Lost Eden

By Bluelovesleep

No need to mention that English is your second language. I couldn't tell. You write English better than most of my undergraduate students. I have so much respect for ESL authors. A lot of times, ESL stories are beautifully written. I just think your disclaimer is unnecessary because you write as well as native speakers.

I did notice some issues with your prose (especially with passive voice) but I made all these mistakes when I was first writing fiction. I still do sometimes. I wanted to share some tips for prose, but don't let me write your story for you. These are just some guidelines for prose that most writers don't know when they first start out, whether or not they are native English speakers. You don't have to follow these rules, but it's good to know about them so that you know when it's appropriate to break them.

Watch out for repetitive words. Watch out for repetitive verbs in particular: "Strong pounds hammered on my chest. They were strong, and I placed my hand over the area to calm it down" (from chapter 1).

Filter words like "I felt" could be omitted without changing the meaning of a sentence: "I felt my face light up at the mention of the desert" vs. "My face lit up at the mention..." Here is another example from the same chapter:: "As if on cue, I felt a droplet of rain fall on my nose" vs. "A droplet of rain fell on my nose." Filter words separate the reader from the character. You don't have to omit them all the time, but it's just good to be aware of them.

Most -ly adverbs can be omitted without changing the sentence: "I immediately took her spot on her task..." vs. "I took her spot on her task..." The reader knows that Krista did so immediately...because she did. Instances of -ly adverbs that tell the reader things that are obvious from the sentence alone can almost always be omitted.

-Ly adverbs can almost always be omitted from dialogue tags. Many writing "gurus" advise that you never use -ly adverbs in dialogue tags. That doesn't mean you have to avoid them at all costs, but I do think you could've used them a little less.

Action beats in dialogue and dialogue mechanics. When a character completes an action, the sentence stands alone. Also, almost all dialogue tags can either be replaced with "said" because "said" is unobtrusive OR they can be replaced with an action beat. Take this for example: "You already do a lot around the house," I muttered, staring at her. Vs. "You already do a lot around the house." I stared at her. Millie had her eyes closed..."

David King argues that good dialogue never mixes an action beat with a dialogue tag. For example: "Yes," I grumbled, scratching at the mustard stain on my shirt. "I did have hot dogs for lunch." vs. "Yes." I scratched at the mustard stain on my shirt. "I did have hot dogs for lunch." King insists that good dialogue tags are either "said" (I said, he said, she said, they said) or an action beat that stands alone as a complete sentence with periods on each side: "I did have hot dogs for lunch." I scratched at the mustard stain on my shirt.

This is a strict, prescriptive rule and you don't have to follow it all the time. But I did find your dialogue tags a little distracting. And your action beats were almost always book-ended with commas rather than periods. You can, however, use beats as apart of the dialogue and that's when you use commas rather than periods: She stared at me a moment, then said, "I'll kill him, I swear," and was gone before I could tell her to kill him quietly" (Browne & King, 2004, p. 147). Most of the time, your dialogue was incorrectly punctuated. And you almost always used an obtrusive dialogue tag or action beat. Consider implementing some traditional dialogue mechanics. It'll make your dialogue a lot cleaner and a lot more professional. Take a look at this one example. I'm going to apply some traditional mechanics to it. See if you like the edited version better.

What you wrote: "You slept well?" I questioned, as I attentively watched as she took her time to taste the soup."

Edits based on David King's rules for dialogue:

"You slept well?" I asked.

She took her time to taste the soup. "Not as bland as the one Michael's wife made."

I noticed that you repeat character's names a lot. Sometimes you'll use their nicknames, then you'll switch to their full names. In chapter three, you refer to Millicent and Millie several times throughout and it seems random which version of her name you use every time. Once is usually enough. If Krista calls her Millie, then keep it consistent throughout. And once you mention a character's name, you only need to mention it again when you're showing the reader who is speaking or doing what when. Otherwise, there's no need to call characters by their names every single time. You can switch to pronouns until another character interjects.

You start a lot of sentences with prepositions. You also use quite a lot of prepositions in your sentences. Sometimes it's better to just focus on the nouns and the verbs. Prepositions can make prose muddy, especially if you are consistently using "as/then" sentence structures and if you are starting lots of sentences with prepositional phrases. Sometimes prepositional sentences are appropriate in prose, especially if it reflects the way a character speaks or thinks. But usually it's best to see if you can avoid it first.

Passive voice: you use too much of it, especially in your fight scenes. Fight scenes work best in the active voice. You can use passive voice sometimes, but I felt like you used it because you don't really know what it is. When passive voice is used intentionally in prose (see what I did there? That's passive voice) it works...sometimes. Maybe a character uses it in dialogue. Maybe a character uses passive voice because the story is limited to their perspective and they think about things in passive voice sometimes...I don't know. Usually active voice is the go-to for fiction. Especially fight scenes.

