Nadine's next shift at the station wasn't for another 3 days, in which she'd had two shifts at the hospital and barely any sleep. And on her day off, she sat on her sofa staring into space for most of it and watched tv for the rest.

Her anger had cooled off and melted away, and was civil with Evan.

After 5 calls, the fiery female was cooking dinner for the house, Buck had taken the truck again and Bobby went to say something this time, instead of her. A satisfied smirk slid onto her lips, he would be fired.

Ever since her last shift, Hen and Chim had been contacting her constantly to check up on her, to try and get answers. She was sick of it.

"Adi." Hen greeted as she walked into the kitchen, stealing a potato from the bowl, earning a smack with a spoon on her hand. Walking away laughing, the older woman sat at the counter, facing the young woman.

"Recently, I've been missing the young 22 year old who walked in here on her first day nervously and walked out a proud hero. Since then we've been stuck with a sassy and moody and sarcastic woman who doesn't talk to her friends." Hen spoke, reflecting on the past. Nadine sighed, she knew this was a play to get her to open up, and it was working, Nadine knew that she had to tell her.

"Before I joined here. I'd met you and Chimney. I was your patient once and Chimney's patient twice. The first time was when I was 13, I fell through a glass window on the second floor of our house. I had a concussion, three cracked ribs, dislocated patella, glass fragments in my back and stomach and broken leg and ankle. The second time was when I was 16, you both treated me, I was at an illegal street fight, I had a sprained wrist and broken nose. I saved someone's life that night, I knocked some of his teeth out, they blocked his airway. I pulled them out and opened his airway, when he went into cardiac arrest I administered CPR." She explained, Hen was shocked, she then recognised her.

"That was you!? That kid was responsible. That can't be you." She joked, pulling her friend into her arms for a hug. 

"And what you said before. She grew up, the harsh world affected her and she grew up. I cut my emotions off when I feel threatened, because they make you weak, I hate constantly feeling scared so I cut them off." The young firefighter explained, hands shaking, Hen sighed at that.

The busy female walked back over to the oven, putting the potatoes in foil and in a bowl, marinating the meat and then placing it in the oven and beginning to prep for the salad. Cooking was her safe thing, it calmed her down. Hen was now concerned after the other day's events, Nadine hadn't had another attack since.

"Just talk to someone. Please. If not me, Chimney or Bobby or Buck or Athena. Just anyone, or look for a counsellor. You can't keep your feelings bottled up forever, you need to tell someone how you feel. For an outlet." She just wanted to scream and shout, for everyone to shut up and leave her alone, but they wouldn't.

"How do you expect me to do that Hen? Not when I have the emotional control and range of a fucking teaspoon!" She snapped, the tears threatening to spill over again, she slammed the oven shut and stormed out of the kitchen and down the stairs. Bumping into Buck, not stopping to answer his questions. 

"LANGUAGE!" Bobby yelled after her.

Silence overwhelmed the house, Hen stood dumbfounded, Buck walked upstairs confused, Chimney ran after Nadine and Bobby continued with the cooking. "She's explosive." Buck commented, earning glares from both friends.

The total opposite went on in her brain, it was roaring with noise, screams echoing, shattering glass. Memories played through her brain, sitting on the wall rubbing her temples, her headache manifesting into a migraine.

Chim could see from a distance that she wasn't okay, and after the other day, he was concerned more than normal. Knowing better than to sneak up on her, he walked in front and slowly lowered himself down onto the floor infront. Leaning on his knees and gently holding her hands, she refused to cry again, shaking her head. The dam had broken once and she couldn't let it again.

They couldn't see her at that point again. To the point she passes out after two panic attacks in the space of an hour.

"Hey kiddo." He greeted smiling slightly, no response.

"Nadine Michelle Strand. Talk to me." He begged, still, no response.

So she sat, head in hands, shoulders still, the only movement was the rise and fall of her chest, the only sound, her breaths. 

"Howie..." A broken whisper, came through the cold silence, making the Korean smile slightly. "I, I can't do this anymore. It hurts, I need to tell the truth. I can't suffer alone in complete silence anymore. But please don't push me for more than I'm ready for." Ready to confess, he held her hands and slowly brought them to their feet. Both walking into the firehouse and into the locker room. They sat side by side, but faced towards eachother, on the bench.

"I'm ready. I'm here. I'm listening." He soothed as Hen walked in and sat on the other side of Nadine, rubbing her back slowly.

