Please remember that my reviews are just my takes on things, you do not have to take my advice at all if you don't feel it fits the essence of your story. After all, I am only reading a few chapters, other readers might have different takes.

Reverie's Review

This is an extremely well written work. Your structure is solid, your pacing is well timed, your tension is balanced, and your characters are dynamic. Overall it is a strong work.

You do well in setting your scene before picking up the narrative, while this technique does not work for all types of narrative it does so effectively for yours. Your physical descriptions are vivid and controlled, the sensory immersion is done well. I really enjoyed how you have a tendency to describe the scene first before placing your characters within it and having the narrative unfold. Continuing to emulate this in the rest of your work or when you have a new location set will further solidify the quality of your work.

That being said, given your distinctive cast and the shifting camera lens that is in 3rd person, I would recommend having chapter titles/headings that also denote who the narrative is following. This will prevent confusion and allow for readers to continuously read your work without having to remove themselves from the narrative to resituate themselves. Essentially it will make your work easier to binge. I would also recommend that due to the nature of the lens in which you are telling the story, 3rd person limited, try to avoid revealing information that only one character would be privy to. An example of this would be in Chapter 2 when Yoshua and Ibris are talking and Yoshua hides the fact that his niece led the monks to Jaihui, we know this because we read it happen. You don't need to emphasise that Yoshu is hiding information. You can save on word count and redundancy as well in merely stating that "Yoshua was hiding something." The avoidance of repetition will help in keeping your tension wound up. You can trust your reader, you have done a good job at setting up a coherent narrative, trust in your ability and in that of your readers.

Your world building is impressive and you manage to get across a large amount of information in a short amount of time without it being infodumpy. (For lack of a better term). Your blending of a tribal system with a high tech futuristic world should not usually work, but you managed to pull it off in a really interesting manner. This was achieved through your strong world building, your speech patterns that are clearly native to the universe you have crafted, and the traditions you mention here and there lend to the success of what you have crafted. In particular, the mention of the handcarved locket in chapter 7, is an example of a little detail about the world and traditions that really push your work to more immersive levels.

I will note that while your work is incredibly realistic and vividly crafted, there is an emotional disconnect between reader and narrative. What I mean by this is that while your story is interesting and well written, it's lacking that emotional seed that makes a reader chuck a book across a room in frustration when something goes wrong for the main characters. You have some pretty intense nd traumatic events occur within the chapters I've read, and while well described it's paradoxically too rhythmic to spark violent emotion. Don't be afraid to draw out emotion, to highlight the internal pain and anguish experienced. Spend more time depicting the misery and agony your characters experience. I would also recommend that while doing so loosen your structure just a little. Your prose is strong and has a very consistent rhythm. Ironically, that consistency can weaken a work in some occasions. Be a little more chaotic, a little more disjointed, a little less structured. Have your physical sentences, their lengths, the words used, be representative of your character's emotional states. If a character is traumatized and grief stricken then the use of shorter sentences, almost incomplete ones, and a less conventionally structured layout will provide what you need. Anger can be depicted with choppy phrases, shorter words, and punctuation that is staccato in nature. Have the physical also represent the conceptual. I don't recommend that most writers do this as it is tricky but you clearly have the skill to pull it off. Let go of the wheel a little and don't be afraid to just chuck paint at the canvas every now and then. This will not only hook in your readers but will stab them in the feels when needed.

Your dialogue is realistic and snappy, your characters are fun and distinctive, and your use of original scripture is fascinating. I would like to learn more about how religion functions in this world as well as more about the history of the world. A prologue might aid in this regard. Unrelated to the writing you provided I would also love to see maps and have a glossary of terms or something of the like, but this is purely self indulgent and unrelated to the narrative.