Cheryl leaned towards the mirror and played with her hair. "With?"

"Him!" Hannah pointed towards the door. "Can't you, like, do your thing and distract him from me?"

Cheryl opened her purse and pulled out her lipstick. "As much as I'd love to help you escape mr. sexy eyes, I can't. Flynn would kill me."

"Since when have you and him been a thing?" Hannah had her suspicions, especially after the party, but Flynn wasn't her usual type of guy. Cheryl liked her over-the-top eye candy and Flynn, as sweet as he was, didn't quite fit that bill. Although, if they were together, she did have to admit that they made a cute couple. And she knew that Flynn would treat her friend right because that's who he was. But that meant she'd have to deal with her own situation, and she wasn't sure how.

"Since the party, so what's the problem with Xavier? He's hot, sexy, cute, and available."

That was the problem. She didn't want to be attracted to Xavier, didn't want to be attracted to anyone. All she had wanted to do was come up here and escape the inevitable trouble that goes with dating. It may work out for other people, but not for her. She always got herself into some type of trouble because she had always believed the best in people, and finding out after that she'd been too innocent and gullible. How she gave her virginity to the professor so easily, she'd never know.

Maybe it was her need to be validated by an older man that led her down that road and when he showed an interest in her, she fell hook, line, and sinker. And now it was something she'd regret for the rest of her life.

"I just can't."

"Yes, you can. You just don't want to. And look, girl, I get it. But we're only going to be here a few months and then our lives will get back to how they were before. Why not let yourself have some fun. What have you got to lose?"

My dignity, she thought silently. "Is that the same with you and Flynn?"

"He knows we're just having a station fling, but I promised I'd just be with him while we're here."

Hannah had a hard time believing Flynn would go along with that. "Just please don't let it hamper your working relationship. That could cause a problem for us." She didn't really mind them dating, but usually dating relationships while working together didn't go overly well if things went south.

"You worry too much, girl!" Cheryl said, as she tossed her lipstick back into her purse and turned to face Hannah. "I say give Xavier a chance. What's the worst that can happen?"

Her mind had already spun the worst. How Xavier could get her kicked out of the station if she didn't please him exactly how he wanted, and she'd miss being able to work on the project. It was just getting interesting and she didn't want to do anything that jeopardized her career. A fling out here would be career suicide. She had barely made it out of her university alive.

"I don't even want to think about it," she said, as she turned to step into one of the stalls. Since Cheryl was involved with Flynn, she couldn't count on her to distract Xavier, so she'd just have to be strong and stand her ground. But, in a way, part of her was crying out to be touched, to be held, but she couldn't let that take precedence in her life. She wasn't going to let anything derail her career again or her life.

"It would help loosen you up. You're strung so tight right now that if you could defy gravity you'd spring up into the atmosphere."

Wouldn't that be nice? Maybe she could find a new planet that didn't have cheaters on it. It's too bad that we were bound by the natural laws of the planet...of the universe. You're born. You live. You die. Sometimes you die before you even have a chance to live. Tears pricked her eyes. No. She wasn't going to get involved with anyone ever again. Wasn't going to live through that pain a second time.

"Hannah?" Cheryl asked, knocking on the door. "You okay?"

She let out a quiet shaky breath, trying to gather herself before she spoke. "I don't suppose there is a back entrance out of here?"

"Afraid not."

"Darn it!" she muttered. "It's okay, Cheryl. Why don't you head back to the table? I'll be out shortly."

"Okay," her friend said hesitantly. A moment later, Hannah heard the door shut, and she was finally alone.

What the heck was it about this place that made her a crying, teary mess? She hasn't had this much trouble keeping herself together since it all went down three years ago. Mostly she worked her butt off and didn't allow herself to think about it, and usually she did okay. The memories were often locked away deep in her heart, never seeing the light of day. But today they were there, at the forefront of her mind.

Hannah wrapped her arms around her stomach as a cry burst out of her mouth. There was no holding back the pain this time, it tore itself out of her chest in loud wretched sobs. She couldn't keep it in anymore and she slid down to the floor in the stall, her knees pulled up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, burying her face in her knees.

Would things be different for her had she made another choice? If she had kept her baby, maybe she wouldn't have lost her ability to have them. But she did it for him. Did it so his family would survive. She knew this was her penance. Forever scarred and forever barren. Not even really a woman anymore.

Hannah's shoulders shook as she let out all her pent up hurt, anger, and frustration over life, tears streaming down her face. Her dad's disappointed face appeared before her in her mind. "You'll always be a disgrace," he had said.

"Mommy," Hannah whispered, her voice torn and broken. "I wish you were still here. I need you." The day she died was the day her world fell apart. No longer did she have her confidant, her life-long friend. They had done everything together. Her mother held her when she lost Joey, her puppy; held her when she broke up with her first boyfriend. Celebrated her birthdays, and school awards.

Her chest ached, her eyes burned as pain sliced like a razor through her heart. It was too much. The loss was too much. Lost in her pain, she didn't hear the door open as someone came and sat down on the ground beside the door. But she saw a hand slip under the stall door.

