Heartbreak numbs everything
but pain
                                                                               -  Leo Christopher
______________________________________________________

Nurses mill past me, a doctor rushes away, someone pushes me in their haste and I stumble out of my daze.

The sterile smell of chlorine and bleach burns my nose. My eyes take in the surreal scene before me as if watching a movie. One specific scene playing on repeat in my head. Dad laying unconscious, rushed away on a stretcher paramedics swarming over him.

I slump down the wall, using it to support my weight. The doctor has taken mama away to his room saying he would like to discuss the matter with her.

Ziyan was at work, realizing I wasn't in a state to talk, the nurse had kindly placed the call from my phone to inform him. No one has informed Eliza yet.

I wind my fingers in the hair and pull my legs up to my chest. I lay my head on my knees still unable to process what is going on. There is only one coherent thought in my mind that keeps flashing up.

I can't lose him. I can't lose him. I can't lose him.

I had often wondered what if I had gotten one last chance with Numair. Wondered what if he had gotten a chance to be taken to a hospital. Would he have been saved ? Would he have talked to me ? Would the pain have become easier if I'd talked to him one last time ?

But now as I sit on the floor with my head in my hands, I can't possibly see how this can be any better. The waiting and the suspense, the constant dread of not with what is going to happen next.

'Zara !' Ziyan comes running to me. He lifts me up from the floor and pulls me in, hugging me. I stay limp in his hands.

'It's going to be okay. Don't worry.' He pushes my hair away from my face. 'I will go see mama, she may need me.' He says. He guides me to a chair and makes me sit on it.

'Maaz is here. Tell him if you need anything.' He says before going to find mom. I look up to see Maaz towering over me. It has been three days since I've seen him, the last was the incident in the kitchen.

I hurriedly attempt to wipe the tears on my face before he sees them. It seems like an intrusion of my privacy.

'Hey.' He says. I nod at him.

I stare at my hands not knowing what to do. He senses my discomfort. 'I'll be over there.' He points to a chair down the hall. He moves away giving me back my privacy.

I fidget with my fingers lacing together both hands and then un lacing them. It's going to be okay, I tell myself. Dad is tough he will make it through. I take a deep breath in and slowly exhale. I close my eyes and concentrate on breathing, slowly letting the sounds around me fade away.

I lose track of time as I wait. Mama emerges with Ziyan supporting her after a while. I quickly walk to them.

'How is he ? What did the doctor say ?'

'He is fine now. He collapsed because one of his minor arteries is blocked. The doctor said he seems to be under some intensive stress. They have scheduled an angiogram to get to the bottom of this.' Mama says.

'They said he will be fine as long as he eats, sleeps and exercises properly with no stress.' Ziyan adds reassuringly. He then walks over to Maaz to inform him as well.

I slump down relieved in my chair and mama sits beside me. 'You go home, I'll stay here. Eliza must be worried too. You can come back tomorrow.' I tell her.

Mama leaves an hour later with Ziyan. Maaz says he will stay behind with me. Soon a nurse comes to inform me that dad is awake.

I hesitatingly make my way to his room. My legs quiver as I see his weakened form lying in bed. A monitor is attached to him. Another tube supplies glucose to him intravenously. He smiles at me. Out of habit I approach the monitor making a mental note of the readings, assuring myself they are at a normal range. I sit beside him and talk to him for sometime until he falls asleep again.

I have dozed off on the chair near the bed when a faint knock stirs me. Maaz is peeping from the slightly opened door.

'Everything okay ?' He asks.

I nod sleepily at him. I get up and a yawn escapes me. 'I will be back. Can you please stay with him ?' I ask him.

I decide to take a walk down the corridor to stretch my legs. On the end of the hallway I find a vending machine. I take two coffees from it and head back to the room. At the door I hear voices from inside.

Dad must be awake again. As I'm about to push the door open I hear my name, curiosity gets the better of me. My parents barely talk in front of me, putting up a cheerful facade, thinking they are fooling me. I do see the pain that I cause them even if they don't speak of it in front of me.

I don't open the door, instead I hear Maaz say, 'But she is strong on her own.'

'Yes, that's the problem, my Zara is too strong.' Dad's voice is faint. 'She thinks she can stand anything, always ready to endure but that's not what I want for her.' I hear him shift.

He takes a deep breath before he continues, 'I want someone to love her, to soften the walls she has built.' I gasp. Love is such a foreign word to me now. 'I want her to be weak and when she is weak I want her to let someone be her strength. I want her to trust people. I want her to be happy.'

I retreat away from the door and sit down on the chair outside. The only people I have left of the world is my family. My parents have been with me through every step and still I have been so selfish that I have only looked at myself. I haven't thought about what my state has been doing to their health. By being unhappy I was taking away their happiness.

I cannot do that anymore. Maybe the least I can do is show them that I have moved on. I know it is impossible for me to, but, perhaps I can put up an act in front of them.

A shadow falls over me. Maaz sits beside me, 'He was awake. We talked for a while. He looks very tired, he fell asleep again.'

I nod absentmindedly. I show him the coffee cup in my hand, ' I'd brought you coffee. It's gone cold.' He plucks the cups from my hand and dumps them in the trash. He begins to walk away.

'Can you stay?' I whisper so quietly it's a surprise he hears me. I crave for the peace I had felt the other night in his presence.

Tonight he is quiet, lost in thoughts. Exhausted from the events of the day I fall asleep in spite of the uncomfortable hospital chair.

