Mafia Queen

by StarV07

Cover: 3/5

Okay, so I won't be beating around the bush and point out all the faults.

The cover is not at all attractive and good. This doesn't suit the ideal cover types.

You definitely need to change it to gain attention.

Blurb: 3/5

That not what you call a blurb. You have to define more about the basics.

Chapter 1: 3/10

Can't help but say, THAT'S NOT HOW YOU START A BOOK.

Please don't start it. Just because Pocketbangtan started Blood Ink like that, don't do it.

Don't say "The chapter will talk of Seokjin." Or stuff like that.

We don't need that. Let the readers understand it themselves. And don't change POVs just for 2-4 sentences.

Also, Don't put your imaginary conversations with the characters and yourself in between the book.

Vocabulary/grammar: 4/10

Your vocabulary is too bland and about grammar, you did mistakes like most people.

We don't use the past form of a verb after "did". "Did" alone is in past tense and it's grammatically wrong to write the main verb in past tense.

Eg: Did I tried to calm down? ✘
Did I "try" to calm down?✓

Then comes the use of adjectives. Don't use the same/ synonymous adjectives consecutively to describe the same thing.

Eg: The people were around the big and large building ✘
The people were around the big building which was large ✘
The people were around the huge building ✓

And an ellipsis, or the continuation dots (...) is "3" dots, no less or no more. And don't use it too much. It's highly unprofessional.

Eg: I like him....✘
I guess... I like him. ✓
I like him...✓

Character Development: 3/10

The characters don't have a basic infrastructure, with all of them showing more than two sides, most precisely because of you using conversations with the narrator.

It's fine to do that in a crackfic and not a novella.

And explain the characters' emotions more, focusing on their expressions and the way they speak.

Storyline/plot: 10/20

Very mainstream storyline which won't get you any reads except for requests.

Enjoyment: 10/20

I honestly, did not.

Impression: 9/20

Total= 45/100

Tips:

*Try writing longer chapters with a stable storyline and lesser author's notes.

*Don't just state, rather show the action. Like instead of saying

"He's angry."

Say that "He glared at the guy and crumbled his fingers into a ball of fist, trying to not punch him."

Or when a character is frustrated.

"She pulled her hair and suppressed the scream, her heart wad aching to let out.

When a character is sad, heartbroken:

"The amount of pain that had developed in his heart, was substantially killing him. No matter how hard he tried, her words pierced him like a sword passing through a defeated king. He fell to his knees, clenching his body anf trying to let go off this feeling, he could never pass."

When a character is happy:

"Bubbles of joy erupted in her as she realised how great she was. That smile on her face, was shining like some crystal in the light of sun."

These are some examples of how you should express a character.

*Don't use images to describe things, rather say it in words. For example, the hotel where Jin works:

(Write it from Jin's POV for convenience)

"Being a student and working at the same time was a struggle alone itself, and then having one uninterested stepfather is twice as bad as any sudden emergency war.

Sighing to myself, I took the orders of the people at the restaurant I worked. It was a cheap and small eatery at the corner end of the street, like some substandard pub.

The honking of the cars on the main road would provide little to no peace at all.

I was preparing to leave when a bunch of men in black outfits and masks walked in. The second shift waiter hadn't arrived yet and the manager insisted me to take their orders as my last job of the day..."

*Describe the physical features of the people, the smell of the place and the food.

*Do not use fan arts.

*Do not reveal the names immediately.

*Introduce the least possible number of characters in each scene.

*Don't make it dialogue based, but if it is, Don't write it like:

Seokjin: Your order, sir?
Jungkook: Banana milk
Namjoon:...

Don't do this. It's not good. Make dialogues in quotations.

*Don't use "underline" while writing the story as long as it's not a Tittle or heading.

Lastly I hope to see you bloom.
We have had authors who started from nothing but are now on the top list.

All the best.

I hope you didn't find anything too harsh.
Thanks for choosing me as your reviewer