Memories ran through her brain, wreaking havoc. Exhausted from holding her pain inside, she had to speak out.

Breathe.

She reminded herself. "A-about my past." Beginning, her hands shook. "My father died in a street fight when I was 4. He died of a brain bleed. When I was 9 my mother, well, she died. Suicide. I walked into her room and found her laying there with a note in her pocket. All it said were 'I need him. I love him.' No explanation to us, just those 2 sentences, 6 words. She forgot in her grief that she had 2 children. We went to our uncles. Our father's older brother. Our uncle for some reason always had it in for me. Whenever Rae was out the house, he would hurt me. It was abusive, Rae tried to fight him off when she was there, but for some reason he wouldn't touch her. Only me. I was alone in that battle. It got so bad, that I tripped and dropped a mug down the stairs. My uncle came up behind me, yanked me from my hair to the window and pushed me out of it, I was 13. I started drugs at 14, he was arrested when I was 15. At 15, I was put into care and sexually assaulted by my care worker. At 16 I had been roped into an illegal fighting ring, It made me feel close to my father, because I knew, if something went wrong, I'd be with him. Athena found me and got me help, since then she's been my mother figure." Pausing to take a breath.

They had to process it whilst listening. "I went to nursing school and graduated at 19. I became an ER nurse at 20 and on the 29th of July 2004, I lost my older sister Raegan and her wife Taylor, they were 23 years old. They both suffered multiple GSW's and stab wounds, the gang was arrested. They left me with their daughter Hollie, but I couldn't look after her. That night, I made 3 impossible decisions. Time of death on my sister and her wife, and to give up my niece, my cousin got her. I got addicted to street fighting again and started gambling. Athena had to save me from myself. So I came here. To do the best I could to save other peoples families."

Hen was the first to react, the dam broke again and Nadine sat sobbing, Hen pulled her close and held her tightly. "I've got you." She muttered and other variations, they parroted. "You're safe now." 

"You're so strong." Chim paused, the cogs in his head turning. "Wait.. So, that's why you freaked out the other day and every year on that day." She nodded and he sighed, rubbing her back, eventually her sobs quietend and they got up. Eventually it clicked in their brains, she just admitted to being a drug addict to them.

After another two calls, the youngest firefighter was exhausted, she dragged her feet on the floor and into the bunk rooms. As soon as her head hit the pillow, she was overcome with sleep, unfortunately the nightmares returned. She woke up, alone, tangled in the cover, and fighting oxygen. Coughs overwhelmed her body, gasping for air, she pulled the cover off her body and curled into a ball crying. As she focused, she could hear screaming, Evan's.

"You're Wrong." Was all she heard from the blonde.

He came in, saying something to the others, "I think I'm not fired." Before trailing off as his eyes locked with hers. Traces of fear locked into her features, the tears rolling down her cheeks, she wiped at her cheeks furiously and shook her head, laying back down.

Sighing at the sight before his eyes, he slowly approached the bed, sitting on the edge he opened his arms up. Instantly, the french girl flew into them and broke down, Buck was shocked but at least she didn't hate him anymore. "Are you okay?" The blonde asked, earning a snort from the parisian. 

"You know, I didn't think you could get more stupid? I'm crying and you ask, 'you okay?' yeah I'm fine. Just fucking great." After that, they both started laughing.

"Why do you hate me?" He asked, the 25 year old simply shook her head, before leaning on his shoulder. 

Her hands rubbed together. "I don't. You just remind me of someone I used to know. Your passion and stupidity, the attitude and act first think later. It's just difficult, but I'm working through it. I'm sorry." The words came out of her mouth before she could stop them. Buck was shocked, he never thought he'd hear her apologise, let alone to him.

"That never happened." She spoke, laughing as Buck nodded hugging her close.

Slowly she had to learn to let everyone back in. Yawning, her eyes kept fluttering open and shut. "'m tired." Mumbling slightly, her head drooped and Buck gently laid her down in the bed and tucked her in, before going to his bunk and on his phone.

"Night sis." He muttered as the room was filled with the sound of the soft puffs of air, coming from the sleeping parisian.

(Nightmare set 4 years ago)

The doors to the ER opened as two gurney's were wheeled in, Nadine and Ella headed up to Riley, their paramedic friend. "What have we got?" Ella asked, Nadine was still, she knew that tattoo on the wrist of the patient, the two doves.