***

Dad is discharged three days later. He looks better than he had three days ago. The next day Addy, Maaz and Ira move back to their renovated house, after making sure dad is fine.

Dad decides that he will be working for lesser hours at the company. In the mornings, he starts going for cycling after his exercise. The words I had overheard at the hospital haunt me. I begin to accompany him on his morning rides, sometimes cycling down the beach or simply the road.

A month later Addy's home is completely renovated and furnished. They organize a house warming party which I decide to skip. I choose the recluse of my home.

Eliza comes home gushing about how elegant the house looked. She compliments the pick of furniture, some of which she had helped Ira pick.

Dad is quiet ever since he gets home. I wonder if he is feeling okay. He has been doing well the last month with no outwardly signs of distress. But you cannot judge what lies beneath by judging the surface. Sometimes I catch him lost in thought and when I inquire he simply smiles at me and says it's nothing.

A few days later I come to know. We are all seated in the drawing room for a family meeting apparently, as Ziyan put it. I am lying with my legs across the armrest of the couch with the rest of my family spread around minus Eliza, who isn't home.

'So what do you think about  Maaz?' Ziyan begins smiling cheekily at me.

I give him a confused look and he earns a glare from both my parents. Score.

'Why would I think about him?' I shoot back.

'Ziyan please, we are here to talk.' My mom, ever the peacemaker interrupts.

'Maaz, he is interested in you.' Begins my dad, getting straight to the point.

'What...' I say jerking upright.

'Hear me out, first. I have a feeling he likes you and I think he is a great guy. It's time you move on.'

'What's that supposed to mean?' I ask.

'Remember what I told you that night ? You can't forever hang on to the past. Look at yourself, you rarely smile, hardly talk. This isn't my daughter.' Says my father.

'And...and you think a relationship is the solution?' Can't he see what one has already made out of me.

'It isn't necessary that I have a boy in my life to be happy. I'm happy with my current life.' I declare firmly.

To this I earn a snort from Ziyan. Dad glares at him and he quickly disguises it into a cough.

'It's just a proposal. Give it a thought. Don't reject it without thinking it over.' Says mama.

'You have been hanging out with him. You may have gotten to know him better in these few months.' Dad adds.

'Yeah, but not that often. Barely once every week.' I respond.

'Zara, you hadn't stepped out of the house in a year. Had it not been for him you probably would still be stuck to home. Even once a week is quite often when it's you.'

'Unlike Eliza.' Mutters Ziyan, shaking his head up and down in agreement.

'I see the way he behaves around you, perhaps he is interested in more than just a relationship. Something more lasting and permanent. Give him a chance. Take as much time as you want but think about it. Please.' My dad pleads with me. I can see my unhappiness reflected in his eyes.

'Okay. I will think about it.' I reply, merely to appease him. My dad heaves a sigh of relief and leaves.

'You knew about this!' I half scream as soon as he leaves, 'How could you mama ? Did you really think this was going to work out? You know very well I will never agree to it. Why didn't you just stop him? Why did you let him get his hopes high? Only for me to crush them ?'

'Zara, I understand it's a surprise for you, but I agree with your dad. It's time you move on. A new start is what you need. We have given you so much time but you have not improved at all. Maybe he can do it.'

'Surprise? It's a shock.' I say and stomp out angrily from the room.

The sound of a knock brings me to the surface of consciousness. I snuggle deeper into the blanket and ignore it.

'Go away.' I mumble sleepily.

I skip dinner preferring to simmer in my room rather than face my family.

Just as I'm on the verge of sleep I hear my door open, thinking its Eliza I shut my eyes and pretend to sleep.

Mama removes the cover from my face and I peak at her.

'Zara.'

'I don't want to talk about it.' I mutter and turn way from her, pulling the cover back on my face.

'You can't forever keep running from your problems. Someday you will have to sit up and face them head on. Rather than let them push you down you need to tackle them.'

'The theory sounds great mom, but..' I say, my voice thick with sarcasm. She holds up a hand, stopping me.

'Here is a boy who is genuinely interested. What is wrong in giving him a chance ?'

'First off it doesn't make sense, why he should he be. Does he even know me ?'

'Does any other guy know you more than he does ?' She answers with another question.

I stare at her blankly. 'So what if he knows me.'

She laughs, 'That's the thing, he's still here after knowing how stubbornly annoying you can be.'

I don't find it funny. I sit up on the bed and bundle the blanket around me, pulling at the threads.

'Whether you admit it or not you like his company. Otherwise you wouldn't have budged from this house. There must be something in him that has made you come out of your hermitage, which no one else could do in a year. You are...' She struggles to come up with words apt enough to define me.

'As stubborn as a mule is the expression you are looking for.' I chirp in. 'Can I go back to sleep now?' I say, irritated by the truth in her words.

'Zara ! Stop behaving like a toddler.' My mother's voice is firm.

The humorless smile falls from my face. I sober up, letting her continue.

'You know him well, you know he doesn't do anything without thinking it through.' She is talking about dad. 'He must have pondered about it a thousand times over before putting it in front of you. Your father loves you more than any person  in this world. You are his smile, his happiness and his love. What can you do for his happiness ?'

And with that she gets up and leaves the room, after creating a turmoil in my head. What can I do for his happiness ? One question that makes me feel utterly selfish and inadequate as a daughter.

***

Hey guys !
This was a longer update, hope it met your expectations.
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