Weird personification: sometimes you separate a character's body part from them. You'll say "his back hit against the doorframe" rather than "Michael backed up against the doorframe." Or "her eyes looked" rather than "she looked." Think in nouns and verbs. If a body part is acting on its own, then you're using awkward personification. It's better to rearrange the sentence so that the character is initiating the action, not a part of their body.

Like I said, your English is great. I had to learn all of this when I started writing fiction, too. I'm from the American South so my English is probably worse than yours, actually.

I thought that tone was an issue sometimes. You try to pack too many things into your chapters. For example: Elena dies early in the story. The characters grieve. Then, all of a sudden their little brother is talking about how he wants to be a hunter. The kids are laughing about a childhood memory they share about their pet bunny. The tone changes so rapidly within just a few paragraphs. You really glossed over Elena's death and it didn't have much of an emotional impact on the reader or the characters. The same thing happens when Sophie dies. In one chapter alone, Alexis finds that Sophie is an immortal and has to kill her. That's heartbreaking. The entire chapter should've been about that scene. But the chapter moved on very quickly to another scene with Penelope. New location, new characters, new conflict. All within a few paragraphs. Alexis just takes care of Sophie, sheds a tear or two, and moves on. I thought that these scenes were worth chapters of their own. Take the time to show their emotions and their heartbreak. Don't milk it, I'm not asking for melodrama, but also these scenes read more like bullet points on an outline rather than the big dramatic moments they should've been. These are the big beats of your story. They deserve more time in the spotlight.

Sorry, these notes have been critiques for the most part but I'm only saying them because I genuinely really loved this story. I thought it was so cool! It's the end of the world. Immortals have taken over everything and the outside world is so dangerous. No one is safe. The world building is very unique and I love the dystopian kingdom you built. I really like that you switch between characters and the changing POV really works for this story. I like Alexis (although she was a bit of a Mary Sue...sorry, I just didn't think she changed much throughout the story, she was kind of the same at the beginning and the end and she had some outrageous plot armor). I really like Krista and how gentle she is. There were chapters that absolutely shocked me and kept me at the edge of my seat. I did think that the immortals could have been fleshed out more...I wasn't sure what they looked like, what they could do, or what made them unique from your stereotypical vampires and werewolves. But still, I loved everything about the storyline and the world you build. I thought it was robust, ambitious, and very, very cool. And while I spent a paragraph critiquing your emotional writing, I need to point out that the story does involve some brilliant emotional moments. I love the part when Sophie doesn't want to bathe because it would "get rid of the last hug Elena gave me" that line is gut wrenching. You are skilled at emotional writing (I am not, I struggle with this stuff). I just think you need to apply these skills to some of the bigger moments in the story (especially chapter eight when Sophie dies).

Here are some miscellaneous notes I took while I was reading:

I thought that Alexis' sense of smell was brought up too much. I think it's cool that she has heightened senses but you described her sense of smell to the point where it was an overkill.

I thought that it would be best to name the horses rather than referring to them by their breeds all the time. I'm a horse person. I grew up barrel racing. I don't ride anymore but I did for over a decade. I can tell you honestly, no one really refers to their horses by their breeds. We call them by their names. I think it would be sweet for Alexis to have a bit of a bond with her horse, too. It would humanize her a little more. Giving her horse a name would help with that.

I struggled to understand your fight scenes sometimes. They were a little too "this happened, and then this happened." Focus on the nouns and verbs. Use short, punchy sentences for actions. Long, rambling sentences when characters are experiencing things in a whirlwind. Like I keep saying, this isn't a rule you have to follow. Some people say "just use short sentences for action/fight scenes." I disagree. Both have a purpose, both can be effective. But focus on your nouns and verbs. Incorporate descriptions. Avoid "this happened, then this happened" structures. These are just a few tips for bringing your fight scenes to life.

Sometimes your descriptions were cliché. Watch out for descriptions your reader would've heard of before. A lot of writers recommend avoiding clichés in fiction at all costs. I try my best to avoid them the best I can. That doesn't mean you have to, but revisit your story and try to see if you can replace the clichés you used.

I spotted quite a few typos and tried to point them out as I read.

Supernatural and Buffy the Vampire Slayer would be great comps for this story if you ever want to mention comps in your blurb or promotional material.

I hope my notes were helpful and that this review wasn't too harsh. Really, I thought the story was fantastic. I just wanted to give you some ideas for the editing process when you return to rewrite. You're a very talented writer and I really looked forward to reading another chapter of Lost Eden when I woke up every morning (it was actually the first thing I did in the morning for the past few weeks). Thanks for applying for a review, and I wish you the best!

See you, space cowboy

Reference

Browne, R., & King, D. (2004). Self-Editing for Fiction Writers: How to edit yourself into print. Collins.