"Female around 23, Jane Doe, multiple GSW's and stab wounds, Blood Pressure 43/23, Heart Rate 57." Riley rattled on as they lead the patient to trauma bay 3, then they heard screams coming from the other gurney.

The other female had woken up and was screaming out names. "Hollie? Where's Hollie? Where's my daughter!?" Nadine shook her head at that, no, it couldn't be, she thought, It's just a coincidence, Hollie's a popular name. "Rae? Where's my wife? Raegan?" That's it, she broke. Rushing to the gurney, she bent over Taylor.

"Female around 23, Jane Doe, multiple GSW's and stab wounds. Blood pressure 90/60, Heart Rate 60." The other paramedic, James, told her.

"It's not a Jane Doe. She's my sister-in-law. Taylor Strand-Woods. And the other GSW is my sister Raegan." She was rattled, instantly the staff began to work as the parisian rushed to Trauma Bay 3. "We have an identity." Everyone in the room stopped working and looked at her. "It's Raegan Strand-Woods." Riley and Ella's heads snapped up at their best friend as tears formed. "My older sister."

Everyone got to work, but despite their best efforts Raegan started to Code and enter Cardiac Arrest. A sob tore through her younger sister, as she climbed onto the gurney and started Chest compressions as they waited for the Crash Cart. "No. You do not get to leave me alone again! And Hollie needs her mothers. We need you! So come back to me please!" Her screams broke everyones heart.

"Pushing 1mg of Epinephrine." Ella stated, injecting the adrenalin as they started Resus protocals. "Charging... Clear..." She called as they put the defibrilators on her chest, no response. 

But she kept going. "Nadia, she's gone. You're just frying her heart." Riley stated sadly, as her best friend stopped and sobbed, she laid down on the bed, next to her big sister.

"I love you." She whispered, kissing her forehead before getting up, "Time of death 21:38," and walking to Trauma Bay 2. Where the same thing was happening, the gunshot had punctured Taylor's lung and perforated her abdomen, she was bleeding internally and it was bad. Chest compressions and defibrillators.

"Move out my way!" The twenty year old screamed as she began to take over compressions, Ella and Riley followed their friend, helping with the efforts. The words echoed in her brain, they're gone. "Come on Tay, I couldn't save Rae, let me save you, don't leave Hollie an orphan. You're all me and her have left. Don't you dare!" She begged, stopping compressions as Riley pulled her off. "Time of death 21:57."

The three friends rushed out the room as she broke down, sobbing her heart out, she lost her sisters, the only people who could protect her. "She left me before, she went to College and left me at 13 with an abusive uncle who almost killed me. But she came back and saved me. But now she can't come back, I'm all alone." The sobs broke their heart as they watched their friend break, Riley picked her friend up with ease and took her to the staff room. 

"Show's over! Back to work!" Riley yelled, they sat on the sofa, with her head in Riley's lap. 

Her brain was fried and exhausted, it couldn't comprehend the loss she was experiencing, so it shut down, she felt numb. Suddenly, she shot up and ran to the bin, throwing up from the shock of it all, Ella went to get water and Riley rubbed her back. "Hollie." She gasped. "She's an orphan, just like I was, but she's 5 and I was 9. I, I can't, I can't look after her. I always told them, if they died, but we always thought I'd go first, that I couldn't take her. But they're gone. The only person who can take her is, Iona." She spat the last sentence out with venom, her cousin who let her almost die, she didn't hate her but she resented her.

________________________________________________________________________________

Later that night, Riley and Ella had taken their friend home, they collected Hollie from the babysitter as they knew she couldn't. She sat in bed as Hollie ran in, instantly she began crying as she explained to the 5 year old, her niece, that mommy and mommy aren't coming home.

"Sweetheart, I need you to listen to me okay." Nadine had asked as Riley and Ella sat on the bed with them, Hollie nodded. "Mommy and Mommy, got in an accident, they were hurt. Me, Riley and Ella tried to help them. But they couldn't get better. Baby, they fell asleep and we couldn't wake them up." Nadine broke down as the realisation kicked in, they're gone and they're not coming back.

________________________________________________________________________________

It took weeks for Strand to get out of bed, Riley and Ella ended up staying to look after her and help with Hollie. "Tia Adi?" Hollie asked as she climbed on the bed and into her aunt's open arms.

"Yeah baby?" She answered, all emotion drained from her voice, she'd gone numb. 

