If every time you were picked
And thought you would be loved
Only to be left,
Would you not develop thorns too?
- roses
-Petra Amoaka

_____________________________________________________________

I have a fitful night. Mama's question lingers on my mind. As I think back further dad's words too come to the surface. I toss and turn all night wondering where this is going to take me. On some level I agree with them.

Maaz does care about me. These past months have been a proof of that. Where I had rejected social interactions with everyone else, Maaz was a different story. I couldn't say no to him. And he never gave up, unlike the others. Something pulled me towards him. Maybe it was those magnetic blue eyes that seemed to penetrate into my soul and whispered promises of a place far away from this pain.

I saw him as my friend, and at this point perhaps he was the only friend I had. The idea that he thinks there would be more between us frightens me. I stomp it away, trying to hold onto sanity before I lose it, going down that line of thought.

I don't know when my disturbed thoughts loosen their clutch on me and I fall asleep. It is late when I wake up. After a rushed breakfast I hurry to the library.

'Are you okay?' Liam's concerned, green eyes inspect me as I place my bag on the counter.

I glance at my disheveled appearance on the monitor of the desktop, my hair hasn't been combed properly and traces of sleep have not left my eyes. My shirt is slightly wrinkled in my haste to iron it.

'Yeah I am. I was running late today.'

'Is your dad doing okay?' He inquires.

'Yeah, he is alright. He went in for a check up last week. The reports are fine.'

I bid Liam goodbye in the afternoon. The sun glares at me as I step outside. I have to use my hands to shield my eyes. It takes me a minute to adjust to the brightness and then notice the stark black cooper parked in front.

He gives me a cursory glance. I freeze momentarily. The sun beats down on us and I begin to sweat. Heat plus nervousness is not a good combination.

I have not met him for some time now, almost two weeks. Ever since dad talked to me about him, I feel a sense of awkwardness to talk to him. I had been quite successful in my job to avoid him, until today.

'You are ignoring me.' He states simply without preamble.

'No, why would I?' I lie. His stares at me for a long minute and then, 'Are you hungry?'

Before I can make an excuse to turn away from him, he unlocks the car and opens the door indicating for me to get in.

'I'm famished. Please don't make me wait.' He says. His voice is calm, controlled. The calm that withholds a storm. I silently slide into the car unable to refuse.

After a quick bite at Subway he asks, 'Where do you want to go next?'

We are seated inside his car, I glance at him from the corner of my eye. He is stiff, like he is holding back from something. He often confused me, sometimes he was this quirky, carefree person other times he would be equally withdrawn and quiet.

'Maaz.' I say.

'Yes ?'

I realize I was simply testing the sound of his name from me. It had been so long since I'd last used his name. I try to come up quickly with something.

'Is everything okay between us ?' I ask the question foremost on my mind.

'Is there anything between us?' He asks equally serious. His tone is again controlled, as if he is restraining from saying more. I detect a hint of hurt in his voice. I don't know how I'd begun to understand him that well.

Silence hangs between us, heavy with the weight of our words. My heart beats faster, my fingers sweat as thoughts break free in my mind. A jumble of words that I have heard from my parents, moments with him, those rare smiles that he brings out and the hope he gives me.

He breaks the silence and his voice is vulnerable, soft, a whisper in the quiet car, 'Do you hear anything in the silence between us?'

The pounding in my ears is the only thing I hear.

I take a deep breath before choosing to respond to his earlier question, 'I would love to visit Smile, I want to see the kids. If you don't have anything else in mind.' I say just as softly.

He does not say a word, he revs the engine and turns the car around in the direction of Smile. I somehow cannot let go of the feeling that I have hurt him.

We reach Smile shortly, the silence in the car presses down on me, and I get out as soon as the car stops. I walk ahead, more bold and confident than the last time. I'm almost eager.

Aylin smiles at me and indicates the hallway leading to the main hall. I walk to the recreational hall where the kids usually watch television or play.

They smile at me as I walk in. They are seated in front of the television watching Hotel Transylvania. Kate is glued to the screen, I can already imagine her wearing a pair of thick glasses. I spot a few kids I haven't met before.

Aylin beside me informs me, 'That boy, with the red shirt, is Sam. He turned nine last week. His parents spilt. The father doesn't want to do anything with him and his mother couldn't afford to bring him up.'

Tom is seated at the other end of the hall with a glob of clay in his hands. Another girl, maybe twelve years old, guides him.

'That is Raven. She has been here for six months now.'

I nod in response. 'We also got a few babies. One of them was only a few weeks old when we found him. He was born out of wedlock and the mother couldn't keep him. There was only a note attached. We could not trace the parents.' Aylin says.

'Where is Lisa ?' I inquire, unable to spot her petite frame in the hall.

'I think she is sleeping. She sleeps most of the time. She took it hard I think. You leaving, I mean. She stays quiet and sleeps most of the time. Nothing I say works. Maybe you could help.'

