"I wander aimlessly amidst the ruins of my life,
My old self a stranger to me.
Because of your love I have broken with my past.
My longing for you keeps me in this moment."
                                                                                                      -Rumi
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I jerk upright, sweat rolling off my forehead. My breath comes in gasps. I place my hand on my racing heart, taking in a long breath and slowly releasing it.

Eliza lies peacefully on her side. Wind streams in from the open window helping me to calm down. I take deep breaths and wipe the sweat off my forehead. A few minutes pass and my breaths become even. Another one of those nightmares which have been haunting me ever since Numair.

This time it was unending darkness, accompanied by a feeling of utmost despair , a feeling of hopelessness so deep that it shook me. Simply darkness, the way my life has been since him. In spite of the things he's done I don't understand why my heart still longs for him.

I swing my legs off the bed, shoving my blanket away. I quietly slip my feet into my slippers and head out. The soft light of the night lamp seeping in from my parents room illuminates the corridor. With padded feet I cross the corridor not wanting to disturb my family. Sliding open the French windows in the drawing room, I enter the lawn. On second thought I remove my flip flops, relishing the feel of the grass tickling my bare feet.

The smell of jasmine scents the air. Mama had them planted as she loved their smell. I had begin to associate that smell with my mom, my home. I take another breath inhaling the pleasant fragrance. I walk towards the pool, watching the gentle ripples caused by the wind. The moon plays hide and seek with the clouds peeking out at me.

My thoughts wander back to our first anniversary. His parents had thrown a party on the occasion despite our protests. I'd woken up to the smell of muffins being baked, a note on the bedside table read 'Get dressed, Princess! Breakfast is on it's way.'

When I'd gone to the kitchen to hug him he'd barred me from entering. 'You are not allowed in here.' I smile and attack him enveloping my small hands around his huge frame. His hands easily hold me.

'I'm so lucky to have you in my life. Thank you for every little thing you do to make me smile. I love love love you.'  A small gesture and I'm happy beyond words.

'Happy anniversary princess, the day has only begun.' He replies, smiling at my excitement. 'I need to get back in there if we are going to have breakfast anytime soon. While I am at it why don't you go check your wardrobe?'

I look up at him questioningly but he beckons me to our room and goes back to the kitchen. Curiously I open my wardrobe.

I find two boxes, one wrapped in a bright red gift wrap and the other in blue. Our favorite colors. I grab the blue one first, opening it.

An elegant black gown unfolds from within, a note slips to the ground 'For the party tonight' . He'd always said black was the color for me, it contrasts my pale skin and complements it.

The other box is comparatively smaller and judging by the shape and size of it I am pretty sure I know what it is. I peek inside and blush, black again. I leave it inside the wardrobe.

I hop in for a quick shower and get dressed quickly. When I enter, the dining table is laid out. Our miniature two seater has been converted into a romantic dinner table. Petals are strewn across its surface. The curtains are pulled to block as much sunlight as possible, making the room dark so that the glow of the candles sparkles the room. Two places have been set. A bowl of steaming hot pasta dominates the center, a tiny jug holds my favorite watermelon and almond shake, the muffins occupy a corner, a bowl of freshly cut fruits on another.

'Since we are invited for dinner, I thought breakfast would be fine.' I finally look up to him standing behind my seat observing me.

'You didn't have to do all this, Numair! It's lovely, I must admit you are spoiling me.'

'It makes me happy to make you happy. Shall we?' He pulls out my chair with a flourish.

'Oh Numair, what would I do without you.' I whisper as I slip into my seat.

One happy year of marital bliss. That is all I got. And then things began to fall apart.

'Couldn't sleep?' Dad's voice breaks into my thoughts.

'No, I.....'

'Nightmare again?' His voice is laced with concern.

I nod.'Do you want to talk about it?'

'No, I'm fine. I wanted the fresh air so I came out here.' The worry doesn't leave his eyes. Sometimes it's as if he's been more affected than me.

'Don't worry so much about me. Worrying isn't good for your health. I'm happy. It's good to live with you guys again.' I make a weak attempt to convince him.

'Zara, hiding your emotions, feelings and thoughts from us doesn't mean we don't know them. We are your parents and I can see through every false shield that you've put up between yourself and the world. It's one and a half year now, isn't it high time you move on?'

'One year two months six days.' I whisper.

'This is what I mean you can't keep hanging on to the past. You still live in the past. In those memories of Numair and you. The past is best left in the past, Zara. There is no changing it. Please don't let it ruin your future. Live for what the present has to offer you not what the past has taken away from you.'

'How do I simply forget him? What do I do?'

Dad sits on the chair beside the pool, his warm brown eyes, replicas of mine penetrate into me.

'No one is asking you to forget. Only to move forward. You are young, just twenty three, you can join your old job you have a reputation there, they will warmly welcome you back.'

'No, dad. I cannot handle all those people. Think about the questions they will ask, the pitying looks thrown my way, nosy people digging up into our personal life. I can't face them.' I seat myself opposite to him, folding my hands over the table.

A beetle lands a centimeter away from my hands, scurrying away when I move them.