"I'm all packed." Poor girl didn't understand the situation fully, she knew her mom's were gone and she knew that her aunt was sad, she knew she was going to live with her mom's cousin for a while. What she didn't know was, she wouldn't see her aunt for a few years.

"Good girl sweetie, let me get up, showered and dressed and then I'll take you over there, okay baby girl?" Nadine had to try to be strong for her little niece, faking her cool, inside she was screaming, she had to get out of there. 

Within an hour, the broken twenty year old had gotten showered and dressed, in a tracksuit and tied her hair into a messy bun. Shoving her trainers on, she grabbed Hollies stuff and slung it on her shoulder, picking her niece up and headed out the door. Ella had gone to the hospital and Riley was waiting by the car.

The Strand family of two sat in the back holding each other tight as Riley drove them, she couldn't do it, drive back to that house, where he, almost killed her. Hollie began to drift in and out of sleep, leaning on her aunts shoulder, they were snuggled up together in the back when they pulled up.

Clambering out of the car, Nadine picked up her niece and her stuff and carried her to the door as Riley walked next to them. They knocked at the door and stood waiting, her nerves were racing, she expected him to open the door, but he didn't, her cousin Iona did. "Nadine, hey. I'm sorry about Raegan and her wife." She greeted awkwardly, she nodded in greeting, shifting the weight of her niece onto her side. 

They entered the house and headed upstairs, her old room was left untouched, Hollie would have Rae's old room. Freezing on the spot, she stood at the window, staring out, the place she almost died, the first time she met Chimney. Walking into Hollie's room, they laid her on the bed and put her stuff away, within ten minutes they were done and she was awake.

"I need to go now, you won't see me for a while, I love you baby okay. If you need me get Titi Iona to text or call me. Bye my sweet baby niece." Nadine whispered, kissing her forehead as she walked out, down the stairs and out the door with Riley right behind her. "I can't. It's like I was back there! Where he could just control me." She sobbed as Riley swooped her into her arms.

________________________________________________________________________________

In Nadine's sleeping state, she was aware of someone's screaming, but she didn't know that it was her own. "RAEGAN!" She screamed, suddenly snapping up from her back, the tears fell as the door flew open and Hen and Chim came in with Buck behind them. 

Hen and Chim shook their heads, instantly knowing what this was, a nightmare, a cruel trick of the brain. "They were here. They were alive. She came back to me, they both did, then I blinked and they were gone. Where did they go? I'm all alone." She whispered the tears silently falling, they were dead, gone, never coming back. Hearing her break down like this broke all of their hearts, especially Bobby's, she was like his daughter and to hear her pain, it destroyed them all.

"Your mind was playing tricks on you. They didn't come back, it was a dream. A cruel sick joke of a dream. A nightmare. But you're not alone. You have me and Buck and Hen and Chimney and Athena." Bobby told her, walking forwards and holding his daughter close to his chest, then they got a call. "Are you ready for this??" He asked and she shook her head, she couldn't do it, they nodded and let her go back to sleep.

________________________________________________________________________________

When the team got back, Buck headed straight to the bunk room, he was distraught, his first loss on the job. Strand was still asleep, she'd been in and out of nightmares, tear stains still visible on her cheeks, Buck sat on his bunk and just stared at the wall.

A few minutes later, Chimney entered the room, seeing her asleep he smiled softly and went and sat with Buck. "I was right there. All he had to do was grab onto my hand. I could have saved him. Why didn't he let me?" Buck asked him quietly, it had really shook him.

"Well, when people are scared they do weird things. Their brain doesn't respond to the situation calmly, the fear takes over." Chimney explained, resting his hand on the blonde's shoulder. "People die and it's part of our job, right? The problem is you're looking at every patient as a long term relationship, but the best way is they are just one night stands." Chimney attempted to help him slightly, instead just making him laugh slightly.

Their friend had woken up and was listening, she sat up and spooked both men, "That's a terrible way to put it Chim." She smiled, wiping the sleep from her eyes.

Buck continued as Nadia made her way to his bed, she couldn't get warm, so she brought the blanket with her and wrapped it around her shoulders. "I see him everytime I shut my eyes, I hear his voice. Does that happen to you guys??" He asked, the parisian froze and went silent, Chimney watched her slowly until she nodded to say she was okay.

