leaving her utterly confused but I don't explain further. I just kiss my Dad on the cheek, then Mum's cheek and I run to my room.

"Why is she being cryptic? That's not like her usual self," I hear my parents muttering at my back but I don't care. I'm just happy I'm alive. And it's time to start living.

-:-:-

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Bel, xx

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