Sleep
by Harry2411

C

over: 5/5

Although at first glance I was a little confused about what exactly the cover tried to convey, I think it best suits the book.

Blurb: 3/5

The blurb is pretty small, considering half of it to be only author's note. You should explain the characters in such a way that we, readers, are intrigued by it. I didn't feel a spark of excitement for it but that's all that needs to be mended.

Chapter 1: 8/10

The first chapter was fine. I felt the description of the story to be inadequate and the emotions lag at small places. However, it was a fresh way and much original. I like the introduction.

Vocabulary/grammar: 4/10

The vocabulary is low and imperfect but I saw how you already wrote that it would fluctuate. I believe you know that your usage of punctuations and direct speeches is off. Most places, the problem was with:

•Spelling
•Tense error
•Punctuation error.

The spellings could be a typing mistake for which, I suggest you to proofread it thoroughly. Maybe more than once.

The tenses fluctuate a lot. It jumps from present to past in instances. Also, after "did", you are supposed to use the present form of the main verb.

"Did" is the past tense of "Do", hence the tense with "did" is already in the past tense. That's why, if you write the main verb (did is a be-verb or modal) in past tense, the sentence becomes irrational.

    Eg: Did you taught her? ✘
          Did you teach her? ✓

Please try to speak it out and ask yourself if what you just pronounced is even sounding good. Once you're able to differentiate between wether it sounds good or wether it sounds bad, I'm sure you will realise how one word makes a huge difference.

Punctuation error has to be solved yourself. I really can't give you many examples in this part. You have you understand whether what you're trying to write need a comma (,) or a semicolon (;) or em dash (—). All these three work similarly but have difference.

Comma (,) is used to separate to independent clauses, in between lists or a main clause and a phrase.

Semicolon (;), however functions the same, is used when you've written a long paragraph with many commas and yet the sentence is related to how it started before. It is usually pronounced with a prolonged pause.

Em dash (—) is used when what you need to insert between the sentences, albeit related to the actual subject; but out of topic.
           Eg: I always knew his this peculiar habit—however not bad—as a reason to his insecurities.

En dash is used is mostly used to show ranges in numbers and dates. It can also be used for clarity in forming complex compound adjectives.
     Eg: It wasn't fair for us. They had an approximate 20–30 members each group. Note, here the dash is not a hyphen but an en dash. However, whether you use en dash or hyphen, the meaning remains the same.

Character Development: 10/10

I just love the characters. I don't even know what exactly to write for them.

Storyline/plot: 18/20

I've had once read a similar plot but that's not why I cut marks. It was a very original idea and a pretty developed story. I could see your progress over the characters and the plot. But your story lacks description. You have to "show" and not "tell". But I believe, it is a matter of time that you get a hold of your powers in the field and I'm looking up to that.

Enjoyment: 18/20

It was only the grammar that deviated my attention at some places. I think your power rests in the dialogues but all emotions felt mostly vague, considering how less the way of their personalities felt due to the lack of language. But I believe you can correct it all.

Impression: 16/20

Excluding the language, the book is a great pick but a writer's power is how they express language so if you just make sure whether what you write is applicable, I'm sure you're do amazing.

Total=82/100

______________________________

Hey there,
Firstly I apologize for the delay.
Second, I hope none of my words made you feel bad. If it did, I apologize again.

Just like I said, you need to say the words loud and think if it sounds okay.
That's how you know you've done it right.

All the best!