Chimney knew that his friend Nadine Michelle Strand had seen more loss and sorrow in her 24 years of living than most people would in their lifetimes. After a while, Buck went to get some food and Chim took that as a chance to talk to Nadine. "Are you okay, you know, with the discussions that are going on?" He asked her and she nodded.

"Howie, I'm fine, Ella isn't letting me have more than 3 shifts a week and is constantly checking up on me. I have 2 shifts a week here. I'm fine. I mean my sleep schedule's messed up but it always is." Strand explained reassuring him slightly that she was fine.

He listened and nodded his head along, "The second, and I mean the exact second, that you are not fine, you call me or Hen or Athena okay? And Bobby, let us in and help you." He begged her to which she agreed, they headed out together and to the kitchen.

"I miss them." She whispered the tears threatening to resurface, he sighed and pulled her into a tight embrace. He knew what it was like, he missed his mother so much, but she had lost her father and mother at a young age, and the people who cared for her through it all she had to declare dead, both of them. 

"I know you do, I'm so sorry. About what you told us the other day... How long since you've used anything?" The Korean asked, curious, he had to protect his little sister.

"3 years, I don't drink, just incase I get drunk and take some. I can't afford another relapse." She answered, it felt good to offload her pain. 

He nodded his head, "If you ever feel tempted to use, you call me or Hen okay? Or somebody, just anyone." Nadia simply nodded and softly smiled to herself, she had to stay better.

Interrupting the moment, her phone rang, checking the caller I.D, she grimaced. "Who is it?" Howie asked her, noticing her reaction and obviously identifying her feelings about the person.

"My cousin.. Iona." Nadia breathed, her hand shaking as she answered the call.

"Hello? Yes, hi. I can't." Taking deep breaths in an attempt to calm and ground herself, she paused and listened to the persons voice on the other line.

"No. Iona, I told you. I can't. I won't. I'm too fucked up to care for myself, let alone a 9 year old. I never had a normal child hood, the worst of it was when I was 9, when I found her od'd on her bed. How do you expect me to act mother to the daughter of my DEAD SISTER!? You're so selfish. It was okay when he hit me, because it wasn't you, it was his niece and not his daughter! And now you're acting like everything's okay and normal. I can't see her. Don't call me again unless its an emergency." Natalia had ranted down the phone, before hanging up and screaming in frustration, throwing her phone on the floor.

Buck walked back in and was confused at her state. "Don't. Just don't. Buckley." She hissed, before getting up and heading to the locker room to brush her hair and then head up to prepare dinner. 

He had held his hands up in the air in defense. "I wasn't going to." He had sighed as she left, Chimney nodded and shook his head, picking up her phone and following her.

A few hours later, with a few more calls, she had managed to calm down enough to focus her anger on her punches. She aimed one, then threw one.

At the punching bag. Imagining it to be everyone who had pissed her off's faces, Iona, The social worker, The person who killed her dad, the people who killed her sister's. 

She threw punches for hours, until a hand gripped her shoulder tightly, scaring her out of her state. Her eyes flicked up at the figure in fear, he knew he made a mistake and slowly backed off with hands raised, showing he meant no harm. "Adi." He spoke calmly, but firmly, he had to talk her down.

"Nadia." He tried again, slowly moving towards her, so she could see. "Nadine, It's Bobby, you need to stop." But she didn't, she was exhausted and dehydrated, "Please just drink some water at least." He pleaded. Her exhaustion got the better of her and her legs gave way, and she landed on the floor as Bobby lowered her down gently and sat with her, holding her close. Chim and Hen headed over.

Natalia sat staring into space, zoning in and out of focus, flitting between conscious and unconscious. She'd worked herself too hard. Chimney put in an IV, running fluids and saline wide open to rehydrate her and Hen tried to get her to stay awake. Bobby rang Ella to say that the nurse needed a few shifts off. Both workplaces had cancelled her shifts for the next week. "Nadine , you need counselling, you can't come back until you get through this." Bobby slowly told her as she began to hear and see again as she came round more.

Regaining some of her spark and energy, the parisian rolled her eyes and huffed, feeling a bit better and stronger. "I'm fine! I'm going home." It had been half an hour from her episode and they didn't want her driving so they took her keys. Buck drove her home, holding onto her keys for her, the ride in silence, ending with him promising to return her keys tomorrow.

"If you ever need to talk. And I mean it. I'm a call away." His words stuck in her mind as she went into her apartment and locked the door before laying on her bed and sobbing before falling into the dark abyss of sleep.