'Then maybe another hospital. I don't even care if you don't work. I want you to go outside. Meet people. Call up your old friends and talk to them, hang out with them. Go somewhere, anywhere. You've imprisoned yourself in this house.'

'I go to the library.'

'Across the road.' He exhales in exasperation.'You very well know what I mean. I want you to socialize. Talk. You loved being outdoors and now...' He trails off.

'People change.'

'Change is nice but only when it is for the better. This isn't change, this is destruction.'

He stays silent for sometime to let his words sink in.

Am I destroying myself ? Do I really look that bad from the outside? It's true, I've become quieter resigned myself to my thoughts and like dad says memories of him.

'You have a whole life in front of you. Who knows you may find someone worthy of you once again. How is that going to happen if you don't meet anyone? I'm not asking to give up on his memories. He will always own a part of you which you needn't share with any other. No one can take that away from you.' Dad says softly.

'The world seems so distant. Sometimes I don't understand how the world still goes on, mine has tilted off its axis.' I whisper into the night.

'Time heals all wounds. Time has passed but you are unwilling to let go of it. Every day you remind yourself of your loss instead of being grateful for the things which you have. You can't change what has happened but using your past as the foundation you can build yourself a stronger future.'

'I'm spent, I don't have any more strength left in me. Small tasks look monumental to me.'

'Yes, you are strong. If you set your mind to it there is nothing that can stop you. Courage isn't built in, courage is overcoming your fears. Not letting them push you down. Finding the strength to stand on your own feet once you are knocked down. That is courage. Aren't you making it through each day?'

'I guess I am....' I'm not sure I have the kind of courage dad is talking about. I'm knocked down and I haven't gotten up yet. I'm still trying to. Dad has believed in me when I haven't believed in myself. He knows me better than I know myself so I hope to find that courage that he sees in me.

'Remember, life is a long journey and it is more fun when travelled with a companion. A lonely existence isn't satisfying.'

He glances down at his phone. 'Come on, let's go inside. I'm feeling cold.'

The darkness of the night has faded into a purplish hue. The drone of the beetles has faded into the night. The occasional chirrup of the early bird accentuates the air. It will be dawn soon. Beginning of another day.

I walk behind dad observing his salt and pepper hair. The way he now walks with a slight effort. Age making its toll on him. I hate making him worry about me.

Dad slides shut the door behind me.'Goodnight, dear' he places a kiss on my head, 'Night, dad.'

***

Sunday morning, I'm up early. A glance at the rumpled sheets on Eliza's side shows she is already out of bed. After a quick shower I grab the Agatha Christie, Murder on The Orient Express, I'd brought home from the library. Hoping to read a few chapters before breakfast I head into the drawing room to read.

I walk into a war zone. So much for silence.

'Where is my chocolate stash?' Ziyan is glaring at Eliza who is standing behind the sofa using it as a shield between herself and Ziyan, in case he attacks.

I settle myself on the couch adjusting the cushions and relaxing, waiting for the drama to unfold before me. My book lays on the side table forgotten for the moment.

This is going to be interesting. There was a time when I'd pick sides but now I'm content to watch from the sidelines.

'Your stash, your problem!' Shrugs Eliza indifferently.

'I know it's you who stole it, hand it over right now or else...' he leaves the threat hanging.

'Any proof?' I can see the smile she's trying to contain.

She is absolutely enjoying herself. Ziyan takes a step which makes her shrink farther away. He circles around the sofa Eliza following suite. They seem like animals circling each other, sizing the other up.

'Yup, you're  the only thief we are harbouring in this house.'

'That isn't proof.' Dramatically Eliza rolls her eyes, she moves inconspicuously away from the sofa. Ziyan exhales in exasperation leaning his hands on the back of the sofa.

'Eliza!' He threatens again.

It doesn't threaten her at all rather she settles down beside me pulling a cushion onto her lap.

'Fine, don't say. I'm going to ransack your whole room. I'll find it myself.'

'Hey' I yell, 'You're not messing any of my stuff up.'

He stomps out angrily towards our room. Eliza has a devilish grin on her face which means she hasn't hidden it in our room.

'Give up. It's in a place you'd never look for Ziyan.'  She calls out after ten minutes.

Shortly he returns, 'WHERE IS IT?' My sister only smiles innocently up at him.

This further riles him.

'I'M TELLING YOU.....'

'It would be a miracle to catch a wink of sleep in this house with the ruckus you both make.' Dad comes in, disturbed from his sleep.

'Get over with it. Tell him where is it Eliza.' Ziyan sticks his tongue at Eliza from behind dad.

My dismayed sister's voice is low, defeated as she says,'Last drawer on the right.'

'I checked.'

'Your room not mine.' She says, the duh evident in her tone.'Beneath you CD's.'

'What!' The ingenuity of my sister makes me smile. Of course Ziyan would ransack our room confident that Eliza had taken it from him. But he wouldn't check his own room! After his search she would shift them back to our room when he wasn't there.

She smiles at me satisfied with her devious job,  'Smart' I say.

***

A/N : Hola amigos,
Hope the story is moving at a good pace!
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