we spent hours with each other but i miss you now and i missed you then. there's this great divide between us and i want to reach out my hand to yours and tug you to me but would you do the same? would you close the gap for me? or is it im too stiff—am i too anxious for you, do you think i'll shy away from your touch? when i want nothing more than your skin on mine, your lips against my own, your body in my hands? i feel you fading, ebbing away, slower and slower—then faster and faster. i think i'm losing you when we just started. what happened to the times before? when we would stay up calling—when you would text me good night every single night and now—and now i rarely say goodnight either, because i know, i know i wont get a response. i'm not the last thought on your mind before you sleep anymore. im not the text you first answer. im not the first person in the crowded room you migrate to. im not the first choice—sometimes i feel like im hardly any choice. sometimes i look at you and wonder where your mind is—your thoughts are so loud, so full—is it ever on me anymore?

you know you said you had a gift for me. i gave you my gifts. i thought maybe it would remind you to give me yours. i thought maybe your chain necklace would still have my ring on it. i thought my first visit to your house would end differently. i thought you wanted to kiss me—i thought you liked to. we havent kissed in nearly a month and im wondering if we ever will again. i dont want to wonder and i dont want to mourn the loss of you when i dont even know if im losing you. i want to dance and kiss and love and smile and laugh and be happy happy happy with you but lately all im getting is the mask you put on. who are you and what have you done with my lover? where has that girl—that kind, affectionate, joyful, silly, in-love-with-ME girl gone?

im still here. i will always be here. at your feet. following where your eyes are looking. gently asking for your attention. i feel like ive been dropped into a competition i dont know the rules for. im competing with our friends. you talk to them and i talk to them but do we talk? will we talk? is the conversation for later? should i have dropped you off last? i want to talk but where have the words gone. my emotions are a furious agitated tumor in the back of my throat waiting waiting waiting but it will never explode. i hope to god it doesnt pop. i hope to god it doesnt consume me whole until i am nothing but angry words and i call you to tell you i hate you because i love you. and the part where i say i hate you will be a lie because i will always hate myself more than i could ever hate you.

are you still planning our wedding in your mind.