I mull over this strange information. Lisa was always quiet but she used to be a part of the activities. The younger kids usually took solace in her quiet, calm demeanor. She used to be a regular part of the nursery and helped Sophi take care of the babies.

Aylin leaves me heading over to the kids. I walk to Maaz who is kneeling beside Tom, a piece of clay in his hand which is he moulding.

'Hey, Tom.' I greet him. He grins at me.

'Why are you not watching the movie?' I ask him.

'It's too scary for me !' He responds making me laugh.

'Hello Raven, you have a pretty name.' She looks at me in question. 'I'm Zara.' I say holding out my hand. She gingerly shakes it.

'I'm going to check on Lisa.' I tell Maaz, he has now successfully moulded a rose out of clay. He presents it to Raven and she accepts it, smiling.

I find Lisa curled in bed, sleeping soundly. I approach her and gently touch her. She jerks upright, a soft yell escapes her and her eyes open wide in fear. I recoil at her response. She pushes herself to the bed frame and looks around, pulling the covers around herself.

I kneel down beside the bed, 'Lisa, honey, it's me.' I whisper.

Her eyes adjust and tears well up when she sees me. I pull her close to me, bewildered by her behavior. She shudders in my hands and I murmur softly to her.

I hold her for a long time, until she relaxes in my arms. I know how much it means to be held. The solace that you find being held in the arms of someone you love is like no other. It is not merely a physical hold, it is a mutual sharing of strength, love and support.

I don't question her, though my mind is at unease. Is it my fault that she has become like this ? Maybe I shouldn't have left her. But how could I have frequented the place that had memories of him? I was barely holding up myself, let alone handle another little life. She deserved someone happier.

A rough knock and Maaz appears, 'I was searching all over for you.' His voice is tinged with annoyance.

'I told you I'd be with her.' I reply, frustration creeping into my tone.

'I don't know this place like you do. I didn't know which room.' He retorts.

I can't help but contrast. Numair knew the place as well as I do. I had forgotten to factor in that Maaz didn't. Numair would have found me easily. We worked in sync, like two parts of the same body.

'I will be waiting outside.' He says curtly and leaves.

'Are you both having a fight?' Lisa is looking up at me, lashes still wet, frame her round eyes rimmed with red.

I sigh. 'No. Just a little...' I trail off.

I smile at her. 'It is nothing.'

She pulls herself together and I actually see her transform. She pulls back, a soft smile graces her lips, she wipes her eyes and hold herself straight.

'You have to leave.' She tells me. I marvel at how she took only a matter of minutes to regain composure.

'Do you want me to ?' I ask her.

'No, but he will probably get more angry with you.' She says making me laugh.

'He's not angry because I came here. He is the one who brought me.' I tell her. She looks at me puzzled.

I touch her forehead, 'Stop thinking, it is nothing. But I do have to go, it's getting late. I'll drop you at the dinner hall.'

'Okay.' She stands up from her bed. She tucks the sheet in, folds the cover, adjusts her pillow and then faces me.

I begin head to the exit and she slips her hand into mine. I hold firmly to her.

The dinner hall erupts with voices of a hundred hungry kids. Kate rushes over to us, 'Lisa ! Come let us sit together.' She bubbles.

Reluctantly Lisa slips her hand from me. 'I'll be back soon.' I whisper to her. Kate grips her hand and I watch as they bound off, together, to get food, Kate's infectious energy wiping off on Lisa.

I scan the hall for Maaz. I shudder at the idea of sitting in the car with him. I didn't know how to deal with closed off, frustrated Maaz. I locate him sitting with the toddlers at the other side. He holds a spoon in his hand and is feeding, I think, Jamie. I walk to them.

'Jamie ?' I ask. The boy turns to look at me. I smile, satisfied that I knew his name even though he must have forgotten me.

Maaz feeds him another spoon and then uses a napkin to wipe his mouth. 'Goodbye buddy.' He says, placing the empty bowl on the table. Jamie gives him a mismatched high five.

A pregnant silence hangs in the car on the way home. It is interrupted when my phone blares to life, in my lap. I look down at it in shock, I rarely get calls, hearing it ring is not a good sign. I see Ziyan's name and quickly receive the call.

'Where are you ?'

'I'm on my way home.' I tell him.

He pauses, 'Is Maaz with you?' I look at Maaz, he is staring ahead at the road, his face wiped clean of any expression.

'Bring him along.' Ziyan says when I don't respond.

'What's wrong ?' I ask the dreaded question.

'It is nothing...'

'Cut it out, tell me what happened?' I snap at him. An uneasy feeling comes over me, a premonition of things going out of hand. 'Where is dad?' I ask.

I'm only met with silence.

       ***

A/N : Hello beautiful !
Hope you had a wonderful time reading.
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