"I'm here," Xavier's voice said. And that's all he said. He didn't push. He didn't pry. He just let her hold his hand, gripping it like a lifeline, as all her pain poured out in that small room. She wanted to be with her mother and baby girl again. She didn't want to live in a world without them. Maybe if her mother had been around, she wouldn't have made the foolish choices that she did. Life was empty without her, and the rest of her life would be empty too.

That made her cry harder. She'd never know what it would be like to hold her own child, to feel life move in her womb again, to feel whole, to feel good again. Half of her died when her mother died, and the other half died when she listened to a man that had begged her to save his family. And by trying to save his, which fell apart anyway, she lost hers.

Hannah banged her head against the metal stall, fighting with herself to regain control again. This is why she didn't let herself do this, kept it buried, because she couldn't deal with the pain and live a somewhat normal life.

"Did you want to get out of here?" Xavier asked her softly.

"Please."

"I can take you out the back way."

"Okay." Hannah let go of his hand and stood up, reaching for the toilet paper to blow her nose and wipe her face. Her legs shook, making her feel like she was made of jello. She was going to need his help if she was going to walk out of here. 

Stepping out of the stall, she kept her eyes to the floor. He put his arm around her and opened the bathroom door. Letting him guide her, she fought with the mental fog in her head. Nothing currently felt real. It was like a dream she could never wake up from. Maybe she didn't deserve to.

Xavier guided her through the halls, his heart breaking for her. Her face spoke of a pain so deep that he couldn't even begin to imagine it. He couldn't even find any words to use that could begin to ease it, so he did what he could and just offered his support. She'd tell him when she was ready.

When Cheryl came out of the bathroom and said that Hannah needed a few minutes because she was struggling, something urged him to go inside, so he told them that he was going to take Hannah back to his place and asked if Flynn could stay with Cheryl since the two had a thing going.

"Just be gentle with her and don't try anything right now," Cheryl ordered.

"I promise." And he meant it. He just wanted to be there for her. She deserved that much. Leading her through the halls, he opened the door to his room and they stepped inside. She didn't say anything as the door closed behind them; instead, she turned to him and kissed him, full on, shoving him backwards to the bed.

He fell onto the mattress and she straddled him, attempting to pull off her shirt. Xavier grabbed her and laid her down beside him, her back to his front, and just wrapped his arms around her. Her actions were born out of grief, he knew that and refused to take advantage of her. She fought against him, trying to turn around.

"I want sex," she cried. "I need to forget."

"Shh," he said softly. "Just let it out."

"I can't."

"You need to, and I'm here for you," he said, kissing the top of her head. And he meant it. This moment wasn't about sex for him, as much fun as that would be, it was about being what she needed. She deserved that from him and he wanted to respect her in every way from this point forward.

"What if I lose myself?" she whispered.

"You won't. I'll be here to bring you back," he promised, hugging her tight. She wouldn't lose herself, not with him around. He would be that solid foundation for her, that rock a friend needed in their time of need. This would be the first time he'd have a woman in his bed that he didn't make love to and the first woman in over a year to grace his covers, but it was time to think with his heart, not his dick.

She needed someone to make the right choices for her when hers are compromised as she worked her way through the pain inside her. He may not be the best guy in the world, but he was honorable if nothing else.

When her body began to shake and her soft cries filled the room, he held her in his arms, being that quiet strength she needed. Her fingers wrapped around his forearm tightly, and she held on for dear life.

"That's it," he whispered. "Let it all out."

Hannah soon turned in his arms and buried her face in his chest, gripping his shirt this time, and he let her. Sex was the farthest thing from her mind now as she fought in her own world, her nightmare. The professor's face and her father's face swam around in her vision. The doctor who told her she'd never have kids again, the disapproving look even on that man's face tore her up inside. He was supposed to be impartial, but he wasn't.

"I'm horrible," she cried, as she tried to push away from Xavier suddenly. "I'm a horrible person."

He refused to let her go. "I don't know what happened in your past, hun, but you are not a horrible person. I promise you that."

"You don't know me," she cried, continuing to try and get away from him.

He just held her in place, trapping her arms. "I know you're hurting and it's hard to hurt, but I'm here for you, regardless of what past life you held. Because you're worthy of that much."

"No, I'm not," she murmured quietly.

"You are to me," he said, giving her a squeeze.

"Why?"

"Because you matter."

That made her tears flow again. No one had ever said that to her, except her mother. "Thank—" Hannah hiccupped, "You." A few more tears escaped, she slowly found herself drifting off to sleep, utterly drained.

-----

Hi guys,

Thanks so much for continuing to read this story. I hope you've enjoyed it so far. I hope that it has been a smooth read and not too many errors. After nanowrimo is over, then I'll return to edit it. In the meantime, I'll put it up as I'm writing it and you can see the creative juices flow as I go. ;) Feel free to point out any errors you see. Your help and support means the world to me.

Love ya!